Gained weight, bf noticeably less affectionate

[seekingpeaceinlove]

So, I've been with my bf for about 3 years now. We broke up for about 7 months but got back together early last year. When we broke up I lost about 30lbs and was feeling and looking incredible. When my bf and I started seeing each other again he was floored by my new body. Of course the high of us getting back together added to our connection but my bf was literally worshiping my body, showering me with compliments, etc.

 

In the last year, I've gained back nearly all the weight that I had lost. I'm feeling horrible and it's been a struggle to get back on the wagon. I've noticed in the last month or 2 that our sex life has decreased a bit and the compliments and affection that he used to give me...has taken a nose dive.

 

Now, I'm left feeling even worse about myself and insecure about whether my bf is losing attraction for me. He does tell me once in a while that I'm sexy and beautiful but it's a huge decrease from before. I'm wondering whether it's because the high of us getting back together again has worn off or my weight gain is making him lose attraction. Maybe it's a combination of both.

 

I don't complain or whine about my weight gain to him and he has not mentioned anything about it to me. He knows I'm making an effort and asks me if I've gone to the gym and reminds me to eat healthy all the time. When I do tell him that I'm eating clean and getting exercise he tells me that it turns him on to hear that. I suppose that his cute way of encouraging me.

 

I guess I'm just frustrated and feeling really down because not only do I feel terrible about myself but it's even worse thinking that my bf doesn't find me as attractive and I feel it may be affecting our relationship.

 

I'm going to the gym 3-4 days a week but the problem is my diet. I am trying but haven't really hit my stride yet. I know exactly what I need to do to shed this weight and I know it'll take some time.

 

Anyone been in my shoes? Or have been in my bf's shoes? What are your own experiences...thoughts?

Edited February 11, 2015 by seekingpeaceinlove

[The Mighty Quinn]

Weight is a struggle for me too! I was skinny as a very little girl, chubby in my ackward years even though I played ton of sports and shed a lot of weight in my early 20s. I gained some back and completely stopped dating because of it. But you know what? I met a man even though I didn't feel at my best and he made me feel totally comfortable to be naked infront of him even though I felt bad about my own body. He made me feel very desirable. I would express my own frustration to him about my body and he was so supportive.

 

Your boyfriend is not very supportive. Relationships are not built around "only if you are skinny and hot." And if they are, something is wrong. I'm not saying that if you feel better at a certain size you shouldn't work toward it (I know I feel better when I was skinner) but the right people in your life should love you even if you don't have the perfect body.

 

We all get older, we get wrinkles, we gain weight, we loose hair in some places and it grows in other. Life should not be about how hot and skinny you are. Your relationship should not be about that either.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Go to the gym and workout -- can even go with your BF and make it an activity you can both enjoy.

 

 

He's not unreasonable to be upset you're gaining weight. For some people, dating someone who doesn't take good care of their body is a huge turn off. Plus when it comes to attraction the physical aspect is always there and doesn't go away.

 

 

 

 

EDIT: saw you mentioned in your edit you're going to the gym. Avoid getting fast food, maybe try weightwatchers or something where you can track your diet. Are you sure you're doing optimal workouts at the gym when you go for losing weight?

Edited February 11, 2015 by barcode88

[losangelena]

I think it's interesting that you were 30 pounds heavier when you were first dating (first three years). What did your BF say about it then? Also, what kind of physical condition is he in?

 

Edited to add: weight and dating are tough topics. For some people it's more of a priority than others, and it's important for you to be with someone who can understand/accept weight fluctuations, especially if that's an issue for you (I have the same issue).

Edited February 11, 2015 by losangelena

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Actually when we first met I was very fit and ended up gaining weight during the relationship. The relationship was rocky and we broke up bc of the constant fighting. So, after we broke up I threw myself into the gym to battle all the emotions associated with the break up and was eating healthy. We got back together again and bam...here I am back to where I was.

 

I know what I need to do but in the meanwhile, during this process of losing weight, how do I manage these feelings? I mean, realistically I'm looking at about 5-6 months before I get back to where I was.

 

Just feeling extra low today.

 

(Bf has an athletic figure naturally. He does workout about twice a week but he has a fast metabolism and can eat anything. He does try to eat healthy most of the time.)

 

I think it's interesting that you were 30 pounds heavier when you were first dating (first three years). What did your BF say about it then? Also, what kind of physical condition is he in?

 

Edited to add: weight and dating are tough topics. For some people it's more of a priority than others, and it's important for you to be with someone who can understand/accept weight fluctuations, especially if that's an issue for you (I have the same issue).

[GemmaUK]

Quit dieting.

Use the gym to walk on the treadmill.

 

 

Low heart rate regular exercise helps you lose weight as you are not at 'training' heart rate level.

Training heart rate level will fold on to your bod as it is because it thinks you need the extra fat stores.

 

 

Give up diet foods, eat when you are hungry and stop when you feel full (under the highest part of where your lowest ribs come together).

Learn to leave one morsel on a plate, then another, etc.

 

 

I lost 3.5 st doing this in 2003.

I have only put on and then lost a maximum of 7lbs ever since.

 

 

I never weigh myself now but I know how my clothes feel.

I reckon I weigh about 8st 2lb just now. I will check it in the morning now that I have guessed it.

[Diezel]

Use those feelings to get back into the gym.

 

This just isn't about him, it's about YOU. Why are you allowing yourself to gain the weight back? Did you get comfortable? I could understand if you were gaining it together, but understand that physical attraction is important as well... for both you and him.

 

You obviously did something right when you two broke up, but it seems like you get comfortable once you are in a relationship.

 

Trust me, he IS evaluating this when it comes to long LONG-term situations. But you also need to do this for YOU more than anything else.

[mightycpa]

I'm going to the gym 3-4 days a week but the problem is my diet.

 

From what you've written, the problem with your weight seems to be connected to being in the relationship.

 

Maybe you get complacent about your appearance in an RS, or maybe you don't carve out enough "me" time to keep yourself disciplined. Or maybe, he's naturally thin and you're not, and so when you do all that vegging out with him, you don't burn the necessary energy.

 

Maybe you just wasted away from heartbreak... who knows?

 

But the diet part is easy. Cut down on what you eat. When you find yourself craving and starving for food, start eating celery stuff. Save the tasty food for when your cravings abate. My guess is you need to put in more exercise time, less boyfriend time.

 

Now, what happens if you marry this guy and get pregnant? Better start thinking about that.

[Ruby Slippers]

Actually when we first met I was very fit and ended up gaining weight during the relationship. The relationship was rocky and we broke up bc of the constant fighting. So, after we broke up I threw myself into the gym to battle all the emotions associated with the break up and was eating healthy. We got back together again and bam...here I am back to where I was.

So you're in good shape without him, 30 pounds heavier with him.

 

Are stressors in the relationship causing you to overeat for emotional reasons?

[GemmaUK]

When you find yourself craving and starving for food, start eating celery stuff.

 

 

The bit I don't agree with..sorry MCPA.

When you are hungry eat what you want until full.

It doesn't matter what time of day it is as long as you only eat the next meal if you are truly hungry.

Eat what you want, Learn to shrink your stomach in the first week or two to allow less input.

 

 

PS. OP, the more weight you carry the higher your metabolism is. My guess is your man eats for fuel, not for comfort of any kind.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Enimga, that's what I was afraid of..his attraction has diminished. Which makes me really sad. I'm frustrated with myself and don't blame him for my feelings but I can't help but to wish I had a bf who was still very much in love and could still desire me despite the gain.

 

It's just a sh*tty feeling to hate my body and know that my bf probably hates it too.

 

Argh I got to quit with this self-pity and do what I got to do. I'll just have to suck it up and focus on improving myself...ignore everything else.

 

I have dated women that gained weight to the point where I lost most of my attraction to them. There really isn't much a guy can do in this situation. Being supportive sounds all well and good, but I have never seen that actually help. I wouldn't break up with a girl over a weight gain, not if I cared about her, unless that weight gain was very substantial. Otherwise, I suppose it is natural to react in the way your BF does. If the attraction has diminished, so will the sex life.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Ruby, you bring up a good point. I'm currently trying hard to analyze why I overeat and it's definitely emotional. BF is a single dad and he has his child every other week. I don't push to see him during the week with his son bc I want them to have their alone time. I do notice that I stuff myself snacking in the evenings the week we're not seeing each other. I think it's because I'm lonely and trying to fill that void.

 

Possible solution: Keep myself busy and not veg out on the couch in front of the TV. Maybe take a night class.

[Diezel]

Be honest with total strangers for a second.

 

Did you workout as hard as you did before?

 

Because, I see people who go 6 days a week, but aren't putting in as much effort. Hell, I've done that too. I'll admit it. I work out better with anger or some goal that motivates me.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Diezel, you're right. I don't seem to have the same intensity and motivation as I did during the break up. Even now, thinking about my man being not as attracted to me does not light a fire under my *ss like before. I feel more depressed than anything else and have no energy.

 

I literally have to drag myself to get to the gym. Not sure wth I need to do to flip the switch and get back that motivation.

 

I try to eat healthy but the issue is consistency.

 

I know the formula to getting fit and losing weight but the motivation isn't quite there and I don't know why.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Diezel, you're right. I don't seem to have the same intensity and motivation as I did during the break up. Even now, thinking about my man being not as attracted to me does not light a fire under my *ss like before. I feel more depressed than anything else and have no energy.

 

I literally have to drag myself to get to the gym. Not sure wth I need to do to flip the switch and get back that motivation.

 

I try to eat healthy but the issue is consistency.

 

I know the formula to getting fit and losing weight but the motivation isn't quite there and I don't know why.

 

Go to the gym and kick ass! Don't go halfway, make sure you feel the burn after you're finished.

 

 

Most people who have an intense workout have immensely increased libido afterwards

[CrystalShine2011]

I almost thought I wrote that thread myself, I know EXACTLY what you're going through....

I gained 15 pounds when last dating my boyfriend, and our intimate side dropped as well as the compliments. When we broke up, I lost 20 pounds and look better than ever. NOW, we are back together, and happy! But I worry about it everyday, and watch what I eat because I'm scared of going back there....

 

**We didn't break up because of my weight, I could just tell he wasn't as attracted to me...

[Ruby Slippers]

Like yours, my weight slowly fluctuates within a certain range depending on what's going on in my life and how motivated I am overall. When I'm pumped, happy, and active, I'm at the low end. And no surprise, when I'm unmotivated and inactive, I'm at the high end. I'm about in the middle right now, but using the first wash of spring to help motivate me back to being more active and pumped again. Went running in the sun today and it felt great!

 

Relationships definitely have an effect as well. I always try to eat healthy and stay active, but a guy with less healthy habits will tend to influence me in that direction, and vice versa.

 

You're going to have to find the motivation within. Rather than relying on your boyfriend's compliments about your body or lack of them, strive to be fit because of the benefits to yourself, independent of what he or anybody else thinks of you.

 

I prefer to be fit because I feel better, have more energy, am able to do simple daily tasks with greater ease, I feel on and ready to rumble, I look better, my clothes look better on, I can wear my slinkiest dresses and feel awesome, I feel more at ease and in charge when meeting with clients and prospects, I feel more confident and sexy in bed... the list goes on and on.

[Omei]

Sounds like when you worked out you did it for you and no one else.

 

The thought of working out so your boyfriend will be more attracted might not be reason enough for you. Maybe the relationship doesn't keep you happy enough and that's why you're more sleepy and depressed now after a seven month breakup working on things must be very emotionally taxing at times.

 

You have to find the will to do it for you again.

Edited February 11, 2015 by Omei

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Thanks all! What it all boils down to is the fact that I need be happy with myself. I'm not comfortable in my own skin so how can I be happy with anyone or anything else!

 

I'm going to ignore my negative thoughts and focus on improving myself and less on what I may think my bf is feeling about this gain. Worrying and stressing is waste of energy and incredibly unproductive. I know that once I get back on the horse and stay consistent I'll start feeling better pretty quickly.

 

Gotta remember: Get healthy for ME and me only.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

So, I've been with my bf for about 3 years now. We broke up for about 7 months but got back together early last year. When we broke up I lost about 30lbs and was feeling and looking incredible. When my bf and I started seeing each other again he was floored by my new body. Of course the high of us getting back together added to our connection but my bf was literally worshiping my body, showering me with compliments, etc.

 

In the last year, I've gained back nearly all the weight that I had lost. I'm feeling horrible and it's been a struggle to get back on the wagon. I've noticed in the last month or 2 that our sex life has decreased a bit and the compliments and affection that he used to give me...has taken a nose dive.

 

Now, I'm left feeling even worse about myself and insecure about whether my bf is losing attraction for me. He does tell me once in a while that I'm sexy and beautiful but it's a huge decrease from before. I'm wondering whether it's because the high of us getting back together again has worn off or my weight gain is making him lose attraction. Maybe it's a combination of both.

 

I don't complain or whine about my weight gain to him and he has not mentioned anything about it to me. He knows I'm making an effort and asks me if I've gone to the gym and reminds me to eat healthy all the time. When I do tell him that I'm eating clean and getting exercise he tells me that it turns him on to hear that. I suppose that his cute way of encouraging me.

 

I guess I'm just frustrated and feeling really down because not only do I feel terrible about myself but it's even worse thinking that my bf doesn't find me as attractive and I feel it may be affecting our relationship.

 

I'm going to the gym 3-4 days a week but the problem is my diet. I am trying but haven't really hit my stride yet. I know exactly what I need to do to shed this weight and I know it'll take some time.

 

Anyone been in my shoes? Or have been in my bf's shoes? What are your own experiences...thoughts?

 

The weight you gained is oftentimes called "Happy Weight". It means that you became comfortable in your relationship because you thought your boyfriend loved you for who and what you are and was attracted to you whether you were skinny or chubby. Unfortunately, physical attraction plays a major role in a romantic relationship; it shouldn't, but it does. Especially for guys.

 

The way he treated you and fawned over you when you shed 30 lbs. should've been your first indicator that he's most sexually attracted to you when you're thin. When you gained the 30 lbs. back and the compliments (and the sex) tapered off, that should've been your second indicator that your boyfriend was beginning to lose the sexual attraction he felt for you. Once in a while he tells you that you're "beautiful" and "sexy" and he tells you that it "turns him on" when he finds out you're working out at the gym. This is your third indicator that he is attempting to encourage you to lose the 30 lbs. you've gained as nicely as he can without discouraging you or embarrassing you.

 

In a perfect world, your boyfriend should be sexually attracted to you no matter how much weight you gain. But alas, we don't live in a perfect world. And for men, physical and sexual attraction to their mate (no matter how strong their emotional feelings for her is) is of paramount importance - it affects them visually and eventually, sexually. With porn and the media portraying all women as having the perfect hourglass figure, being a size 0 and having almost no fat on them, it's difficult for the average woman to live up to that standard. Some women have naturally fast metabolisms and they're genetically gifted in having beautiful and fit bodies, while other women work very hard at maintaining that fit body via hardcore exercise and dieting.

 

And, some women (sadly) never achieve or are able to maintain that beautiful and fit body, no matter how hard they try. And even if they work out religiously, eat right and watch their portions, they still will never get down to the weight that they want to and their body will never look as sexy and beach-worthy as they know men would like it to be.

 

But here's the thing: What you need to know and realize is that, if you want to lose the extra 30 lbs. that you've gained, you have to lose the weight FOR YOURSELF. For YOU! If you exercise like a gym rat 3 to 4 times a week, watch your portions and eat lots of protein, brown rice, fruits & vegetables and drink 2 to 3 water bottles a day - you have to do all of these things because YOU want to do it.

 

Don't exercise, diet and lose the weight so your boyfriend will be sexually attracted to you again. If he really loves you, he'll hang in there and keep on encouraging you as you go through this process for YOURSELF. If he's a Shallow Hal (a character from a movie with Gwyneth Paltrow & Jack Black) and only loves you and wants you sexually when you're thin, then you need to kick this superficial guy to the curb. I can understand if his sexual attraction for you has diminished; but his love for you should trump his hormones and if he sees you putting forth serious effort to lose this weight, he should stand by you. Notice I said he "should", not that he "will". Some men are truly shallow, while others are truly loving and caring. I don't know which kind of guy your man is - but, you'll find out as time passes on.

 

A way you can easily chart your progress is to keep an online PRIVATE journal EACH DAY of what you eat for breakfast, snacks, lunch and dinner. Also type what exercises you do each day & how many reps you do for each of them. It sounds like a lot of trouble, but it really isn't, it only takes a few minutes to type it out; and after a week goes by and you look at your journal, you'll be able to SEE what foods you're eating, how your exercise is going and if you need to make any adjustments to what you're eating or when (and how much) you're exercising. I've been doing this for almost 2 weeks now, and it's really encouraging for me to actually SEE my progress and to SEE the hard work I'm putting in to lose the weight....for MYSELF!

 

Good luck to you & God Bless. I wish you every possible good outcome to your hard work and endeavors!

 

~ BOZG

[MonWedFri]

Hello SeekingPeace,

 

I have been in your boyfriend's shoes with my ex-girlfriend of 3-years. She is one of the most beautiful girls inside and out I have ever known, but there were times that I thought she would just be A+ (as opposed to an A) if she just lost 10 pounds.

 

Eventually, about 1 or 1.5 years into our relationship, I said something to her about it and it really undermined her self-confidence and trust for a while, perhaps even for the remainder of the relationship. She was not fat by any stretch of the imagination, but I was just being picky, demanding, and immature. It's one of the biggest regrets of my life hurting her in that moment. Sure, I worked out with her and supported her, but in reality it was probably coming from a place of judgement and pressure--something no one needs.

 

Looking back and gaining some perspective, much of which happened as time went on but also particularly after the breakup, I realized the many undermining faults I brought to the great thing we had. Looking back, I love her and would have her any way she looked. Her sex appeal to me goes deeper than her weight, it comes from a desire to please her and to nurture the love I feel (felt) for her.

 

TLDR: It might bug your boyfriend, but the main thing for both of your happiness is for you to feel good about yourself. When you're intimate with him, if it's passionate, then he should have to complaints. If you are worried for your own health, set small goals--like 3 or 5 pounds. I regret bringing up weight into my past relationship.

[ascendotum]

Your boyfriend is not very supportive. Relationships are not built around "only if you are skinny and hot." And if they are, something is wrong. I'm not saying that if you feel better at a certain size you shouldn't work toward it (I know I feel better when I was skinner) but the right people in your life should love you even if you don't have the perfect body.

 

We all get older, we get wrinkles, we gain weight, we loose hair in some places and it grows in other. Life should not be about how hot and skinny you are. Your relationship should not be about that either.

 

I agree with enigma that being supportive does not really solve this situation in a relationship. If you are supportive, then your gf/bf feels like there is no problem and the weight keeps coming. Chances are the bf was supportive at +10lbs, and also supportive at +20lbs, but at +30lbs he is likely still supportive but can't lie and stay she's still hot anymore. Being supportive is one thing, but it does not change your physical desire & attraction for the person. Its independent of it. You can still love your gf as a person as the weight increases, but you wont desire sex as much. Its not a conscious reaction and its not done to teach the gf a lesson. Libido & arousal happens on a subconscious level. Yes we all get old & wrinkly and while you may still love your partner its love based on devotion not lust. That goes bye bye when you get old & wrinkly.

 

If she lost 30lbs before then I don't see why she can't follow the same protocol she did the first time. This lose weight when single then gain weight when in relatiosnhip scenario happens a LOT.

[The Mighty Quinn]

Why is it acceptable in our society to body shame women and tell them to "go to the gym" if their partners fail to find value in them when they don't have perfect bodies?

 

How reasonable would it be for a woman to become less attracted to a man who didn't make as much money as he used to, for whatever reason, and she encouraged him to start "making more money"?

 

This entire thread is a travesty around some men feeling entitled to specific body types and not growing enough to see women as HUMAN BEINGS, not preludes to his personal desires.

 

Women don't demand that men be the soul bread winners anymore. Time for men to stop with their demands around women's bodies.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Why is it acceptable in our society to body shame women and tell them to "go to the gym" if their partners fail to find value in them when they don't have perfect bodies?

 

How reasonable would it be for a woman to become less attracted to a man who didn't make as much money as he used to, for whatever reason, and she encouraged him to start "making more money"?

 

This entire thread is a travesty around some men feeling entitled to specific body types and not growing enough to see women as HUMAN BEINGS, not preludes to his personal desires.

 

Women don't demand that men be the soul bread winners anymore. Time for men to stop with their demands around women's bodies.

 

The same reason Women expect guys to be buff/fit/not overweight.

[mightycpa]

Why is it acceptable in our society to body shame women and tell them to "go to the gym" if their partners fail to find value in them when they don't have perfect bodies?

 

How reasonable would it be for a woman to become less attracted to a man who didn't make as much money as he used to, for whatever reason, and she encouraged him to start "making more money"?

 

This entire thread is a travesty around some men feeling entitled to specific body types and not growing enough to see women as HUMAN BEINGS, not preludes to his personal desires.

 

Women don't demand that men be the soul bread winners anymore. Time for men to stop with their demands around women's bodies.

 

Yeah. Perfection. If only....

 

That argument is known as reductio ad absurdium.

 

One good reason is that if you start eating together, skinny is more likely to turn to fatty than the other way around. Your kids too.

 

It's survival of the fittest and self-preservation, not to mention looks.

 

Oh, and it goes both ways.