Not over my X-GF. Broken up for 7 months, last contact 2 months ago.

[charlielove]

Hi Everyone! This is my first post on the forum. I've seen some really good feedback from all the members so I'm excited to take part in some good discussions. My X-GF and I were together for 2 years. At the time we got together, she was actually living in California while I was in Miami. The chemistry and love was so real, we planned for her to transition down to Miami and move in with me. After about 6 months of long distance dating, she moved to Miami with me, where we spent the next year and a half together. I am not going to lie and say that we had nothing but great times. It was an extreme and passionate relationship that consisted of really really amazing times, and some really bad fights as well. Most of the fights stemmed from jealousy and insecurity issues that my X-GF had. She had a rough upbringing. She never met her biological father, and her step father of 10 years abandoned her when he left for another woman. I understood her mental state and where the issues came from, but I reached my limit at times, which lead to some huge fights. There was no reason for her to act out like she would. I never cheated on her or hit up other girls on the side. I did have some history with some girls that she didn't like, but that was before us. Throughout our relationship she would constantly throw that in my face, especially when we would go out and drink. Looking back, it was mostly bad situations that brought out the worst in us. Whenever we went out with friends to clubs or parties and had a few drinks, it would lead to a huge fight 8 out of 10 times. It got a point where I closed myself out and took out my anger and frustration on her. I would ignore her for days at a time and did some hurtful things in the process, mostly emotional abuse. At one point I even said "I'm not happy in this relationship right now", which was the truth at the time. My main issue at that time was my lack of communication. I didn't open up and speak openly. Instead, I shut myself out and practically ignored her.... which was the worst thing I could have done.

 

It got to a point where she decided she had enough. She was crying every day. One day she said enough is enough, and she moved out to her friend's house. After having a few days to really assess the magnitude of the situation, I tried reaching out to her and talking but she was having none of it. She practically ignored me for weeks, while leaving all of her belongings in our apartment. One of her first days out as a "single" woman, she met somebody who she proceeded to sleep with and eventually make her boyfriend. They are currently dating, and it still makes me sick to my stomach. It's a lot more complicated than this... Throughout the first 6 months of our breakup, we linked up on 5-6 different occasions and had sex. During each of these encounters, it was just as passionate and great as it ever was, while we were physically together on that given day. However, the days and weeks after we would meet, she would slowly cut contact with me and then go on to ignore me. While together, she tells me things like "I love you and I just want to move out of Miami with you, escape the drama of this city, and be with you" or "You're the one person in the world who makes me feel safe". But the days after, it's almost like she consciously convinces herself not to be with me. She says "The trust is gone, you did too many hurtful things, I am not sure I can get over the past".... and I kind of get it. What has made this whole break up that much more difficult is the constant linking up at random times, where she's given me false hope and reminded me how much I really love her. I realize my mind was in the wrong place before when we were together, and I put too much emphasis on things that didn't matter... like going out, drinking, and partying. Now I just stay home for the most part, work out, watch TV, and take care of my self. Not to mention she had a horrible and stressful job while we were dating that took a toll on our relationship. Now she's moved to a stress free job where she sets her own hours.

 

Part of me cannot let go of her. I miss her smile, her face, her smell, our conversations. We would call each other best friends, and now I've lost my best friend. I would've loved a second chance to try again, knowing what I know now.... and both of us being in the situation we are now. Looking back, I'm hurt more by the fact that throughout the random "hookups" we had over the last 7 months, there was another guy in the picture on and off, who she's currently dating. I don't even want to begin and express how I feel about the guy. To say he's undeserving of a girl of her caliber, is an understatement.

 

I'm at a crossroads. Part of me just cannot let go of her. I've dated multiple girls over the last few months but none of them come close to making me feel the way she did. I know I'm also being selective with my memory, only choosing to remember the good times. We had some huge fights, and her trust issues really took a toll on me. I also hate how she manages to move on so quickly. She's the kind of girl who always seems to be dating somebody, and I really do not like that. I believe it stems from her insecurity and upbringing. There is no reason in the world she should be insecure... she's beautiful and does quiet well for herself financially. She always looks for reassurance from others.

 

Sorry for going on a rant, but this is the right forum to vent. I'm over talking to my friends about it, so figured I'd share my current emotional state here. It has not been about 50 days since we say one word to each other. I completely cut all contact the day she put up a photo on Instagram with the guy she is now dating. That was essentially the straw that broke the camel's back. To this day, I get a lump on my throat even looking at a photo of her with the new guy. Part of me feels like I will never be able to be in a serious relationship with her again, after she's been dating this guy. I'm not sure I will be able to ever get over it. At the same time, I cannot get over her.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Elle1975]

I can't help thinking that you wouldn't be where you are if you had started your nc 7 months ago. Your break up is 2 months old, in a way.

[Ralph79]

No offense but your xGF doesn't seem to have her life together.

 

You seem like you've got a grip on things, other than the fact that your life was turned around by this girl.

 

I suspect she has issues which ultimately have you hooked on her. Maybe this might prove an interesting read for you:

 

LOVING A BORDERLINE - Inside the BPD Odyssey

 

Read it. If you can relate to it, maybe it can lead you to a path were you can truly begin to heal.

 

If that's not her, then I apologize for the misunderstanding.

[SayHelloGoodbyeGirl]

So I read your post and feel your pain. Somewhat similar situation here — breakup 6 months ago, 2 year relationship, NC for past 60 days. It was turbulent. We had some amazing times, but as time wore on, we couldn't see eye-to-eye and argued a lot. I think the intensity/turbulence, though clearly not a good sign in terms of relationship health, can sometimes make it harder to move on.

 

But what I want to tell you is this. Even if you take out the personal ick factor of her and this guy (BTW if you're still looking at their picture, stop, bc you are not truly NC), the fact that she could move on in a heartbeat like that is a terrible sign. My ex did the same, and what I realized was, you can profess undying love all you want, but if you move on a nanosecond later, something is drastically wrong.

 

It doesn't have to be a BPD issue (though it could be), but it is clearly a sign of her NEEDING someone in her life. Can't be alone. That's not healthy. If she can idealize you one minute, she can devalue you the next like yesterday's trash. That's not love. It's her unhealthy version of it.

 

Part of taking off the rose-tinted glasses is being more realistic about your ex. Your post is full of self-blame for the failure of the relationship, but it takes two to tango and she is not who you thought/think based on her present behavior.

[questionsforthenouns]

Man, I can relate to 99% of your post. Here's how:

 

My ex and I had a wonderful, blissful relationship but also with lots of bad fights, mostly stemming from her insecurity and jealousy over things that happened before we dated, which were almost always brought to the surface when we would go out and drink. She had no real relationship with her biological father, and step fathers would come and go. She has the need to be with somebody at all times, i.e. she validates her personality and life by being with other people. She moves on quickly after relationships end. She is beautiful and smart but terribly insecure due to her past. Sound familiar?

 

I'm in the same boat as you man, and I know it sucks. My ex moved on so fast. So f**king fast. People like your ex and my ex are lost. They aren't comfortable in themselves. And they hurt a lot of people so that they can be at ease in the short term.

 

I know you miss her but you have to see that the relationship wasn't healthy. No matter how many good times you had, in the big picture, it wasn't right. Her actions are not justified. I know exactly how bad it hurts, but you just have to move on and move forward. Because there are so many beautiful girls out there that won't treat you like this. And I try to tell myself the same thing. Best of luck bro

[charlielove]

Thanks for the great feedback everybody. It really helps to get unbiased opinion from outside people that have no stake in the situation. As much as it hurts, I know what I have to do... and that's move on. Too bad it's easier said than done.

[Chi townD]

Dude, 2 months is no time at all in the grand scheme of things. That's just a drop in the bucket and you are NOT in true NC. You're looking at her instagram. Therefore, looking through her social media is getting a glimpse into her current life. That's not NC!

 

 

You sound like a guy that has way too much time on his hands. You need to start making positive changes in your life. You need to get new hobbies, join clubs and groups, get out there and meet new people or go back to school. Get out and travel! Go see the world! Keeping busy is the key! And the best revenge you can get is living a damn good and adventurous life!

[charlielove]

ChitownD, I hear you. I actually stay pretty busy most of the time. I work daily 9-6, then hit the gym 6-8:30. Most nights I have dinner with friends. I stay busy on the weekends riding bike, longboarding, being outdoors... It's funny you mention travel, I actually have a 3 week trip coming up in less than two months. I'll be going to Vegas for a few days, then Fiji, New Zealand, and Australia. It should be a trip of a lifetime.

 

My mind runs wild during my downtime, i.e. before going to bed, watching TV on the couch. But just to be clear, I'm living my life and I'm doing it well. I have a great core group of family and friends, I enjoy being social and going out, I meet lots of women, I'm in the best physical shape of my life, and I have a very successful career as an Engineer. It's not like I struggle to get out of bed. I feel like I've made some great strides over the last few months, but it still hurts at times and I still miss her. The times that are really difficult are when I CHOOSE to think about her. I will even be so dumb to pull up old pictures just to see her face. I know it's dumb and definitely doesn't fall within NC guidelines. I will stop doing that... I guess it's just harder for me to let go, compared to most people.

 

Thanks again beautiful people. This has been really helpful.