Emilia Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Cbt, mbt, I practice being mindful. Ok, will get back to this thread tomorrow, have to go. 1
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I think you're totally at fault here. The woman sounds fun, aggressive(foreign women often are), a bit old fashioned, and game. You sound uptight, paranoid, uncomfortable and hyper-critical. I think it's a good choice to lay off the dating a while. Let's try and figure out what's making you this way. I don't think either your parents or pot is causing this. Incidentally, I would also advise you to not go so all out with these dates. Bowling and dinner on a first date? Too much. How about coffee? I know that sounds boring, but when you don't know someone and you're trying to see if there's a spark, the less the better. Don't invest so much. That will lessen some of the anxiety. What was your last relationship like? Oh and I finished the dating with her because don't want someone who just what's what I've got, arrogents is a massive turn off and there's a fine line between that and confidence. Without sounding big headed, I haven't had a problem with the actual women, just with my own head. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I don't understand why you and Emilia are ruffled about my reply. Your first post asks the question was I justified in my anxiety? I answered it as I saw fit---it wasn't justified. Now you're saying yes I'm anxious but I had cause for it. You're also saying help me find the cause of my anxiety. If you were justified, then there's the cause for your anxiety.
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I don't understand why you and Emilia are ruffled about my reply. Your first post asks the question was I justified in my anxiety? I answered it as I saw fit---it wasn't justified. Now you're saying yes I'm anxious but I had cause for it. You're also saying help me find the cause of my anxiety. If you were justified, then there's the cause for your anxiety. That's what I'm trying to say, if you don't suffer with it you won't get it. It makes me doubt the choices I make, even if they're the right ones. Everyday life is fine, I'm confident and know I'm worth something. Throw a girl in to the mix and everything goes to ****?! You're answer is justified, I just don't necessarily agree with it. How is arrogents fun? 1
bohica Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I just sent someone that I've been seeing a text that simply read... "good morning beautiful. How are you today?" I feel a ton of anxiety just over this text so I know all to well the feeling. Fear of rejection.....??
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I just sent someone that I've been seeing a text that simply read... "good morning beautiful. How are you today?" I feel a ton of anxiety just over this text so I know all to well the feeling. Fear of rejection.....?? Possibly? Maybe that why I do the rejecting first? I feel your pain on that one. The second online date I went on told me I should be excited and happy after 5 dates. Maybe this has stuck with my, hence why I don't enjoy it anymore?
SycamoreCircle Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Set aside the whole arrogant thing. I don't think that's at the heart of the issue. Why don't you talk about your last relationship? When was it? How long did it last? How did it end?
bohica Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 In my head...how long do I what for a response before I consider it a blow off. Even if I get a response twelve hours from now I'll still be upset. 2
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I don't understand why you and Emilia are ruffled about my reply. Your first post asks the question was I justified in my anxiety? I answered it as I saw fit---it wasn't justified. Now you're saying yes I'm anxious but I had cause for it. You're also saying help me find the cause of my anxiety. If you were justified, then there's the cause for your anxiety. I've come on here and posted this to try and sort out the problem, seeing other peoples insight into this helps. Advice is taken and put in to practice. Criticism for something you obviously don't understand is clearly going to be taken harshly. Maybe being a bit more tactful will result on positive replies to your posts. 2
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Set aside the whole arrogant thing. I don't think that's at the heart of the issue. Why don't you talk about your last relationship? When was it? How long did it last? How did it end? Two years ago, for three years. She was abusive and didn't appreciate me. I put up with a lot of **** and did a lot for her. She ****ed me about with 3 pregnancies and put me in a lot of debt
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 In my head...how long do I what for a response before I consider it a blow off. Even if I get a response twelve hours from now I'll still be upset. I do the same thing. I could be working away not thinking about it at all, the phone dings and I'm hit by a tidal wave. I don't enjoy anything when I'm dating, apart from the actual date itself. Even time with my friends, I really have to practice putting things out of my head.
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Two years ago, for three years. She was abusive and didn't appreciate me. I put up with a lot of **** and did a lot for her. She ****ed me about with 3 pregnancies and put me in a lot of debt Don't get me wrong I ****ed up too. I can see my flaws and I try to fix them. She didn't and I paid a lot for it. For some reason I kept going back to her.
mightycpa Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 In my head...how long do I what for a response before I consider it a blow off. Even if I get a response twelve hours from now I'll still be upset. Why do you think you are owed a response? Can't you just text a nice greeting and be done with it? Your affections seem to come with strings attached. Nobody likes that. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I've come on here and posted this to try and sort out the problem, seeing other peoples insight into this helps. Advice is taken and put in to practice. Criticism for something you obviously don't understand is clearly going to be taken harshly. Maybe being a bit more tactful will result on positive replies to your posts.You're very comfortable telling people there's no possible way they can understand your problems. Guess what? I'm starting to believe you. Best of luck. 1
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Why do you think you are owed a response? Can't you just text a nice greeting and be done with it? Your affections seem to come with strings attached. Nobody likes that. Obviously another person who doesn't understand that people have history and it effects their future. Obviously the text was meant to be affectionate with no strings. The only strings attached are the thought patterns. Try looking the word compassion up. 1
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 You're very comfortable telling people there's no possible way they can understand your problems. Guess what? I'm starting to believe you. Best of luck. On the contrary. I don't expect people to understand my problems, like i can't with someone else if I haven't experienced the same thing. But I can try to empathise. Something you lack... 1
bohica Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Why do you think you are owed a response? Can't you just text a nice greeting and be done with it? Your affections seem to come with strings attached. Nobody likes that. I guess you don't understand the bigger picture of the situation with this one particular girl who seems to not be responding to my attempts at pursuing her and not showing she really likes me in spite of her saying it. My text was a statement with a question attached. I called her beautiful, something she should appreciate and respond to. I ask her a question, one I meant, How are you? It doesn't really matter. I am not sending follow up messages asking why she didn't respond. Anyway, I don't want to take away from this guys thread. 2
kendahke Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 everything goes to ****?! it goes to isht because of your level of expectation going in... it's unrealistic. Then some little thing happens or doesn't happen and the voice in your head screams SEE!!! SEE!!!! I TOLD YOU SO!!!!! You had a laundry list going in--but you still made a date with this imperfect woman why? You could have just as easily passed. So she turns up being who she is and you're ticking away off your list and now you get to sit up and say "I was right"... well, you're right and you're alone. Try living in the moment, instead of living in the future for the fulfillment of the unrealistic expectation. That can reduce the anxiety a lot. 3
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 it goes to isht because of your level of expectation going in... it's unrealistic. Then some little thing happens or doesn't happen and the voice in your head screams SEE!!! SEE!!!! I TOLD YOU SO!!!!! You had a laundry list going in--but you still made a date with this imperfect woman why? You could have just as easily passed. So she turns up being who she is and you're ticking away off your list and now you get to sit up and say "I was right"... well, you're right and you're alone. Try living in the moment, instead of living in the future for the fulfillment of the unrealistic expectation. That can reduce the anxiety a lot. Yeah maybe it's unfair of me and to the other person. It's something I can't help and don't understand how not to do it. I live in the moment all the time when I'm not dating, it's not a problem at all. So I'm trying to figure out where I'm ballsing it all up?
kendahke Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 and if none of us here can understand where you're coming from, then perhaps it's time to leave the amateurs alone and go pay for someone who does this for a living. If one doesn't work out, there are hundreds more, one of whom may work. 1
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I guess you don't understand the bigger picture of the situation with this one particular girl who seems to not be responding to my attempts at pursuing her and not showing she really likes me in spite of her saying it. My text was a statement with a question attached. I called her beautiful, something she should appreciate and respond to. I ask her a question, one I meant, How are you? It doesn't really matter. I am not sending follow up messages asking why she didn't respond. Anyway, I don't want to take away from this guys thread. You're alright mate, it sound like we do the same thing. It's good to have insight in other people's experiences 2
bohica Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 You're alright mate, it sound like we do the same thing. It's good to have insight in other people's experiences It does. btw: still haven't heard back. going nuts. haha...
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 It does. btw: still haven't heard back. going nuts. haha... I find that sport helps a lot, gym or climbing usually. Something to give reason to your body for the increased heart rate. Mates have said just go out with loads of girls at the same time, this didn't work. I couldn't really care about the others over the one I liked. It was only loads of first dates, I'm no player and hate the idea of it too. I couldn't keep up with it and it was really expensive lol However, my bowling skills are epic now...lol
wb1988 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) Wow this guy seems spot on about the girl but everyone is making it out like he's the problem. If a girl says "I'll give you 1 more chance" it's making you the bad guy, her right (even when wrong), lowering your value, forcing the guy to start sucking up to her and creating anxiety on the man about messing up (because there is only 1 more 'chance'). The foreign part has nothing to do with it. Are you saying that British girls don't act that way because I'm an American in the UK and I know that would be total nonsense; British girls can also be aggressive. As a foreigner myself I can say that most foreign girls in the UK (especially east europeans) consider British men to be unconfident pushovers which is maybe why she acts the way she does with you. What I'm trying to say is that she might be a great person and not aggressive at all but you just have to break the mould she's put you in. The important part is that you actually recognize what's going on (most other guys would be like play-doh) and are playing it cool. If she does anything you don't like just stay calm or even laugh because you're 1 step ahead. If you're into this girl then know what it will take alot of work to undo all the ego building she's had over the years. Edited February 12, 2015 by wb1988 1
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Wow this guy seems spot on about the girl but everyone is making it out like he's the problem. If a girl says "I'll give you 1 more chance" it's making you the bad guy, her right (even when wrong), lowering your value, forcing the guy to start sucking up to her and creating anxiety on the man about messing up (because there is only 1 more 'chance'). The foreign part has nothing to do with it. Are you saying that British girls don't act that way because I'm an American in the UK and I know that would be total nonsense; British girls can also be aggressive. As a foreigner myself I can say that most foreign girls in the UK (especially east europeans) consider British men to be unconfident pushovers which is maybe why she acts the way she does with you. What I'm trying to say is that she might be a great person and not aggressive at all but you just have to break the mould she's put you in. The important part is that you actually recognize what's going on (most other guys would be like play-doh) and are playing it cool. If she does anything you don't like just stay calm or even laugh because you're 1 step ahead. If you're into this girl then know what it will take alot of work to undo all the ego building she's had over the years. Cheers mate. I couldn't handle a bird like that. I've been there and I'm not doing that again. It just seemed too good to be true. Can't believe I kinda fell for that bulls*it
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