Ex is seeing someone

[canal]

Hi,

 

I hope I am posting this in the right place. I just need some help and advice on what to do and how to cope. I'll start of with my story first.

 

Basically my ex and I got together in June 2014 and we were together for a month. The first 2 weeks were amazing. We were happy, talked and laughed lots and had great sex. It was around 2 weeks into our relationship that he suddenly became depressed mainly due to family issues, but later on he told me partly was also because of me because he was putting a lot of expectations on himself. He doesn't talk to me like he did when we were still friends because he said since our status is different now he didn't want to say things that might hurt me. That made me really sad and I really wanted my friend back. I really care about him so I decided to give him his space and initiated the break up and it was mutual in the end.

 

We continued to be friends and we still see each other often and messaged each other every day. We even hooked up a few times afterward as well. Ihe seemed to be improving and becoming happier. I really wanted to ask him back but being me. I am really bad at confrontations and speaking up about my true feelings so i didn't say anything. I thought I was being really obvious that I still have feelings for him since I flirt with him etc still and I know he does too. We were both still really attracted to each other. During this time, he always mentioned that he is scared that the things we're doing will upset me and he really cherish our friendship. He even said that he sees me as someone who he will keep for life. (I guess a lot of guys says these kinda things but do they really mean it I dunno...)

 

Anyways, since December 2014, we started messaging less. Maybe once every few days but we still flirted once in a while and say naughty things to each other. So yesterday, he messaged me and told me that he has been seeing a mutual friend of ours for a week. I asked him if things were official and he said he doesn't know what will happen and said that "who knows, we might break up in next week coz things aren't working out or next month". He also said that there were 3 types of people in his life: lifer, friends, love interest and he said I was a lifer and that he doesn't see the girl he is with now as a lifer or having a future (since they are still so early on in their relationship). I don't really understand why he's saying all this to me. Is he being selfish and a jerk or does he really mean it and wants to see how I react?

 

I truly am happy that he is happy but on my end, I am extremely heart broken. Just thinking him doing all the things he did to me with the other girl throws me into bouts of anxiety. I cried the whole day and couldn't sleep at all that night and woke up crying again. He doesn't know how I feel coz I dun have the heart to tell him how I really feel in case he becomes upset. So right now I'm killing myself with the pain and I dunno what I should do.

 

Here are my questions:

Should I tell him how I'm feeling right now? My friends and sister are all saying I'm too nice and I shouldn't think of how he will feel and should just tell him how I feel. But my argument for doing this is that telling him how I feel provably wouldn't make me feel any better and I may regret saying anything afterwards since words once spoken cannot be taken back. Also I wanna be the bigger person and give them my blessing... But at the same time I'm in pain and coping with it by myself which my friends says it's not fair on my end

 

I had another advice from someone else... He said to me that he might be doing this to test me and if I really like him I should fight and get him back. I highly doubt it's a test and I feel like a **** stirer if I try to get him back now knowig that he is now with someone else.

 

My current plan is to distance myself from them, not attend any mutual gatherings, and just try to forget about him and them. But it is killing me coz I can safely say I love him and I dunno how to approach this. Would it make a difference if I tell him how I'm feeling right now coz he thinks I'm chilled and cool with it or would things get ugly and in the end, I would still feel hurt and in pain anyways? Of course I am still looking for reconciliation somehow (hence I'm posting in this part of the forum). Should I fight for him or should I back down?

 

Any advice would be much much appreciated.

Edited February 11, 2015 by canal

[darkbloom]

Hi OP,

 

I would say that you should tell him how you feel. That way you put the ball in his court. If he says, he wants to try out this new girl and he doesn't want a relationship with you then you should accept his decision and go NC. Otherwise, you will always be wondering if you had another shot with him. If he says he wants to try again with you, then you need to be really clear on your expectations and how you feel because you are in love with him. He can't go back into it thinking it's still casual.

 

I'm going to warn you, it's probably going to hurt like hell. But I was in the same situation that you were in and I didn't make our boundaries clear. I realized that because I was more emotionally invested in him, that I had to do what was right for me. Even if he thinks you're a lifer. If you can't honestly say that him with that other girl doesn't make you feel like dying. Then go complete NC. It's the only way to heal. You might be able to be friends with him again at a later time but not now because you are in love with him.

[canal]

Thank for you advice darkbloom. So I should just message him directly and tell him or should I meet up with him and tell him face to face? Or should I just wait for an opportunity to come and then tell him?

[darkbloom]

I would just text him and ask him to meet up somewhere like a coffee shop or somewhere you would normally go that isn't a meal or super formal. I would just tell him that you still have romantic feelings for him and that you would like to pursue a relationship with him still if he feels the same.

 

Crucial step here is listening. If he says something like I don't want a relationship right now then that usually means he's trying to let you down easy. You could also give him a few days to think about it. The most important part is do not beg, plead, or try to convince him out of his decision. Just simply tell him that you agree with his decision and that for you to be emotionally okay you would like to cut off contact with him. And then you have to do it. If he still wants to try a relationship with you that's great news! Take it slow!

 

I'm optimistic about you having a second chance with him. But just know if it doesn't work out that you'll be okay.

[canal]

That sounds like a good idea and I should do it sooner rather than later right?

But would it be appropriate since he is now with another girl and he seems happy? Like I said I don't want to be a **** stirer and cause problems...

[darkbloom]

I think sooner rather than later. You could even say that you don't want to interfere with the new girl in his life but you had to know if there was a chance for you. A week is no time at all to be with someone. And you don't know how he feels for you at this moment because you haven't asked him yet. If he decides he wants to keep the new girl since they just got together, that doesn't mean it's over for your chances with him. Either way, even though you're not confrontational, your feelings still matter. And you should be honest with him about it.

[canal]

Ok! So I should tell him how I feel and then ask him directly if we still have a chance to be together again. Coz at first I was planning to just tell him how I feel and maybe that will also convey the message that I want to get back together again. Would asking him out for happy hour be appropriate because I have to work during the weekend and we don't have any afternoons off at the same time.

[darkbloom]

Boys aren't really the smartest when it comes to picking up on things like that. I think you need to ask him if that's what he wants too. That way he has to give you an answer. Otherwise, if you say how you feel and just hint at getting back together he could misinterpret or he could lead you on for awhile. The hardest part about asking is being vulnerable. He gets to make his own choices so he could end up rejecting you. (Worst case scenario). If that happens just be gracious about it and wish him well with the new girl. But be firm on your feelings. Unless you want to hear about all of the things going on with the new girl you'll have to go no contact. It's taking a risk for sure but at least you will have an answer and know whether or not you had a shot with him.

 

I think happy hour is appropriate. If he rejects you though, make sure it's easy for you to leave so you don't have to sit there painfully. (I was rejected once at a fancy restaurant. He drove us there. Not only did he reject me, but then he had to drive me home. I wanted to curl in a ball and cry. But I couldn't. I had to make painful small talk until he dropped me off. Never again. )

 

He sounds like a decent guy. Hopefully you both can work it out.

[canal]

Haha boys are pathetic sometimes huh! Ok... I will ask him out for happy hour tomorrow and hopefully he will be free and accept that. I'll need to run the script through my head and see if it's appropriate. I really hope I won't get all emotional and start crying when I start talking to him. I shouldn't tell him I love him should I since it seems to be coming out too strong or at this point it doesn't really matter anymore?

 

Ouch! I'm so sorry to hear that. Must be an awful experience. Thanks for enlightening me with that.

 

Thank you so much for your advice! I will keep you updated on what happens (good or bad)

Edited February 11, 2015 by canal

[canal]

Can I get 2 more opinions from you Pls?

 

1) when I ask him out, should I mention that I want to talk to him about something?

Should I say

 

"hey, are you free for hh tonight? Just you and me. There's something I want to talk about"

 

Or just leave out the last bit about talking?

 

2) I quickly drafted out what I want to say to him... Do u think this is ok? I am so nervous and don't want to screw this up

 

"During this half year, I've really got to know u a lot more and I've seen the best side of U, the worse side of U, the nice side of u, and the naughty side of u and I've really fallen in love with every aspect of it. I didn't realise this until the other day when I let all my emotions surface out. I just want to give it a shot and c if there is any chance we can start anew"

 

What else should say?? I decided not to mention that I am in pain and my heart hurts right now coz it's negative and I dun want to involve anything negative. What do you think?

[darkbloom]

I wouldn't tell him you love him. I would keep it simple in case he rejects you. I guess it would depend on how you think he will take the wanting to talk to him part. For me, I've never had a positive conversation with we need to talk. But that's just a personal experience. It might work for you though. Just go with your gut feeling on that one. I think it's fine if you script it out a little in your head. But it's okay if you go in and you forget what you were going to say. Just remember to be honest and straight forward with him. I would deffinately try not to get emotional and cry if you can help it, although I know it's hard.

 

I think you're going to be fine. You're being brave and taking a shot for something you want. Remember if it's meant to be, it will be.

 

I'm so excited to hear how it goes. Just remember. Breathe. Don't panic. I always wear a ring when I have a tough conversation so I can channel my nervous energy into it. I focus on the ring if I get emotional and try to keep it together.

[canal]

Well... I talked to him. Got rejected coz he said he can't multitask which I guess it means he can only concentrate on the new girl right now and can't answer what he feels about me. I mean things ended well and it's all mutual understanding. So I guess it's time to start coping and move on.

Thanks for your help darkbloom!

[darkbloom]

I'm sorry girl! He sounds like a really nice guy. Maybe you'll link up in the future! At least you gave it a shot and I'm proud that you told him how you feel. I'm on month two after being rejected and I feel so much better about myself. I really do.

 

Keep me updated on your situation. I want to know how it turns out for you!

[canal]

I'm proud of you too for recovering with flying colours from the rejection!

I will definitely keep you up to date with my progress. Funny though I haven't shed a tear yet. I am not ok but it doesn't feel as bad as I thought so far. But we'll see what it's like through out the day.

[darkbloom]

I only allowed myself to cry the first day it happened. Afterwards, I thought never again with him. I picked myself up. Heard through the grapevine that the ex is miserable and I know our mutual friends have been telling him how awesome I am doing. Success is the best revenge.

 

When you get your post count above 50, you'll be able to have personal messaging and you can message me on here anytime. It helps me feel better knowing there are people out here going through what I'm going through and I can connect when I've had a rough day.

[canal]

I cried yesterday but I feel better today and have yet to cry at all. At least I can say I've tried and although it wasn't the answer I was hoping for, it was expected and now I know what he's thinking in terms of reconciliation (he stil couldn't answer me how he feels about me tho) I feel like I've got a closure and can truly move on. The only tricky thing right now is to try and not think of the two of them together having fun and the possibilty of them starting to become intimate.

 

Wow!! Feeling excellent and being able to pick yourself up again must be an excellent feeling!! I want to work towards feeling that!

 

I agree with u too. Reading other's stories makes u feel that U are not alone and everyone's been through similar situations and most people are able to make it through and make their life even more awesome.

Ok! I'll try to get my posts up to 50 and when I do, I'll PM U for sure! You hang in there as well and stay strong! We are here to support each other!

Edited February 14, 2015 by canal