Popsicle Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 A man contacted me on a dating site. His profile said he has been separated for 8 years. I don't undestand why someone would go that long without divorcing. Can someone explain this? Thoughts?
carhill Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Given how simple divorce is in my jurisdiction, I probably would not date someone in that situation, with the exception being if they were legally separated and their personal and financial affairs had been settled out, as is customary in a legal separation. They simply can't legally remarry and, at my age, that isn't a big deal. If the issue looms large in your mind, simply ask him why and listen. People generally tell you who they are.
Gaeta Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Ask him. Sometimes people don't understand the difference between separated and divorced. A few times after I spoke to these guys they said they were not married they were living together therefore they considered themselves not divorced but separated. I explained to them how this can lead the ladies to believe they are still legally married.
PegNosePete Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 No, I would not be interested in meeting someone who is still legally married. Whatever the reason. Sort it out then call me back. 2
Mrin Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Yes. But ask. 8 years smells of financial ties/obligations etc. Perhaps tax benefits?
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I did it once. They had been separated for 4 years. He told me initially he didn't file because he wanted her back but as time went on he realized that wasn't happening. Then he claimed it was financial; he didn't have the money for the fees . I called BS. He filed. Then I felt like I had to go through all the drama of his divorce with him which I hated. Some people don't file so the spouse can stay on their health insurance.
carhill Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) Religion can play a part as well, though that's generally less evident in the younger generations. One relatively famous example was the marriage of Jack Klugman and Jamie Sommers. They legally separated in 1974 and Jack would live with a number of women, one of whom, the exW of Bing Crosby's son, became his wife after many years of living together *after* Jack's wife died in 2007. They were legally separated 33 years. Jack was Jewish IIRC and my bet is his faith played a strong role. ETA that my own father, also of strong faith, went as far as to have his first marriage annulled by the Vatican due to abandonment so he would legally (in the church) be able to remarry again in the church. The civil divorce took place in his absence while he was in the war (WW2). Edited February 11, 2015 by carhill
PegNosePete Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Yes. But ask. 8 years smells of financial ties/obligations etc. Perhaps tax benefits? Yes, but I am not interested in someone who remains married to cheat the tax system. In my opinion that is a poor character trait.
Toodaloo Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Some people don't file because its just not on their list of things to do. They don't consider themselves married any more and its just paper work. That said get him to tidy up his paper work.
Author Popsicle Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) Some people don't file because its just not on their list of things to do. They don't consider themselves married any more and its just paper work. That said get him to tidy up his paper work. I'm not a big fan of having to get adults to do things. I haven't spoken to him yet but I'm thinking I don't realky want to be in a mess like that. Edited February 11, 2015 by Popsicle
Mirages Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 They were legally separated 33 years. Jack was Jewish IIRC and my bet is his faith played a strong role. Yuck, a bit of hypocrisy sprinkled with ignorance... Most of the jews will follow Deuteronomy 24, which is an easy divorce scenario (no separation by the way). Any following a faith to then sleep around isn't exactly investing in oneself any better. I've know a few that exceeded the 4 year mark of separation, only 2, one had a nutty "hard to settle details," wife. What I am contemplating, because divorce is so complicated, is... people marrying in a religious setting, but never filing with the state, to eliminate state control of the divorce if there should be one. Never heard of such, is tempting.
PegNosePete Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 What I am contemplating, because divorce is so complicated, is... people marrying in a religious setting, but never filing with the state I very much doubt many organized religions would be happy to go ahead with that.
Toodaloo Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I'm not a big fan of having to get adults to do things. I haven't spoken to him yet but I'm thinking I don't realky want to be in a mess like that. Then keep it simple and say to him "I do not want to be involved with a man who hasn't sorted it out". Done problem solved Next! He then knows what he has to do to date you and if he really is interested he will get his bum into gear, sort it out and ask you out!
central Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 My divorce took nearly 8 years - she was so unreasonable in her demands it was best to just wait her out. I met my wife within a few months of separating from my ex. If that had been a few years, then perhaps things would have worked out differently.
Author Popsicle Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 My divorce took nearly 8 years - she was so unreasonable in her demands it was best to just wait her out. I met my wife within a few months of separating from my ex. If that had been a few years, then perhaps things would have worked out differently. Why would it have worked out differently? It still sounds like you werent divorced for 8 years.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 No way in hell. He's still legally bound to another woman. They may be separated, but she's still his wife. One of the most interesting prospects I've communicated with on OLD lately is separated. I immediately told him I don't date separated men, so then he sends several messages explaining the situation - not living together, putting our daughter first. Such a romantic conversation with a relationship prospect! All I read is "blah blah still married blah". 1
central Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Why would it have worked out differently? It still sounds like you werent divorced for 8 years. After a few years, some women might have questioned my status and been more reluctant to date me. It really comes down to the reasons, if you care about such things at all. Perception is a big deal - and often trumps facts. I could have forced the divorce, but at a very high financial cost. I waited instead, and that was greatly to my advantage.
devilish innocent Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I'd assume they were comfortable with the division of assets and too lazy to fill out the paperwork.
Erised Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Absolutely if they aren't living together and I won't be hidden in any way. I'd prefer to meet her if things advance, in that scenario. Maybe his ex wife needs the cheaper insurance. It's fiscally prudent in some way. Yeah, not a big deal unless there's other red flags that make it a big deal (living together, talking about her a lot, hidden.)
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