linds1226 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 First let me give a little background to what happened the previous month and where I am now. My now husband and I worked together at the same office. This is how we met. We worked together for 3 yrs before I left on maternity leave and never returned afterwards. For these 3 yrs this one girl never made any attempt to be my friend or my husbands friend. We'd say hi in passing but that was the extent. There was no hate just not friends. This girl is also known to get around and aggressively went after a married man in the office (he was my friend so i know this as fact and not just office rumors). I also happened to hear her talking to her friend that she found my husband attractive (they did not know I was in the bathroom stall). So I leave and a week or so later she's being all buddy buddy with him. Starts having conversations with him at his desk. A month later they're facebook friends. Now my husband never adds anyone on facebook unless your great friends. I had to physically ask him to add me back when we became friends because he keeps his profile hidden. It bothered me because why now? why wait til I leave to now become friends with my husband? it just seemed shady to me. So a couple months later during a heated fight about something else it burst out of me about his new found relationship with her. It then became a screaming match over and and he actually wound up calling me a whore over it when I implied something was going on. A month later he admitted she had joined him and his friends for lunch but that it was only one time and hadn't happened again. So I thought it was over and done with..whatever it was. Last month I made a lunch date with him for our 1 month wedding anniversary (cheesy i know but i was still in newlywed bliss). While we're there his normal group of lunch friends come in and she's with them. The wheels started turning in my head that she still goes to lunch with them. Now again..we all went out to lunch everyday for 3 yrs and not even once did she ever join us/our group. I ate lunch in piece. When he got home I asked him if she was still joining them for lunch. He didnt answer me. Now i really put two and two together. He finally answered and said she started going to lunch with them a few times a week and he didnt feel it was important to tell me and that I do not need to know everything. Now this is where I feel deceived. He knew how much it had upset me. He knew i didnt like it. Yet when the facts of the situation changed he didnt tell me. I feel like he lied by omission. If i had never invited him to lunch that day and it didnt happen to be at the same time they went to lunch I still would have no idea. I asked him over and over and over to please stop going with her and he refused. I'm not the jealous type at all. he has other girls that are friends outside of work and at work and they do not bother me at all. This girl just gives me a bad feeling. I feel the timing of everything is completely shady. Call it intuition. I've cried hysterically in front of him telling him how much this bothers me..how much it hurts me..how betrayed i feel and how i feel deceived and lied to. It makes no difference. He still refuses to not go to lunch. He thinks if its a group that its not a big deal. Heres the next coincidence...he used to ask me out to lunch. He's now stopped. For months he hasn't asked me. If i text or call him on his lunch break, he doesnt answer me. If i ask him to call me real quick on his lunch, he wont. He claims he did nothing wrong and im just irrational over nothing. He didnt lie he didnt deceive me and hes doing nothing wrong. So guys and girls, opinions please. Am I irrational or does this whole situation just seem off. Should he stop going? Am I crazy for feeling the way I do. I welcome all ocmments just be civil please.
Mr.D.E.B.T. Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 If he is changing his behavior and your intuition says something is wrong, you should be concerned. That doesn't mean you should jump to any conclusions because it could honestly be nothing. If he doesn't respect your wishes, don't drive yourself crazy about it. You can't prevent him from doing anything he wants to do. The best thing for you to do is stay out of your head and let the truth come to light. His inappropriate behavior will be revealed in due time if it is occurring.
Winterina Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 His behaviour is indeed suspicious. More importantly, he does not give a damn about what you feel. He lied. And calling you a whore over something like that... or over anything at all... this I cannot even comment, its that bad. If this is what is happening in the first month of your marriage, guess what will come later. I do not think he respects you and I think you should pick up and go. At least temporarily while you figure things out. Sorry you are going through this. If you stay with him things will get worse for you. I would give him she or me ultimatum if you don't want to leave him just yet. Limit contact to only what is necessary for work and that is it. No private talks or lunches together. A man that loves and cares for you should have no problem understanding how his hanging with the office slut that finds him attractive and lying to you about it would upset you to the core. Does not fit the profile of someone who cares about his relationship with you.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Now again..we all went out to lunch everyday for 3 yrs and not even once did she ever join us/our group. I ate lunch in piece. When he got home I asked him if she was still joining them for lunch. He didnt answer me. Now i really put two and two together. He finally answered and said she started going to lunch with them a few times a week and he didnt feel it was important to tell me and that I do not need to know everything. I'm going to say two partially contradictory things - - You're over-reacting. He's not having inappropriate one-on-one meetings with her, a bunch of people from the office are going out together and she's one of them. According to you, this tradition of group meals has been a place for some time. Your screaming and hysterical crying must have some other agenda - is it really about this? - If you were my wife and this upset about it, I'd stop doing it. Whether your position was rational or not, if it meant this much to you I'd respect your opinion and wishes. Mr. Lucky 6
BeatsByDirk Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I think he's not behaving completely appropriately, it was a lie of omission since he set up another precedent previously. I also think if you were my wife I would find you annoying and start pulling away too. As someone who just had a child, my wife pushed it too hard with being a crazy pregnant bit** and it's been tough buying back in. This sounds more like a power struggle. You have some mostly baseless fears and are trying to dictate his actions. Him giving in now set a precedent you have a say in who he associates with even if you aren't around. I hate doing something just because my wife "feels" a certain way if the logic behind the feelings isn't very firm. If you don't think he's going to cheat with her and you just feel she's shady and has alternative motives but you aren't giving him the space to handle it, if it even comes up, on his own then you are showing distrust and he could resent that. It feels more like, I feel uncomfortable, you should just do this for me because I asked, since you are not I feel slighted but. . . I don't think you get all of what your asking entails. He either has to confront her and kick her out of the group which will make him look like a pu**y at work or he can just remove himself from the group and give up probably the funnest part of the work day and in return he gets to talk and text with you about your boring day at home with the baby(I'm at home with two kids now, I love them but I miss adult interaction during the day...kinda boring!) 1
Author linds1226 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 I'll also add in that when we worked together he was seeing someone else and then got engaged. All the while behaving in appropriately with me. We talked 24/7. We went out by ourselves at lunch. We went out after work. We had highly inappropriate conversations. So yes there is a precedent that if she does go aggressivley after him then what? And if something happens now he has to continue to work with her and i just have to sit home and be okay with him being with this girl 9 hrs out of the day when he already lied about not going to lunch with her anymore. would he even tell me if something else happened? Also I'll add, I have a child from a previous relationship who is 5.5. The way we co parented is that whenever he came to see her we'd all go out togther. I see nothing with him. I simply went out to hang out with my daughter and watch her have fun. There are 0 feelings with us and nothing has happened between us in i dont even know how long since we broke up 5.5 yrs ago. We had become simply platonic co parents. And it was my only day of the week i actually got out of the house. Like you said while we love our kids..it is boring with no adult interaction. THat being said he told me it bothered him and that he didnt like it. without even arguing i said ok ill stop. Now this is something like i said went out way before him and he knew about when we got together. But then he wanted me to change something i had always done. Now he's doing something after were married and wont change it. 95% of my friends were all male friends. I simply get along with them better. But he doesnt want me to hang out with them anymore because he feels its wrong. 1
BeatsByDirk Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 What OP said in her last post clears up a lot. I would tell him that much. I would tell him. You have a history of office romance and being inappropriate at work while in a relationship. You've already told me that it was a one time thing when it wasn't, that's a deception. When you asked me not to spend time with my ex or friends I've complied but when I've asked the same of you, you did not show me the same courtesy. This situation bugs me, I won't bring it up again, but. . . I expect you to do something about it, if you do not there will be consequences both intentional and unintentional. Furthermore, if you feel I'm not understanding, if this makes you mad, Its based in history and fact so if you want to get angry, get mopey, pull away instead of discussing it and coming to an agreeable compromise(yes I'm willing to make compromises) it could be interpreted as your waining interest in our relationship. Good luck, this sucks, just having a baby is so hard, all you want is for the family to get closer but it seems like for me and many of my friends that this is when the challenge comes in trying to connect and unify. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I'll also add in that when we worked together he was seeing someone else and then got engaged. All the while behaving in appropriately with me. We talked 24/7. We went out by ourselves at lunch. We went out after work. We had highly inappropriate conversations. So you're hoping that this new woman doesn't do what you did, go after him while he's in a committed relationship ??? Mr. Lucky 3
sandylee1 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) So you're hoping that this new woman doesn't do what you did, go after him while he's in a committed relationship ??? Mr. Lucky I was thinking the same thing Mr. Lucky. So did he get engaged to this other woman? And you got with him prior to, during or after his engagement? Did he cheat on his Ex with you? Is that why you are especially worried about this knowing what he is capable of? If so I can see why you are rather nervous about this situation, because you are aware he can be tempted away from the person he is with. That said, he married you, so he should be committed to you. I think Beats gave you really good advice up above. He didn't like you interacting with your daughters father and you stopped it. Marriage is about compromise and he doesn't seem to be compromising much here. Good luck. Edited February 12, 2015 by sandylee1 2
stillmind Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Whether or not you are overreacting, his contact with her makes you uncomfortable. As his wife you are well within your rights to ask him to cease eating lunch with this girl and unfriend her. I've dropped a platonic acquaintance that made my husband uncomfortable, I'm pretty sure tons of married people have. I insisted my husband drop a female coworker that was suspiciously friendly before and he did no questions asked. Once in a while people pop up that give off bad vibes, it happens. It's NOT worth ruining your spouse's peace of mind to go to lunch with a work acquaintance. I think it's suspicious that he refuses to drop her. 2
sandylee1 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I've cried hysterically in front of him telling him how much this bothers me..how much it hurts me..how betrayed i feel and how i feel deceived and lied to. It makes no difference. He still refuses to not go to lunch.* ^^I can't understand why he would carry after the above. It's like your feelings don't matter to him amber that is what I find worrying. If it were me I'd start interacting with your daughter's father again. There is nothing like a taste of your own medicine, but that's just me. I'm very much a no nonsense person. If it's good enough for you, then it is for me too. 3
Author linds1226 Posted February 13, 2015 Author Posted February 13, 2015 So I talked to him again last night, again explained why I felt how I did..both bc of who she is and the fact he lied by omission. I asked him again not to go the days she goes. That it really bothers me. That it's hurts. That I should come first. His response was "I did not lie. I didn't see it as important information you needed to know. After all I do there is no reason not to trust me. I will,not take attendance before going to lunch or walk away if she us there. You cannot control my life". After going back and forth for awhile I said fine compromise...if you know in advance she is going then you don't go. If you don't know until you're already there then you owe me the decency of at least telling me she's there. His response "no I'm not adding anymore stress to my life and that's exactly what that will do". So,even after a compromise he still refuses. He refuses To acknowledge he deceived me. So when I tell him I'm not putting up w it and I'll leave he tells me that if I want to throw it all away then do it because he's not living life with a gun to his head and he's not doing anything nor did he do anything wrong.
OMC Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 His reaction is pretty much the same as mine would be.
minimariah Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) So guys and girls, opinions please. Am I irrational or does this whole situation just seem off. Should he stop going? Am I crazy for feeling the way I do. I welcome all ocmments just be civil please. he should stop going, yes. i don't get it - if something upsets and bothers you, why is it such a problem to STOP going to those lunches if they don't mean anything to him? also, the way he told you that you don't need to know everything and the way he attacked you as a form of defense... not a good sign, sweetie. talk to him again, be calm and composed and tell him just how much this bothers you and try to find a solution that will keep you both happy. your happiness should be a priority to him, you should be his number one. don't settle for anything less. do not settle for a man who won't even try to find a solution, who'll tell you "you can't control my life" when you express how bothered and upset you are. you don't have to lie to be dishonest, you know? you should be way more important than those lunches. i am sorry you're going through all of this but i will give you one advice - always listen to that gut feeling, to your intuition. it very rarely fails. Edited February 13, 2015 by minimariah 1
sandylee1 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 he should stop going, yes. i don't get it - if something upsets and bothers you, why is it such a problem to STOP going to those lunches if they don't mean anything to him? also, the way he told you that you don't need to know everything and the way he attacked you as a form of defense... not a good sign, sweetie. talk to him again, be calm and composed and tell him just how much this bothers you and try to find a solution that will keep you both happy. your happiness should be a priority to him, you should be his number one. don't settle for anything less. do not settle for a man who won't even try to find a solution, who'll tell you "you can't control my life" when you express how bothered and upset you are. you don't have to lie to be dishonest, you know? you should be way more important than those lunches. i am sorry you're going through all of this but i will give you one advice - always listen to that gut feeling, to your intuition. it very rarely fails. I think the OP has explained how much it bothers her. You can't force him to understand and I feel that you are feeling this way because you know how things played out with the two of you before you got married, when he was engaged. It's now about what you are prepared to put up with. Keep dropping over for lunch when you can and make your presence known. See if there is any visible chemistry between them. It might be nothing at all, but it's your feelings that matter here. In this situation if my H didn't consider my point of view, then I'd think stuff that and get into self protection mode, by preparing myself for whatever happens. I would suggest you try and take care of yourself, get out now and again in the evenings, do more things for yourself, look after yourself. He's prepared for the marriage to end because of this co-worker? I don't get it at all. His behaviour would make me start detaching emotionally because of the fear of getting hurt. You can only control your own behaviour, but get strong and get some financial independence. You never know what the future holds. Maybe he just wants you to trust him, but that trust works both ways.You spent time with your daughter's father and he didn't like that. You stopped because he didn't like it. That wouldn't go down well with me at all. I know this is different, but because of your H's history it's more worrying. Have you thought about letting him know about the conversation you heard in the bathroom, where she spoke about your H? That could give him more of an insight. I'm sorry for your situation. 1
Quiet Storm Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 I think he is just being himself and doing what he does...flirt, lie and be sneaky. 4
sandylee1 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 You cannot control my life". I'd say the above to him regarding your interaction with your daughter's father. So when I tell him I'm not putting up w it and I'll leave he tells me that if I want to throw it all away then do it because he's not living life with a gun to his head and he's not doing anything nor did he do anything wrong. When you say this and pretty much give ultimatums, you should be prepared to go through with it, otherwise no future ultimatums will be taken seriously. Try trusting him, but cautiously and see if he gives you any other reason to be worried. 1
Author linds1226 Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 He actually knows because I told him that's one of the reasons I don't really trust her. Like if she was just this innocent girl who found him attractive that's one thing but I know who she is. I know how she behaves. I know she has no remorse for going after a married man. His response to that was "lots of guys find you attractive" but am I hanging out with them? No. 1
sandylee1 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 He actually knows because I told him that's one of the reasons I don't really trust her. Like if she was just this innocent girl who found him attractive that's one thing but I know who she is. I know how she behaves. I know she has no remorse for going after a married man. His response to that was "lots of guys find you attractive" but am I hanging out with them? No. OP You know it's best not to get too stressed about this, it could be a lot of worry about nothing. You have a little one to think about as well and you'll go crazy stressing yourself out. It would be nice if he told you that he's not interested in her, that may help to reassure you somewhat. Like with lots of these situations you need to look at the whole picture and if he isn't giving you any reason to be suspicious, then maybe you should just let it go and place some trust in him. I tried to flip this round and think how I'd feel on your husband's position. I'd think he didn't trust me not to fall prey to this man they found me attractive. I'd think he thought I was weak to fall victim and that would probably annoy me. No matter how much another person pursues you, it CANNOT turn into anything more if you knock them back. Although this woman worries you, it should be your H that you can trust not to cross the line. At the end of the day, there will always be people like her around. You can't do anything about that, you can only trust and hope the person who married you will honour their wedding vows. It's also about looking at the whole of your relationship. If everything else is going well, if you get on with each other and interact well then maybe you don't have anything to worry about. Keep posting and take care
Realist3 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 So I talked to him again last night, again explained why I felt how I did..both bc of who she is and the fact he lied by omission. I asked him again not to go the days she goes. That it really bothers me. That it's hurts. That I should come first. His response was "I did not lie. I didn't see it as important information you needed to know. After all I do there is no reason not to trust me. I will,not take attendance before going to lunch or walk away if she us there. You cannot control my life". After going back and forth for awhile I said fine compromise...if you know in advance she is going then you don't go. If you don't know until you're already there then you owe me the decency of at least telling me she's there. His response "no I'm not adding anymore stress to my life and that's exactly what that will do". So,even after a compromise he still refuses. He refuses To acknowledge he deceived me. So when I tell him I'm not putting up w it and I'll leave he tells me that if I want to throw it all away then do it because he's not living life with a gun to his head and he's not doing anything nor did he do anything wrong. What you are doing is pushing him towards her. Stop being so insecure. 1
elaine567 Posted February 15, 2015 Posted February 15, 2015 So when I tell him I'm not putting up w it and I'll leave he tells me that if I want to throw it all away then do it because he's not living life with a gun to his head and he's not doing anything nor did he do anything wrong. Never say you are going to leave unless you really mean it and are prepared to pack your bags and go. Here he called your bluff, and now he has one up on you, because he knows he can do what he likes at lunch with this girl, and you will not leave. 2
HereNorThere Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 He was be having an inappropriate relationship with you in the same manner as this woman, so of course you should cautious. However, you married this man knowing full well that he is not a faithful person, so it's probably not fair to hold him to the higher standard of being loyal. His infidelity is just part of his personality type. There's just too much history there to make any other assumption. These are not isolated incidents; there's a pattern there. If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. There really isn't much you can do about and it shouldn't be so offensive or surprising. Protect yourself from STDs, get into counseling and protect your child from him. Unless you plan on leaving, this is the life you have to prepare yourself for. 2
MuddyRock Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 What you are doing is pushing him towards her. Stop being so insecure. This is coming from a cheater. personally it sounds like this guy is already in an emotional affair. Time to get a VAR in the car. (Voice activated recorder) I having been there would make sure to call this chick and tell her about what you heard in the bathroom. 3
Author linds1226 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 He has told me he's not interested in her in that way. but the thing is he told his last fiance the same thing about me. Like hes never given me a reason not to trust him until now. he's always been one of those guys who told me everything. i never even have to ask..he just used to share all details of everything with me. thats just who he is. but then he never told me about this and he knew it bothered me so thats why it feels like he was trying to hide it for other reasons.
Author linds1226 Posted February 17, 2015 Author Posted February 17, 2015 here nor there...while i understand what u are saying and that is true in a lot of cases. some ppl do make 1 mistake and are not serial cheaters. im not saying tha tin denial of anything or that im at all niave. I've dated serial cheaters who i kept giving more and more chances and i can tell u the personality is like night and day between the two. im confused at the part where you say i need to protect my children from him? I'm not sure what u mean by that or what they would need protecton from?
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