daterhater Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 I've been friends with Rob for three years now. We first started talking online because I needed him to book a show for me. We clicked instantly and pretty soon were talking daily. Rob has only had one girlfriend... the girl he is dating now. 6 long years. He's inexperienced and stuck in this rut with a possessive girl he rarely sees. He jokingly calls her his "ball and chains." I assumed he loved her and didn't want to get in the way of that even though I had wanted to be more than just a friend. I respected his relationship with his girlfriend and kept everything casual like two dudes talking. The only time Rob and I have a chance to see eachother is at shows because I don't think it's a good idea to hang out with him outside a show atmosphe due to him having a girlfriend and all. When we are together, there is undeniable chemistry on both parts. All our friends notice it and make fun of us for it. I've been told by my close friend that I "come alive" when I'm with him. He makes me so incredibly happy when I'm around him. I want to respect his girlfriend, but I can't help wanting to be with him every moment when we cross paths. Last night we both ended up going to this show. We hung out together the entire night. He bought me drinks. I bought him drinks. He grabbed my ass. His friend was suspiciously watching us the entire night to see what Rob would do. While me, him, and two of his friends were eating, he'd rub my thigh under the table or play footsie or grab my ass when they weren't looking. We talked online today and I apologized for uh... not being able to tone down my flirting with him. He said, "did you see how Joe was watching us the entire night? what a downer. he kept giving me the eye." Anyway, for the first time ever, Rob has set up a LUNCH "meeting." We're going to meet for lunch over his lunch break. We've never ever hung out alone at a place that's not a concert or after hour Village Inn meeting with a bunch of friends. My question is should I cancel this lunch meeting? I don't know if I should cut him off as a friend or what. He'd never cheat on his girlfriend. we've had more than one occassion where we could have kissed. well, i guess i need advice.
moimeme Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Drop the friendship. Eventually, he will cheat and you'll be stuck in the endless OW mess of waiting for an indecisive man to get off the fence. Tell him it's been nice and goodbye.
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Don't see him face to face or talk to him too much until he's decided to end the relationship with his girlfriend. If he's curious to explore other women after 6 years of being with this girl - Then he should break up with her. Flirting and doing what he is doing with you isn't fair to his girlfriend - OR you. You deserve some guy who is just going to be into YOU and not have to share him with somebody else. I'm not saying don't be friends with him, just don't cross that line with him until he's SINGLE, ready and able. Put yourself in his girlfriends' shoes...I bet you wouldn't be too pleased if you were her?
Author daterhater Posted April 4, 2005 Author Posted April 4, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Don't see him face to face or talk to him too much until he's decided to end the relationship with his girlfriend. If he's curious to explore other women after 6 years of being with this girl - Then he should break up with her. Flirting and doing what he is doing with you isn't fair to his girlfriend - OR you. You deserve some guy who is just going to be into YOU and not have to share him with somebody else. I'm not saying don't be friends with him, just don't cross that line with him until he's SINGLE, ready and able. Put yourself in his girlfriends' shoes...I bet you wouldn't be too pleased if you were her? i would definitely not be too pleased. the things he's doing with me (which is not much) i would never to do a guy i was in a relatoinship with and i would be pissed if a guy i was dating did that to me. i consider it cheating. he's flirting and leading me on...whether he intends to actually make out with me or not. i still feel like it's emotional cheating. i try to resist... but it's pretty damn hard. especially when he tells me he hasn't had sex with his girlfriend in three months and only sees her once a week. it doesn't even seem like they have a relationship really. i don't want to put all the blame on him either. i'm no innocent party.
RecordProducer Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 He grabs your ass?!?!? That shows how much he respects your ass. More than you. Do I sound like a grandma at 30? Would you girls let your taken guy friends grab your ass or tits even if you were hot for them?
Author daterhater Posted April 4, 2005 Author Posted April 4, 2005 hhaha, honestly if it were done by any other person in any other manner, i'd probably slap them. the way he does it is so cute and funny. he'll gently pinch my ass while turned the other way and turn back and jokingly overreact and say, "i'm so sorry! oh god! i can't keep my hands off you!"
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Its unfortunate that you can't find a way to talk to his girlfriend. I expect her story is completely different than the one this guy is telling you. If he wanted to be with you, and only you he'd make that happen. Right now he's thinking he doesn't have to get rid of his girlfriend (whom he still has affection for on some level, or he wouldn't be with her - I seriously doubt its as bad as he is leading you to believe - a lot of men lie like that about their SO's to make the potential OW feel sorry for them and make it more likely that they will put out), because he's got the impression that eventually he will be able to wear you down - he keeps flirting, and you keep letting him. To him, its only a matter of time. Otherwise, he wouldn't waste his time making sexual advances if he didn't think he was getting something from it. If you want to see how much he wants to be with you, then tell him that he is welcome to call you when he has broken up with his girlfriend and that you are anxiously awaiting his call. Until then, however he is not to contact you or see you in any way, shape or form. Then cut him off cold. If that doesn't work for you and you don't want to go 'no contact' then tell him you need to talk to him, and let him know that you don't want to be his OW and that you will need to drop things to a strictly platonic level. Then every time he tries to talk about something or do something that is even hinting at something not platonic, change the subject or make an excuse to leave. If he touches you, tell him that if he continues to do that you will not speak to him anymore. He is either your "friend" or he is your "boyfriend". No middle ground. No fence sitting. He is to get NO benefits from you, not even flirting. If he wants that, he has to dump his girlfriend. Period. I guess it depends on how willing you are to risk losing your OW status to get what you want as the GF status.
Cecelius Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Originally posted by daterhater ... He'd never cheat on his girlfriend.... Originally posted by daterhater ... He grabbed my ass. His friend was suspiciously watching us the entire night to see what Rob would do. While me, him, and two of his friends were eating, he'd rub my thigh under the table or play footsie or grab my ass when they weren't looking. We talked online today and I apologized for uh... not being able to tone down my flirting with him. ... I think he already did...
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 i try to resist... but it's pretty damn hard. Oh, puh-leeez! You know darn well you have more self control than this. If you don't, than you've got even bigger issues that need to be addressed. "I can't resist"…"his girlfriend's a ball-n-chain"…"They haven't had sex"…"My friends notice our chemistry"--- are all just excuses you've been feeding yourself to justify doing something that you claim goes against your nature. Cop outs. Plain and simple. If you're truly interested in this low-life (resisting the urge to barf ) than the BEST thing you can do right now is "resist" and back away. Play a little hard to get, for Pete's sake! It's the 'challenge' this guy's interested in, not you, or he would have left the girlfriend already. So BE a challenge if you want to keep him interested enough to actually consider leaving his 'safe' relationship to pursue something more with you. If you're too easy, and give up the booty fast and free, than I can guarantee you'll lose any chance you have left to be anything more to this guy than a passing fling. He'll either get bored with you quicker than his current gal, or continue using you ONLY as an adrenaline fix while he remains in his 'safe' (however boring) relationship with his committed partner. As a matter of fact, by giving in, you'll make it even easier for him not to make a decision one way or the other. Remember---most people want what they can't have. If you're actually worth the time and effort to him, he'll continue to pursue even harder once you start backing away. Then you tell him: "Not as long as you're already in a relationship." Force him to make a choice. Not only will you intrigue him more, but you'll also give him something to consider and perhaps gain a little self respect for yourself, as well as some respect from him (if this ayas-grabbin' cad is even capable of functioning beyond the level of a primate).
alphamale Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 DATEHATER, you are probably much more interested in this dude cause he is already taken. Had he been single and unattached you probably would not give him a second look. WOmen are very funny like that, they seem to show more interest in dudes that are not available. When I am dating a woman I get much more interest from other females than when I am by myself.
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 he'll gently pinch my ass while turned the other way and turn back and jokingly overreact and say, "i'm so sorry! oh god! i can't keep my hands off you!" That is when you tell him, "Your hands can be on my ass all ya want when you're free and single! Until then, No Touch-O." Then see how he reacts. I know it's flattering to you, and I'm sure it feels good getting attention from him...But it still isn't right. He is taken and it's just plain wrong now. You know it and now you have to be strong and say NO. You have the power too, it's not just his decision, you DO have a say on how he treats you, don't forget that...
BrotherAaron Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 He sounds Naive too me. He's been with this girl for a long time... but has never been with another girl. It sounds like he never got out there and dated around, and had a chance to get that attention. He doesn't sound like a "player" to me, I'd doubt that he has other girls he's flirting with. He sounds timid, actually. Still, it's alarming that he'd flirt with you even to the point of being embarrassed that his friends are watching. He's clearly having a hard time deciding what he considers crossing the line. His relationship may not be as bad as he claims, but it doesn't sound like he's happy with it either. He is looking for attention elsewhere afterall. Best move, like the rest said, is tell him that you can't talk to him because he's taken. He probably won't leave his girlfriend, to be honest. If he's unhappy already, and after six years hasn't left her, then he's more likely to get dumped than to dump her. All you need to know is that he's taken, so keep your distance.
Author daterhater Posted April 5, 2005 Author Posted April 5, 2005 Honestly I don't know if I am ready to commit to him myself. I am at the time being, but I can't guarantee it would last. I don't know if we were to date, we'd have the same connection we do now. Would I want out? I don't know. Let's say he broke up with his 6 year girlfriend for me. If we only lasted a month, that would be no good. I think the only way it would make it worth him leaving her is if me and him were really meant to be. Also, he doesn't flirt with other girls. He's not a cheater. He's pretty naive. We hit it off and after three years, it has sorta become this jokey flirty friendly thing. As for his relationship with his girlfriend, a lot of you made it sound like he's just lying to me to get some ass. I am really good friends with his best male friend who tells me him and his girlfriend are NOT happy together. Their relationship doesn't seem very healthy to me. Yeah, so I could resist him if I wanted to, but I don't. I want to kiss him. I want to date him. Do I want to say, "me or her"? No. I can't make him break up with her for me nor can I tell him that. And I'm not going to sleep with him unless he did break up with her. I do, however, have no problem kissing him while he has a girlfriend. You all probably think this is ****ty, but I think it would a. scare him into never flirting with another girl again. b. help me to realize i don't need him. c. get our 3 year long sexual tension out of the way.
opaleye Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 What do you mean it would teach him not to flirt with girls again? He would get to make out with you and it's not like you would tell his girlfriend so really it would teach him to go for it! Cheat on your girlfriend! See what fun it is? Ass grabbing and smoochies!
Author daterhater Posted April 5, 2005 Author Posted April 5, 2005 no, see... oddly enough, a month ago i met a guy i thought was single. we hit it off one night and he kissed me goodnight. turns out he had a 6 year relationship that was on the rocks and kissing me made him realize that he didn'tw want other girls. he wanted his girl. i helped patch that relationship up.
Devildog Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Okay, so let's look at this situation. We have a guy here who is in a relationship, good bad or whatever is irrelevant. He is in a relationship. A new, shiney bauble caught his eye (that's you daterhater). And the possibility exists that he might terminate a 6 year relationship to get with you. Say he does ditch his GF for you. Enjoy the relationship until a new shiey bauble comes along and he tosses you aside for her and her ass to grab. Also, please explain to me how kissing a guy who has a GF isn't cheating? Where do you put the line for cheating? Say you are kissing and he cops a feel? Does that cross the line? Or does only genital to genital penetration count as cheating in your world?
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Yeah, so I could resist him if I wanted to, but I don't. I want to kiss him. I want to date him. Do I want to say, "me or her"? No. I can't make him break up with her for me nor can I tell him that. And I'm not going to sleep with him unless he did break up with her. I do, however, have no problem kissing him while he has a girlfriend. You all probably think this is ****ty, but I think it would a. scare him into never flirting with another girl again. b. help me to realize i don't need him. c. get our 3 year long sexual tension out of the way. turns out he had a 6 year relationship that was on the rocks and kissing me made him realize that he didn'tw want other girls. he wanted his girl. i helped patch that relationship up. Sweetie, if your smooching techniques are so bad that you actually "scare" guys back to their girlfriends then you need some more practice! Hopefully you'll find some single guys to teach you. Sorry to tease at you're expense, but after reading all manner of fuzzy, convoluted logic on this forum from poor mixed-up souls trying to justify their irrational behavior, I couldn't help but notice the humor in your originality! But all joking aside, please don't kid yourself into thinking you'll be doing anyone's relationship a 'favor' by messing around with an unavailable guy. You won't be gaining anything for yourself…including the right to bellyache or complain if you end up being the one getting used up and tossed aside in the end. While all may be fair in love and war, if you're gonna play dirty, than at least be adult enough to OWN your choices and accept accountability for them. Honestly. And at the end of the day, try to muster up enough integrity to accept the consequences of your actions without hiding behind all the phony excuses and silly justifications. They're transparent. But funny!!!
Vicereine Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 Just wanted to say some of the advice given here is very good and has helped me out as well. I know what you are going through daterhater, a guy I am (was?) interested in also has a gf. I on the other hand did not know at first, actually he had mentioned it a couple times but in ways that I thought he was kidding! (make me jealous?..I don't know..) Anyway I have stuck to my guns that I would not persue anything of that sort until he is single. Recently I have become much closer with another guy who seems much better for me and who is single, problem is he does not live near me (approx 5hrs or so away), and will not be around for a couple of months. I find myself wondering what to do. Anyways not to get into too much detail as this is your thread lol... someone had mentioned that he is behaving this way with you while he has a gf, what if he did the same thing with someone else while being with you? That is something I had thought myself. Not to say he would but its something to think about none the less. If he is so unhappy he needs to leave her.. afraid of leaving a 'safe' relationship is something I wondered about my friend as well. Maybe he just wants to 'test the water' before jumping in, to be honest if I was with someone so long who's to say I wouldn't be a little afraid of leaving for someone else that I have no idea will work or not? Please let us (me) know what you decide and how it goes
Author daterhater Posted April 7, 2005 Author Posted April 7, 2005 so we had a serious talk. he told me he thinks he's dating his girlfriend to because he's dating her and not because he wants to date her. he also told me when he was going out to eat with his dad and the girl, he wished he had enough balls to say, "dad, she makes me more happy than lisa ever has" so, while it was flattering to know i make him happy and am not just some piece of ass, i think i'm going to steer clear of him. i'll be his friend always and forever, but i'm not going to pursue anything with him or hit on him or allow him to hit on me. lots of fish in the sea. if we're meant to be, we'll be later on in life.
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