freebird31 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I met this guy online about 6 months ago. We talked for a long time and went on three dates. We had AMAZING chemstry. aside from that, we were largely attracted to one another. AND we even just understood one another as we both shared similar past experiences. After a while, it started to die out. And honestly, i think the reason being was from both sides. I kept thinking about my first love (who I have been broken up with for 2 years now). Also, the new guy mentioned to me he has a child. I am 23 he is 26. Although this stunned me, this wasnt the whole reason why i backed off from it. The main reason was because he had no goals. A little bit about himself: He is an ex-marine who had served since 18. I, myself have huge goals for myself. I one day want to work in the medical field. But he seemed to be content with where he was at. He had just recently finished his service. And had been working for an airport. But he had no goals to get a higher paying job. And idk, this really bothered me. I mean one day I will eventually be bringing home a comfortable salary. But idk. I dont want to be someone that is the breadwinner. I know this sounds kind of bad. Or like that all i care about is money. I just want him to have some type of goals or ambition for ANYTHING. like i dont even care what it is. but he just is so content with where he is at. And i could not relate to him with that. I feel like we had great potential for an amazing partnership. Should I have brought this up to him? Instead of letting it go? This is a heavy topic to bring up though. I mean he just finsihed his duty. Like do you think i should have been more understanding? I mean maybe he will have goals one day....but he is still just settling after had just finishing his service. I am not sure. i feel like we could have taken it a lot further. And that the only reason I was thinking about my first love was because of these issues. I was so stressed about these things, so i started missing my past relationship. idk. Any Advice ?
hoping2heal Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I think you were right to end the relationship. He's comfortable and happy where he's at and that will be find for someone else who's also comfortable and happy with it. When you have ambitions yourself, it is hard to hold respect and attraction for someone who doesn't match you in that way. It's not like you're some gold digger...lol, you will be making money yourself and working after all. The thing with your ex is kinda strange tho, you broke up 2 years ago and what does he have to do with this situation? Sounds like you haven't moved on completely yet? If so, all the more reason not to be in a relationship. 1
Author freebird31 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I think you were right to end the relationship. He's comfortable and happy where he's at and that will be find for someone else who's also comfortable and happy with it. When you have ambitions yourself, it is hard to hold respect and attraction for someone who doesn't match you in that way. It's not like you're some gold digger...lol, you will be making money yourself and working after all. The thing with your ex is kinda strange tho, you broke up 2 years ago and what does he have to do with this situation? Sounds like you haven't moved on completely yet? If so, all the more reason not to be in a relationship. Thanks for the advice:) I really needed to hear that. I cant seem to meet another person who was as interesting as this guy though. We clicked right off the bat. But that kinda major thing just really stresses me out. ugh. Oh well.
Diezel Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Women are sometimes attracted to ambition and potential. There is nothing wrong with that. As a man, I am attracted to the same in a woman. And it doesn't necessarily mean ambition and potential within the work environment. I'm attracted to people of passion who can feel passionate about different things in life. If there's no fire within them, I am more than likely to just gloss them over. Forget if he was interesting, you'll meet plenty of other men in life who are interesting AND have goals.
Erised Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I don't see goals as the same thing as hoping for a higher income. I need someone to have passion and goals in life - something they strive for - whether they make very little or a huge amount. Those do not have to be career related. Regardless, in something fundamental to someone, it's better to end it if you aren't compatible than nag and hope to change. 3
Rko28 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I find this very shallow behaviour. The guy has been a marine since he was 18, and now hes finished hes got himself a less stressful job but is happy doing it? I dont see the problem. Id be much more worried if you were dating a guy that had no interest in working and was really unhappy in life. You might have missed out here. 8
kendahke Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) I met this guy online about 6 months ago. We talked for a long time and went on three dates. We had AMAZING chemstry. aside from that, we were largely attracted to one another. AND we even just understood one another as we both shared similar past experiences. After a while, it started to die out. And honestly, i think the reason being was from both sides. I kept thinking about my first love (who I have been broken up with for 2 years now). Also, the new guy mentioned to me he has a child. I am 23 he is 26. Although this stunned me, this wasnt the whole reason why i backed off from it. The main reason was because he had no goals. A little bit about himself: He is an ex-marine who had served since 18. I, myself have huge goals for myself. I one day want to work in the medical field. But he seemed to be content with where he was at. He had just recently finished his service. And had been working for an airport. But he had no goals to get a higher paying job. And idk, this really bothered me. I mean one day I will eventually be bringing home a comfortable salary. But idk. I dont want to be someone that is the breadwinner. I know this sounds kind of bad. Or like that all i care about is money. I just want him to have some type of goals or ambition for ANYTHING. like i dont even care what it is. but he just is so content with where he is at. And i could not relate to him with that. I feel like we had great potential for an amazing partnership. Should I have brought this up to him? Instead of letting it go? This is a heavy topic to bring up though. I mean he just finsihed his duty. Like do you think i should have been more understanding? I mean maybe he will have goals one day....but he is still just settling after had just finishing his service. I am not sure. i feel like we could have taken it a lot further. And that the only reason I was thinking about my first love was because of these issues. I was so stressed about these things, so i started missing my past relationship. idk. Any Advice ? You'd do yourself a huge favor to quit comparing every guy you get with to your ex. This man has just completed one goal in his life--getting through the Marines alive and with his limbs in tact. That is pretty huge when you consider how many wounded warriors conflict has created. It appears that he just wants a moment in his life where his stress level is less. Give him some time to figure out what he wants to do next instead of judging and rejecting him by your ex's standards. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to not deal with him since you are not compatible with him in this area. He doesn't need the stress of worrying about not measuring up to an ex. Edited February 12, 2015 by kendahke 3
Author freebird31 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Thanks for the very interesting responses. I got a lot of different views on this. I enjoyed reading every one of them. And yes, I have come to realize I am not over my ex in any way. I really like d this new guy and yes he just finished his service. I think with the circumstances, it just can't work out. And yes your right, this guy has been through A LOT. I actually like him and respect him and I wouldn't want to put him through any more stress. He should be with someone who is comfortable with his lifestyle who doesn't have the same baggage as I do. Idk. He knew about my ex and that I still loved him. He was actually the one who told me I need to let it go. We were open like that with eachother. Maybe one day in the future it can work out. Who knows. :\
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 At 26 I think people ought to have some idea of what they expect their futures to look like. He might be content where he is & that is OK for him but if that's not working for you, you are under no obligation to stick around to motivate him. He's had drill sergeants in the Marines. He got out of the service so he doesn't need another one. Go find somebody who wants to walk the path you are on.
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 GOALS? Yes! People need to have goals, long or short term, they are all important. 1
wb1988 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 But he had no goals to get a higher paying job. And idk, this really bothered me. I mean one day I will eventually be bringing home a comfortable salary. But idk. I dont want to be someone that is the breadwinner. I know this sounds kind of bad. Or like that all i care about is money. I just want him to have some type of goals or ambition for ANYTHING. like i dont even care what it is. but he just is so content with where he is at. And i could not relate to him with that. I feel like we had great potential for an amazing partnership. Should I have brought this up to him? Instead of letting it go? This is a heavy topic to bring up though. I mean he just finsihed his duty. Like do you think i should have been more understanding? I mean maybe he will have goals one day....but he is still just settling after had just finishing his service. I am not sure. i feel like we could have taken it a lot further. And that the only reason I was thinking about my first love was because of these issues. I was so stressed about these things, so i started missing my past relationship. idk. Any Advice ? As a guy I can say that any grown man that has no goals or ambition is unlikely to develop them later on, so don't think of him as a possible fixer-upper. Also, his lack of ambition will rub off on you and you'll probably develop resentment towards him for being a bit of a loser. There's nothing wrong wanting a guy that's more successful/makes more money. I find it funny that there are so many feminists that say it's wrong and yet almost every couple involves the guy either making more or having potential to make more. I think women that say it's wrong are probably the type that are unable to get an above average guy and guys that say it's wrong probably are the type that always lose their girl to a rich guy. Sounds like you want a guy that's both attractive and successful (or at least has goals/ambition), good on you.
wb1988 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 He's had drill sergeants in the Marines. He got out of the service so he doesn't need another one. It sounds like he needs someone to push him in order to get anything done, like a lazy kid with disappointed parents.
mortensorchid Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I think you did the right thing if you chose to end things with him. Because if you dedicate yourself to someone or something that is a lost cause, you will end up disappointed. I've dated men in the past who have no goals or ambitions, I've known women like that as well. Once I asked a woman I used to be friendly with what she wanted to be when she grew up when she was a little kid (I wanted to be Superman ha ha ha). She said "I just figured whatever would happen to me would happen to me." What does that tell you? That she's miserable, that's what that tells you. I'm not saying that this man is the same as that woman is/was, but it sounds like you just weren't well matched ultimately. I also found that if you are an achiever, the other party gets jealous of you because you achieved. Years ago (and I've used this example many times), I was with a man who said it wasn't going to be a permanent set up if I didn't quit smoking and loose weight. After I had dropped about 30 of the 40 lbs I would loose and had quit for about 6 weeks, he was furious with me. It took me too long to do it, he said. Barely a year later he met and married another woman who cleaned him out financially, ran off with husband #4 and has since divorced husband #4. Then years later, I was with this other man who was just a complete and utter loser - he started things, promised things, built them up, then he destroyed it or abandoned the project. I followed through with my projects. He dropped me for another woman who is just as big a loser as he is. Think of it as you eliminated a man who didn't deserve you. It's not shallow to drop him for those reasons, because ultimately that would have happened.
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 It's a no brainer a relationship would be better off if you both shared like minded goals and passions....that is what compatibilty is all about....not just liking the same colour lol. If you are serious for long term, you need to stick with your expectations being fulfilled. If he doesn't then there is nothing wrong with saying "This isn't working for me...."
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Think of it as you eliminated a man who didn't deserve you. It's not shallow to drop him for those reasons, because ultimately that would have happened. This^^^^^^^^
kendahke Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 It sounds like he needs someone to push him in order to get anything done, like a lazy kid with disappointed parents. You don't know what kinds of experiences he had while serving active duty in the Marines. There is such a real thing as PTSD and if you don't know about it, educate yourself on it. Too many service people are coming back off of active duty and are finding it hard to assimilate into a society full of people who have absolutely no understanding or reference for what they've been exposed to. OP and this guy are not compatible for where OP and he are at this point in their lives. She needs to find a guy who is driven and hasn't been through what this Marine has been through.
Author freebird31 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 It sounds like he needs someone to push him in order to get anything done, like a lazy kid with disappointed parents. Woah. I never said he was lazy. Just that he had no goals. And I am not saying that he might not ever ...maybe he will but he has just recently finished serving his duty. He is far from lazy. And he served in the infantry and has been through a lot serving for our country he is not lazy. I don't think I can consider that lazy. I just think perhaps we are different in the sense that I have a current ambitions and he currently does not. Not to say that he won't ever.
Author freebird31 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 You don't know what kinds of experiences he had while serving active duty in the Marines. There is such a real thing as PTSD and if you don't know about it, educate yourself on it. Too many service people are coming back off of active duty and are finding it hard to assimilate into a society full of people who have absolutely no understanding or reference for what they've been exposed to. OP and this guy are not compatible for where OP and he are at this point in their lives. She needs to find a guy who is driven and hasn't been through what this Marine has been through. I agree I believe we are not compatible because we are different points in our lives. I wouldn't mind dating someone who has had the experiences he has had in the army. I think he needs someone who is able to give him the extra support that he needs suffering from any PTSD related conditions. I really think I would have been able to be that person for him. I definitely know I could have.
LookAtThisPOst Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I find this very shallow behaviour. The guy has been a marine since he was 18, and now hes finished hes got himself a less stressful job but is happy doing it? I dont see the problem. Id be much more worried if you were dating a guy that had no interest in working and was really unhappy in life. You might have missed out here. Yeah...it's never enough for some of these women. Never satisfied. A lot of people are happy and content with the 9 to 5, 40 hr a week job. Though, there are some people out there that "live to work", they usually wind up regretting working 60 to 70 hrs a week for an employer that only considers them a number.
thecrucible Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 All I want to add is that some people look for their mirror image in a man and I think that in some cases, it would be the wrong strategy. I don't think it can work in a relationship if both partners have high-powered jobs. Sometimes you think you want something but it doesn't work in practical terms. And a man doesn't have to be aspirational - he just has to treat you well. At the same time, I think it's important to date someone motivated to improve themselves and be a well-functioning adult and then to share the most important life goals in common. 1
Omei Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) I find this very shallow behaviour. The guy has been a marine since he was 18, and now hes finished hes got himself a less stressful job but is happy doing it? I dont see the problem. Id be much more worried if you were dating a guy that had no interest in working and was really unhappy in life. You might have missed out here. Im gonna have to agree. He's done more with his life than I have Im a great mom and I strive to be better each year I work a job I love im happy with it I don't make tons of money, I do not want some great career that takes up all my time because my goal/interest is having a family and another child my goal is to be there for my future children as much as possible. I have dreams of owning a house in the country so I may foster sick animals, I like doing volunteer work in shelters and one day I wish to travel a bit other than those things, I don't want much more. So I would say im a pretty goal less person to your standards but to me those are big big dreams. All id expect from a man in return is to pull his weight he need not be a huge goal chaser. Edited February 13, 2015 by Omei 1
rester Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I'm all for people that have goals, and highly prefer that, but someone that just got out of active Marine duty doesn't sound like someone to be judged poorly for working an airport job. Have you even discussed goals with him on those dates? Maybe he needs some decompression time before he gets things in order. I'd give him more of a chance if this is the only thing that's bothering you. 1
Omei Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Don't forget that what you may not consider a goal could be a huge one to someone else, finding a job so quickly after his return was prob a huge win for him.
stillafool Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Go find somebody who wants to walk the path you are on. ^^^^^^THIS! OP, Why aren't you only going out with guys who have the same level of ambition as you?
Satu Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 Some people have no goals, but are fully engaged in the moment. Some people have goals, but aren't fully engaged in the moment. Which is better/worse? It depends on who you talk to. 1
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