NorthernGirl06 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Chat groups typically are not my thing, but last night we decided to take a "break", and I'm not really sure where to go from here.We have been together for 5.5 years and we live together .We have had our fair share of ups and downs , good times and hard times . I've certainly played a good part in causing some of these problems , and at times been more of a hinderance than help. I own that. I've been going to counseling and working on myself for the last year. Over the last few weeks he started to get really distant , no contact, no I love yous , and physically turning away form me dring conversation . We live together , we've talked about the future and e are pretty much on the same page , or at least we were at on point . Over time , I think we have lost respect for each other , and feel so much pressure about moving ahead that we stopped just enjoying each other . I Called him on his distant behaviors and he said that he thinks he needs some space, and that he can't help but feel like we need a break to see if we find our way back to each other . He says he loves me, and I'm still what he wants , but he feels lost . He says he does not want a break up , just a break. Obviously I freaked out a bit inside because this is not at all what I want , I don't think we need a break and I do still see us together and having a great future. So I thought about it . Who am I to deny him space if that's what he says he needs and wants ? Obviously there is something going on for him and by not allowing him to take some time and space I'm screwed anyway,so why no let him . He might come back , he might not. We are starting with 2 weeks , no contact. One of us is too go have to go stay with our friends . It's going to be hard , and sad. I love him very much, but I get how aweful it is to feel like you've lost yourself . I respect his need for space. I'm just feeling like I'm going to need some support to stick by my decision, and honor and respect his space.
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 That kind of a break is a test drive of a break up. Communicate to fix the problem or just end it. Silence solves nothing. 7
LifeNomad Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 i agree with donnivain, its basically a mock breakup. hes obviously not happy for some reason or another 1
Rainbowlove Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 First off, if you don't respect the space request, you will def lose him. You may lose him anyway, but showing respect for his needs is one way to show someone you truly love them. Do not make it all about your needs. With that said, you still do need to find a balance of needs as you navigate this new situation. Communication and respect here. When my wife and I were dating, we took space and found each other. Maybe you can too. Who knows. Good luck.
elaine567 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Do not just assume he is coming back to you and just needs time (whatever that means) and do not assume he will be faithful to you during the break either. You have to both make it clear about what the break means as regards sleeping with other partners. As if you do come back together, then one person sleeping with other partners during a break, can scupper that all up. For some it must be said that "taking a break" is just an excuse to follow up on that interesting woman/man they already know, without actually cheating, so be aware of that. For others, they do not have the courage to break up for good, so they decide to just test the waters and leave the other dangling, in case they need them, but in reality they know it isn't what they really want long term. And for others this starts a cycle of on/off, push/pull that tends to go nowhere. After 5.5 years and he went cold and distant on you? I would assume the worst here, sorry. 1
Invictus01 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Generally speaking, if somebody is asking for space, give him or her enough space to become an astronaut... If he or she at some point of time comes back from the outer space mission that they decided to embark on and you decide to provide the landing spot for them, make sure that the landing is as bumpy as possible so that the next time they think twice about going on a space exploration mission. Good luck with your astronaut. 7
Holmes85 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Chat groups typically are not my thing, but last night we decided to take a "break", and I'm not really sure where to go from here.We have been together for 5.5 years and we live together .We have had our fair share of ups and downs , good times and hard times . I've certainly played a good part in causing some of these problems , and at times been more of a hinderance than help. I own that. I've been going to counseling and working on myself for the last year. Over the last few weeks he started to get really distant , no contact, no I love yous , and physically turning away form me dring conversation . We live together , we've talked about the future and e are pretty much on the same page , or at least we were at on point . Over time , I think we have lost respect for each other , and feel so much pressure about moving ahead that we stopped just enjoying each other . I Called him on his distant behaviors and he said that he thinks he needs some space, and that he can't help but feel like we need a break to see if we find our way back to each other . He says he loves me, and I'm still what he wants , but he feels lost . He says he does not want a break up , just a break. Obviously I freaked out a bit inside because this is not at all what I want , I don't think we need a break and I do still see us together and having a great future. So I thought about it . Who am I to deny him space if that's what he says he needs and wants ? Obviously there is something going on for him and by not allowing him to take some time and space I'm screwed anyway,so why no let him . He might come back , he might not. We are starting with 2 weeks , no contact. One of us is too go have to go stay with our friends . It's going to be hard , and sad. I love him very much, but I get how aweful it is to feel like you've lost yourself . I respect his need for space. I'm just feeling like I'm going to need some support to stick by my decision, and honor and respect his space. NorthenGirl06, When the "space" line is used in the relationship, 90% of the times it means that I need space from you to persue someone else. Seriously what kind of a relationship needs space? Space for what? When you are married with him, would he be saying I need space from our relationship then too? Don't buy into this B.S, it's a very weak excuse used by a person whose emotionally immature.
Elle1975 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Don't be the one leaving the apartment. If he wants a "break", let him go stay with friends. 1
darkbloom Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Generally speaking, if somebody is asking for space, give him or her enough space to become an astronaut... If he or she at some point of time comes back from the outer space mission that they decided to embark on and you decide to provide the landing spot for them, make sure that the landing is as bumpy as possible so that the next time they think twice about going on a space exploration mission. Good luck with your astronaut. ^^^ This is basically perfect advice.
fronk Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I think you gave yourself some great advice there.....give yourself some credit for realizing it.
BC1980 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Echoing everyone else, the "I need a break" line is a coward's way to go about a breakup. He might be pursuing someone else. You have to consider that possibility. It's not good that he turned cold and distant, seemingly abruptly. 5
lolablue17 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I usually against "breaks". I think its either a break up, or staying together. But in this case, can be helpful. Yes it's sucks, yes it might lead to a break up. But because it's only 2 weeks with a clear solid deadline, and as long as none of you is seeing other people for dates, Maybe it's a small price to pay for the chance to be happy together in the future. Don't let him dragging you longer than that.
lil hoodlum Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Don't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't want a break, then do NOT agree to it. He is a big boy and it is time for him to put on his big boy pants and talk to about what is going on and just what he hopes to accomplish with a "break". If he can't articulate or won't acticulate what is going on then send him packing and tell him not to come back. You don't agree with breaks. He is either with you and on-board about fixing whatever issues there are or he isn't. 5
Satu Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 In my opinion, 'needing space' is just an elaborate way of saying goodbye. 1
KHSM Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 My relationship of 7 years is the same. I did mess up and he up and changed, he told me today that he's talking to someone and he went to her house. I'm hurt because we have 2 kids, the break is going to be tough but if you guys work things out it'll be amazing. Best of luck.
Friskyone4u Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 INvictus gave you good advice. Whether it is a man or woman, when someone in anlong term relationship becomes "distant" and comes up with the "I need space" line, it usually means one of three things (1) I'm cheating and I want to see if my new lover is better for me than you and want to explore the NRE while you sit on hold as Plan B (2) I'be met someone who I am attracted to and want the freedom to explore this without you getting in the way of knowing , so here you are as Plan B again (3) I'm looking for a way out and don't know how to do it so Ill take some time to figure it out None of the above options are great for you. If this break has come as a surprise to you and if you have assumed this break would include no dating or sex with others, I would tell your boyfriend that when his break is over the two of you can hear to the polygraph examiners office to insure he kept his end of the bargain . 2
Zapbasket Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Don't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don't want a break, then do NOT agree to it. He is a big boy and it is time for him to put on his big boy pants and talk to about what is going on and just what he hopes to accomplish with a "break". If he can't articulate or won't acticulate what is going on then send him packing and tell him not to come back. You don't agree with breaks. He is either with you and on-board about fixing whatever issues there are or he isn't. THIS. Breaks solve nothing. Relationships work when both people have both feet in. Ambivalent romantic attachments are unhappy romantic attachments. If one party is not happy, the direction to move is TOWARD the relationship, not AWAY from it. You get what you give. Breaks are a move AWAY, and how can you talk about what each person needs to be happy in the relationship if you're on a break? I've been there, done that, bought the t-shirt...and have concluded that NEVER will I propose or agree to a break. Such a waste of everyone's time. 2
universalangel Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I think he just needs some time to miss you. Sometimes we all need space. I had to ask my guy for space once, only cause i felt like he needed it. I went to my sisters place for a few days, and came back to a clean house and a nice cooked meal! He said he was feeling the need to break up before i left, but the space was needed. He missed me and we were back to normal for a while after that. Its all on how you want to perceive it.If you dont give that a shot, you might push him further. But if you feel that he is being unfair, end it. But give him the benefit of the doubt. 5 years is a long time, and sometimes we need to breathe.
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