PogoStick Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 It's fine you feel that way about money. So is it OK when the next guy drops you when your butt gets big?
zebracolors Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 For sure I would prefer to date a man who has positive goals. Its one of the things that make me really admire my boyfriend. For as long as I've known him, even when we were just friends, he was always sharing with me his aspirations and goals he wanted to do in his life. And it's really inspired my own life goals. And to date, he's started and is doing everything he's set out to do. Including enlisting in the Army. He's also careful to keep his goals realistic based on the situation. And I'd rather a guy want to be prepared for the future, and that we support each others life goals.
Author freebird31 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 I'm all for people that have goals, and highly prefer that, but someone that just got out of active Marine duty doesn't sound like someone to be judged poorly for working an airport job. Have you even discussed goals with him on those dates? Maybe he needs some decompression time before he gets things in order. I'd give him more of a chance if this is the only thing that's bothering you. Let me rephrase. He did not just finish serving active duty, he finished his overall service in the army. But for the last year (maybe even longer, i never asked him) he was in the army reserves, and has been working this airport job for quite some time while on reserves (from what i understand). Currently, he lives with his grandparents. Anyway, yes we have discussed it briefly.He told me he doesnt know what he wants to do with his future pretty much, but considered going to technical school. That was in the beginning. Later, the subject came up again. And he told me he is not worried about "the business end" of his life. This really stressed me out when he said this.
mightycpa Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Listen, I agree with you. It's way too big and too interesting of a world not to want to strive for something. The trouble with being complacent is that by the time you hit your mid-30's or maybe 40, you've learned all there is to know about what you're doing. But to have a plan, and to want to hit some milestones along the way? Nice. Not everybody has that, and that's fine for them, but rarely will those two types of people mesh well in the long run. Their philosophies are at odds with each other. You don't have to worry if it sounds bad to someone either. You're the one who has to live with your decisions.
johan Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Having goals or ambition in life isn't a moral choice. It's just a lifestyle choice. You have to be compatible in that way. It's not right or wrong. It is just a fact of life. Another fact of life is that what you think is important will change over time. What you are looking for in a guy today may not be what you look for in the future. 1
Author freebird31 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Having goals or ambition in life isn't a moral choice. It's just a lifestyle choice. You have to be compatible in that way. It's not right or wrong. It is just a fact of life. Another fact of life is that what you think is important will change over time. What you are looking for in a guy today may not be what you look for in the future. Yes. i agree. The poster right above just mentioned how at 30,40 years old perhaps i will have exhausted all my ambitions. Having a partner at 30 or 40 who has ambitions or is passionate about something may not be as important as it is right now to me.
mightycpa Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Yes. i agree. The poster right above just mentioned how at 30,40 years old perhaps i will have exhausted all my ambitions. Having a partner at 30 or 40 who has ambitions or is passionate about something may not be as important as it is right now to me. Actually, you misunderstood... or maybe I didn't say it well. What I meant was that those without ambition to do something will reach the pinnacle way too early in their lives, because the bar is set too low. Your goals will evolve and multiply as you reach the ones you've already set. Quite the opposite of what you thought I meant. 1
A O Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 You don't need goals, that's just modern day fuzzy speak. One should have interests though - passions even.
Author freebird31 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Actually, you misunderstood... or maybe I didn't say it well. What I meant was that those without ambition to do something will reach the pinnacle way too early in their lives, because the bar is set too low. Your goals will evolve and multiply as you reach the ones you've already set. Quite the opposite of what you thought I meant. Excuse my lack of understanding. Hm, well this made me really think now. Thanks for the interesting perspective and insight.
SycamoreCircle Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 As a goal-less man, I have strong opinions about this... Look over this list of films: Foxcatcher Nightcrawler Whiplash The Imitation Game Gone Girl A Most Violent Year American Sniper All recent films and all of them have as the central figure a sociopath of some make or model. All are hellbent on SUCCESS in some shape or form. If we can agree that art reflects reality, what does this "trend" in art say about our reality? I lost my job late last year. They told me, "you're not hungry enough." I thought I was very committed to the company. Two months later the entire operation, 10+ years old, folded due to internal corruption. The same guy that told me I wasn't hungry was being pointed out for writing bad checks and other unscrupulous business practices. Since that time, I've been freelancing and working for a wide range of employers. What do I see? Angry, stressed, abusive people who hate what they're doing but believe one day they'll be in a different place making more money and happier. It's really sad. All you have is now. People who can recognize that and appreciate that are gifts and teachers to the rest of us. 1
guest569 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) Think of it as you eliminated a man who didn't deserve you. It's not shallow to drop him for those reasons, because ultimately that would have happened. Uhh, no. She dumped a guy due to the fact he was content in his JOB. My 2 cents, i dont give a crap what he does as long as he is happy and earns a living. I've been there done that (medicine) its nothing special. Serving his country, thats pretty admirable. A guy that is content in his job is more than I could ask for. Edited February 13, 2015 by smiley1 1
Author freebird31 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 Uhh, no. She dumped a guy due to the fact he was content in his JOB. My 2 cents, i dont give a crap what he does as long as he is happy and earns a living. I've been there done that (medicine) its nothing special. Serving his country, thats pretty admirable. A guy that is content in his job is more than I could ask for. I agree. Serving his country is admirable and more than a lot of us have done. I disagree with you that medicine is nothing special as that is also something very important.
guest569 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Of course it is important to our society but it doesn't make someone important or more worthy or deserving than others. No one is better or worse than anyone else, thats how i was brought up.
guest569 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Are you studying medicine yet? You know its a long road, so i dont think you have to worry about being a breadwinner for a couple of decades, haha 1
DC77 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 He probably will have goals some day. Right now he's probably enjoying not having any real obligations or set goals after living a life where he's been told how to live and what his goals were. He'll need to find his own identity... Having said that it's important to have similar values in a relationship. You said it just kind of faded from both sides so why dwell on it? Finding someone that's like minded will make you happier and a healthier relationship.
mightycpa Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Of course it is important to our society but it doesn't make someone important or more worthy or deserving than others. No one is better or worse than anyone else, thats how i was brought up. I'm going to go out on a limb and opine that you're not making a distinction between goals and ambition for success. Her goals could be very wide-ranging, and many might have nothing to do with a career: In the next 10 years: must haves -- get my Medical training -- learn to play piano -- buy a house -- read 6 bestsellers a year stretch goals -- drive across country -- live in NYC for at least a year -- visit 10 European capitals -- ski the Alps these goals, by definition, all work with each other, and when planned, will require smaller goals over the course of those 10 years, including saving money, earning good money, setting aside time for piano lessons, etc. Her days will have direction, focused on larger purposes, if she's truly committed to the goals. Now contrast that with Mr. No Goals' future plans: Be content Live one day at a time These are the outlines of two different lives. Not that one is more worthy than the other, but they are headed in different directions and at different speeds. One has a vision; the other is focused on the short term. She's simply being realistic about it. Mr. No Goals might very well be an anchor, rather than a partner. She might make Mr. No Goals' life of daily contentment miserable. You seem to be taking offense because she's looking into the future, and recognizing that his puzzle pieces don't look like they fit well with hers. You're not looking that far ahead. You think she should be happy with what feels good today, and not worry so much about tomorrow. I think that is exactly her point. You're not looking ahead. She is. It is fundamentally incompatible. Now if you want to talk about value judgments, talk to these same two people in 10 years, and see what's changed. Talk to them at 60 and see who has had a more interesting life. People without goals don't tend to achieve them. That's why goals were invented... for people like her.
stillafool Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 OP, I really am curious why you aren't dating men who are more ambitious especially after your first relationship. It would seem that a man's ambition would be one of the most important traits you would seek when selecting a furture bf. I think it's interesting that you ended up with another man who has no ambition. How did that happen?
okc85 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Ugh, power couples are highly overrated. But you're 23, and you still have it drilled in your head that we humans are defined by our jobs. 1
okc85 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 As a goal-less man, I have strong opinions about this... Look over this list of films: Foxcatcher Nightcrawler Whiplash The Imitation Game Gone Girl A Most Violent Year American Sniper All recent films and all of them have as the central figure a sociopath of some make or model. All are hellbent on SUCCESS in some shape or form. If we can agree that art reflects reality, what does this "trend" in art say about our reality? I lost my job late last year. They told me, "you're not hungry enough." I thought I was very committed to the company. Two months later the entire operation, 10+ years old, folded due to internal corruption. The same guy that told me I wasn't hungry was being pointed out for writing bad checks and other unscrupulous business practices. Since that time, I've been freelancing and working for a wide range of employers. What do I see? Angry, stressed, abusive people who hate what they're doing but believe one day they'll be in a different place making more money and happier. It's really sad. All you have is now. People who can recognize that and appreciate that are gifts and teachers to the rest of us. Last year, I was dumped by someone because I'm not 'driven enough, no direction in life.' It shook me up for months. I'm not sure I'm over it yet, honestly. I had quit my 9-5 to pursue school and freelancer for a year. I KNEW I would get judged for that, and maybe I should've taken myself out of the dating pool for a bit since Americans are quite judgy, but too late. But usually, these people are projecting their insecurities. They want to make sure we're all as stressed out and unhappy as they are. That they are working 80 hour work weeks, and it's What You Do, and anyone who isn't doing that is just lazy and not 'driven.' I mean, heaven forbid I work a 40 hour work week and allow myself to have interests and passions outside of my job. That's just not the American way, damnit. 1
johan Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 But usually, these people are projecting their insecurities. They want to make sure we're all as stressed out and unhappy as they are. That they are working 80 hour work weeks, and it's What You Do, and anyone who isn't doing that is just lazy and not 'driven.' I mean, heaven forbid I work a 40 hour work week and allow myself to have interests and passions outside of my job. That's just not the American way, damnit. I'd say you're doing a bit of projecting yourself. Who says it's about being stressed out and unhappy? And I'm not sure "goals" always equates to the "climbing the corporate ladder" stereotype. Some people just like to have a direction and something to strive for. And it's the direction and striving that can add stress and unhappiness as much as it can make someone feel more comfortable and happy in life. It's a lifestyle choice, and it's just a matter of how you are wired. Whoever rejected you might just have been a bitch. They are everywhere and take many shapes. On the other hand, maybe the woman who rejected you is a nice person who just wants something else in life. Why hate her and everyone like her for not digging you? Another fact of life is that you won't be universally loved and cherished by all women. If you take that hard, you're limiting yourself. The blame for that doesn't go to them, it's on you. Maybe it's easier said than done, but being rejected by someone doesn't have to be taken as a judgment. Incompatibilities are a fact of life. There are women who are ok with Mr. 40-hours-week. Those who aren't just can't matter to you. It's who you are. It's who they are. It's not wrong.
SycamoreCircle Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) Last year, I was dumped by someone because I'm not 'driven enough, no direction in life.' It shook me up for months. I'm not sure I'm over it yet, honestly. I had quit my 9-5 to pursue school and freelancer for a year. I KNEW I would get judged for that, and maybe I should've taken myself out of the dating pool for a bit since Americans are quite judgy, but too late. But usually, these people are projecting their insecurities. They want to make sure we're all as stressed out and unhappy as they are. That they are working 80 hour work weeks, and it's What You Do, and anyone who isn't doing that is just lazy and not 'driven.' I mean, heaven forbid I work a 40 hour work week and allow myself to have interests and passions outside of my job. That's just not the American way, damnit. I get you OK. I totally agree. Americans are brainwashed into thinking they've got to be driving a metal spike into a railroad track Ol' John Henry all the livelong. I mean, do we ever stop to wonder why weekends are two days long? Why vacations are two weeks? As a person living in NYC, I see all sorts of oddities---machines who, in bursts, churn out manic activity. Doesn't matter what you're doing, just be doing something. Years ago I lived with an older woman who filled her calendar with every conceivable designation and appointment. If she ever stopped for a minute to smell the roses, she'd be absolutely terrified. "My life is empty. My life is empty." I go out in public now and can't find a gawdamn soul who's not peering into an iPhone. Edited February 13, 2015 by SycamoreCircle
No Limit Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Comfort is the enemy of achievement. I wouldn't spend too much time with people without goals and perspectives for long.
A O Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I go out in public now and can't find a gawdamn soul who's not peering into an iPhone. Ha ha...too true. It is sad, really sad, that constant peering into a little device is more satisfying to many people than the many environments and real people (albeit, many just clones of themselves) that they encounter along the way. Reckon we might be heading towards a virtual world, where people are connected to each other via electronics of some sort - 24/7. This will be sheer bliss to many, especially all those who find it irritating to have to look away from their screen to navigate where they are going. Imagine that, never disconnecting or leaving the electronic imagery, paradise for many I'm sure. Comfort is the enemy of achievement. I wouldn't spend too much time with people without goals and perspectives for long. Interesting. I like my relationship(s) to be comfortable and I like my life to be the same way. Reaching a level of comfort with the world, with others and with oneself, is quite an achievement in of itself.
lil_missy Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Hi op, I just want to add to the people that say he has done his service to the country and now wants a stress free life, it's not about what he has done its bout where he is going. Op wasn't with him when he was in the army, but now if she is with him all she is going to see is his lack of goals at least for a while. I can see from his pov why his just content now but I also agree you are probably not compatible. I'm also in a similar situation and I can relate. The guy I'm dating initially I was really attracted to him coz I saw a fire in him. But after while I realised he is not very ambitious works a dead end job but is content and loves life. I fear I will respect him less for that. I intend to discuss my concerns with him then make a decision.
Author freebird31 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 I did not realize how controversial of a topic this would be. But I want to say that there was no time that I said that it was wrong for him to not have goals or that it was right that I have them. I agree with another poster who pointed out that there is no right or wrong way. Either you have goals or you do not. And I definitely think that two people who think differently about having goals will not be compatible as they (another poster said) have different philosophies. I am 23 and currently yes I have tons of goals for my future. One would be to own a house one day. thats the type of person I was brought up as, and is just who I am. I am extremely ambitious and get a high out of self accomplishment. That is my own personal contentment. I understand other people have different views and perspectives of what self-contentment means to them. All in all, there is no right way. There is just a self-preference and I guess it is imperative to meet someone who shares similar views and values with you in life in general as it will not work out without such. 1
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