Lindi Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) 8 years ago I met the love of my life. I didnt know it back then. At first, I insisted that we be friends. The friendship lasted for 3 years which he spent trying to get me to change my mind. It worked. We started dating and were together for 8 months. Its a short time. But we grew so much. He was the most loving and caring person in the world. He placed me on a pedestal. He was my best friend (still) and there was nothing that he didnt know about me, still he adored me. I however felt that I was not really physically attracted to him. I was young and incredibly stupid. I left him for someone else. That someone else turned out to be the worst decision I have ever made. Three months later I was pregnant. My new boyfriend chose to run for the hills. And the guy who I left, my best friend, proposed. He wanted us to be together even after I broke his heart and was prepared to do whatever it takes. I could not do that. Over time he (my ex and best friend) talked me into having an abortion. I was too stupid to consider it properly. I was confused and heartbroken. But I did it. It was my decision...I have regretted this every single day since. Life went on and we both went our seperate ways. I cry about my baby every day. All I ever wanted to be was a mom. Now 5 years later. I am with someone else. It is a very abusive relationship and I ended up losing my friends, a very good job, my house and my family bonds. Today I saw my ex again. He was exactly the same person. He still talks to me in the beautiful way that he used to. He still loves me with all his heart. And I love him more than ever and want to make up for what I have done to him. My heart is broken. I have messed up his life. My own. And that of an innocent baby. I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I said yes, had the little one and married my best friend. Edited February 12, 2015 by Lindi
KBarletta Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I wish I knew then what I know now. Sadly, this could be the title of a great number of threads on these boards. Have you communicated your interest in reconciliation with your ex/best friend? Is he receptive?
idoltree Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 My reaction is that you've connected a whole lot of things that don't need to be connected. First, taking your ex/best friend out of the equation, why are you still in your abusive relationship? You can leave. It may not be easy, but you can leave. Are you waiting to have someone else to bounce to, or have someone rescue you? Because you don't need either. You can leave, right now. Do not confuse this situation with your feelings for your ex. Those are separate issues. Secondly, you are grieving over the abortion that you had, and you sound like you are stuck. Your guilt is such that you can't let go of the grief. I understand that, but you have to find the courage at some point to let go. That doesn't mean that you let go of the love you feel for your baby, or that you don't think of your baby, just that you forgive yourself. You made the best decision you could at the time. You are also bringing your ex into your grief over your abortion, but he doesn't belong here. You have two regrets in your life, but they are not the same thing and should be kept separate. Third, you did not mess up his life. You were not mature enough to appreciate what you had when you had it. Who is to say that if you'd decided to stay that you would still be together? You can't control life events. There may have been something that came up that lead him to leave you. If you weren't ready to appreciate him, maybe you would have cheated. Maybe you would have left him five years later. Maybe he would have left you. Assuming that life would be wonderful if you'd made a different choice isn't how the real world works. So try to separate all of those things because they don't belong together in one big muddy mess. They are separate issues. Concentrate on leaving your abusive relationship now. That's where you need to devote your time and energy. Get in touch with a women's shelter in your town and get their advice about leaving. You don't mention if the abuse is physical, but if it is, you need to do this in a safe way, which means lots of planning so you don't tip off the abuser. You need a plan. Then, when you're away and safe, you can approach your ex/best friend and let him know how you have been feeling. It's important that you do these in this order, because you will need him to know that your feelings are real, and that he's not just an escape plan for you. And he needs to know that feel like you're ready to appreciate him and love him now, and while you regret some past choices, you weren't ready to do so back then. 4
KBarletta Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Excellent points by idoltree! It happens often that people in highly stressful situations see their problems as one big problem without separating them and addressing them individually. It's important to think of them as distinct issues each with their own solutions and to address them in the proper order.
quattrob Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 KBarletta, you sound like my ex gf who dumped me recently (about a month now), for the same exact reason as yours "not really physically attracted to him, was young and incredibly stupid and not mature enough to appreciate." I am sorry you had to learn it the hard way but I'm also glad you did. Some people learn things the hard way and in this case you'll be better a person because of it. Whether or not you can be with the person which you took for granted is not that important. What's important is realizing your bad choices (there's never really a wrong choice) and learn from them to become a better person.
Poppyolive Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 My reaction is that you've connected a whole lot of things that don't need to be connected. First, taking your ex/best friend out of the equation, why are you still in your abusive relationship? You can leave. It may not be easy, but you can leave. Are you waiting to have someone else to bounce to, or have someone rescue you? Because you don't need either. You can leave, right now. Do not confuse this situation with your feelings for your ex. Those are separate issues. Secondly, you are grieving over the abortion that you had, and you sound like you are stuck. Your guilt is such that you can't let go of the grief. I understand that, but you have to find the courage at some point to let go. That doesn't mean that you let go of the love you feel for your baby, or that you don't think of your baby, just that you forgive yourself. You made the best decision you could at the time. You are also bringing your ex into your grief over your abortion, but he doesn't belong here. You have two regrets in your life, but they are not the same thing and should be kept separate. Third, you did not mess up his life. You were not mature enough to appreciate what you had when you had it. Who is to say that if you'd decided to stay that you would still be together? You can't control life events. There may have been something that came up that lead him to leave you. If you weren't ready to appreciate him, maybe you would have cheated. Maybe you would have left him five years later. Maybe he would have left you. Assuming that life would be wonderful if you'd made a different choice isn't how the real world works. So try to separate all of those things because they don't belong together in one big muddy mess. They are separate issues. Concentrate on leaving your abusive relationship now. That's where you need to devote your time and energy. Get in touch with a women's shelter in your town and get their advice about leaving. You don't mention if the abuse is physical, but if it is, you need to do this in a safe way, which means lots of planning so you don't tip off the abuser. You need a plan. Then, when you're away and safe, you can approach your ex/best friend and let him know how you have been feeling. It's important that you do these in this order, because you will need him to know that your feelings are real, and that he's not just an escape plan for you. And he needs to know that feel like you're ready to appreciate him and love him now, and while you regret some past choices, you weren't ready to do so back then. The voice of reason
darkbloom Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 It sounds like you need some serious counseling for you to heal. Everything has happened in your life is a chance for you to grow and become a better person. You had to chase the greener grass to realize how good you originally had it. You now know what you want and you WILL appreciate it much better now that you know. As for the baby, maybe that was not a time in your life that you should have been a mom. I think you should seek grief counseling for this. You can still be a mom and still love yourself. Don't best yourself up too hard. We all make mistakes and the point is to learn from them and make yourself better.
Author Lindi Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Reading your replies made me realise that I might have had the wrong approach to everything. Firstly, yes...it is all seperate issues. And yes, things may not have worked out in the way I think it could have. Thank you so much for the advice Think my main focus should be to get myself on track first. 1
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