kittenhead Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 two weeks ago my BF had a talk with me thinking i was talking him for granted. he quit his job last night. it was a big deal. i had plans with another friend and my BF was staying with me for a few days. the deal with the friend was that he would come to my house and have dinner--we had been planning for a week. we had been fighting over my inability to stick with plans actually. i was unsure of what to do with my BF and so I asked him if it would be ok if we did something together. he seemed to be really understanding about things. and he even thought he would go out instead--play video games but the night was bad and dangerous--lots of flooding here. basically he feels that i but him out in the rain--on a day when he really needed me-that I should have known--that if i would have just thought of him and not myself then i could've seen that--that i put him out in the rain to have dinner at my house with a friend i don't even really like. he wants to break up and then he doesn't. he's very upset and thinks i abandoned him. i didn't know. i would have never let any of this happen if i had known. but it's too late. he says he doesn't think i can do or say anything more-- i'm so baffled and hurt and scared. we were planning on a life together. i need a "say anything" moment. what can i do to help him forgive me? can he forgive me? what can i do?
boursin_cheese Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 I think I am confused. May I ask? Did your boyfriend opt out of an evening with you and your other friend? Or was he told he wasn't welcome to participate and asked to leave? If you outright asked him to leave, well, that's really the height of rudeness, he was after all, your guest, regardless of your romantic attachment, his job status or the weather... If he declined an invitation to hang out with you and the other friend, well that was his choice but why wouldn't you all just have supper together and enjoy the evening together? Sounds like the thing to do is apologize for your mistake, identify the mistake so he knows it's not a hollow apology. Acknowledge his feelings of hurt and betrayal and try to do that without making excuses or explaining why you thought it was OK at the time. Then stop talking. Listen to what he has to say. Thank him for listening to your apology and say good night. He'll have to decide for himself what his feelings are at that point.
RecordProducer Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 You don't throw your boyfriend out because you're going to have a dinner with another friend. It's not only bad manners, but it shows that you don't really want to be with your boyfriend. What made you tell him to leave? I am not saying that you should spend all your time with the BF, but it's different if you want to go out with a few GFs. You turned out uncaring and insensitive. It made him think that you don't want to be in a committed relationship with him. How come you plan a life together and you kick him out time for dinner? He must be very hurt. Do you really truly love him? In my experience when a woman loves, she wants to spend time with her guy...Have you ever been in love? How old are you, if I may ask?
allina Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Do you love him? DO you truely want to be with him? I understand about not dropping friends for a guy/bf but if this person is your love you are just there for them, you see when they need you and you know when they need to come first in your life. I have a really good relationship with my bf and I would have never done that to him and neither would he to me. I can see why your bf feels the way he does. Make sure you want to save this for the right reasons and that it really isn't time to maybe let go.
Author kittenhead Posted April 4, 2005 Author Posted April 4, 2005 Yes, I truly love him. The situation was weird. It started out like this. He just quit a job--his dream. He started the company 10 months ago with a friend from high school. The high school friend turned out to be someone different then my BF remembered. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. It was heartbreaking. He came to me and said he was going to quit and asked if he could stay with me for awhile to lay low. I was so psyched about this--the whole time we've been together (4 months) all I've wanted was to have some real time with him--starting a compnay requires so many hours--that we could only get together lat night about twice a week. But I just loved him and din't care. I also had someone in my life similar to my BF--a friend from high school that has become controlling--abusive and tough. I was trying to talk through this stuff with him--my high school friend--since we have been friend for 16 years now (I'm 31 now--the BF is 26). last week i made plans with him to have dinner at my house and he wanted to be alone--just us--at my place ---to see if we could work it out---b/c he has not seen my apartment since i moved there and that bothered me--- I forgot about our plans--though--I was just thinking about my BF--and so on Saturday--when he was writing his resignation--I remembered about the plans--but it was tough b/c we were at my BF's house who lives an hour away--with just one car--so he had to drive me back to my house. I talked with my BF about this--and he seemed to empathize b/c of his situation. we started to drive back and i was trying to coordinate plans with my friend--but he was getting upset again--yelling--so i started bargaining with him--i was not thinking clearly--just to caught up in the emotionalness of the moment. I asked my BF if this was ok with him--and he seemed to actually be fine--even looking forward to it--b/c he wanted to go see a movie and play video games on his own--that he's go out for a few hours and come back to my house around 11 PM. I thought--"great" i can get this over with without too much damage--and then i get to spend the rest of the night with my baby. he was also saying that maybe it would be cruel of us to be together in front of my friend--b/c he had just lost the girl he proposed to. but it was raining hard and the weather was dangerous. the night was rough for him --and nothing he planned was working out--i just found out that he went to the computer store to buy me a new computer and that's when he was getting upset--spent the hours in parking lost talking to friends. he said i abandoned him on the night that he needed me most. i tried to explain what had happenned--i thought that he was really cool with everything--b/c he said he was and b/c he seemed to understand the situation--i loved him so much for the kindness--and i was so happy to have someone so understanding in my life. but he said that whatever he might have said i should have known it was wrong and part of me thinks he's right. its just been four months--i don't know enough to be able to detect how he's "really" feeling--i just take things as face value--but i also know that what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong--and i was wrong--i just didn't see the big picture--you know--the forest from the trees--b/c i was just so caught up and twisted. e is comparing this to a situation he was in with his college girlfriend. they were together for three years--she left him on what he and his family thought to be his deathbed--he left her after he got well and he thinks i wasn't there for him. i said that i didn't realize all this b/c i was going on what he said --that he seemed supportive. but also--i think i should have known better. it's not right--under any circumstances--to let someone go out in the rain. I put this other friend before him--because i was too busy trying to please everyone--but i should have been focused on just him. it was a big night--i just thought he was good--and i thought we'd have all this time together b/c he was staying at my house for a few days. but the more and more i think about it--the sicker i become. i'm not a bad person. i'm loving--warm and genuine. but i messed this one up. he said that love is not enough--that he'd rather have someone who is 60%loving, 60% pretty and 60%wonderful for someone who is 100%giving/there for him. and the thing that scares him the most is that he knows i didn't mean this--that it was an accident--that i wasn't aware of it--because that means it could happen again. if i were just being mean--then i would know what to change-- but at this point i've broken his heart.
crazychick Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Maybe he is just too emotional too see right now the whole situation. Quitting your job is a big deal. I can understand you were planning on being with him later anyway so how did you abandon him? Especially if he told you it was ok? The day he quit was a big day for him, of course, but so is everyday after that, dealing with his choice. You are there for him thru that which is also important. Just explain that you are sorry, you really did thought that you guys would have spent the time together later on when it counted the most and that you will be there for him, you want to be there for him.
Nocturnal Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Your boyfriend needs to respect your previously made plans, just because he quit his job doesn't mean you will have to turn your entire world around on a whim, if you have plans, keep them intact. Your boyfriend also shouldn't blame you for him not speaking up when he obviously wasn't ok with being out in the rain, that's not your mistake, that's his mistake. It takes more than 4 month to really know when someone is saying the truth and when someone is simply being 'pleasing.' Also, your friend doesn't seem to be worth all this trouble, if he starts screaming and ranting on the phone over you having your boyfriend with you there, he needs to go. Reading your words it sounds like you're a nice person who was trapped between two needy people, one emotionally and one controlling. And I can understand your confusion, however, had I been in your situation, I would have told my friend to shove it when they started to rant in the phone because quite honestly, he should, just like your boyfriend, be able to respect your life and what's going on in it right now, plans can change, it's not the end of the world. Bottom line is, your boyfriend can't blame you for him not telling you what he felt. You asking him if it's ok is not out of line, a question is not an order. However, I do think you let yourself be a bit too pushed by your friend something you shouldn't have to take.
RecordProducer Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Is the guy who came to your place for dinner actually your ex-boyfriend? Because if so then I understand why your BF who's been with you for only 4 months was jealous. If my BF kicked me out just to be with his ex-GF alone, I would go crazy. You have no feelings for the ex, but he doesn't know that. You wanted to work things from the past out. He got rejected by a girl he proposed so he was prone to hitting on you. That's how your BF was thinking. In any case, I find your post a little bit confusing.
Mr Spock Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Oh f*cking wean him off the teat. You are in trouble because you're a bit air headed. If you'd remembered those plans (on saturday, who quits on a weekend) you could have told your BF to postpone them one more day. Yes, it's IMPORTANT for you not to break plans firmly made. Him quitting his job is not an emergency, like his dog getting hit by a car or breaking his leg. You need to sit him down and explain you are sorry you handled it so badly, but it's not fair of him to expect you to drop plans already made when he really could have quit that job the next day. He's self centered. You let him get away with it. He's got his OWN HOUSE. Don't let him blackmail you emotionally. And next time, don't be so air headed that you can't remember when and who you've made plans with, it certainly doesn't make you sound like you're in your early thirties.
Author kittenhead Posted April 5, 2005 Author Posted April 5, 2005 Fair enough-- it was airheaded. And yeah--I think this whole thing is immature. record producer: i've been friends with this guy since i was 14 (so 16 years now), not an ex at all. There's no sexual attraction between us and we've never been together--we kissed once when we were 16--but we even didn't like that. anyway-- i should be clear that this wasn't just a job--this was a company he was trying to build--he had no pay for 10 months and sacrificed his life for this dream he had. him resigning was the end of a significant period--and the beginning of a new one. but--there's one other thing I think that's important--he lost his mother when he was in really young. his mother died of cancer. --he has some significant abandonment issues. anyway--he told me he was planning on asking me to marry him--but now he's not. he said he's wiling to keep seeing me--but he's making plans for himself--without me. if i want to move to a city where he gets a job--where i live in my own apartment with no promise of a future that was fine. biut he's done putting work into it-- last night i gave him a present--a little box of things and cards and pictures--things that are important to me and him. he cried when he looked at it. he said he still loved me but he didn't like me very much --he said that =when he looks at me he doesn't see the apple of his eye anymore. he said i put him out in the rain on a night he needed me the most. and he is getting support from his friend and family--it seems like no one on his side is saying--well--why did you lead her to believe that you were ok with everything and you weren't--so much could have been avoided-- and all my firnds are saying "Kittenhead, you were wrong to let him go out in the rain--but your a human--you made a mistake--how could you know what he was really thinking if he told you the opposite of what he was feeling?" i don't know what to do--he has an argument for everything I bring to the table--anything that's rational and logical. I'm not just a bitch in his eyes--he said that strange girls on the street have a better chance with him then me--that our relationship is in the negative now--b/c at least with other girls he doesn't know them--but with me, not only does he not believe me--but he also doesn't trust me. i'm thinking i really must be a schmuck. this is just unfair.
Mr Spock Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 anyway--he told me he was planning on asking me to marry him--but now he's not. he said he's wiling to keep seeing me--but he's making plans for himself--without me. Emotionally manipulative bullsh*t. He's overpunishing you, and he knows it. Don't give him that kind of power or he'll walk all over you. State once that you're sorry you weren't organized enough to prevent the faux pas. If he keeps puling jerk crap like that, walk away. You'll find out that people who have abandonment issues tend not to lash out at people if they REALLY think they'll leave them.
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