planb1973 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 A few months ago I lined up two different dates. I went out with each of them and really liked them both, they also were very interested in me. One I got to spend a good amount of time with, and the other I kept seeing casually as I took my time to get know each of them. Fast forward 2 months. One woman I became sexual with after a month, the other I said no to but kept going on dates. I really like both of them and have struggled to make a decision as to which one I wanted to be exclusive with. Honestly it was a horrible experience to have to choose. So the one I am not sleeping with left on a business trip for the month of January giving me a chance to really get to know the other. One morning we were talking and I expressed that I need to slow things down, and that I was dating someone else, but not being sexual. She cried and I felt bad. Later that day she called and confessed to sleeping with two other guys, recently, but she was sorry and wanted an exclusive relationship with me. I was surprised but handled it well telling her that I really liked her but needed some time so sort out how I felt about this sudden mess. Over the next couple of weeks we had many conversations, mainly her being hurt by my dating someone else. She never would give her actions much credit. basically I took all the blame for the eventual end to our relationship. I really do like her and feel horrible. I dont want to loose her. I know the relationship is over and frankly it needed to be due to the lack of trust we each felt. We parted ways agreeing to take some time and then work on a friendship. Days later she deleted me from FB, but sent me a link through email about an interest of mine and a couple days later sends me a text telling me I am a liar, cheater, dishonest, and retracts her invitation to remain friends. Knowing we each need space I refrained from reacting or replying to any of this. So what to do? I have been composing a very nice letter that I want to send. I have not given up hope that we can mend things together in the future.
Jessie1231 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Why would you want to mend things with her? She sounds manipulative for one. She started crying when you told her you had been seeing someone else but during that same time she had slept with two guys? Then she deletes you but sort of attempts to be friends only to follow that up with telling you how horrible you are? Is this the kind of relationship you want? If she's doing this so early into things, it's not a good indication of things to come. What's happening with the one on the business trip? Maybe give her a shot.
lovexocoach Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Move on. No letter for closure. Just drop the whole thing, no more communication with her at all, and move on.
Author planb1973 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I came here for straight answers. There had been a sense of immaturity with her that was holding me back. Through all of this my gut feelings are being validated. She was lots of fun to hang out with and I felt very comfortable with her, but the lack of accountability for her actions shows me the real person. I am taking the woman who travels out for a nice Vday dinner. Dating her is not easy. She travels for work 1/2 the time, so things are moving at a very slow pace, probably good though. She is very sweet, sophisticated, pretty, successful, and really has her stuff together. I am happy I did not stop dating her for the other.
MrMeh Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Go NC with both of them. You have laid a fragile foundation with both and it doesn't seem like it's getting better. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 There's a saying, "Be what you want to attract." You're playing games and consequently you're becoming involved with women who play games. Do you want a serious girlfriend? I'm not sure you've decided. If you do want a serious girlfriend, start acting like a guy who wants a serious girlfriend.
TigerCub Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I came here for straight answers. There had been a sense of immaturity with her that was holding me back. Through all of this my gut feelings are being validated. She was lots of fun to hang out with and I felt very comfortable with her, but the lack of accountability for her actions shows me the real person. I am taking the woman who travels out for a nice Vday dinner. Dating her is not easy. She travels for work 1/2 the time, so things are moving at a very slow pace, probably good though. She is very sweet, sophisticated, pretty, successful, and really has her stuff together. I am happy I did not stop dating her for the other. I think taking things slowly and getting to know someone can actually be a really good thing. I hope things go well with the 2nd one. She sounds nice. As for the first one, just the fact that she did wrong too but acts like it's all on you, shows what an immature jackass she is. You are better off without her. No letter, no nothing (it wasn't a significant enough or long enough relationship to warrant a closure letter).
TigerCub Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 There's a saying, "Be what you want to attract." You're playing games and consequently you're becoming involved with women who play games. Do you want a serious girlfriend? I'm not sure you've decided. If you do want a serious girlfriend, start acting like a guy who wants a serious girlfriend. The one that goes on business trips doesn't seem to have played any games at all. She dated him and was taking things slowly because that's the pace he was setting. How is she playing games?
Toodaloo Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Oh dear lordy. Back off from her and keep it in your pants until you make a decision next time. Other girl seems sensible to me! You didn't break her heart you took away her candy. Please tell me you used condoms...
SycamoreCircle Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 The one that goes on business trips doesn't seem to have played any games at all. She dated him and was taking things slowly because that's the pace he was setting. How is she playing games? You're right. The other woman could be very straightforward. But the point of my response is that the OP's behavior does not warrant honest, forthright behavior.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Why would you tell her about girl #2, especially after you're banging her??? Stupid move... Does nothing but make her jealous and piss her off.
elaine567 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Girl #1, I guess never slept with 2 guys, she probably only told him that to upset him and to save herself embarrassment. She probably feels a compete fool for trusting him and being suckered in. I guess she thought she was in an exclusive relationship. She doesn't want to be "friends", as she hurts too much. OP She doesn't "need space" - she has dumped you for cheating on her.
TigerCub Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 You're right. The other woman could be very straightforward. But the point of my response is that the OP's behavior does not warrant honest, forthright behavior. I totally see your point. This whole story reinforces the fact that people need to have the exclusive talk and not just assume that the person they are dating and screwing is only seeing them. If he never had that talk with either girl, then he is kinda within his dating rights to be dating more than one girl and it is the norm these days (whether we like it or not) to expect that. The girl that slept with him(if she made up the story of screwing 2 other guys or not) should maybe have had that conversation before sleeping with him, and that would have avoided whatever 'heartbreak' she feels.
mightycpa Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Honestly it was a horrible experience to have to choose. I'm not sure why you think you had to choose. You'd do a lot better to date three, figure out which one you like the least, drop that one, and fill the third slot, rinse, lather and repeat until you find yourself just the right one. And of course, it's your business who you choose to sleep with, but you might consider expanding your options there as well. Don't keep it a secret either. It's not a crime to date more than one person. ... she called and confessed to sleeping with two other guys, recently, but she was sorry and wanted an exclusive relationship with me. She had a pretty funny way of showing that, didn't she? ... later sends me a text telling me I am a liar, cheater, dishonest, and retracts her invitation to remain friends. Knowing we each need space I refrained from reacting or replying to any of this. Bullet dodged. What to do? Refer to my advice above. Do that.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Girl #1, I guess never slept with 2 guys, she probably only told him that to upset him and to save herself embarrassment. She probably feels a compete fool for trusting him and being suckered in. I guess she thought she was in an exclusive relationship. She doesn't want to be "friends", as she hurts too much. OP She doesn't "need space" - she has dumped you for cheating on her. Technically he didn't cheat on her if he wasn't exclusive with either one. Although a couple months is a long time to string along two girls IMO. Not the smartest move he made.
mightycpa Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Oh, and for the record? I doubt you broke her heart. You may have disappointed her, but broken heart? I don't think so. She'll be bangin' new guys before you know it, and you'll be a distant memory.
Atticus9292012 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 She told you the slept with two guys bit to make you jealous. I doubt that she did. If she did, she is being really immature and has no right to be upset about you dating someone else. She was doing the same thing. That part sounds manipulative. I don't think you can be friends. Maybe with years and years of time, but you guys had such a short relationship. I just don't see why. What makes you want to be her friend? As an aside, I am the worst about acting inconsistently when feelings are involved. I am hesitant to judge her too much. Sometimes you desire one thing and know another is the better option. Its like a battle between my emotional and logical brain and maybe it comes off as manipulative. I tend to be a little impulsive when emotionally vulnerable. I have told an ex I wanted to be friends and then with some time passing, had to retract that statement. I have told someone I didn't want to be friends, but think of them and text them telling them so and hope they are doing okay....then I regret saying that.
Author planb1973 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 I know 2 months is a long time to string along 2 women. Learning from past relationships I wanted to do things different and go slower. I wish I had held out on being sexual with woman #1 until I had gotten to know each one more. Woman #2 more than once tried but I said no, that I wanted to get to know her more. That and I cared about each woman and did not want to be sleeping with both. Believe it or not I have some dignity. I know I have hurt woman #1. Whether she slept with those guys or not I don't know. When she told me she said that she did not know where we were at and sensed me being distant. That she felt guilty each time and that it was very immature of her. Yes it was. Got it. It is still the beginning and I can forgive that one. Once. People do stupid stuff. If she lied about sleeping with other men that is a bigger issue! The thing is that woman #2 was gone so I wasn't getting much of a chance to get to know her. What I needed was some time with her. I was handed two women that I could easily see myself with each one of them. Not like other times when dating that it is fun but you know it is not going anywhere. Both of these women are great. My reasons for wanting to keep some sort of contact with the first woman is probably selfish. She has a right to be pissed at me, I have been in that position myself so I know how it feels. I just want some time with woman #2 to see what fits best for me.
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