Ran into OM's mom at the store.

[autumnnight]

thinly veiled.

 

Yeah, basically any comment that goes on about how great the BH, the OM's mom, etc are without one word about CD's progress or changes speaks loud and clear. If I didn't miss it, I know she didn't either, and she is a better person than me, cause I'd have HAD to be snarky. I'd have been.....furious.

[Furious]

Yeah, basically any comment that goes on about how great the BH, the OM's mom, etc are without one word about CD's progress or changes speaks loud and clear. If I didn't miss it, I know she didn't either, and she is a better person than me, cause I'd have HAD to be snarky. I'd have been.....furious.

 

Nothing snarky is seeing that CD has nothing but good to say about her ex mother in law and the no drama her ex mother in law has shown shows that there's no need for adding salt to the wounds. She's a class act, and she's shown CD that she has no ill will towards her.

 

Seems, some folks are disappointed that people can move on in a healthy way.

[LifeWasted]

I think its arrogant for her to assume, however, that her soon to be xH is not bothered by her dating another guy so soon after their breakup. Believe me it does bother him.

[katielee]

Eventually, the route we choose guides us home.

 

What a great quote!

[CaliGypsy]

I think its arrogant for her to assume, however, that her soon to be xH is not bothered by her dating another guy so soon after their breakup. Believe me it does bother him.

 

She never presumed anything. She said they were on good terms. They split up and are dating other people. How they choose to do this wasn't the topic.

 

I understand your first instinct to move far away CD, however I think you were wise to rethink and consider moving to the town that your family lives in. I've spent the last two years going through a divorce and it's been that much harder living on the other side of the country from my family.

[HereNorThere]

I think its arrogant for her to assume, however, that her soon to be xH is not bothered by her dating another guy so soon after their breakup. Believe me it does bother him.

 

To be fair, he's had since 2013 to get used to the idea of her dating other people. I'm sure after 2 years, it's not nearly as shocking.

 

It's definitely been enough time for both of them to move on. I'm happy to see they are both doing well. Let's hope they've both learned a few lessons and apply what they've learned to their new relationships.

[irishguy]

You sound abit paranoid thinking everyone is talking about you . Im sure your not the first cheater in that town .Like the saying goes "you wouldnt worry about what people think of you if you realised how seldom they do".

[compulsivedancer]

You sound abit paranoid thinking everyone is talking about you . Im sure your not the first cheater in that town .Like the saying goes "you wouldnt worry about what people think of you if you realised how seldom they do".

 

I'm not worried about everyone talking about me. I just had a very visceral reaction when I ran into OM's mom a couple months ago. While I doubt she's going around talking about me, or even thinking about me, I doubt seeing me brings up anything but negative associations.

 

I wish there was a way to apologize or explain myself, but the reality is that would likely be unhelpful and akin to picking at old scabs, two years after the fact.

 

The second time I saw her, the reaction was not as intense, and I managed to forget her for much of the meal, while avoiding her so that I wasn't rubbing my presence in her face.

[merrmeade]

CD, I admire you for moving forward and for ignoring the thinly veiled digs.

 

I wish you the best.

Oh, good lord. You'd think national politics doesn't give us enough blind partisanship. So tired of this.

 

If there's any misinterpretation, it's the result of projection - not back-biting - which we ALL do or have done at some point. It's hard not to with such volatile subject matter. It's everyone's worst tendency and what makes it hard for OPs really in trouble identify what's helpful and what's irrelevant.

 

CD should be everybody's interest with no vendettas or partisan camps stated or implied.

 

Rereading your original post, I tried to figure out what the triggers are and how bad. It's not clear.

She said hi, I said hi. I bought my stuff and left as quickly as I could.

 

Both H and H's mom sent her messages after DDay to inform her of the A. Before we were even sleeping together, she suspected and had words with OM about it. After DDay, when H posted something on FB about OM being a "thief and a liar," she wrote him a message asking if he knew whose bed I was sleeping in at night.

 

Road was right. I'm leaving this town. I don't want to drive by where he works, or places we had sex. I don't want to run into him or his family. I don't want to date and have to avoid places because I might run into My STBXH.

 

I just want to start over somewhere with no history or memories. With more opportunities and less stress. I hope such a place exists.

So what I see is that you ran into OM's mom and were triggered, remembering the snarky AWFUL, REPREHENSIBLE post she put on FaceBook. Honey, you did NOT deserve to be publicly humiliated; no one does. This is not the 17th century and we do not do scarlet letters. And what a b-tch! and terrible parent to imply that you must be a slut who sleeps around and, therefore, the cause of the A—certainly not her son because he's got her pristine morals! She should be publicly shamed herself for such gross cruelty when she's supposed to model the 'high road.' I'm so sorry that happened, CD! Now, THAT is a trigger. And I do not see how anyone could've gone from there to this:

Nothing snarky is seeing that CD has nothing but good to say about her ex mother in law and the no drama her ex mother in law has shown shows that there's no need for adding salt to the wounds. She's a class act, and she's shown CD that she has no ill will towards her. Seems, some folks are disappointed that people can move on in a healthy way.

HUH?????

 

So maybe people aren't reading carefully or maybe you could just give more information. I mean. I think I get it. I certainly know that is the reason my sister-in-law OW is my trigger. She said all kinds of snarky things about me and to me in her desperate need to deny and exonerate herself. When you're in the awfulness of post-dday pain, whether BS, OM, or WS, everybody is hurting and disoriented and those kinds of barbs go straight in, making long, long-lasting wounds that awake bleeding and stabbing like new when you see or even anticipate seeing the person that threw them.

 

So I said all that heady idealistic stuff about exposure-response prevention. But, honey, you live there. It is completely different. If you need to get away to save yourself, I can totally understand.

[merrmeade]

I'm not worried about everyone talking about me. I just had a very visceral reaction when I ran into OM's mom a couple months ago. While I doubt she's going around talking about me, or even thinking about me, I doubt seeing me brings up anything but negative associations.

 

I wish there was a way to apologize or explain myself, but the reality is that would likely be unhelpful and akin to picking at old scabs, two years after the fact.

 

The second time I saw her, the reaction was not as intense, and I managed to forget her for much of the meal, while avoiding her so that I wasn't rubbing my presence in her face.

Well, now, there you go. THAT is a class act in my opinion and you were it!

 

But there's more: You really need to unpack these incidents - either here or in IC. You have to say it out, explain it and really lift it out of yourself, however.

 

First of all, we are talking about an older woman, a parent (you guys were or are in your 20s during the A, right?) so the relationship responsibilities are gray and overlapping here. You are not responsible for everyone's actions! Hers - shaming you on FB - were evil; she should be apologizing to you! Do not dare explain yourself to her. You have every right to feel offense. She was being unfair to blame you and to do so publicly. It's worse than childish. It's certainly not the action of a loving parent.

 

I felt the need to explain to my SIL for 2-1/2 years. I finally got to the bottom of HER—her (shared with my H) narcissism/martyr complex, co-dependency, blame-shifting. I mean I finally had to let go the completely wrong ideas I'd had about her for years and BELIEVE that her mind twists reality and she manipulates. She's evil and bad for me.

 

OM's mother sounds like an awful person that will not consider reality, never blames herself or her family. You do NOT explain to people like that.

 

Second, you say that maybe you do not want to stay there, that you really do want to get over all of it and move on. Well, you sort of are getting over it! Look at it. The 2nd time you saw her wasn't so bad.

 

However, I'm concerned that you're 'letting things go' for the wrong reasons.

 

Look, you have processed this affair and yourself up the wazoo (in a good way). You have done it. You are not only remorseful but you are clear-eyed about what happened, why, what (and who) was wrong and it's not a simple story. Keep your priorities and clarity about what's important - first, second and third - in front. Do not be intimidated but do not be arrogant. Just be clear inside. I think you've graduated. Yesterday's adults are now your peers and you will hate yourself later for giving OM's parent any margin of grace whatsoever. The ONLY question is how to live YOUR life in dignity from here on out. Go forward, shine and be proud of your understanding and maturity. You have it all over her.

[compulsivedancer]

Thanks, merrmeade.

 

Thankfully it was a private message to my BH, that he probably shouldn't have shared with me. It stung primarily because I WAS falling for OM and he was only the second person I had ever slept with. That doesn't make my betrayal of H any better, and in many ways makes it worse. However, it does not suggest that I'm a bed-hopping temptress out to corrupt her son, either. I don't think she intended me to see the message; she was directing it at BH after he called her son out as a thief and liar publicly on Facebook.

 

I think Furious may have been referring to H's mom, who I AM on good terms with.

 

It did get easier to see her from the first time to the second time, but that doesn't change the fact that part of moving on with my life is going to a city that has more opportunities for me and away from this part of my life.

Edited April 20, 2015 by compulsivedancer

[merrmeade]

Thanks, mermeade.

 

Thankfully it was a private message to my BH, that he probably shouldn't have shared with me. It stung primarily because I WAS falling for OM and he was only the second person I had ever slept with. That doesn't make my betrayal of H any better, and in many ways makes it worse. However, it does not suggest that I'm a bed-hopping temptress out to corrupt her son, either. I don't think she intended me to see the message; she was directing it at OM after he called her son out as a thief and list publicly on Facebook.

 

I think Furious may have been referring the H's mom, who I AM on good terms with.

 

It did get easier to see her from the first time to the second time, but that doesn't change the fact that part of moving on with my life is going to a city that has more opportunities for me and that will allow me to move on.

Oops.... You did say "she wrote him message," referring to your H's post.

 

Whoa, guess who's confused... Sorry, Furious.

 

Well, isn't a little outrage on your behalf always a good thing?

 

It's heartening to read your ownership of what's yours as well as her out-of-bounds remark.

 

Shall I ask Moderation to remove my two previous LONG and confused posts? I don't mind....

[autumnnight]

Honey, you did NOT deserve to be publicly humiliated; no one does.

 

Merr, I think you are such a good hearted and sweet person that you don't see others' intent at times. For example, your above sentence....you'd be amazed at the number of people who would completely disagree, who believ e that everyone who cheats, whether relative, friend, or stranger, should be as publicly humiliated as possible for a long as possible.

 

You're just too good a soul to think that way, which is one of the reaons I like you so much.

 

CD, I think it was classy too, the way you tried to make sure SHE didn't feel awkward, worrying about how she might be triggered.

[compulsivedancer]

Shall I ask Moderation to remove my two previous LONG and confused posts? I don't mind....

 

Lol, please don't! I think those are the nicest things you've ever said to me! All joking aside, there was some good stuff in there.

[merrmeade]

Awww, that was so sweet, autumnnight! CD... I'm blushing.

 

But (I know this is tj-ing - just for a second) I'm actually relieved to realize that I am fully 'out' on this forum. Guess we know each other pretty well in the end, so it's like life. If we think we've messed up or confused things, it's okay with the people who really know us. Even better if those are also the people who love us. Well, maybe that's not such a universal (the getting things confused part - may not really be a "we"). Pffft.