ascendotum Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Why is it acceptable in our society to body shame women and tell them to "go to the gym" if their partners fail to find value in them when they don't have perfect bodies? How reasonable would it be for a woman to become less attracted to a man who didn't make as much money as he used to, for whatever reason, and she encouraged him to start "making more money"? This entire thread is a travesty around some men feeling entitled to specific body types and not growing enough to see women as HUMAN BEINGS, not preludes to his personal desires. Women don't demand that men be the soul bread winners anymore. Time for men to stop with their demands around women's bodies. In the OPs case her bf is not body shaming her. She may feel that way because he doesn't want to jump her body as much and is complementing her less, but I very much doubt he is doing it deliberately. She doesn't have to go to the gym, if she can do some other forms of activity to burn up the excess calories she is consuming, or she can change her diet. She doesn't need to acquire a perfect body, just get back the one she had when he fell in love with her. she wont be expected to have that body for the next 50 yrs but I bet her bf would want it longer than just the first 6 mths. Someone else made a post about all the women in porn having perfect & very low bf bodies...no they don't. Go to free site named after a rodent and have a look at the women in the top rated clips. Many definitely not perfect size 0. It not about men feeling entitled, its about what men desire...the same line women use when it comes to guy's and height. The OP can disregard that and continue to put on weight if she wants, in the relationship or when single. If she is single and continues to put on weight she will find its not just her bf who will flirt with her less, which I am sure she realizes and was a factor in her losing the weight after she broke up with him. I have had weight issues and very much noticed the difference in womens friendliness at the different times. Likewise I also noticed the different levels of friendliness across women with different body types, so it goes both ways.
xxoo Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Why is it acceptable in our society to body shame women and tell them to "go to the gym" if their partners fail to find value in them when they don't have perfect bodies? How reasonable would it be for a woman to become less attracted to a man who didn't make as much money as he used to, for whatever reason, and she encouraged him to start "making more money"? This entire thread is a travesty around some men feeling entitled to specific body types and not growing enough to see women as HUMAN BEINGS, not preludes to his personal desires. Women don't demand that men be the soul bread winners anymore. Time for men to stop with their demands around women's bodies. Attraction isn't reasonable. It sounds like the OP's boyfriend is being supportive and loving, but is less attracted. Using your analogy, I do think many women would lose attraction (although not necessary stop being supportive and loving) if their male partner lost all motivation to earn a good income.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Attraction isn't reasonable. It sounds like the OP's boyfriend is being supportive and loving, but is less attracted. Using your analogy, I do think many women would lose attraction (although not necessary stop being supportive and loving) if their male partner lost all motivation to earn a good income. And let's be real. When the man gets fitter and in better shape, the woman naturally wants him more, too. 5
Author seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 By no means am I putting blame on my bf but sometimes it's frustrating because I want us to be active together but he hasn't shown the effort. We'll go to the gym at different times due to our work schedules but on the weekends I would want to hike, ride bikes or workout at the gym together but he hasn't wanted to when I've asked. He works really hard and I get that he wants to completely relax on his off days but it makes me feel a bit unsupported at times. I don't complain and pressure him, I just go on my own. And no, I'm not being "fat shamed" at all. My bf hasn't done or said anything to make me feel bad intentionally. I've just noticed how my weight gain has affected our level of intimacy and it saddens me. I take full responsibility for the fact that I've gained the weight and know I need to lose it for myself.
Diezel Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Why is it acceptable in our society to body shame women and tell them to "go to the gym" if their partners fail to find value in them when they don't have perfect bodies? How reasonable would it be for a woman to become less attracted to a man who didn't make as much money as he used to, for whatever reason, and she encouraged him to start "making more money"? This entire thread is a travesty around some men feeling entitled to specific body types and not growing enough to see women as HUMAN BEINGS, not preludes to his personal desires. Women don't demand that men be the soul bread winners anymore. Time for men to stop with their demands around women's bodies. Are you sure you are in the right thread? Or are we projecting here?
The Mighty Quinn Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Yeah. Perfection. If only.... That argument is known as reductio ad absurdium. One good reason is that if you start eating together, skinny is more likely to turn to fatty than the other way around. Your kids too. It's survival of the fittest and self-preservation, not to mention looks. Oh, and it goes both ways. Then why comment if you find my argument to be drivel. Women are routinely critcized about their weight. If even your own bf/husband can't accept your body, then you got a pretty superfacial problem on your hands. No one demands a man make more money to keep his lady happy. FYI, money is just as much about "survival of the fittest" and "self-preservation' as anything else. It's just asn attractive quality as looks.But women don't sit around demanding their partners make more of it so that he can up the attractive notch. And no, it really doesn't work both ways. It's disproportionately something women are routinely targeted for.
Woggle Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Then why comment if you find my argument to be drivel. Women are routinely critcized about their weight. If even your own bf/husband can't accept your body, then you got a pretty superfacial problem on your hands. No one demands a man make more money to keep his lady happy. FYI, money is just as much about "survival of the fittest" and "self-preservation' as anything else. It's just asn attractive quality as looks.But women don't sit around demanding their partners make more of it so that he can up the attractive notch. And no, it really doesn't work both ways. It's disproportionately something women are routinely targeted for. Plenty of women demand this and many also want a man who is tall and fit. I am not saying that a man shouldn't accept a woman as she is but let's not act men are the only shallow ones who have conditional love. 3
endlessabyss Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Plenty of women demand this and many also want a man who is tall and fit. I am not saying that a man shouldn't accept a woman as she is but let's not act men are the only shallow ones who have conditional love. This. You don't have to search too hard through this forum to find countless threads of guys who didn't cut it due to height, or whatever said qualifier. Just go to the rant section, there is a thread going on about beating biology. Some guy got rejected because he didn't have particular "masculine attributes", like height and facial hair. 1
Woggle Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 This. You don't have to search too hard through this forum to find countless threads of guys who didn't cut it due to height, or whatever said qualifier. Just go to the rant section, there is a thread going on about beating biology. Some guy got rejected because he didn't have particular "masculine attributes", like height and facial hair. I also have seen plenty of men fall on financial hard times and were dumped because of it. 3
EgoJoe Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 The only unconditional love that exists IMO is sometimes between parent and child. That being said OP. More fellatio and a lifestyle change. Simultaneously. He is being supportive without straight out saying that your weight is a factor. Give him some credit for that. If I missed anything important I'm sorry. This seems like a minor issue. Unless he's avoiding sex it's a regular relationship problem. 1
Mangina Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 And let's be real. When the man gets fitter and in better shape, the woman naturally wants him more, too. Real doesn't work on this forum. Really anything real no matter how true is denied. 1
ktya Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Anyone been in my shoes? Or have been in my bf's shoes? What are your own experiences...thoughts? I've been in his shoes, although the weight gain was a lot more than 30 lbs (more like 80). In his situation its a conundrum. He doesn't want to bring up the weight gain because he knows it will make you feel bad and no way he can bring it up wont cause you pain. The whole, "hey lets go for a walk together" or other offers of exercise that may be suggested is kind of not fair because you do not mention that he is gaining weight so its unfair for people to expect him to go and do exercise as a "soft suggestion" to motivate you. If you bring it up to him he will probably minimize it so as to not hurt your feelings. I myself had to lose 80lbs once, I am 5'6" and I got up to 215 lbs, way too heavy. My advice to you, and this comes from experience: 1. There's a website called calorie-count.com (it got bought by about.com so you'll have to find it). Use it, because it really works. It helps you identify a calorie target and in the beginning its brutal because you have to change the foods you eat so you arent starving, but its a helpful exercise and it will change your diet forever. I lost most of my weight that way, with little physical exercise and just a major change in diet. Exercise helps too. You can track that on there as well. 2. You might bring up that you've been feeling shoddy about your weight lately and that you are going to work on it and would like to ask for his support. Even if he minimizes his feelings about your weight, make sure you have some concrete things he can do to help. If he is feeling annoyed about your weight but wants to say nothing to spare your feelings then he will likely be all over assisting you. 3. Even if you are feeling down, try to pretty yourself up most days. We all need a day to loaf but dont let your insecurity about your weight stop you from doing so. My ex did and it was awful, most days I didnt want to touch her with a ten foot pole. By pretty yourself up I mean get up, take your shower, do your hair and makeup, shave your legs, etc. Biggest is diet. Buy a scale. Weigh yourself each morning after you pee. Track your progress somehow, either on calorie count.com or on paper or using a spreadsheet. You will see your progress it will motivate you. Now... onto your bf 30 lbs is not a huge amount of weight, unless you are quite short. If he is losing interest in you and you are over 5'7" tall it may not be the weight at all. It might be simple complacency, he's got the girl so why keep wooing her. Some of this is a normal part of relationships. Some of this may just be the way he is. Some of this may be your behavior. One thing I have experienced with former girlfriends is that they dont initiate. Im not at all knowing if this is your problem but you can do a bit of navel gazing and see for yourself if it is. Its nice when a girl sees you sitting on the couch, unzips your pants and goes down on you without warning - once in a while. Its nice when a girl says to you, "I want to f*ck you right now" and reveals she's wearing no panties - once in a while. I keep repeating "once in a while" because it can also get to be too much too, its good to keep it interesting. Sometimes, in my experience, I have lost the "zest" for showing affection or making the move simply because it's become either monotonous or too much work. The rubbing, the cooing, the trying to get her in the mood. Sometimes it becomes taxing in and of itself, with all the foreplay and afterplay and post coital. Sometimes, it feels great to just get sex for the sake of sex because sex is fun. I'm not sure how you and he tend to initiate, but I find many girls get into this same rut, sitting silently hoping we will make a move and trying not to come across as slutty and making us work for it. Your not a slut if you love him and give him easy quick trashy sex once in a while. To put it into context, I had a girlfriend once who was pushing 3 and a half bills. Certainly much heavier than you are if your concerned about 30 lbs. But that girl would wake me up with a BJ most mornings, pounce on me and just go for the gold. As much as she wasnt my type, the sex was frequent and incredible. It didnt last long because she was right nutbar, but it was the initiation of sex that kept me going longer than I should have, I should have never even slept with that nutbar in the first place. But after my previous ex, who made me always put in the 20 minute grind to get her clothes off and would never try anything new it was refreshing. Something else I will suggest, caveating your own personal choices, is anal sex and swallowing. No man expects anal sex all the time. There's no love in spitting. But you might read up on how to do it and try it with him if you haven't already. If you have never done it and he has either never done it or not done it in a long time, you might just drive his desire through the roof just because you offer it to him. But if you are going to try the anal thing please for the love of God read up on it buy a ton of lube and do it right because while it can be very pleasurable for the girl if done right, it can be downright awful and painful if done wrong. I dont want you racing off and having an awful time with him in my name. I've given several girls orgasms that way. I dont understand how it works that a girl can have an orgasm like that but it can and does happen. Hope all of this helps. Sounds like you really love this guy. :-)
wb1988 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Quit dieting. Use the gym to walk on the treadmill. Low heart rate regular exercise helps you lose weight as you are not at 'training' heart rate level. Training heart rate level will fold on to your bod as it is because it thinks you need the extra fat stores. Give up diet foods, eat when you are hungry and stop when you feel full (under the highest part of where your lowest ribs come together). Learn to leave one morsel on a plate, then another, etc. I lost 3.5 st doing this in 2003. I have only put on and then lost a maximum of 7lbs ever since. I never weigh myself now but I know how my clothes feel. I reckon I weigh about 8st 2lb just now. I will check it in the morning now that I have guessed it. No!!!!! You'll never lose serious weight that way, and if you do it will take forever. Diet is 70% of weight loss, I've lost 3.5st (wow you still use stone) in 7-8 months with just dieting alone. Why is it acceptable in our society to body shame women and tell them to "go to the gym" if their partners fail to find value in them when they don't have perfect bodies? How reasonable would it be for a woman to become less attracted to a man who didn't make as much money as he used to, for whatever reason, and she encouraged him to start "making more money"? As a guy that's lost/gained weight I know that women are just as discriminating as men, especially if it's about a guy that's got a great bod one year then suddenly doesn't the next. It's not about being reasonable or fair. My aunt divorced my uncle specifically because he made far less money after the property crash. I feel that all wives in general seem to tell their husbands to make more money in some way or form. I'm in my 20's and the big difference is that guys today are expected to be in great shape/aesthetics and wealthy as well, women at least get to only have to worry about their bod. OP, I'm also a yo-yo. Others may think it's odd that someone can loose 30 lbs and then gain it all back quick but I've been there and it's just as bad for us guys. It's not unreasonable for your bf to act that way because you gained it back quick, it's not like you gained it back over decades. Others that mention wrinkles, etc forget that happens over decades and so slowly that you barely even notice it happening; your weight gain is very different. 2
mortensorchid Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Having once been 40 lbs heavier than I am now, I can tell you that people treat you differently when you are fatter. Even long trusted friends and family members will treat you differently. There is also a mind/body connection : if you are eating garbage food it affects your physical and mental health in ways you don't realize. The bottom line is that even though there is all this talk today about loving your imperfections and loving your curves and things like that, no one really feels that way. The world isn't going to change, YOU have to change. And in this realm, it does affect your relationship in that way. I've met people who may nag their spouse / SO to loose weight, and when they do they aren't happy with them for doing it. That means they have to pay it forward somehow, and they don't want to pay it forward. I'm not saying this will happen to you as well, but do it for you not for someone else. 1
GemmaUK Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) No!!!!! You'll never lose serious weight that way, and if you do it will take forever. Diet is 70% of weight loss, I've lost 3.5st (wow you still use stone) in 7-8 months with just dieting alone. Actually, I did lose weight that way 3.5st (yes we still use st in the UK)in total and it took me from mid October to the beginning of March the following year, so about 4.5 months. I have also kept the weight off and maintained since using the same principle - for 12 years. Before I chose to quit dieting I had dieted and been a yo-yoer for almost 20 years. Always finding it tough to lose and always putting the weight back on again. I was at the time also with a partner who was naturally lean and I didn't need his support. It's my body and I did it for myself. Admittedly he wasn't ever less attracted to me over my weight. Edited February 12, 2015 by GemmaUK
Els Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 So, I've been with my bf for about 3 years now. We broke up for about 7 months but got back together early last year. When we broke up I lost about 30lbs and was feeling and looking incredible. When my bf and I started seeing each other again he was floored by my new body. Of course the high of us getting back together added to our connection but my bf was literally worshiping my body, showering me with compliments, etc. Honestly, based on the bolded alone, I think the R was over before you even lost the weight, let alone regained it. I've never known a successful LTR in which both parties broke up for 7 months. Chances are the love was lost when you broke up, but lust prompted him to return after that. Unfortunately, lust alone rarely sustains a relationship for the long term. I do think 30 lbs is a sizeable amount, but I think weight is just the red herring in this instance. The real question is why the breakup for 7 months, and who initiated it?
Toodaloo Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I'm feeling horrible I guess I'm just frustrated and feeling really down because not only do I feel terrible about myself These are the most telling statements in your post. Can I ask a question? Do you actually enjoy going to the gym? Are you enjoying the meals you are eating? The secret to weight loss is to find something you enjoy then you will keep it up! It is that simple. Be it through diet, exercising or a combination of both. Get out go for walks, paint your nails, get your hair done, refresh your make up, shave your legs, try new foods and look for foods that you can enjoy and have fun with that are not going to cause weight gain, go and try a new activity. As long as its fun and you feel good after it do it. When you feel bad about yourself you tend to do less and it all becomes a chore. Look after yourself, feel good about yourself, and the rest will all fit into place. Do not look for validation from him. Validation from yourself is far more important. If he can use a bit of tubbiness as an excuse is it really worth it? Your worth more than being a trophy girl. 1
The Mighty Quinn Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Look, I see a lot of people had issues with my comments so I'm not even going to address them because I'd have to individually address a lot of people. I will say this, what I am saying is TRUE. And what some of you had said in response is also TRUE. We can all see these perspectives from a different angle and even if they appear to be on the opposite end, they can all exist in the same space as holding truth. At the end of the day, no matter what other people are doing, you should be supportive, loving and caring of your partner. They are not there to fulfill your personal expectations. And if you see them that way, there may be something wrong. If you've been in a long term relationship with someone and you can only get excited over them because of their looks, then you really aren'te exploring the deeper side of your own humanity AND sexuality. Sex isn't just about having a good body. Even though that's the message society routinely gives. Especially too women. And while I am sure there are men that experience their own things where they have been bodied shame, the fact is men aren't held to the standard women are. If you are having issues with your partner because of gaining weight or loosing money, you need to look inside yourself to see where your values lay. As for the OP, your partner, making your body and looks around what your sex-life becomes dependent on is unfair to you and to him. Skinny hot people aren't the only people who deserve sex.
Author seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) I keep myself up. I haven't let myself go in regards to appearance (besides the weight gain) and grooming. My hair, nails and make up are always done and I always dress well. The problem is that I emotionally overeat and I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I've gained and lost weight my entire life. It's something that I really need to explore and solve. On a side note: My bf and I have hot passionate sex. The best he and I have ever had. It's just that I've noticed the decrease in frequency and it made me wonder whether it was due to the weight gain or something else. These are the most telling statements in your post. Can I ask a question? Do you actually enjoy going to the gym? Are you enjoying the meals you are eating? The secret to weight loss is to find something you enjoy then you will keep it up! It is that simple. Be it through diet, exercising or a combination of both. Get out go for walks, paint your nails, get your hair done, refresh your make up, shave your legs, try new foods and look for foods that you can enjoy and have fun with that are not going to cause weight gain, go and try a new activity. As long as its fun and you feel good after it do it. When you feel bad about yourself you tend to do less and it all becomes a chore. Look after yourself, feel good about yourself, and the rest will all fit into place. Do not look for validation from him. Validation from yourself is far more important. If he can use a bit of tubbiness as an excuse is it really worth it? Your worth more than being a trophy girl. Edited February 12, 2015 by seekingpeaceinlove
mightycpa Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 This is some of the worst advice you can give to a person who is trying to lose weight. Someone who is trying to lose weight absolutely cannot eat whatever they want, whenever they want, and especially not until they are full. That is what causes people to gain weight in the first place! You are to eat until you are no longer hungry, not until you feel full. Even then, if you eat quickly like I tend to do, you can overeat anyway. Yeah, I was going to respond but I didn't want to get into a whole thing about it in this thread. GemmaUK's advice ignores the false signals the body generates when it is losing weight. It feels like hunger, but it isn't. It is the body trying to replace unneeded fat. Disciplined eating is the only way many people can eat and maintain a healthy weight. 4
carhill Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Given the length of the relationship and that it included a breakup, my read is a combination of his style of attraction being predominantly visual and projection of feelings about their own struggles with weight by the OP into the milieu. IMO, it's all interrelated. Myself, having been married to someone who was clinically obese and fought her own battles with diet and exercise, I saw some of the vacillation of emotion regarding self-image and feeling attractive. She always was attractive to me and I did my best to support whatever choices she made to feel better about her physical appearance. However, and this may be the crux of the issue, my love and commitment didn't spring from aspects of physicality; it was the person. Perhaps that was due to being older, IDK. I can see traction for a visual man, one whose libido rises and falls with the shape of the hourglass and the size of the parts, finding libido wanting when those aspects fall outside of his range of what is attractive. That's perfectly valid. His compatible mate is one who interacts on that level in a compatible way. Is this guy the one? IDK. Regardless, my advice is to do what you do, whatever you do, for you. People come and go. Self-love and self-worth is for life and no one can give it to you or take it away without your permission. Good luck! 2
kendahke Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 on the weekends I would want to hike, ride bikes or workout at the gym together but he hasn't wanted to when I've asked. Time to go on the selfish tour. Stop asking him---ask one of your girlfriends to go. Or put an audio book on your iPod and go yourself. Stop waiting on him to join you if he's already not of the mind to do it. You really need to get off of putting your weight loss time table on his availability. You're going to keep frustrating yourself if you keep to this. He works really hard and I get that he wants to completely relax on his off days but it makes me feel a bit unsupported at times. I don't complain and pressure him, I just go on my own. and when you did this on you own when you were broken up, you lost the weight, right? A kiss on the forehead to him and out the door, girl! 1
Author seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Thanks but I haven't waited for him to join me in any activity. I'm exercising on my own and have been for a while. I was just saying that it would be nice if he would join me during the time that we're spending together to get active. After being turned down about 3 times on the bike ride request, I stopped asking. No biggie. 1
GemmaUK Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 GemmaUK's advice ignores the false signals the body generates when it is losing weight. It feels like hunger, but it isn't. It is the body trying to replace unneeded fat. Curious, personally here. Did I need or un-need an extra 3st 7lbs of fat then? That is what I lost and kept off all these years, I simply quit diet food which is unsatisfying and replaced it with normal food which keeps you satisfied longer plus I quickly learned to shrink my stomach. I used to be mentally consumed by what I could eat next. Now, I am relaxed about food. It's fantastic coming out the other side of diets - simply amazing!! 2
Author seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Thanks for your input, carhill. Though I'm not expressing my frustrations and complaining about my weight with my bf, I'm sure it's present in my interaction with him and I may not be conscious of it. You're right, though. I need to work on my self love and worth. I know women who gain weight and lose weight but they never question their worth or de-value themselves like I have. I need to be happy with myself so that I don't need to seek validation from others. Given the length of the relationship and that it included a breakup, my read is a combination of his style of attraction being predominantly visual and projection of feelings about their own struggles with weight by the OP into the milieu. IMO, it's all interrelated. Myself, having been married to someone who was clinically obese and fought her own battles with diet and exercise, I saw some of the vacillation of emotion regarding self-image and feeling attractive. She always was attractive to me and I did my best to support whatever choices she made to feel better about her physical appearance. However, and this may be the crux of the issue, my love and commitment didn't spring from aspects of physicality; it was the person. Perhaps that was due to being older, IDK. I can see traction for a visual man, one whose libido rises and falls with the shape of the hourglass and the size of the parts, finding libido wanting when those aspects fall outside of his range of what is attractive. That's perfectly valid. His compatible mate is one who interacts on that level in a compatible way. Is this guy the one? IDK. Regardless, my advice is to do what you do, whatever you do, for you. People come and go. Self-love and self-worth is for life and no one can give it to you or take it away without your permission. Good luck!
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