Author Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Holy cow, those aren't sure signs for you!? I have only met one person in my entire life that I have ever said anything remotely similar to. lol Do you need a declaration of love to be 100% positive? Well that's good. Funny, I had the last guy, also Irish, tell me - he thinks we could be together for a long time - that he felt he was already in love with me in such a short time span - that he had never felt this sort of connection before - he called and texted me daily, HE initiated, and if I didn't say goodnight, he would text "night" in an upset manner - like he felt anxious that I may not be into him since I didn't say goodnight first. He bought me an expensive necklace less than 14 days after first meeting me. ^^ this guy was also a man who all his mates declared never bothered with calling or texting women daily, so they thought he must "really be into me" Guess what? He wasn't even into me enough to want to date me in the end! He ended it after a month! Yeah. Oh - and then the lovely English chap who wasn't that into me yet who: - texted me daily from day one -told me he had never felt a connection like this before - told me that he felt we could go somewhere and he had told his family about me - told me after date one that he wanted us to take our online profiles down and not date around anymore because he had feelings for me that would be hurt and wanted us to be on the same page He then disappeared. After he told me that he would " never just disappear on a woman" LOL. Guys have burnt me badly - guys I was REALLY into. Guys who I felt were into me. So you cant blame a nice girl like myself for looking out for my best interest and not believing what men say for a good while. I am also cynical and NEVER expect a great first date with lots of interest from his side - to EVER lead to anything else.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) What did you say in response? Yeah I agree with the 'guys are human too' answer from MissBee. I'm a lot like you in some ways. I try and find the ideal chemistry but I sometimes do myself no favours as I leave it too late to show I'm really into the guy also... It's so confusing when you want the guy to be intrigued enough but you want him to know that you feel as into him without spoiling the chase for him. I'd still give it time. Some guys don't value text communication that much, except when it's setting up plans. It's more about what it's like together in person. Have you considered he might have other women interested in him or that he has gone on dates with? I said in response " looking forward to seeing you too x" He also mentioned on the date that he " thinks it will be so hard for us to wait until Saturday and he bet we wont be able to wait haha" To which I said " yeah it is a bit like that, it will be hard to wait I feel the same way" I mirror. I don't act like an aloof b*tch. I don't initiate those sort of statements in the early stages. I let the guy tell me that he cannot wait to see me again - they are men. It is in their nature to pursue. They don't want a girl to initiate things and be too obvious in their interest, it is no fun for them with no chase. I asked him at the end of the date. I told him that I am not into multi dating. That I want to make sure we are on the same page, and if not that is cool. He said " no, he wasn't dating anyone else and he didn't want to/ that he was keen to focus on just me" I don't date men who multi date - so I make sure we are on the same page right away so I don't waste my time. Edited February 12, 2015 by Leigh 87
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 He texted. " hey babe. Just finished work, I am so shattered. My chest is feeling better though, how has your day been?" I am so glad I wait for guys to text me first - see, in the early stages, if I text them, it really does give away a sense of the mystery. It makes you soo available. In the past I would cave. When I am really into a guy, he is on my mind! I crave him. I want to talk to him. I would always end up texting him before he texted me and they ALWAYS lost interest because I was a bit too available. I genuinely believe the men who lost interest - some of them were genuinely into me but got put off since I initiated the texts. Bare in mind - after date one, the feelings aren't strong enough for a guy to overlook issues like being too keen or available - they may well be into the idea of you, but they WILL absolutely lose when they would have otherwise been into you. It is later on when exclusivity is established and you are in a relationship they no, they wont bail if you initiate texts often.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I read the guys first. Some men I have gone on a date with.. they were really into me and they were the types who LIKED me to initiate because, well, they just liked any sign of interest I showed. It spurred them on to like me even more. Then there are guys who... they prefer to take the reigns. I feel this guy is the latter. But he isn't desperate enough to bother with an aloof girl who takes ages to reply to texts and NEVER initiates not even once.
Revan32 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Well that's good. Funny, I had the last guy, also Irish, tell me - he thinks we could be together for a long time - that he felt he was already in love with me in such a short time span - that he had never felt this sort of connection before - he called and texted me daily, HE initiated, and if I didn't say goodnight, he would text "night" in an upset manner - like he felt anxious that I may not be into him since I didn't say goodnight first. He bought me an expensive necklace less than 14 days after first meeting me. ^^ this guy was also a man who all his mates declared never bothered with calling or texting women daily, so they thought he must "really be into me" Guess what? He wasn't even into me enough to want to date me in the end! He ended it after a month! Yeah. Oh - and then the lovely English chap who wasn't that into me yet who: - texted me daily from day one -told me he had never felt a connection like this before - told me that he felt we could go somewhere and he had told his family about me - told me after date one that he wanted us to take our online profiles down and not date around anymore because he had feelings for me that would be hurt and wanted us to be on the same page He then disappeared. After he told me that he would " never just disappear on a woman" LOL. Guys have burnt me badly - guys I was REALLY into. Guys who I felt were into me. So you cant blame a nice girl like myself for looking out for my best interest and not believing what men say for a good while. I am also cynical and NEVER expect a great first date with lots of interest from his side - to EVER lead to anything else. Jeez is that the type of stuff girls actually expect to hear??? No wonder I can't keep them around for very long. lol I think the closest to doing any of that was when I told this girl I really liked that I dumped all the other girls I was sleeping with for her. The funny thing is she told me she didn't ask for me to do that, and freaked out. Never made an effort to go solo with a girl again.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Jeez is that the type of stuff girls actually expect to hear??? No wonder I can't keep them around for very long. lol I think the closest to doing any of that was when I told this girl I really liked that I dumped all the other girls I was sleeping with for her. The funny thing is she told me she didn't ask for me to do that, and freaked out. Never made an effort to go solo with a girl again. No I don't expect to hear it - men who come on strong like this are usually .... not going to stick around. Ask any girl.... I thought it was lovely at the time but now I am glad this current guy hasn't blurted out too much too soon. It is a relief he is being normal. So no, girls with dating experience like me know NOT to expect guys to say that, and to run for the hills if they come on that strong:laugh: Falling hard is one thing; professing early love and saying you have never felt such a connection before - are things you leave until you actually know a person. Actions can be blatant and go hand in hand with the men who do fall rather fast for you - but they shouldn't declare things in such words - Daily texts or calls, and them setting up regular dates each week is enough of a sign of interest. The way they look at you - talking about wanting to introduce you to their mates if things go well - saying they are happy to have met you and cannot wait to see you again. Things like that are appropriate along with daily texting or calls. but no, it is crossing boundaries, you don't just say things like that when you first meet because it is too much too soon and men with experience probably know that guys say **** cr@p to get a girl into bed and they don't want to seem like they are bullsh*tting.
CrystalCastles Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 He then disappeared. After he told me that he would " never just disappear on a woman" LOL. Guys have burnt me badly - guys I was REALLY into. Guys who I felt were into me. Yeah, and this is what happens when you get WAY TOO invested in someone who you just met. Which is a pattern you keep falling into, Leigh. 7
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Yeah, and this is what happens when you get WAY TOO invested in someone who you just met. Which is a pattern you keep falling into, Leigh. I am anxious about a guy I am into texting me. Doesn't matter how super my life is - I get anxious about dating. I am an anxious dater in the early stages. I am living my life - seeing friends - and all that jazz. I will pretty much always be a nervous dater. Because people lose interest fast and often, it is hard. Doesn't matter how awesome my life is - or how full it is with other things - if I am into a guy, and he seems into me, it IS hard at first! You DO get excited about them when true chemistry is there. I don't go for men who come on too strong now at least - that is when I have gotten my hopes up. When they instigate something more serious than it really is. When they speak of a relationship and being together for a long time. Now I don't buy into that nor do I go for men who come on too strongly. I Know anything can happen. A third or fourth date are not a given just because you had a good first date or two. I am not expecting a relationship, or even more than the next date with this current guy. I just don't "expect" it. I am definitely not investing - I don't expect anything based on our exchange. I didn't even expect him to text me back again. But I am into a guy and I am anxious about whether or not he likes me back - and I always will be of this mindset when I meet a guy I am interested in.
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 And for it, it is the first date/day after that get me anxious. Of course, if a guy seems into you, you DO wonder well, is he going to text or fade?
CrystalCastles Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 And for it, it is the first date/day after that get me anxious. Of course, if a guy seems into you, you DO wonder well, is he going to text or fade? No, I don't. Because I'm not so invested in a guy in the early stages that I'll be spending all day thinking about him and agonizing over whether he will text me or not. 6
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 No, I don't. Because I'm not so invested in a guy in the early stages that I'll be spending all day thinking about him and agonizing over whether he will text me or not. I only date guys I'm into. With that comes with anxiety surrounding their level of interest. And when I'm not on loveshack chatting about it how would you know what I'm thinking?
LoveRefreshed Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Maybe he just didn't feel that instant amazing spark. You know, the one you need. Or it is possible that he is like me, and knows that leaving a girl wondering is the best thing to do. Don't want to be needy or clingy. He set up a date with you and now leaves it alone until then. The best thing to do, IMO.
Diezel Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 So he texted, so in other words, the first page and a half was massive overthinking... after ONE date. You need to slow your roll, girl. You do this to yourself. You are so invested in a guy that you'll make a thread about "rules on texting" while you wait to see whether he texts or not and then try to convince us through yourself that if he doesn't text, there is a reason for it. Just looking for parrots to repeat what you may be already saying. You need to stop doing this to yourself. Next thread: Real Rules of Second Dates on Valentine's Day 8
Kamille Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 A great first date is just a great first date. All it means is that for the first few hours you spent together (you said the night so I'll guess 12), you two were on the same page about having a good romantic time and feeling attracted to each other. Don't confuse lust with compatibility. It says very little about whether or not you are compatible for a relationship. Basically, right now, neither you nor him know whether or not you are compatible. That's what dating is for. You can only figure this out by hanging out together and getting to know each other. That's why your rules about texting after the first date seem over the top. It makes it seem like you are over-invested in making things work with a guy you hardly know. Before investing so much mental energy and hope in a guy, give yourself the chance to get to know him. 4
Erised Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Calm down! Oh sweet flying spaghetti monster, I do not and will never get these rules and games people play. It just makes things so hard. Be a person and let them be a person! And just... interact! 6
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 So he texted, so in other words, the first page and a half was massive overthinking... after ONE date. You need to slow your roll, girl. You do this to yourself. You are so invested in a guy that you'll make a thread about "rules on texting" while you wait to see whether he texts or not and then try to convince us through yourself that if he doesn't text, there is a reason for it. Just looking for parrots to repeat what you may be already saying. You need to stop doing this to yourself. Next thread: Real Rules of Second Dates on Valentine's Day I'm not expecting a relationship. I don't even know if we are compatible. I don't know if this will even go anywhere.
kendahke Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Try to stay out of your head and in the moment when it comes to him. You've built up who you think he is and who he is may come as a huge disappointment with you. Right now, both of you are dealing with each other's representatives at this stage in the involvement. The real him and you have not dismissed the "good face forward" representatives. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 A great first date is just a great first date. All it means is that for the first few hours you spent together (you said the night so I'll guess 12), you two were on the same page about having a good romantic time and feeling attracted to each other. Don't confuse lust with compatibility. It says very little about whether or not you are compatible for a relationship. Basically, right now, neither you nor him know whether or not you are compatible. That's what dating is for. You can only figure this out by hanging out together and getting to know each other. That's why your rules about texting after the first date seem over the top. It makes it seem like you are over-invested in making things work with a guy you hardly know. Before investing so much mental energy and hope in a guy, give yourself the chance to get to know him. Yes you're right. I do realise that I have no idea if I'll find him compatible enough. I'm looking for great chemistry with a compatible guy. Of course once I get the great chemistry guy...It would be lovely if he was also compatible as I really need both things.
thecrucible Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 The guy could be feeling it but is trying to play it cool while he gets to know you. Thing is there's pressure on guys too to come across a certain way. It could be that he acts that way as he wants to keep your interest going. You should see how the next date goes - as often after the first date, people are a little more comfortable and you might get to see how into you they really are. That's what I've noticed anyway....and I've had tonnes of failed dates...but then I wonder if I dismissed them too readily because they didn't display what I believed was enough interest.
MidwestUSA Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I'm not expecting a relationship. I don't even know if we are compatible. I don't know if this will even go anywhere. Did you have sex on the first date? It's astounding that you can do that, and THEN worry about compatibility. And texting preferences! At this point, you're stuck accepting whatever his texting style is. You've been told over and over to slow it down. Now you'll never know if he's just coming back for more sex, IF he comes back, or if he truly feels a connection. But yea, I know, your dating style works for you. You've told us that. 2
MissBee Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 A great first date is just a great first date. All it means is that for the first few hours you spent together (you said the night so I'll guess 12), you two were on the same page about having a good romantic time and feeling attracted to each other. Don't confuse lust with compatibility. It says very little about whether or not you are compatible for a relationship. Basically, right now, neither you nor him know whether or not you are compatible. That's what dating is for. You can only figure this out by hanging out together and getting to know each other. That's why your rules about texting after the first date seem over the top. It makes it seem like you are over-invested in making things work with a guy you hardly know. Before investing so much mental energy and hope in a guy, give yourself the chance to get to know him. So well said! I totally agree and had to learn this myself some years ago. I understand yes if you like a guy you are hopeful and want it to work, but dating is discovering someone, especially after one date, yes excitement or hopefulness should exist, not anxiety, over thinking and agony. At that point you should be very detached as you still know very little of this person and all you're going on is the time you spent and HOPES or fantasy of the future...which may or may not pan out. So if after every good first date you're going to go into overdrive over the minutest of things it will be very tiring. I'm speaking from experience as well. I wasn't quite as bad as you Leigh but had a tendency to work myself into a tizzy over men I was just seeing and what they were thinking or what this or that meant and it was unnecessary mental fatigue for me. I learned that taking a bit of a detached stance and building yourself up to greater levels of attachment versus coming out the gate over-invested in something that is still very unstable. 3
clia Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Well he texted yesterday. If he doesn't text or call at all today at any time, in my mind he is ruled out, as I know deep down that if he met a girl he was excited about and he really though she was a catch - he would not be able to go a day without contact... I have only ever met apathetic men who were not that into or excited about a first date - who then went a day without texting - always, when they met a girl they felt " wow she is special, I am excited to see where this goes" about - they always, always texted her daily. I don't agree with this at all. I actually think it's very common for guys to wait a couple of days after a first date to reach out again, and I don't think it says anything about how excited they are about the potential for the relationship. Two days is nothing. This need for constant communication is just bizarre. Plus, I think men and women learn to pace things as they get older. And many men fear looking too needy or clingy early on because a lot of women get turned off by that, so they've been "taught" to wait two or three days. Plus, absence makes the heart grow fonder. The anticipation builds more butterflies! When I first started dating my fiancé, he reached out only every couple of days or so between dates and it didn't even occur to me that by not texting me every day he might not be into me. In fact, he was very into me and would typically line up our next date while we were out on the current date. Frankly, I might've felt rushed if he was texting me every day at that early stage. He was a total stranger who I was just getting to know; there was no reason for me to be talking to him every day. And he was so apathetic about me that he asked me to marry him about a year later...so... That said, I always gave guys up to three days before I wrote them off, but I am more old school. I don't expect someone to be addicted to me after one date, LOL. 4
Author Leigh 87 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) Did you have sex on the first date? It's astounding that you can do that, and THEN worry about compatibility. And texting preferences! At this point, you're stuck accepting whatever his texting style is. You've been told over and over to slow it down. Now you'll never know if he's just coming back for more sex, IF he comes back, or if he truly feels a connection. But yea, I know, your dating style works for you. You've told us that. I enjoy my dating life. I also enjoy going after the men who give me butterflies as opposed to a good match who I had to grow excited about over time. The fact I'm single and am not with my guys doesn't mean my dating style isn't working. I was simply with the wrong men. I didn't pick someone compatable. Doesn't mean I haven't enjoyed my dating life or learnt from each man. Each man has taught me a lot about what is and isn't a compatible match. The early sex isn't good. I know that. I have only done it twice in my life with the men I've gone on dates with. But I do know that not ALL men lose interest! I happen to think that most men aren't sociopathic ; they don't feign interest and act like they are genuinely into you just to get sex....most men have been honest from day one about their intentions. In fact, the guys I DIDNT jump in the bed with right away were the guys who lied and disappeared on me.... Early sex is never a good idea but it won't always dissuade a decent guy from making his intentions transparent. People get married after first date sex. Not ideal and a " sure fail" Are a world apart. It is usually other factors that determine the relationship success. If this doesn't work out I will try to not have sex again. Sure. It's something I will actively avoid. Sometimes the chemistry is so overwhelming that you can't help it. Next time I'll definately not even set foot in their house ( it's not like they insisted in me coming it was a heat of the moment thing and also I lived over an hour from the date and it was late and he lived much closer) I don't believe this man is a callous fool who will feign interest and then drop me once he gets more sex. I think like most men, he'll drop me if he just isn't that into it anymore. I could be wrong about him but morr often than not, my guys have been honest. They ended things once they knew they weren't that into me. Which was never due to early sex. Edited February 12, 2015 by Leigh 87
regine_phalange Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I'm used to texting or calling or at least IMing every day. So if someone won't do any of the above I'll also assume he didn't feel spark. If you remind yourself that you hardly know the guy and that it's very possible he will turn you off when you get to know him better, then you'll have less agony about the final outcome. 1
Diezel Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I don't believe this man is a callous fool who will feign interest and then drop me once he gets more sex. I think like most men, he'll drop me if he just isn't that into it anymore. Just a few hours ago, you thought he might be feigning interest just because he hadn't texted you in 22 hours or whatever it was. You need to stop, while you're ahead. Everytime you delve into one of your own threads, the hole gets deeper and deeper. 4
Recommended Posts