waking up in the morning and Valentine's day (Updated)

[ggas]

It's been 3 weeks since my ex broke up with me to be with her EX (after we lived together one year and everything was going well). It is now obvious she was not over her ex throughout the relationship but hid this well from me. We haven't communicated ever since the BU and I had to move out. Now I find myself waking up at 5AM every morning usualy after a nightmare that starts off as a nice dream but ends up with the 2 of them in the picture.

 

I am trying really hard to cope with this but honestly this is the hardest thing I ever experienced. I am trying to work on myself. I found another nice play to stay. I made a bunch of friends. Went on several dates. Hooked up a bunch though not a lot since I realized everytime I have sex now I am depressed afterwards. I shopped a bit. Still the image of the two of them hunts me. I mean we had a good and healthy relationship. Sure she had problems making friends in the city where we live (we are both expats), sure she had some problems at work, but we were happy together. She saw her ex over Xmass and everything changed COMPLETELY. Now they will go on holiday together for Valentines and I feel so empty, guilty, sad, alone and depressed it's scaring me.

 

I'm trying to tough it out and go on LS as often as possible just to keep NC. I think I should delete her from FB and my phone since it's becoming very painful to see her in the chat box all the time. I'm really trying hard to avoid this morning feeling and the thoughts of the two of them on Valentines. But it's so hard. So so hard. It's not normal for someone to suffer as much as I am. I have a problem. I just wish I would understand what that problem is and why all this happened. Please help. Any advice. anything

[Amy77]

Just posted a very similar thread myself, yep Saturday is gonna be tough I am dreading it as I myself was also left for someone else and the thought of them together makes me ill. All we can do is ride it out, who knows what's in store for next Valentines, we could have the love of our lives and wonder why we spent so long upset over those who didn't deserve us. Hope your ok Pm me if you wanna chat I know how you are feeling

[Mi7522]

It's been 3 weeks since my ex broke up with me to be with her EX (after we lived together one year and everything was going well). It is now obvious she was not over her ex throughout the relationship but hid this well from me. We haven't communicated ever since the BU and I had to move out. Now I find myself waking up at 5AM every morning usualy after a nightmare that starts off as a nice dream but ends up with the 2 of them in the picture.

 

I am trying really hard to cope with this but honestly this is the hardest thing I ever experienced. I am trying to work on myself. I found another nice play to stay. I made a bunch of friends. Went on several dates. Hooked up a bunch though not a lot since I realized everytime I have sex now I am depressed afterwards. I shopped a bit. Still the image of the two of them hunts me. I mean we had a good and healthy relationship. Sure she had problems making friends in the city where we live (we are both expats), sure she had some problems at work, but we were happy together. She saw her ex over Xmass and everything changed COMPLETELY. Now they will go on holiday together for Valentines and I feel so empty, guilty, sad, alone and depressed it's scaring me.

 

I'm trying to tough it out and go on LS as often as possible just to keep NC. I think I should delete her from FB and my phone since it's becoming very painful to see her in the chat box all the time. I'm really trying hard to avoid this morning feeling and the thoughts of the two of them on Valentines. But it's so hard. So so hard. It's not normal for someone to suffer as much as I am. I have a problem. I just wish I would understand what that problem is and why all this happened. Please help. Any advice. anything

 

It hasn't been that long since your BU in the scheme of things so your feelings will still be strong. The first thing I did was unfriend her from FB not because I was being a jerk but because I didn't want to see anything she might be doing that would delay my healing. I also deleted her number from my phone. It kind of felt liberating after doing it because I knew once I did it she was no longer apart of my life. I still miss her and her kids even after 5 months since the BU but the intensity of the feelings have been diluted quite a bit. It just takes time so stay strong

[Ralph79]

Was was the point of this:

I am trying to work on myself. I found another nice play to stay. I made a bunch of friends. Went on several dates. Hooked up a bunch

 

 

If you never did this:

I think I should delete her from FB and my phone since it's becoming very painful to see her in the chat box all the time.

??

 

Start changing your focus. Get rid of EVERYTHING that can even remotely remind you of her. Every CD, every letter, every picture. Give your conscience some breathing room.

 

You will start to get better when you get sick of feeling sick. Falling into despair and depression is super easy. Being happy again takes time and a lot of effort. Keep working on it.

[xpaperxcutx]

Valentine's Day is a fake holiday!

 

My ex left me for another girl and I am angry, sad and a whole lot of other feelings. You cannot dwell. Why are you thinking of her when she isn't even thinking about you?

 

My friends slapped me awake telling me to move on. So i'm slapping you awake too! You can do better. You deserve better!

[towardthefuture]

As for her ex -- did she get dumped or dump him?

[Kinetica84]

It's been 3 weeks since my ex broke up with me to be with her EX (after we lived together one year and everything was going well). It is now obvious she was not over her ex throughout the relationship but hid this well from me. We haven't communicated ever since the BU and I had to move out. Now I find myself waking up at 5AM every morning usualy after a nightmare that starts off as a nice dream but ends up with the 2 of them in the picture.

 

I am trying really hard to cope with this but honestly this is the hardest thing I ever experienced. I am trying to work on myself. I found another nice play to stay. I made a bunch of friends. Went on several dates. Hooked up a bunch though not a lot since I realized everytime I have sex now I am depressed afterwards. I shopped a bit. Still the image of the two of them hunts me. I mean we had a good and healthy relationship. Sure she had problems making friends in the city where we live (we are both expats), sure she had some problems at work, but we were happy together. She saw her ex over Xmass and everything changed COMPLETELY. Now they will go on holiday together for Valentines and I feel so empty, guilty, sad, alone and depressed it's scaring me.

 

I'm trying to tough it out and go on LS as often as possible just to keep NC. I think I should delete her from FB and my phone since it's becoming very painful to see her in the chat box all the time. I'm really trying hard to avoid this morning feeling and the thoughts of the two of them on Valentines. But it's so hard. So so hard. It's not normal for someone to suffer as much as I am. I have a problem. I just wish I would understand what that problem is and why all this happened. Please help. Any advice. anything

 

Watch this my friend. It helped me a lot.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KopmSpe33Eg

[ggas]

I don't know. They were fighting a lot since he was very jealous and critical and controling and also she refused to move to the city he was living in. That's all I know.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, know this: any person that abruptly leaves a year-long live-in relationship to be with an ex is NOT relationship material. Healthy, self-aware, stable people just don't do that sort of sh;t. When your focus on getting yourself together, holding yourself, stabilizing your life begins to falter, prop that hard, fired ceramic reality up in the cold light of day. Let it comfort you.

 

You deserve more.

[Elle1975]

First off, Valentines day is not a fake holiday. Its roots are pretty old, it's just be exploited to a point where it is about money, when it shouldn't.

 

About your problem, don't forget that this special day should also be celebrated with your family and friends. Personally I'd make a point by spending the day with my mom if I could, or with my gfs.

 

I wouldn't omit the celebration just because you ex left you. I'm sure you have people around you care for you, spend the day with them.

[ggas]

So after my ex decided to replace me with her ex in a heartbeat I find myself using all my energy into moving on. Now they're on holiday together and I spent most of the day in bed and trying to finish basic things like packing some stuff (I'm moving into a new place. Been sleeping at friends' after BU). Today was the worst by far. The feeling of being used and replaced got to me badly. I'm ashame to admit that I cried all day. Imagine a 27 year old adult crying. I kept looking at my chat box as if waiting for her to apologize for flipping 180 so fast after one year living together...

 

Alas no message nothing. I've been doin NC ever since the BU and it made me see things in such a different light. It made me realize that this whole year was a complete lie. It was her way of coping with losing her ex. She never did love me. She tried but it's hard to love someone when you hold on to the past. That I know for sure. Still, midway when I found out she met her ex but they didn't work anything out I could've left with my chin up and no suffering. But I thought it will devastate her (she was crying and begging). I will have to live with this mistake forever.

 

Anyway, I thought I would drop a few lines here. Helps me release some negative emotions. Weird enough, the thought of breaking no contact has slipped my mind but it was never too tempting.

 

I'm now in the process of purging everything from her. I still have some valuables at her place but I just don't want them anymore. All this relationship which I thought was a happy one, turned black like a nightmare very very fast. I wish to erase it completely from my existence. It's draining me.

 

I'm going out for a dinner and a party tonight. Will talk with my mom soon to cheer me up and will see a friend for tea to take my mind of things.

 

One year... Mattered next to 0!

[SycamoreCircle]

I know it hurts, man.

 

It surpasses understanding.

 

With time and NC, this thing will take on greater clarity. The exaggerations like "this was a wasted year" and "I mean nothing to her" will lose their proportions. You'll see something more nuanced, more dimensional. And you will learn from it.

 

For now, focus on practicalities. Keep people you care about close. Get the venom out. It's going to take a while. It runs deep. I'm a 38-year-old man and I cried my guts out over a 25-year-old girl. It's part of the process.

 

Taking long walks really helped me at first. I couldn't read or focus on anything. I couldn't even listen to music.

 

You'll get through this, I promise.

[dyna85]

I know it's sad. Today I'm feeling crappy too. Something about it being V day and then having awakened early, bothered by thoughts of him, and watching a few brief clips from the Notebook on youtube (don't ask). I'm just in a very low mood and don't want to get out of bed, or do anything today. Feeling so stuck in my head and like it's going to be a bad day like every other holiday since just before the new yr (Thanksgiving, Christmas, & New Years). What's another holiday ruined, ya know? No big deal. I just think maybe next yr, God willing, I'll be so far removed from this crap that the holidays won't be so bad.

 

Just gotta keep it moving, b/c life waits for no one....

 

We deserve love just as much as the next person, so much love to you this holiday <3333.

 

It's good that you're going to be spending time with those who care about you. You'll be okay!!! Don't worry. Embrace the love that is pure and good and try not to dwell on that person who doesn't care.

[Ralph79]

I will have to live with this mistake forever.

 

You are 27. You are in the prime of your life and had no kids with her. Yes you were gullible but this was a lesson that cost you merely 1 year of your life. It was a damn cheap price to pay for the wisdom you have gained. Never again will you let another woman bring you to this point.

 

You've also acquired the ability to pick up new red flags when finding someone new. Make sure it came at a price you only have to pay once in your lifetime.

[Feelbettersoon]

Just posted a very similar thread myself, yep Saturday is gonna be tough I am dreading it as I myself was also left for someone else and the thought of them together makes me ill. All we can do is ride it out, who knows what's in store for next Valentines, we could have the love of our lives and wonder why we spent so long upset over those who didn't deserve us. Hope your ok Pm me if you wanna chat I know how you are feeling

 

My ex left me for someone else too, but failed to tell me that, I found out two months after the BU. Really sad today, and saw them together yesterday. It's been over half a year so I'm not sure if the sadness today is because I'm single or that I miss him.

 

Sucks how much can change in a year

[ggas]

Dated/lived with my ex for one year and then after these holidays she (to my shock) decided to go back to her ex with whom she was on and off for about a year. Anyway, when we broke up she told me she needs a leader and that she is afraid that if she would have kids with me our kids would be weak people. That sometimes I confuse more than she already is. An example she gave me was in chosing her car. I told her that it's important for her to like it not me. I made my suggestion but was open to all of her suggestions. Aparently her ex/current was more possesive and controlling and would boss her around with things like this. Anyway...

 

Relationship got really bad in more or less a week (immediately after she saw her ex who told her he still loves her but that's too painful to see her with me). During this week there was constant abuse. She would put me down from every little disagreement. It gotten to the point where she accused me of trying to get her pregnant on purpose (eventhough we had unprotected sex throughout the relationship). She even hit me while I was driving (because I missed a left turn). She was also very very cold to me.

 

The breakup was caused basically to the fact that I found out she was talking with her ex, not trivial conversation, but deep romantic conversation.

 

After the breakup I went full NC (packed up my things and left). Now I find myself depressed. Forcing myself to eat right. Not sleeping well. I wonder what if she is right? What if I'm not a leader and give in too fast. I looked back at some of my older posts and found one when I first detected a huge red flag about her but then gave in to her after she convinced me there is no red flag. I now realize that with most women I start out as tough only to slowly leave my guard down once I think they love me as they claim. I don't know. My sense of worth decreased. I am aware of my qualities but somehow it is difficult to use them as a way out of this.

 

I don't know. I thought I knew my self. Now I have doubts about me. She ditched me and replaced me so so so fast the only explanation I can give my brain is that she was never really over him and that there is probably something wrong with me I mean there has to be a reason why I'm suffering so much right now. I had one chance of getting out unschated after the first red flag. Decided not to. I guess it serves me right to be depressed. Really now who am I? I don't know anymore.

 

I don't know even how to handle the fact that she lives in the same city and she will come with her ex/current bf here. I wish she would just go to him. I now realize how blind I was in this relationship. SO SO SO SO SO SO SO BLIND. I think it got to a point that I was almost seeing a different human. Right now I think we are total strangers. I want to eradicate the very memory of her. I do not despise/hate her. I really don't. I rather love the ilusion that was. I find that I am curently very cynical. I'm trying really hard to snap out of it. Staying with friends. Bought a few stuff. Found a nice apartment. Trying to workout. It's just so hard to shake the feeling of being replaced so so so fast. The sense of us being strangers. The sense that I loved someone who (even if uncounsciesly) used me. The sense of devalued self worth. The abuse towards the end. Only thing I am proud of is that I left with dignity, that I kept NC that I did start a whole drama after the BU. I just don't want her to see me like this. Don't want her ex to see me like this. Now that I look back I know they're probably making fun of me.

 

Actually she met a friend of mine (to give some of my things back). She told my friend "Alex will manage. He is a big boy. I wanted a break but he insisted to breakup". The last part is true. She kept saying break. But for me the translation was "let me see what I workout with my ex living in a different country and if it doesn't I will come back to you." For me that doesn't work so I told her "I am not a backup. I do not want to believe in a reality that is not true. You may think we can work something out in the future but I am treating this as a breakup. ".

 

Please leave a comment on all this. Any ideas on how to deal with next to no sleep. with lack of appetite. and lack of focus. share your opinion on this whole thing. I just want to find some peace.

[ZiggyZoo]

First off, I'd say that four weeks of NC is great. And you should be proud of all the positive changes you've made in your life too. Second off, four weeks of NC is not nearly long enough to be over a realtionship like this, especially one that ended with her being so abusive and taking up with someone else right away. So stop beating yourself up for not being 100% recovered, you've been put through a lot, and had your self-esteem really dinged up. I think you're on the right path though.

 

My ex-husband (who left me for another woman) pulled a lot of the same crap. Picking little fights, and putting me down right at the end. And replacing me basically before we had broken up. I totally understand what you mean when you say your ex feels like a stranger, I fely the same way. And I blamed myself too, and thought that MY lack of judgement somehow meant that I deserved to have my heart broken. And I went through some horrible depression as a result.

 

My threapist helped pull me out by making me see that the blame for the break-up wasn't with me and what I did or didn't do right in the relationship, but was squarely with my ex. Same goes for you. They both HAD to treat us like sh*t so they could justify leaving for theor own selfish reasons. How did you react when your ex would pick fights with you? I'd guess a little defensively, maybe a little angrily...I did the same thing. And that's what they needed, to appease their consciences for doing something so rotten to us. They both could have told usthat they had feelings for other people and ended it without all that crap, but that would mean having to feel guilty for breaking our hearts and making us sad. This way, they can look back and say "See, look how they were in the end. Total as*hole. I'm glad I'm not with them anymore". Our self-esteem had to take a ding so they could sleep at night.

 

Well, eff that noise. You didn't do anything that deserved that. You deserved honesty and respect, and the fact that she didn't give it to you is NOT your fault. And you did nothing to deserve feeling depressed, I don't care how many red flags you ignored. Shoot, I can't think of one of my own relationships where I didn't ignore at least one myself. And I'd be willing to wager that plenty of others on here would say the same. Just try and learn from it, I guess

Hang in there.

 

It can be really frustrating I know, to still be feeling bad when you know your ex is a complete douchebag and you feel like you should be over being hurt. And to beat yourself up because you think you should've seen it coming. But the truth is, you trusted someone and they broke that trust. And there's nothing you could've done to prevent that from happening, so you are in no way to blame for it. Hang in there, you will.get past this. It'll just take a little longer.

 

I hope this helps. I honestly thought I would never get over my ex-husband, and the time came where I just stopped feeling anything for him. Shoot, I even heard that he and that other woman were getting divorced, and my reaction wasn't to be happy to hear it. I actually felt bad for him, because I know he doesn't have the emotional maturity to handle it and is in for a long hard ride. You'll get there too.