Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) Hey guys This is going to be a long post so please bare with me. I've been dating for what seems like eternity, the dates either don't go past the first or I finish them around the 3rd due to high levels of anxiety. This seems to be a big problem for me. I Just don't understand why it gets to me so much. I've now decided I'm not ready for a relationship now and have pulled out of the dating scene. I'm just wondering whether this time it was my anxiety or my gut instinct, because it's really hard to tell between the two!! I met this Spanish girl on tinder, I told myself I wouldn't go back on that site after the experience and type of girls on there, but I did. I was on there for a day and got a match and the messages started coming from her. She claimed she'd only been on there for for 10 mins. Didn't really believe this. We seemed to hit it off pretty quickly and sorted a first date. I took her bowling, a few drinks and some dinner. It was going really well, she was very attractive and friendly and I had her undivided attention. She said she'd been in England for a few years, even though her English wasn't that great. There was a little language barrier. She seemed a little too keen, normally this would bother me and make me run, but she was fit. She brought up my profile and started talking about it, then decided to show me her inbox on the sly. ( I thought this was a bit off ) there was obviously messages from other guys, I just saw this as a bit of a game. On the way to dinner she linked my arm and said how handsome I was, again, normally this would make me back off because of being too keen, but it made me think she was a bit of a player. At dinner she appeared to be flirting with the waiter right infront of me. This pissed me off, but I kept my mouth closed. Later on I dropped her back at her place, she said she'd like to meet again,I said that Itd be cool. She then turned to me and said, "well, aren't you going to kiss me then?" I reached over and she practically shoved her tounge down my throat. I'd normally feel that the date had gone well, but I just couldn't really get a buzz from it. I went home and went to bed. The second date was organised, I took her out of town to a bar. We talked and had a laugh. We were on the topic of cars and asked if she could drive mine. I laughed and said no chance, she started to kiss my neck and talk to me in Spanish, i said "the answer is still no". She mentioned golfs were here favourite, I showed her a picture of my old R32, she then said "if you had that now, I'd be your girlfriend". I told here that you can't say things like that and made it clear I wasn't happy. After that she came across as really arrogant, she pointed at me and looked me down then did the same to herself as if to say I'm better than you. I just played with it but I was pissed off. I decided to take her back. Back at hers, I stopped the car a said I was heading off, she said "is that it? You're just dropping me off?" I said yeah, I'm wasnt happy with the way she came across. She said it was my problem, I laughed and said there was no problem. Later that night at home I got a long message from here saying it was unfair I just dropped here off because she, apparently, got misunderstood because of the language barrier. I was stoned and didn't was to reply until I'd had time to think about it with a clear head. In this message she had also said to me "out of the hundreds of things you like about me, you decide to focus on the one bad thing", this was arrogant and I was kind of thinking who the hell does this girl think she is? In the morning I somehow managed to let her convince me I had misread it and told here it would be better to talk about it face to face. We met for a coffee and somehow she had managed to get me to take the blame for it and I apologised?!? I felt like I'd fallen into a bit of a trap? She said that she'd give me one more chance! :/ wtf? I said I d leave the next date to here, she then asked me what I was up to on Tuesday, I said nothing and we planned the dreaded date no 3! In the meantime she was blowing hot and cold on me, flowing conversation via text one minute then nothing for 6-7 hours, but only replying she was going to bed or out with her mates. I thought this was a bit strange but maybe a bit of paranoia? She also told me that her family were coming to stay over valentines weekend, again I thought this was off. I mean, it could be true but my paranoia kicked in again. Thinking about everything and all the anxiety it brought, I decided that I wasn't going to take her on the 3rd. Too many things felt strange and I found it hard to trust the things she was saying. Anything to rid the anxiety! I suppose I'm looking for insight into this, if I followerd my gut or anxiety, read too much into it or was paranoid for a good reason? I'm obviously not ready for all this as I keep repeating the same pattern. Now I just feel a bit depressed because, yet again, the same thing has happened. My mates think its a gift that I can go on so many dates, but I see it as hell and a bit of a curse. I know I probably do it to myself, I just can't let things "just happen". Any insight into this would be appreciated too. Thank you Edited February 12, 2015 by Heisenberger
Rko28 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Right so youve got anxiety issues and get paranoid? yet you smoke weed? Something which is known to make them things worse! Theres you answer right there, quit doing that! 1
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Right so youve got anxiety issues and get paranoid? yet you smoke weed? Something which is known to make them things worse! Theres you answer right there, quit doing that! I hardly smoke at all. Once in a blue moon, but I hear where you're coming from. What's your take on the girl though?
Emilia Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 What's your background? Are you parents together or divorced? Do they fight a lot, are they anxious? Do you have ADHD or anything like that?
bohica Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) I hardly smoke at all. Once in a blue moon, but I hear where you're coming from. What's your take on the girl though? Ok, first. Your not smoking on the date or showing up stoned so the whole weed thing isn't applicable because you get these feelings while on the date. Yes, if your home thinking about it and getting stoned it may make it worse. Second, I think she was doing things that turned you off, period. It's cool you gave it a second, even a third chance so don't beat yourself up. The things she did would have turned me off too. She may have been joking but she sounds a bit immature OR is a little materialistic and makes it sound you should be lucky to be in her presence. Remember, someone should deserve your company. Lastly, I am someone who gets overwhelmed with anxiety when I date someone. I am 46 yrs old and I still can't control it. I meet someone I like, I over think, analyze and drown in so much anxiety that my heart pounds. I'm going through it now and I struggle with, is this me being self destructive or is it my gut instincts. It's crazy and the sole reason I've been on this forum for the last week. I go to sleep thinking about it and I wake up thinking about it. I haven't slept well in days. I am self diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.... ; ) Edited February 12, 2015 by bohica 1
Rko28 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I hardly smoke at all. Once in a blue moon, but I hear where you're coming from. What's your take on the girl though? Id still try and cut it out, its only going to add to what anxiety you have. Trust me ive seen a few of my friends been mentally destroyed by the stuff. As for the genuine anxiety I wish I could help, I get in similar situations myself when I 1st start dating, after a while once the trust is there then it goes. With regards to the girl? theres nothing more unattractive than arrogance, if it bothers you then move on. 2
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 What's your background? Are you parents together or divorced? Do they fight a lot, are they anxious? Do you have ADHD or anything like that? My parents are divorced yeah, my old man was an *******. Didn't have an easy childhood and was diagnosed with ADHD when I was young, don't think I actuslly had it though, just a ****ed up kid with a lot going on. Was in an abusive relationship for 3 years, that ended 2 years ago,
Emilia Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 My parents are divorced yeah, my old man was an *******. Didn't have an easy childhood and was diagnosed with ADHD when I was young, don't think I actuslly had it though, just a ****ed up kid with a lot going on. Was in an abusive relationship for 3 years, that ended 2 years ago, Here is your answer. At least partially. Unfortunately our upbringing shapes us to a large degree and the behaviour you saw from your parents, the lack of stability while growing up, probably your mum's struggles contribute to your anxiety today. It's the lack of trust that it would be different for you, obviously being in an abusive relationship doesn't help those trust issues. 1
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Ok, first. Your not smoking on the date or showing up stoned so the whole weed thing isn't applicable because you get these feelings while on the date. Yes, if your home thinking about it and getting stoned it may make it worse. Second, I think she was doing things that turned you off, period. It's cool you gave it a second, even a third chance so don't beat yourself up. The things she did would have turned me off too. She may have been joking but she sounds a bit immature OR is a little materialistic and makes it sound you should be lucky to be in her presence. Remember, someone should deserve your company. Lastly, I am someone who gets overwhelmed with anxiety when I date someone. I am 46 yrs old and I still can't control it. I meet someone I like, I over think, analyze and drown in so much anxiety that my heart pounds. I'm going through it now and I struggle with, is this me being self destructive or is it my gut instincts. It's crazy and the sole reason I've been on this forum for the last week. I go to sleep thinking about it and I wake up thinking about it. I haven't slept well in days. I am self diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.... ; ) its really hard isn't it? I was told it would get better the more I date, hence the amount of dates I've been on. If I like them, I get anxious, if I don't like them, I get anxious. I'm fine on the actual dates and don't have a problem in that respect. The more time goes on, the more anxious I get. My past obviously has a lot to do with it. The funny thing is I put on my profile that I don't want to date anyone aggressive, crazy, arrogant or materialistic. She pulled this up and said that's why she spoke to me, even though she seemed to tick at least two of those boxes??! I really get the feeling she was looking for an ego boost and saw that part of my profile and assumed it was a weakness?
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Here is your answer. At least partially. Unfortunately our upbringing shapes us to a large degree and the behaviour you saw from your parents, the lack of stability while growing up, probably your mum's struggles contribute to your anxiety today. It's the lack of trust that it would be different for you, obviously being in an abusive relationship doesn't help those trust issues. How am I meant to work on these issues? I've been to counselling and group therapy nothing really seems to work. It just appears that everyone else can just get on with it and enjoy the early days. It's a nightmare for me, I hate it. Maybe I just haven't come across the right person yet? But to be honest I'm sick of looking.
Emilia Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 The funny thing is I put on my profile that I don't want to date anyone aggressive, crazy, arrogant or materialistic. She pulled this up and said that's why she spoke to me, even though she seemed to tick at least two of those boxes??! I really get the feeling she was looking for an ego boost and saw that part of my profile and assumed it was a weakness? You can't expect people to self-select. How many will go around and say 'this guy doesn't want aggressive, crazy, arrogant and materialistic, I tick at least two of those boxes, I won't contact him.' 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Right so youve got anxiety issues and get paranoid? yet you smoke weed? Something which is known to make them things worse! Theres you answer right there, quit doing that! I smoked weed and I didn't even smoke it a lot. One time I got a really bad panic attack, and it took me months to settle back down with my anxiety. Must have been an underlying issue brought out by the weed. Since I've stopped, I don't have any problems with anxiety except a normal amount of social anxiety - that doesn't debilitate me in any way socially. @OP Tinder is basically a hookup app - this lady sounded like a sure thing you should have gone for the kiss and she might have invited you in. You sound like you wouldn't go for this kind of thing which leads me to ask - why the heck are you on Tinder? smh
Emilia Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 How am I meant to work on these issues? I've been to counselling and group therapy nothing really seems to work. It just appears that everyone else can just get on with it and enjoy the early days. It's a nightmare for me, I hate it. Maybe I just haven't come across the right person yet? But to be honest I'm sick of looking. Have you tried CBT? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. 2
mightycpa Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 You know, I used to be really shy, and for years, I'd act as if I had to please other people and as if I was dependent upon their approval. I had this friend who picked me up to go somewhere one day, and we were talking about something that brought this out in me, and he asked me: What the **** is wrong with you anyway? Why do you act like that? Why do you even give a **** about what they might think? **** them. That may not sound like the friendliest conversation, but I couldn't answer the questions. In the next minute, I sat there thinking about it, and he was right. My mindset was pretty ****ed up. Right then and there is when I stopped that ****. Today, I determine whether people please me, not the other way around. I can respect them if that's not their #1 goal, and it is no longer my #1 goal either. I don't worry how other people will react to me, and what I find is that most react very positively. That is to say that I have a lot less to worry about, if I were so inclined to worry any more. There's something about confidence and boldness that most people find appealing. So, with all due respect and humility, I ask you: What the **** is wrong with you? Why are you like that? Why do you even give a ****? You should think seriously about the answer to these questions. I know that you can solve this anxiety thing with the right attitude and the proper perspective. One thing I realized that helped me is that most people DON'T think about me after I'm out of their field of vision. Whatever is bothering you, I can assure you it's all in your head. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Have you tried CBT? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. As far as getting my anxiety under control after it was set loose, my doctor put me on an SSRI (Citalopram) which I took for only a couple months, and I ceased weed + cigarette smoking. Anxiety free ever since. 3
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 You can't expect people to self-select. How many will go around and say 'this guy doesn't want aggressive, crazy, arrogant and materialistic, I tick at least two of those boxes, I won't contact him.' Yeah true, is a bit of a stupid thing to put on my profile I suppose
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I smoked weed and I didn't even smoke it a lot. One time I got a really bad panic attack, and it took me months to settle back down with my anxiety. Must have been an underlying issue brought out by the weed. Since I've stopped, I don't have any problems with anxiety except a normal amount of social anxiety - that doesn't debilitate me in any way socially. @OP Tinder is basically a hookup app - this lady sounded like a sure thing you should have gone for the kiss and she might have invited you in. You sound like you wouldn't go for this kind of thing which leads me to ask - why the heck are you on Tinder? smh Haha yeah I know, you're right. I don't know why the hell I went back on it. I knew what to expect but did it anyway. One things for sure, I won't be going back on there unless I need just a hook up
SycamoreCircle Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I think you're totally at fault here. The woman sounds fun, aggressive(foreign women often are), a bit old fashioned, and game. You sound uptight, paranoid, uncomfortable and hyper-critical. I think it's a good choice to lay off the dating a while. Let's try and figure out what's making you this way. I don't think either your parents or pot is causing this. Incidentally, I would also advise you to not go so all out with these dates. Bowling and dinner on a first date? Too much. How about coffee? I know that sounds boring, but when you don't know someone and you're trying to see if there's a spark, the less the better. Don't invest so much. That will lessen some of the anxiety. What was your last relationship like? 1
Emilia Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 You sound uptight, paranoid, uncomfortable and hyper-critical. Yeah, anxiety. That's what the thread is about 1
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 You know, I used to be really shy, and for years, I'd act as if I had to please other people and as if I was dependent upon their approval. I had this friend who picked me up to go somewhere one day, and we were talking about something that brought this out in me, and he asked me: That may not sound like the friendliest conversation, but I couldn't answer the questions. In the next minute, I sat there thinking about it, and he was right. My mindset was pretty ****ed up. Right then and there is when I stopped that ****. Today, I determine whether people please me, not the other way around. I can respect them if that's not their #1 goal, and it is no longer my #1 goal either. I don't worry how other people will react to me, and what I find is that most react very positively. That is to say that I have a lot less to worry about, if I were so inclined to worry any more. There's something about confidence and boldness that most people find appealing. So, with all due respect and humility, I ask you: You should think seriously about the answer to these questions. I know that you can solve this anxiety thing with the right attitude and the proper perspective. One thing I realized that helped me is that most people DON'T think about me after I'm out of their field of vision. Whatever is bothering you, I can assure you it's all in your head. That's the ****ed up thing, I know it's in my head. I did have that attitude but it still creeps back in. I hear what you're saying.
bohica Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 its really hard isn't it? I was told it would get better the more I date, hence the amount of dates I've been on. If I like them, I get anxious, if I don't like them, I get anxious. I'm fine on the actual dates and don't have a problem in that respect. The more time goes on, the more anxious I get. My past obviously has a lot to do with it. The funny thing is I put on my profile that I don't want to date anyone aggressive, crazy, arrogant or materialistic. She pulled this up and said that's why she spoke to me, even though she seemed to tick at least two of those boxes??! I really get the feeling she was looking for an ego boost and saw that part of my profile and assumed it was a weakness? Man. You have no idea what I'm going through. I know I bring most of it on myself. Just know your not alone. 1
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I think you're totally at fault here. The woman sounds fun, aggressive(foreign women often are), a bit old fashioned, and game. You sound uptight, paranoid, uncomfortable and hyper-critical. I think it's a good choice to lay off the dating a while. Let's try and figure out what's making you this way. I don't think either your parents or pot is causing this. Incidentally, I would also advise you to not go so all out with these dates. Bowling and dinner on a first date? Too much. How about coffee? I know that sounds boring, but when you don't know someone and you're trying to see if there's a spark, the less the better. Don't invest so much. That will lessen some of the anxiety. What was your last relationship like? Haha I'm not uptight at all mate. We had arranged to go bowling because I think it's a good ice breaker. She asked to extend the date to dinner, I agreed because we got on.
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Yeah, anxiety. That's what the thread is about People who don't suffer can never understand, just think mountains are being made out of molehills... There's obviously a reason behind this and it needs finding Thanks for your kind replies 3
Author Heisenberger Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 You haven't replied to my CBT question, OP. Cbt, mbt, I practice being mindful. As far as the drugs (anti ds) I won't take them, they make me worse and bring out ocd
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