justconfused25 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) Hello LS, Been a while since I posted! I recently broke up with my ex a week ago and I have been frequenting this sub-section quite often as you can imagine. It has been greatly helpful and although I haven't fully recovered yet, I thought I would provide back to the community with what I can. My motivation for doing this was that, although I could not relate to every post, there were certain ones that really touched me and helped my process. The "gems". Everyone appeals to comfort differently and I hope by sharing what I learned, I can heal even just one broken-heart. Believe me when I say I probably experienced everything in the book when it comes to heartache. Being cheated on and so forth. I struggled with forgiveness but this is what helped: In an ideal fantasy, showing love and kindness 'should' be reciprocated. However, in our moral reality the person you showed love to is not obligated or required to reciprocate. I understood that in our world, being a "good" lover does not necessarily mean good must or will come back. It increases the chances, sure. It will only come back through a matter of natural desire and wholehearted want from your partner directly influenced by their values. The fact that they wronged you through cheating or manipulation for example and you getting hurt in the process just happened to be the outcome of their values. If you understand this, then you realize it is not a matter of fair or not when they hurt you. You also realize that as badly as you want them back, as long as their values don't change, they will only be more sophisticated in hiding it until another scenario approaches where it resurfaces. Only want or take them back when their fundamental values change and align with yours. Some like myself may believe that only God can change that. For others, it may be other things. Just realize in the end, you broke up due to this exact word of "values" as it permeates every single action you and your partner did to reach to your current point of breaking up. This is where forgiveness comes in. By holding on to phrases like "how could they", it will never even out and your heart will never be at peace until they get back with you and make it right which is usually unlikely. Since I did not believe it was a matter of fair or not, I could forgive all the things my ex did because I ignored their difference in values from the beginning and it played out the way it did with me getting hurt. It was simply a consequence, not a punishment. Edited February 12, 2015 by justconfused25 8
Kevin_D Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Great post. For the first time ever, I will print this and put in my wall. Thank you. 2
Elle1975 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I see forgiveness coming up a lot. To some (me), it's just a matter of reaching the point of not caring anymore, of simply living my life, and realizing that I don't need someone to be happy. Nothing to do with forgiveness. I however understand that to some people forgiveness IS what makes them keep on going in a peaceful manner. Whatever works.
fronk Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Thank you. I believe this as well....but only for myself. This does not apply to everyone, but for myself I feel like I need to forgive in order to move on. 1
Kevin_D Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Yeah, my ex had a rough childhood. Her mother never took any responsibility. If my ex had bad grades, it wasn't her fault... it was the school's fault. So, it isn't that strange that my ex blames me for the breakup. She never learned to take responsibility for her actions. If something doesn't work out, it must be someone else's fault! Thinking like this, makes it somewhat easier for me to forgive her. 1
Author justconfused25 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I see forgiveness coming up a lot. To some (me), it's just a matter of reaching the point of not caring anymore, of simply living my life, and realizing that I don't need someone to be happy. Nothing to do with forgiveness. I however understand that to some people forgiveness IS what makes them keep on going in a peaceful manner. Whatever works. To reach a point of not caring anymore would be indifference. Depending on how you look at it, indifference is the opposite of love. To some from a fundamental phenomenological standpoint, love and hate are 2 sides of the same coin. Both emotions of raw intensity. Since they are both emotions and indifference is the lack of emotion, I believe they are opposites. Many may think hate is the opposite of love and they are not wrong either. Just my perspective. For me right now, it's certainly a desired state of mind.
marimari Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I am wondering, how do you forgive in practice? I sometimes think and say okay, I forgive you, I let you go, but I don't know if is that really sincere? Cause sometimes, when I remember the bad things he did to me, my first thought is that he is a garbage.
SycamoreCircle Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I alternate between moments of anger and "how could you do this?" to pity and compassion. I know that until she addresses her issues and takes ownership of the hurt she inflicted, she will never have anything deep or lasting. That's a pretty awful sentence, especially for a 25-year-old woman. There are moments when I don't feel the anger and I don't feel the responsibility of compassion. Just release. This, for me, is forgiveness. It's when there is no indebtedness and the whole thing passes over me like a breeze. I feel no compulsion to latch onto anything. So, in essence, forgiveness is not something I can actively pursue. It is a calm which catches me off-guard. 1
FancyFace Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 My questions around forgiveness have had a lot more to do with how to forgive myself for getting into a toxic situation with a toxic person and then not getting out when all the red flags were flying high. I care very little about forgiving him. Who cares? I sure don't and I know he could give a damn, so why should I? I am more concerned about the choices I made, my actions and what that means about my self-esteem/self-love. It raises questions about how I can make sure that I never find myself in that position ever ever again. Once I have forgiven myself for my bad choices, then automatically I forgive him because, although I didnt cause him to become a douchebag, I am the one who tolerated his BS and that was the problem in the first place.
marimari Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 My questions around forgiveness have had a lot more to do with how to forgive myself for getting into a toxic situation with a toxic person and then not getting out when all the red flags were flying high. I care very little about forgiving him. Who cares? I sure don't and I know he could give a damn, so why should I? I am more concerned about the choices I made, my actions and what that means about my self-esteem/self-love. It raises questions about how I can make sure that I never find myself in that position ever ever again. Once I have forgiven myself for my bad choices, then automatically I forgive him because, although I didnt cause him to become a douchebag, I am the one who tolerated his BS and that was the problem in the first place. Hm, you really gave me a lot to think now. Maybe you are totally right, maybe I didn't forgive myself, and that is the first thing to do. I am also concerned about my choices, and when it was obvious that he is not into us, I tried to fix everything, and also perceived break up as my own failure. I don't want to make same mistake ever again and be with someone who does not appreciate me. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) I alternate between moments of anger and "how could you do this?" to pity and compassion. I know that until she addresses her issues and takes ownership of the hurt she inflicted, she will never have anything deep or lasting. That's a pretty awful sentence, especially for a 25-year-old woman. There are moments when I don't feel the anger and I don't feel the responsibility of compassion. Just release. This, for me, is forgiveness. It's when there is no indebtedness and the whole thing passes over me like a breeze. I feel no compulsion to latch onto anything. So, in essence, forgiveness is not something I can actively pursue. It is a calm which catches me off-guard. This right here. I got to this point with my ex-husband (cheated on me and left me for another woman) where I was just indifferent, like you said. And that's what I considered "healed". I have never really forgiven him per se, because I don't feel the need to, for myself. If he came to me and sincerely apologized and ASKED for it, I maybe could say that I had. Shoot, he just told me that the other woman and he are getting divorced. The immediate post-breakup me would have thrown a party to celebrate the wonderful news. And thrown it in his face every chance I got. But the three-years-past-the-fact me felt a little bad that he was going to have to go through the pain of a breakup and offered to keep our girls an extra weekend so he could start to process the situation. I felt better about sincerely being concerned for his well-being as a fellow human being than I've felt about anything in a long time. I'm finally free of any bitterness from what he did. So I guess I've forgiven him, I've never thought about it really. Edited February 13, 2015 by ZiggyZoo
darkbloom Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I am struggling with forgiveness myself. I think I am trying to forgive myself more than anything. In any relationship before my current ex, I have usually gone straight to anger and then after awhile indifference and then forgiveness. I have a lot of compassion and understanding for why people do the things they do and the emotions that spark them. And we CHOOSE to let people hurt us. Because people are going to do what they are going to do, the only thing we can do is choose how we react to those things and how we let them affect us. I let my feelings get in the way of my better judgement and my personal identity. I let someone have control of my emotions and allowed him to turn me into a person that I am not. I gave up my control in the name of 'love'. I forgive him for the terrible things he did to me. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for allowing it to happen. For continuing my delusion that people change and that things will get better. My strangest hope is that he will forget me. Everything about me and how I allowed him to treat me. (Not realistic, I know, but one can dream).
Recommended Posts