ally2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Hi Everyone! I am a new single parent and to be honest I have been left in limbo. I have spoken to friends and family with complete honesty and they cant even offer me an answer as to why I am in this situation and what I should do next so I thought I would reach out on here and hope someone else has been through this. My ex and I have been together almost 4 years and have a planned 17 month old. We were living together when she was 1st born at my parents house which was very full on as we were in 1 room but we made it work. After approximately 1.5 years of living like this I asked him to move out as I discovered he was doing drugs and I didnt want any part of it around me or our child. So he moved back home and he worked hard to regain my trust and assured me the drugs had stopped. We were saving to buy a home rather then renting and were very close to our goal so decided it would be easier to continue living apart so we were on top of one another in 1 room which was my idea. So for a few months we made it work I would stay at his mums or he would stay here etc... In October 2014 I became annoyed as it seemed like I was the only one making the effort anymore for him to see either of us, which was frustrating and I felt like a single parent. We were still intimate, talking about the future, he was to put it simply LAZY! In November I had enough of it and told him, I was sick of fighting for the relationship on my own, a relationship between me and him and as a family, he couldnt even be bothered to really spend time with our child which was so upsetting! He would rather hang out with his brother, not his family. When I confronted him about these issues saying I wanted out, he broke down crying, begging me to stay, that he was depressed as he hated his job and living away from us, etc... that we were so close to moving out. So i agreed to give it a go if he put the effort in. During November things were good, he was speaking to mortage brokers, speaking to my family members about how much he loves us and HE was the one initiating these conversations even with me, about having another child etc.... Then the next week... he left us. For the reasoning "Im not happy" nothing more, nothing less. I was like what the.... anyways a week after that we were acting fine he would come to see our child, talk to me, invited me to his xmas party etc.... THEN I found a text in his phone to a girl and confronted him about it, he denied it instantly and became VERY angry as I wouldnt give his phone back until I got an answer. I shut the front door and he ended up smashing the glass holding our child, I took her and alerted the police as he put her in danger. An AVO was placed on him which is now awaiting a hearing end of Feb. He saw her on Xmas day as I offered it for 1 hour supervised as for 2 weeks i heard nothing from him. Xmas day went fine, then after that all contact was cut. Not 1 single call or sms from him to speak to me or enquire about his child. So then I reached out to him (stupid I know) asking if he wants to see her, asking if he even cares about her due to the no contact. Would get no response or something just blaming me for him not seeing her or making contact. Everything is somehow my fault despite I have done absolutely nothing wrong. He wont have a conversation with me about anything! Like he ended an engagement and walked out on his family, with no explanation and no conversation. He is clearly off with someone else enjoying the carefree, no responsibility lifestyle, not caring at all what he is doing to us. I have an exemption from child support due to the AVO so thats a bonus. I have been advised to basically wait for him to file for our child, that way i can keep her and basically have full custody until that point. I am just so frustrated as I know nothing, I just want answers so we can move forward... like will he wake up to himself and have the reality hit of what he has done... to me it seems like he wanted to leave have his fun then come back and commit...but then i found out so he kinda went stuff it... maybe drugs are involved... i just have no idea.... i love him, i know its ridiculous but we never really gave our family a real go and we were actually really really good together. I know all he has done is disgusting and unforgivable but i within myself dont feel its over... i cant explain it. i have a feeling he will attempt to come back, i just dont know! it is driving me insane thinking it over and over, like were there signs this was coming, no. Also his evil sister is in his ear and she doesnt like me mainly because i dont let her control me like she does everyone else. I just dont know what to do, has anyones partner done something similar.... i know i am being too nice offering and contacting him, just trying to show i want them to have some sort of relationship but he is the one making no contact then his sister is saying to me its because i am making it to hard!!! Delusional!! Any advice would be amazing as to what i should do regarding him and regarding our child and regarding my sanity!
PegNosePete Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 He is clearly off with someone else enjoying the carefree, no responsibility lifestyle, not caring at all what he is doing to us. He is doing nothing to you at all. I have been advised to basically wait for him to file for our child That sounds sensible. You can't force him to be a good father. If he wants no contact then let him have it. You need to stop taking responsibility for his lack of action. i love him, i know its ridiculous You are right, that is ridiculous. You need to keep this loser out of your life, for your daughter's sake. i know i am being too nice offering and contacting him, just trying to show i want them to have some sort of relationship but he is the one making no contact then his sister is saying to me its because i am making it to hard!!! Yes you are being much too nice. This douchebag will be a bad influence on your daughter's life. Why on earth are you talking to his sister? Just tell her to mind her own business and hang up on her or slam the door in her face. 1
Author ally2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 His sister was contacting me blaming me for everything and everything she said was completely untrue. I just want to know what the hell is going on with him, this is the person i loved or the father of my child. he has completely changed and seems to not care about anyone or anything but himself. I have cut all contact for a month now... do i just have to wait it out until he hits rock bottom or reality sets in... i am focusing on myself and my child but it is very hard to move forward with no closure and everything so up in the air
PegNosePete Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 He has given you all the closure you need. He has shown you exactly what he thinks. He has shown you that he is a total loser who is not interested in being a part of his daughter's life. You need to listen to what he's telling you - with his actions, not his words - and accept that. You need to build a life for yourself and your daughter without this jerk. And stop talking to his sister. Just hang up on her. She is not a positive influence in your daughter's life. 2
mightycpa Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Well, for future reference, I'd suggest you make better plans. Like maybe marriage, house then baby, in that order. I'm just mentioning this in case you try it again later in your life, because you didn't mention anything about that. Now, that said, you would not have planned for drugs and laziness, although these things may have come to light anyway. When you have a child, as you know, your life changes. You have to stop doing a lot of things you like to do, and you step up and do what you need to do for this new helpless person you're responsible for. The way you paint the picture, it wasn't enough to get him to do what he needed to do. You are in love with a man-child who is not ready to be who he needs to be. You're hoping for something that doesn't exist right now. I hope you know his drug buddies, because you can call them as witnesses at your hearing. You need to stop worrying about being the jilted lover, and start worrying about what is best for you and that child. It doesn't sound like he's in that picture to me. Not yet.
Author ally2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Thank you so much for your replies, it means so much to me! I am just over my situation and he cant even have a conversation with me. He just thinks ignoring me will fix the situation? This isnt the person I know at all! He wasnt perfect and our situation wasnt perfect but he did love us and i feel that there is something VERY wrong as he doesnt even care about his child... My theory is he is caught up in the affair with this younger girl (20years old) he is 26 and has noone to answer to, possibly she is doing drugs as well. His appearance is just AWFUL now, has dropped a lot of weight, this would be the drugs. I just feel he is in the 'honeymoon phase' thinking the grass is greener and doing whatever he wants. I feel that he doesnt even realise what he is doing or has done to us. Ive spoken to the police, lawyers and councillors and they all say similar and they dont even know him. Saying that it sounds like drugs, depression, mental health and this 'distraction' girl are all in play and he just doesnt care about anything. They all said to just let him go and basically disappear (make no contact at all and avoid running into him) They say he will eventually self destruct and when he does he has 2 choices.... take this as a life changing moment to stop the drugs once and for all, deal with the issues he has with himself and become the partner and father he can be OR he will continue down the path he is on now and end up dead or losing absolutely everything. I have been advised he will most likely be knocking on my door when the weight of what he has done hit so i need to prepare myself for that. To be honest I want him to come back, because I do love him and see the person he can be But also so he knows how much he has hurt us and i can see if he is genuine. What i am struggling to deal with is...if he was so unhappy or seeing someone else...why not leave when i gave him the opportunity. i tried to leave him and he fell apart...so why wouldnt he have just taken the guilt free way out 3 weeks before he left us? Makes no sense! I have been focusing on myself and my child but it is hard to not think of him or worry (i am really worried about his state of mind and wellbeing) It is very frustrating also that he wont even speak to me about anything literally it was hey im leaving...end of conversation. Ive said to him can we have an actual conversation I think I deserve that much so we can end this properly...he refuses..Also asked him to cancel what he had booked for our wedding which he agreed to do...but now refuses to do so... its so confusing and irritating! Like if you are committed to ending this then why wont you end it? Have the conversation... cancel the wedding...? I guess I just have to disappear for now and hope that he comes to his sense and starts to sort his life out. i am glad our child is young and wont remember this time in her life...but i do and my heartbreaks for her. The people that i mentioned earlier also said you know it has nothing to do with you or your daughter, the issues are all with him and until he is willing to realise that there is no point in doing anything!
Hija77 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I don't know him, so I can't say for sure, but I have a LOT of experience with substance abuse, so if your ex is an addict---get as far away as you can, as fast as you can. You may have narrowly escaped what could have been years of chaos and emotional destruction. I haven't even started on what it would do to your kid. It's so much worse. If I were you, I would really consider whether he has a legitimate problem. If he does, and you get back together, join a support group. You're gonna need it. Fortunately, you also have the option of releasing yourself from someone who truly, truly cannot put you or your child first. Be careful what you wish for!!! Good luck! 1
Author ally2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 This will most likely earn me some abuse but i am a good person.... his birthday is in a few weeks... I have a gift that i had purchased him from me for xmas which i never gave him. i was thinking of sending the gift to him via post from our child on his birthday.. i have made no contact in a month and will continue with no contact... i just i guess want to remind him that we are here like we exsist and care... but not be obvious about it.... I dont know whether to send it and hopefully it will remind him of us OR should I just completely ignore his birthday and hope that hits him hard... i dont know what to do, how to play this... i am a good person and dont know what i am meant to do.. should i send the gift from our child or just continue with the no contact... which will be more effective
PegNosePete Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) Look Ally, I am sorry about this but I think you need a verbal slap around the face. You need to stop this right now. He is a complete douchebag. He is a drug addict. You need to STOP ALL CONTACT with him for the sake of your daughter. Do you really want her to grow up with him as a role model? Do you think he will be a good influence in her life growing up? You need to GET OUT OF LOVE with him ASAP. I mean it. Your daughter's life depends on it. Maybe I sound over-dramatic but he is a danger to her life, and you are not only allowing that, or even inviting it, you are BEGGING for him to be a danger to her. What is wrong with you? Why are you trying to harm your daughter by forcing this a-hole to be a part of her life? Just look at what you've written. If someone else were in this situation, what would you advise? You are not thinking straight. You need to follow all the advice that you are being given, on here and in real life by the police, lawyers and councillors. Do you think they are all wrong, and you are right? You are right but the WHOLE WORLD is wrong? Really that is what you think? Get this idiot out of your life FOR GOOD. If he comes knocking then slam the door in his face. If he or his no-good sister calls then hang up. You need to think of your daughter's well-being here. That is what is important. She is innocent, she didn't ask for a druggie criminal dad and as her mother, you need to protect her from him. This is not about you or what you want any more, it is about her and her well-being. You need to look after her and protect her from harm. Do not send him any gifts and DO NOT CONTACT HIM EVER AGAIN. Edited February 13, 2015 by PegNosePete
Author ally2015 Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 He is a complete douchebag. He is a drug addict. You need to STOP ALL CONTACT with him for the sake of your daughter. Do you really want her to grow up with him as a role model? Do you think he will be a good influence in her life growing up? I understand what you are saying but people have the ability to change... he hasnt always been like this, he was a good dad to her, I do want him in her life when he is stable and the dad i know he can be. Yes he has stuffed up majorly but its not so black and white when you have a family. I would obviously not let her be with him without me there, would have him take voluntery drug tests to prove he is clean and make him deal with his issues. I cant just simply cut him out of her life doesnt work like that...he has rights. You need to GET OUT OF LOVE with him ASAP. Why are you trying to harm your daughter by forcing this a-hole to be a part of her life? Just look at what you've written. If someone else were in this situation, what would you advise? How do you fall out of love with someone... seriously its not that simple! I am not harming my daughter and i am not forcing her dad to be in her life. Its complicated... i know the person he was and can be and this is not him... he was a good dad to her and loved us both... and i want her to have that relationship with him... its hard! If a friend was in my situation id have your views as well most likely BUT when you are in it yourself its hard as i said its not just black and white. And considering i am going through it if i was offering advice it wouldnt be so blunt as there are many factors to consider. I will not let him near our child until i know the drugs have stopped and until i know he is in a stable headspace. He isnt asking to see her which just shows the headspace he is in, doesnt care about anyone but himself, which is heartbreaking. You are not thinking straight. You need to follow all the advice that you are being given, on here and in real life by the police, lawyers and councillors. Do you think they are all wrong, and you are right? You are right but the WHOLE WORLD is wrong? Really that is what you think? No. I am taking the advice and i have let him go... he is on a path of self destruction and i have no contact at all. I know he needs to hit bottom if there is any chance of him changing his life. I know this, it is hard because i do love him and want to help him and remind him of what he is giving up. But i know it is pointless at this stage as he is self consumed. Get this idiot out of your life FOR GOOD. DO NOT CONTACT HIM EVER AGAIN. this wont work as we have a child. He will in some way or another be in my life for the rest of my life. He needs to work himself out and deal with all his issues before id even consider letting him be around myself or our child. I do get where you are coming from... but its not black and white and not that simple.
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