the_ohioan Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Hi everyone, I've posted here before about previous relationships and gotten great advice. My name was a little too personal so I've made a new account to try and get help with my current questions. I met this girl last summer, she is a friend of my bestfriend's SO. I could tell there was chemistry between us pretty quickly but she was dealing with a not so great breakup and having been through the rebound scenario before I wanted to keep my distance a bit. I saw her maybe twice a month when I went out with my bestfriend. We were always flirty but I still felt a bit of hesitance from her and my bestfriend's SO confirmed she was still kind of hung up over summer guy. No biggie. We hooked up during Thanksgiving break and started talking more heavily and sleeping together once or twice a week. I didn't see any red flags or signs that she might just want a FWB so I was a little more agressive. Over New Years we talked about what we wanted out of it and she said she wasn't quite ready to jump into something but she definitely liked me and could see it happening. Still felt pretty confident and at this point I'm sure I like her too. A few days later she sent me a text early in the morning saying she wanted to be my girlfriend. When I woke up we talked and decided to be exclusive. So far so good. So a few days ago she says she's sorry but her head's not in the right place, she's confused, feels rushed, etc. I try to see what she's thinking but she's vague, so I don't text her for a day and she starts hitting me with "So you're just not going to talk to me?" and "I don't want things to be like this." I tell her there's nothing for me in just being friends, find out what you want and let me know, etc. I'm busy as it is, so it's easy for me to avoid being clingy or text her too much. She maintains we just jumped in too fast and she felt rushed. She initiated the "being exclusive" talk though so that confuses me. She also doesn't want me to ignore her. She knows she can't give me what I want, which is a relationship, but she doesn't want me to leave. Is she just keeping me around? I think she does like me and my friend and his SO claim so too. Should I disappear for a few days and see how she reacts? TL;DR: Girl breaks it off, claims we moved too fast. Still wants to talk, gets mad if I ignore her, says we're 'more than friends' but apparently didn't like the boyfriend/girlfriend label.
Jessie1231 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 She sounds like she's just stringing you along. You said it exactly right yourself - she doesn't want to be your girlfriend but does seem to want you to want her as your girlfriend. I wouldn't just back off for a few days, I would back off for good. She sounds like she's just playing games with you. 1
Mrin Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I'll defer if some women chime in here as I think they'll give you a better read on what's going on in her head. But I'd pull back for a few days. Don't be distant or hostile with her when she reaches out. In fact, when she reaches out to you react with confidence and warmth. But make her do the reaching out. I'm just applying my Y chromosome addled brain here but I think what is going on is that she's nervous about being hurt again and her brain is chewing on itself as a defense mechanism. She's tossing up walls and shields left and right because she's feeling vulnerable and that scares her. I mean, Summer Guy threw her for a loop and she was in real pain. She knows that the _vast_ majority of all romantic relationships end. And all she can think of is how it is going to hurt like hell if you do what Summer Guy did to her. And she is wondering if she has the strength to absorb another blow like that. You can't talk her shields down. She has to want to drop them herself. The best way to do that is for her to realize, "I feel better when I am with the_ohioan than when I'm not". I mean, isn't that the litmus test we all have? That when we are with the Other Person we feel happier. More at ease. More secure. More confident. More loved? More able to love? More alive? More [insert yummy human emotion here]. And that my friend is what gets her comfortable to drop the shields and be vulnerable. That it is worth the risk. Worth the possible or probable pain. But you know what? It is living and I'll take being alive any day of the week regardless of the costs. Okay, so there you go. Let her do the contact but when she does contact you, be warm. Be confident. Make her feel special but not in a pandering sort of way. Fill her up with all those yummy human emotions. Best of luck! Mrin
Author the_ohioan Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I'll defer if some women chime in here as I think they'll give you a better read on what's going on in her head. But I'd pull back for a few days. Don't be distant or hostile with her when she reaches out. In fact, when she reaches out to you react with confidence and warmth. But make her do the reaching out. I'm just applying my Y chromosome addled brain here but I think what is going on is that she's nervous about being hurt again and her brain is chewing on itself as a defense mechanism. She's tossing up walls and shields left and right because she's feeling vulnerable and that scares her. I mean, Summer Guy threw her for a loop and she was in real pain. She knows that the _vast_ majority of all romantic relationships end. And all she can think of is how it is going to hurt like hell if you do what Summer Guy did to her. And she is wondering if she has the strength to absorb another blow like that. You can't talk her shields down. She has to want to drop them herself. The best way to do that is for her to realize, "I feel better when I am with the_ohioan than when I'm not". I mean, isn't that the litmus test we all have? That when we are with the Other Person we feel happier. More at ease. More secure. More confident. More loved? More able to love? More alive? More [insert yummy human emotion here]. And that my friend is what gets her comfortable to drop the shields and be vulnerable. That it is worth the risk. Worth the possible or probable pain. But you know what? It is living and I'll take being alive any day of the week regardless of the costs. Okay, so there you go. Let her do the contact but when she does contact you, be warm. Be confident. Make her feel special but not in a pandering sort of way. Fill her up with all those yummy human emotions. Best of luck! Mrin Mrin, Thanks for the response. I like what you've said and I think backing off a bit will give us both time and a little space to think about what it is we want. I've done No Contact in previous situations and I think with this girl I'd like to let her realize for herself whether she's ready to take that step again or not. Thought I like her I'm not going to compromise my own priorities and emotions to try and get a decision from her.
d0nnivain Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 She sounds like she does not know her own mind. Until she figures herself out you will have a devil of a time trying to understand her. If you'd like to keep seeing her, tell her to set the pace. Then sit back & let her.
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