How Long Should I Wait?

[Interstellark]

My ex broke up with me three nights ago. I could not see it then, but I certainly see it now, it was because of my clingyness and jealousy, all stemming from my issues of insecurity. I feel like I pushed her too far with these issues and caused her to become less attracted to me and ultimately I think that's what made her to break things off. I'm devastated, but working on improving myself to figure out how to make sure this doesn't happen again.

 

I really want your insight and opinions on how I can rekindle the relationship. We dated for nine months, the last six months were long distance, but these nine months were a very intense and extremely bonding time. After only two months I had met and stayed with her parents in her childhood home, and after only one month we both said I love you. She was very sad to break up with me (cried the whole time) and said that I am very special to her and she loves me. She said she still wants to be friends, but doesn't know how to not be in a relationship with me. She said she would want to contact me every once in a while, but I said I'll need time, so we decided that I would be the one who contacts her when I'm ready.

 

I know because our bond was so strong that she still has feelings for me, at least for now. Do I wait to tell her what I've learned sooner rather than later, or contact her sometime in the future? My emotions are still very raw so I will definitely wait some time, but maybe this relationship is just over? Please Help

[mightycpa]

There is some part of her that will always think about you that way. You've formed an impression that is almost indelible.

 

The only way you can change that impression is to have actually changed. This takes two things: a) motivation, which you probably have and b) time, of which you definitely haven't had enough.

 

The likely truth is that you shouldn't contact her until you are indifferent about her. Then, why would you?

 

If you do, it is only then that you will be able to show genuine aloofness, and present a non-clingy persona that she can believe. If you truly care for her, you'll want to be with her as much as you can. That's perfectly natural. The problem is that she'll be predisposed to detect clinginess in that posture, even if it isn't exactly true.

 

You're in a no-win situation right now. The only way to get her back is to let her go, and I mean, your heart needs to let her go.

[Holmes85]

My ex broke up with me three nights ago. I could not see it then, but I certainly see it now, it was because of my clingyness and jealousy, all stemming from my issues of insecurity. I feel like I pushed her too far with these issues and caused her to become less attracted to me and ultimately I think that's what made her to break things off. I'm devastated, but working on improving myself to figure out how to make sure this doesn't happen again.

 

Let me make something very clear, none of the issues that you posted above were the factor in her breaking up with you. If someone really loves you, they want the relationship to work, when there are problems, it is communicated like adults to resolve it, breaking up doesn't solve anything, it just shows that your partner would rather leave the problems behind instead of solving it.

 

I really want your insight and opinions on how I can rekindle the relationship. We dated for nine months, the last six months were long distance, but these nine months were a very intense and extremely bonding time. After only two months I had met and stayed with her parents in her childhood home, and after only one month we both said I love you. She was very sad to break up with me (cried the whole time) and said that I am very special to her and she loves me.

 

I am telling you right now, mark my words, she is interested in someone else. Her crying and all that, it's just an act, because she's not sure what to do, be with you or persue the new romantic interest, by her actions she's likely to persue her new romantic interest, this is the reason why she broke up with you in the first place.

She said she still wants to be friends, but doesn't know how to not be in a relationship with me. She said she would want to contact me every once in a while, but I said I'll need time, so we decided that I would be the one who contacts her when I'm ready.

 

She feels guilty for breaking up, she wants you to be her friend so you can ease her guilt, don't remain friends with her, cut her off...completely.

 

I know because our bond was so strong that she still has feelings for me, at least for now. Do I wait to tell her what I've learned sooner rather than later, or contact her sometime in the future? My emotions are still very raw so I will definitely wait some time, but maybe this relationship is just over? Please Help

 

Actually your bond was strong with her, her's not so much. Otherwise she wouldn't have broken up with you. Your emotions are all over the place, you need to go completely dark on her, you need to get yourself back, you need to start thinking logically instead of emotionally and trust me it's not going to happen anytime soon until you completely cut off ties with her.