Valentine's Day plans and wanting to feel wanted/appreciated

[BluEyeL]

No, I mean on his part. Do you think I've done anything he could break up with me over?

Ah...no, I wouldn't worry about it. Just stop overthinking. You'll be fine.

[losangelena]

Okay, sitting on my hands now.

[Leigh 87]

Does this guy otherwise take you out and treat you to dinner and spoil you? Does he treat you like a princess?

 

Or is that just not his thing?

 

If he takes you one once a week and makes you feel spoilt and appreciated on a regular basis, perhaps he just isn't into celebrations? Some men think every day should be valentines day...

 

I personally only date romantic men who will take me out and show me a good time on valentines day; my mates are getting showered with attention and spoilt on valentines day so I don't settle for less.

 

What is he like on a regular basis?

[losangelena]

I don't know about spoils, but when we go out he tends to pay. He'll make me dinner on occasion, and always makes me coffee in the morning. He did install more ram on my laptop, which seems like such a small thing, but to me it was such a romantic gesture.

 

I want to be able to brag about him to my friends. For Christmas, I got him a nice bow tie, and he finally had a chance to wear it this weekend to a party. He got so many compliments on it, and all his male coworkers were so impressed. I told him he was the hottest guy there. I LOVED the fact that something I gave him was such an ego boost. I can understand if gift giving isn't his thing, but it's his seeming lack of care in making me feel delighted that bothers me. I'm his girlfriend! He says he cares!

 

I guess it's that kind of stuff that bothers me, and I don't know if I'm overreacting. Like, if you're not gonna get something, then at least take me out proper.

[trolloperative]

That book BlueEye suggested is on youtube in audio format. And it's on the short side. I'm also one that hates holidays so dont see what your BF is doing as a big deal.. However gift giving is meaningful to you and he should be stepping up.

[Leigh 87]

It depends on who you are and what you want from a relationship.

 

I intend to make my own money and to be able to support myself well and also have left over money to spoil a guy - I like to get lovely vintage watches for their birthdays or Christmas. I go all out. I am a generous person by nature.

 

HOWEVER - as a person, I need a man who spoils me. Who takes me out once a week, pays, and makes me feel like a princess.

 

My friends boyfriend told her once " you are the hottest girl in the venue". He meant it. He is really taken by his her.

 

Little nice things that make you feel warm and fuzzy are key for me.

 

It is your life here - you have to identify what you want, and if you can realistically obtain it.

 

If you have been single for some time and you honestly believe you wont find more than what your boyfriend has to offer - by all means, you can adapt to his way of being. Chances are, he is just like this to any girl he is has and it is not just you he wont u the ante for.

 

I am 28 and without a very long term R before but I am opting to wait for a few key things - a man who spoils me and makes me feel special is one of them. I believe I can find it and am happy to wait.

 

A few things would leave me cold, and just wont do. What your boyfriend is like wouldn't be sufficient; it wouldn't meet my needs.

[Els]

If you hadn't explicitly told him that it meant a lot to you, then I'd say maybe it's a cultural thing, don't expect him to read your mind etc. But you have... so those are pretty much irrelevant. He knows - now it's up to him to do something about it. I don't think it's unreasonable at all for you to expect that.

 

That being said, don't you think you're being a bit rigid in your expectations and jumping the gun a bit? I mean, Valentines' Day isn't even HERE yet. How do you know he won't show up with some chocolates or flowers or a massage or something? If you reserved the restaurant and he paid for dinner and brought flowers, would that be okay? Or is it absolutely essential for you that he make the reservations?

[losangelena]

Well, I said in my first post that I needed to get out of my head about this, and I do have a tendency to jump to worst case scenario type thinking, hence posting in the first place.

 

Of course it wouldn't be a big deal if I made the reservation, etc, but we agree at the beginning of the week that he would do it.

 

He did text me earlier to say that this one place I had suggested looked good, "if I was still up for it." I texted him back saying, of course! I'd love to. Then I asked him what time and his reply was "8/9?," which made me wonder if he hadn't even booked the place yet, so I said back, yes either one is great. And I never heard a reply.

 

But you see, it's things like that, where even a simple reservation—I'd love it if he just made a plan and TOLD me what was going to happen. He's always deferring to me—I always pick where we go, etc. He's always double-checking to make sure that days where we planned to meet are "still on," as if I've somehow had some major change of heart, even after I'd expressed outright enthusiasm over the chance to see him. He never seems enthusiastic, as if it would make no difference to him if we got together or not, everything is, "do you want to come over?" instead of, "I want to see you."

 

It's such a difference, to me there is, anyway, which is why I say that I really don't know what he likes about me, what kind of difference I make in his life, or if he'd even care if I weren't around. I feel like, if I stopped making the effort, would there be anything there? My fear is that the answer would be no, so yeah, it is important in this context that he take care of making the reservation, because if he can't complete such a simple task (that took me literally five seconds to do this morning), then wtf is up?

 

This is about Valentine's Day, but not really about Valentine's Day—it's about that underlying question of, "does he actually care about me?"

 

And Leigh, just to touch on one part of your post—I'm his first real girlfriend, so I'm not so sure it's a matter of "he's stuck in his ways," as it is, "he has no idea what he's doing."

 

I'm so upset, you guys.

 

Edited to add: I would love to be sitting here, feeling anticipation and excitement about this weekend, instead of bracing myself for some disappointment.

 

Edited again to say that I'm afraid I simply don't inspire within him that deep passion that a man needs to feel before he fully commits to a woman, and am simply kidding myself that this will ever change. My therapist says I need to be very specific about what I want from him (and I agree), and that it's up to him whether he can deliver on that or not. I'm not expecting perfection, but right now I feel like we barely have our bases covered.

Edited February 12, 2015 by losangelena

[Els]

It's such a difference, to me there is, anyway, which is why I say that I really don't know what he likes about me, what kind of difference I make in his life, or if he'd even care if I weren't around. I feel like, if I stopped making the effort, would there be anything there? My fear is that the answer would be no, so yeah, it is important in this context that he take care of making the reservation, because if he can't complete such a simple task (that took me literally five seconds to do this morning), then wtf is up?

 

This is about Valentine's Day, but not really about Valentine's Day—it's about that underlying question of, "does he actually care about me?"

 

So this is really about your fear of the bolded - a bigger issue than Valentines' Day. I agree with you that if he doesn't do ANYTHING for you, there is nothing there and you should definitely leave. However, that is why I asked you that question: If he made an effort to do something, just not the specific 'something' that you want, would it make any difference to you? For instance, if he had made the effort to cook a meal at home instead? Or bought you flowers instead of making the reservation?

 

If you're sticking with 'he must make the reservation' - that is totally fine, but that means that that is actually the issue. Not just that he cares about you or that he puts effort in your relationship, but that he cares to make an effort in that specific aspect - making plans. (And yes, he does sound exceptionally wishy-washy in that aspect - if he had not wanted to make a reservation he should have just said no to start with). If you can isolate which of the above is the problem, it will be easier to address your feelings about it.

 

It's okay to be unsatisfied and break off a relationship because someone isn't making an effort in an aspect that is important to you, but you should be able to admit that to yourself instead of extrapolating that to mean that they don't care at all. All it means that you are both incompatible because you speak different love languages.

Edited February 12, 2015 by Elswyth

[clia]

I don't know about spoils, but when we go out he tends to pay. He'll make me dinner on occasion, and always makes me coffee in the morning. He did install more ram on my laptop, which seems like such a small thing, but to me it was such a romantic gesture.

 

I want to be able to brag about him to my friends. For Christmas, I got him a nice bow tie, and he finally had a chance to wear it this weekend to a party. He got so many compliments on it, and all his male coworkers were so impressed. I told him he was the hottest guy there. I LOVED the fact that something I gave him was such an ego boost. I can understand if gift giving isn't his thing, but it's his seeming lack of care in making me feel delighted that bothers me. I'm his girlfriend! He says he cares!

 

I guess it's that kind of stuff that bothers me, and I don't know if I'm overreacting. Like, if you're not gonna get something, then at least take me out proper.

 

I don't think you are overreacting at all, and I really don't understand why you are turning this around in a way that makes you feel like the bad guy. You are entitled to want what you want out of a relationship and you've communicated your needs to him.

 

I would've been heartbroken if a man who I had been dating since September didn't get me anything or do anything for me for Christmas. It's not about the cost; it's the thought. If he's lived in the U.S. for five years, he knows that Christmas is a big deal here. If he watches two and a half minutes of television during December he's been pummeled with commercials about gifts. I actually find it strange that he just didn't get you anything without even talking to you about it first. (i.e., like Blue's guy who doesn't celebrate Christmas and talked to her about that.) How awkward. And frankly, the fact that he said he would get you something (only after you got him something) and it's now six, seven weeks later and he is still in the process of doing it doesn't seem like a great sign to me. It doesn't seem like a priority to him.

 

As for Valentine's Day...I'm not a huge fan of it, but it's wonderful to get something from the man you are dating regardless. Why did you ship his gift to his house rather than to your own? Was that to intentionally give him a "head's up" that he needed to do something? Do you think he would've done nothing at all if you hadn't done that? I don't blame you one bit for wanting to go out to dinner with him on Valentine's Day. I also think you should cancel your backup reservation. You've told him what you wanted to do; let him make the plan. He knows he needs to step up his game. Give him the opportunity to do it. If he can't manage to do that, maybe that's a pink flag about him for you to file away. If you end up having to eat at McDonald's, then so be it. Let him step up and figure it out. (I may be wrong, but I kind of get the impression from your post that you tend to step up and take control. Don't do that; let him take control. This may be hard for you, but try. Let him be the man.)

 

Also, please don't forget that what you want out of the relationship is also very important. It worries me that you are concerned that you've committed a breakupable offense for simply telling him what you wanted. You are learning about him now, too, and you are already seeing some things that don't thrill you. I think how he handles Valentine's Day will be very telling. You may well decide that how he operates is not what you want from your man.

 

At this point, just sit back and see what he does.

[elaine567]

Be careful here, he is Indian and you are his first relationship and his family do not even know about you and you say they will not approve anyway.

He may only see you as a stop gap until his family organise an arranged marriage for him.

I would start investigating that angle before you get in too deep here.

 

Fixing a slow laptop may be more of a challenge to a nerdy guy than actually an act of love...

He just seems a bit lack lustre to me and for someone in their first relationship, I would perhaps have been expected him to be a bit more keen and smitten perhaps...

Good luck on Valentines Day, but like Clia says I would cancel the dinner you arranged, he has to stand by his own messes, if he does mess up here, he has had plenty warning.

This is just going out for dinner and buying you a gift, this is not some complicated cultural event that will be confusing for him.

[BluEyeL]

I don't think you are overreacting at all, and I really don't understand why you are turning this around in a way that makes you feel like the bad guy. You are entitled to want what you want out of a relationship and you've communicated your needs to him.

 

.

Yes, I was surprised that she felt like a bad guy, I was focusing more on what he did as being a breakable offense. I am still not clear what does he do to show his appreciation in other ways. The memory on the computer seems to be one thing. Does he seem excited about you, tells you how much you mean to him, tells you what he likes about you? How does the relationship look like otherwise? How often do you meet, what do you do etc?

 

My BF is a bit clunky with this stuff, but it's about the commercial holidays only and even with those he made some semblance of an effort: the trip to Mexico (we've been to Mexico last week:love:), the Valentine's gift. But for my bday he made a big deal: reservation at fancy restaurant, flowers, card, gift . So I'm giving him a pass on not being big on these other days because he showed me it's not about his lack of appreciation but about his weird rejection of forced commercial celebrations. Anyway, this, to me, means he's stubborn and I'll see how I feel about that long term.

 

I will watch to see what mine does over the next year or so and then he'll either be given tenure or fired (I'm a professor, so that's the jargon lol). I think you should just watch and paint a picture of how your life would be with this guy if you married him. We shouldn't be unreasonable, but if the negative outbalances the positive, there is no point in being in a LTR with that person.

[Leigh 87]

Well, I said in my first post that I needed to get out of my head about this, and I do have a tendency to jump to worst case scenario type thinking, hence posting in the first place.

 

Of course it wouldn't be a big deal if I made the reservation, etc, but we agree at the beginning of the week that he would do it.

 

He did text me earlier to say that this one place I had suggested looked good, "if I was still up for it." I texted him back saying, of course! I'd love to. Then I asked him what time and his reply was "8/9?," which made me wonder if he hadn't even booked the place yet, so I said back, yes either one is great. And I never heard a reply.

 

But you see, it's things like that, where even a simple reservation—I'd love it if he just made a plan and TOLD me what was going to happen. He's always deferring to me—I always pick where we go, etc. He's always double-checking to make sure that days where we planned to meet are "still on," as if I've somehow had some major change of heart, even after I'd expressed outright enthusiasm over the chance to see him. He never seems enthusiastic, as if it would make no difference to him if we got together or not, everything is, "do you want to come over?" instead of, "I want to see you."

 

It's such a difference, to me there is, anyway, which is why I say that I really don't know what he likes about me, what kind of difference I make in his life, or if he'd even care if I weren't around. I feel like, if I stopped making the effort, would there be anything there? My fear is that the answer would be no, so yeah, it is important in this context that he take care of making the reservation, because if he can't complete such a simple task (that took me literally five seconds to do this morning), then wtf is up?

 

This is about Valentine's Day, but not really about Valentine's Day—it's about that underlying question of, "does he actually care about me?"

 

And Leigh, just to touch on one part of your post—I'm his first real girlfriend, so I'm not so sure it's a matter of "he's stuck in his ways," as it is, "he has no idea what he's doing."

 

I'm so upset, you guys.

 

Edited to add: I would love to be sitting here, feeling anticipation and excitement about this weekend, instead of bracing myself for some disappointment.

 

Edited again to say that I'm afraid I simply don't inspire within him that deep passion that a man needs to feel before he fully commits to a woman, and am simply kidding myself that this will ever change. My therapist says I need to be very specific about what I want from him (and I agree), and that it's up to him whether he can deliver on that or not. I'm not expecting perfection, but right now I feel like we barely have our bases covered.

 

You did say that there was no chemistry at first nor were either of you giddy with excitement.

 

Deep passion usually kicks off with good first date chemistry.

 

I've noticed that couples who had to create their own chemistry when there was none to begin with, often never arrived at that place where they were passionate about their partners. They had a very lovely but compassionate style of relationship. Not a passionate one.

 

Women can grow passionat but most men who were indifferent and me about you at first never do get that deep sense of passion or longing for you. Where as women can grow passion when it wasn't there naturall in the early stages.

 

Based on how lukewarm you both felt at the beginning, it doesn't surprise me thatched this indifferent about wanting to spoil you and take you out. Some men love any excise to treat their partners to a lovely dinner.

 

I know you feel that you're really compatible in all other ways. Just think about it for a while...

[BluEyeL]

That's bullsh* Leigh, total and completely utter bullsh*

 

If it's not working out it's incompatibility. Has zero to do with first date chemistry, stop pounding on that dum* idea. it's who people ARE. At the first date you have no clue who the people are!!

[losangelena]

Thanks ladies, I do appreciate all the feedback.

 

The Christmas gift. It's taken him so long because I've taken this long to tell him what I want. It is sh*tty, you're right, and I was hurt, and that's why I thought V-Day would be a bigger thing for him, as a way to "make it up" to me. I sent his gift to his place because it's large, and I live across town and don't have a car, so it was easier than having to schlep it on the train. It did provide a good opportunity to give him a head's up, though.

 

I'm not sure if he's just not a holiday/gift guy (my dad was ALWAYS going to the store on Christmas Eve to get presents for my mom—ALWAYS), or it's ME who's a low priority for him. That's part of what I'm trying to figure out.

 

He did make a reservation for tomorrow. But my roommate did say that even if he hadn't, we shouldn't go to the place I got a reservation for, because I'd feel too resentful. I agree.

 

I do tend to jump in and take control, it's true. Part of it is because I'm an action-oriented person, which stems from my anxiety, and part of it is because when we do get together, he's always deferring to me and what I want to do, so I've just gotten into the habit of making plans.

 

About him being Indian, he's expressed a lack of desire for an arranged marriage, or to even go back to India to live. He likes the freedom of living here, out from under the thumb of what sounds like a very controlling family, and has also stated that since he's here, he has no desire to recreate the typical "Indian experience." Trust me though, this is definitely on my radar. And about the laptop thing, lol for just assuming he's a nerd , but it was a genuine act of service on his part.

 

I tend to have quite a bit of relationship anxiety. It's very difficult for me to state my wants and needs, and get close to people. For context, before I met my BF, I was in a FWB situation with a drug user, and have a history of being attracted to unavailable men because they're quite a bit safer. I know, logically, that there's no way I'd jump from a situation like that into a perfectly healthy relationship with an fully available man. I see a therapist, and am working through these issues, and he's helping me navigate how to even be in a relationship. As I'm doing that work though, and getting a little "healthier," and expecting more from a partner, all I can do is ask my BF to come to my level, and if he can't, then it's time to move on.

 

He'll do things like tell me how good I look, or that I'm beautiful, or call me by my pet name, etc. It is a frustration that I'm not sure WHAT about me he likes (kindness, smarts, nurturing, whatever), or why he's with me. I tell him all the time that I think he's generous and that I'm proud of him for all the work he's done in the gym in the last year, etc. Again, I'm sitting here going, is he just not good at expressing himself verbally, either? Or does he not have any emotions towards me? So when he does do things like the laptop thing, or give me rides to places, or makes dinner, or cleans up, those things mean a lot. He also gets flowers and little gifts here and there (chocolate he knows I like, beer he knows I like). I mean, he's not a robot, and he is sweet and considerate. Last week he knew I was having a bad week, and treated me to a nice dinner. We spend about three to four nights/days a week together. We hang out with my friends, or his friends, go to movies, our "regular" bar, etc. Just normal, couple-y stuff.

 

I didn't feel chemistry with him at first. He was super into it at the beginning, though. I know how you feel about initial chemistry, Leigh.

Edited February 12, 2015 by losangelena

[stillafool]

 

I don't have particularly strong feelings for Valentines but some people do but it can also be seen as a lovers holiday that isn't just for a women. It's a day that two people can share and appreciate with each other. Why does it have to be one sided? This may go against the grain or does it?

 

 

Funny you say this because apparently alot of men have a problem that women only think VD is for them. I hear that men now want gifts also for VD, preferably electronics, and no longer feel that they should be the only one to give a gift on this day. They feel it is selfish.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Be careful. He might be one of the guys who lets you do all the work. You are stepping in too much. I would simply wait and see what he comes up with. If it is nothing, I would break up with him. If he does not have a plan when you are dating for a couple of months, he sure won't have a plan after you're together for 5 years.

[callingyouuu]

I'm not sure if he's just not a holiday/gift guy (my dad was ALWAYS going to the store on Christmas Eve to get presents for my mom—ALWAYS), or it's ME who's a low priority for him. That's part of what I'm trying to figure out.

 

I have a strong bet on the former because of what you said here...

 

So when he does do things like the laptop thing, or give me rides to places, or makes dinner, or cleans up, those things mean a lot. He also gets flowers and little gifts here and there (chocolate he knows I like, beer he knows I like). I mean, he's not a robot, and he is sweet and considerate. Last week he knew I was having a bad week, and treated me to a nice dinner.

 

You're clearly a priority to him. I come from a culture where these everyday actions mean much more than traditional romantic holidays, which are kind of meaningless to us.

 

That said, if this is an issue for you both now, I feel it will continue to be very difficult for him to think about traditional holidays in the same way you do in the future.

[losangelena]

I have a strong bet on the former because of what you said here...

 

You're clearly a priority to him. I come from a culture where these everyday actions mean much more than traditional romantic holidays, which are kind of meaningless to us.

 

That said, if this is an issue for you both now, I feel it will continue to be very difficult for him to think about traditional holidays in the same way you do in the future.

 

And this is why I start to feel bad, because here I am, telling him he needs to show his appreciation more, when he's probably like, "I AM showing you my appreciation, all the time!"

 

I don't want to be demanding or come off as ungrateful, and I'm afraid that maybe I've done so. I am thankful for the things he does do, but I guess I receive affirmation in different ways than he's giving.

[GemmaUK]

OP, I have read pretty much all of this thread.

 

 

I think that if I were the one into VD (for example) and if I knew I would feel disappointed if my guy didn't do anything for it then I have the right to speak up. You didn't do wrong in speaking up.

He said himself he needs to 'step up his game'

 

 

So..in your dating time you have had a lot of event type days so far and you have been the one to arrange and organise etc.

 

 

Your man is touchy, affectionate (I would have liked the pc update too btw), is happier to have you around than you are even aware of (there's no hassles between you two aside from this which is now beginning to bug you is there?!) and I am totally guessing the next comments in that he is quite relaxed, laid back and generally a happy person.

Have you seen him actually stressed about anything much aside from worrying about what to do for VDay?

 

 

Blue Iris and the love languages - a book I must read myself - there is some perspective to been seen in that with your situation - absolutely!

 

 

I have another angle to tell you about.

 

 

Bear with me, there is some background info here...

 

 

I have been friends with a man for....er..,*counts*...22 years.

His name is Kuljeet. He is Sikh...but chooses which rules he sticks to..

 

 

I met him when we were both 23 years old. We worked alongside each other for a couple of years and then he became my supervisor.

 

 

He was born in India but had lived in the UK for about 12 years by then.

 

 

He is the most laid back of men I know, one of the funniest, the most sarcastic (I like that as I am too).

This is the guy you go for a Sunday roast dinner with and he pours tobacco sauce on it!

 

 

He moved up to manager and I got a promotion to his role. On the day I started my new job my Dad had an aortic aneurysm and ended up in intensive care for 5 months.

Kully helped me through this, carried me, made no complaints but would tell me when I wasn't concentrating and made mistakes.

I needed him to do that.

 

 

A year after my Dad got sick Kully moved to a different dept and also much to our surprise he agreed to an arranged marriage (his parents had been on at him for years about this and he had just not been ready or maybe his options were just not right for him..).

 

 

He went to Dehli and 2 weeks later he returned with a beautiful new bride, Amarinda.

 

 

He was 28 when they got married, he had dated no one before his marriage.

 

 

I am still friends with them both, sometimes I see Kully on his own and sometimes Am comes out for a while too.

 

 

She is why I am posting this though - good grief! She is totally adorable! But she REALLY had to train him up and tell him exactly what she wanted him to do. He was fine with it once he honestly knew and it was bullet pointed out.

I only know this because she has told me. It's hilarious when we are all together as he goes to the toilet/bar/whatever and we chat and he comes back all...'um..what have you been talking about?' Amarinda smiles and says 'you!' 'I need an outlet! She knows you!'

 

 

These two are the most loved up couple I know. I adore them!

They so take the mickey out of each other too but..he 'knows' what is expected of him because she is very 'this is what I want you to do if you want to stay with me'.

 

 

He neeeeeeded training....she is still training him..but the RS they have is just brilliant..even all these years later. (married for 17 years now).

 

 

Kully was too laid back...he needed telling..she tells him..and he likes it.

But he has also got used to what she likes and needs. He is still learning!

 

 

What is quite funny is he is 6ft 3in ish and she if 5ft..she just grabs his collar and grins and tells him 'X'.

 

 

They are the most beautiful couple.

[SunnySide0418]

I think you are totally settling for this guy. He is not the last man on earth. He is not giving you what you need. This is the honeymoon stage and he is falling short! He is not considerate of your feelings and quite frankly doesn't know how to make a woman feel special. How does the Christmas gift that you had to tell him what to get mean anything? And if he doesn't give you flowers or a nice card for vday I'd be done. Seriously, find someone who knows how to treat a lady. This will only get worse as time passes. We teach people how to treat us and you are teaching him this is OK by sticking around.

[losangelena]

They are the most beautiful couple.

 

Thanks for that story, they do sound lovely.

 

Other people have told me that I'm going to have to train him to do what I want. And you're right, when he knows what I want, he is quick to do it, without complaint, almost as if he'll do anything I ask (which is why I don't want to overstep my bounds). I've noticed a different reaction when I say, "I feel hurt that I don't feel appreciated," and "I like it when you do X." I think when I say I feel hurt, he doesn't know what to do with that. Things go better when I just tell him what to do.

 

He's very laid back, generally happy. He doesn't get upset at much, unless you count Call of Duty and stupid drivers. He is a procrastinator—whether it's getting his car smog checked or getting a birthday card for a friend of his. All of his friends, especially the women, tell me to hang onto him as long as I can. And I think that's the thing. I've heard the settling thing before, too, and yes maybe he's romantically-challenged, but he's a good person. I would rather someone be a bit clumsy and genuine, than someone who may be able to "date well." I think he's good raw material, just needs a lot of work. I suppose my choice is figuring out if I want to be the one to train him (slowly, oh so slowly) or not.

 

I understand that I probably sound a bit bi-polar in my posts, considering what I was saying yesterday, but I do genuinely care about him and want things to work out between us.

[BluEyeL]

I still think you should let go of V-day. It's just a day and he's even Indian. Watch what he's doing on your b-day for example and how he treats you the other days.

[GemmaUK]

Thanks for that story, they do sound lovely.

 

Other people have told me that I'm going to have to train him to do what I want. And you're right, when he knows what I want, he is quick to do it, without complaint, almost as if he'll do anything I ask (which is why I don't want to overstep my bounds). I've noticed a different reaction when I say, "I feel hurt that I don't feel appreciated," and "I like it when you do X." I think when I say I feel hurt, he doesn't know what to do with that. Things go better when I just tell him what to do.

 

He's very laid back, generally happy. He doesn't get upset at much, unless you count Call of Duty and stupid drivers. He is a procrastinator—whether it's getting his car smog checked or getting a birthday card for a friend of his. All of his friends, especially the women, tell me to hang onto him as long as I can. And I think that's the thing. I've heard the settling thing before, too, and yes maybe he's romantically-challenged, but he's a good person. I would rather someone be a bit clumsy and genuine, than someone who may be able to "date well." I think he's good raw material, just needs a lot of work. I suppose my choice is figuring out if I want to be the one to train him (slowly, oh so slowly) or not.

 

I understand that I probably sound a bit bi-polar in my posts, considering what I was saying yesterday, but I do genuinely care about him and want things to work out between us.

 

I didn't see what you posted yesterday..I won't go look either.

 

 

If I had a man I could train up I would be one happy woman.

Those I tend to meet are middle aged, set in their ways and expect me to react like all their ex's did.

I'm me..not their ex/'s!!!!

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

What is the appeal of a guy you have to "train"? It's a different culture, not a different planet; you shouldn't have to teach him to listen. You sound like you're trying to be content with whatever bare minimum he The fact that you have to remind yourself of the kind things he does for you seems like a bad sign. If he can't deliver at least something after all you've said, you should walk.

 

That probably sounds heartless. It's not my intent. You just shouldn't have to tell yourself you're happy and everything is fine.