mightycpa Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 So I'm going to take one more stab at this, then I'm done. So, you wrote about the date, you wrote that it bothered you and you wrote that you saw a pattern. I read bohica's comments, and whether I'm sympathetic or not, you two seem to be birds of a feather, and you got some feedback that centered around neediness, or at least, that's what I got out of it. What struck me in particular was bohica's comment: ... I called her beautiful, something she should appreciate and respond to. So, to me, instead of this being a nice compliment, it was more. He was fishing for some type of reciprocation; I can't tell whether it was for a stroke, gratitude, reassurance, affirmation or appreciation. He wanted a sign. He didn't get it as quickly as he wanted it, and downward spiral. You empathized. I didn't. Need... need for what? I don't know. Some kind of connection where you give each other this instant feedback that you still like each other. Then I wondered whether somehow, some way, if you are attracted to the kind of girl who has trouble creating that kind of connection. You said you went out with a bunch of girls, but it was THIS ONE that you liked, even though she seems to be toying with you. I had to wonder if it was BECAUSE she was toying with you. I think the ordinary response would be to pass and move on without a second thought. But this one bothered you for some reason, caused you the anxiety, and you're sticking with her? Or you're not but you would have liked to? I notice that bohica likes the one that makes him anxious too. Cause or effect? Hard to say, but I wonder if there is an insight in that for you. Anyway, I'm out of ideas. Good luck.
Author Heisenberger Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 So I'm going to take one more stab at this, then I'm done. So, you wrote about the date, you wrote that it bothered you and you wrote that you saw a pattern. I read bohica's comments, and whether I'm sympathetic or not, you two seem to be birds of a feather, and you got some feedback that centered around neediness, or at least, that's what I got out of it. What struck me in particular was bohica's comment: So, to me, instead of this being a nice compliment, it was more. He was fishing for some type of reciprocation; I can't tell whether it was for a stroke, gratitude, reassurance, affirmation or appreciation. He wanted a sign. He didn't get it as quickly as he wanted it, and downward spiral. You empathized. I didn't. Need... need for what? I don't know. Some kind of connection where you give each other this instant feedback that you still like each other. Then I wondered whether somehow, some way, if you are attracted to the kind of girl who has trouble creating that kind of connection. You said you went out with a bunch of girls, but it was THIS ONE that you liked, even though she seems to be toying with you. I had to wonder if it was BECAUSE she was toying with you. I think the ordinary response would be to pass and move on without a second thought. But this one bothered you for some reason, caused you the anxiety, and you're sticking with her? Or you're not but you would have liked to? I notice that bohica likes the one that makes him anxious too. Cause or effect? Hard to say, but I wonder if there is an insight in that for you. Anyway, I'm out of ideas. Good luck. No mate not at all. I don't like the whole toying thing, I stuck it out a little to try and see what she was really like. I have no interest in women like that, I called it off. I Was wondering if it was her that was making me anxious or my history with women. It's hard to tell the difference between my gut and my anxiety sometime. Just wanted to hear another perspective.
Emilia Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 No mate not at all. I don't like the whole toying thing, I stuck it out a little to try and see what she was really like. I have no interest in women like that, I called it off. I Was wondering if it was her that was making me anxious or my history with women. It's hard to tell the difference between my gut and my anxiety sometime. Just wanted to hear another perspective. Apart from the abusive relationship, have you ever had anything long term with someone? What was the longest relationship that wasn't abusive?
bohica Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I just wanted to add this.. When it comes to women I sometimes lack patients, tend to over analyze, and read into things. I get a huge amount of anxiety when things don't seem all magical. But as I grow older I realize it's that I am also extremely intuitive person. My gut instincts are very keen, and pronounced and it comes on quick. Like a freight train. It shows through in a big way. I have to say that even though I sometimes view the way I am as self destructive that 95% of the time I am right. Maybe we need to embrace it more instead of fighting it..... update: I followed my gut and called the girl to tell her I didn't feel she was crazy about me and we both deserve that feeling. She flipped out, yelling all kinds of crazy things. I waited almost two weeks for this girl to come around. I found out from a friend that indeed she wasn't sure about me.... My instincts were right.
Author Heisenberger Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Apart from the abusive relationship, have you ever had anything long term with someone? What was the longest relationship that wasn't abusive? Longest relationship before was a year. Nothing too serious as I was only 18
Author Heisenberger Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 I just wanted to add this.. When it comes to women I sometimes lack patients, tend to over analyze, and read into things. I get a huge amount of anxiety when things don't seem all magical. But as I grow older I realize it's that I am also extremely intuitive person. My gut instincts are very keen, and pronounced and it comes on quick. Like a freight train. It shows through in a big way. I have to say that even though I sometimes view the way I am as self destructive that 95% of the time I am right. Maybe we need to embrace it more instead of fighting it..... update: I followed my gut and called the girl to tell her I didn't feel she was crazy about me and we both deserve that feeling. She flipped out, yelling all kinds of crazy things. I waited almost two weeks for this girl to come around. I found out from a friend that indeed she wasn't sure about me.... My instincts were right. Don't really know what to say mate. If I'm not interested in someone, I know pretty quickly. I never confront them about it, if they want to talk to me about it, I'll talk.
bohica Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) Don't really know what to say mate. If I'm not interested in someone, I know pretty quickly. I never confront them about it, if they want to talk to me about it, I'll talk. Well, I was interested in this girl. I am still interested in this girl. I was having a great time. We have been seeing each other for six weeks or so once or twice a week. Fantastic time. I've become less interested because I sensed she wasn't interested in me. She did a 180 really quick. I would never NOT confront someone I have been seeing for a few weeks. One or two dates sure. In this situation I wouldn't just walk. I needed to tell her I didn't think it was going to work out. I just don't see myself not confronting someone I needed to break it off with. I don't like the word confronting here. It sounds confrontational. I simply told a girl I was dating I didn't think it was going to work out. Edited February 13, 2015 by bohica
Author Heisenberger Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Well, I was interested in this girl. I am still interested in this girl. I was having a great time. We have been seeing each other for six weeks or so once or twice a week. Fantastic time. I've become less interested because I sensed she wasn't interested in me. She did a 180 really quick. I would never NOT confront someone I have been seeing for a few weeks. One or two dates sure. In this situation I wouldn't just walk. I needed to tell her I didn't think it was going to work out. I just don't see myself not confronting someone I needed to break it off with. I don't like the word confronting here. It sounds confrontational. I simply told a girl I was dating I didn't think it was going to work out. My mates tell me that it's because I put too much pressure on myself I don't even know how I do this or how to stop it for that matter. I've met girls I like a lot but I'm not attracted to, I'm not anxious with them? I am starting to see a pattern. I just think maybe history has a lot to do with it, constant conflict and **** like that. Maybe I'm expecting that to happen now. Think it's about time I stopped tarring people with the same brush and trusting my instincts when something doesn't feel right? And try not to put it down to my anxiety? I think it's paid off for me this time.
bohica Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) My mates tell me that it's because I put too much pressure on myself I don't even know how I do this or how to stop it for that matter. I've met girls I like a lot but I'm not attracted to, I'm not anxious with them? I am starting to see a pattern. I just think maybe history has a lot to do with it, constant conflict and **** like that. Maybe I'm expecting that to happen now. Think it's about time I stopped tarring people with the same brush and trusting my instincts when something doesn't feel right? And try not to put it down to my anxiety? I think it's paid off for me this time. Hmmm. Maybe by listening and reacting to the instinct sooner then later it will alleviate a lot of the anxiety. It's overwhelming, I think, because we want to be happy. I never get anxiety over someone I don't like. I can date someone casually and not get the same feeling. It's only when I want it to work or when I want someone to like me or when I am disappointed. I like to feel confident and secure in how someone feels. Starting to think I sound like a women here! haha.... no offense ladies. Going with the gut straight away instead of waiting may be helpful. Edited February 13, 2015 by bohica
Author Heisenberger Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Apart from the abusive relationship, have you ever had anything long term with someone? What was the longest relationship that wasn't abusive? Hey Emilia, I was interested on your take on things. Anywhere I can pm you please?
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