Firstin Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Hi All, My girlfriend of 4 years left me 2 weeks ago. It's not the first time. In the last 12 months she has taken all her things (we live together) and dumped me 3 times. The weird thing is she has a habit of leaving and coming back. Each time seems to coincide with her mother dissapearing or coming back into her life. Which has only occured numerous times in the last 12 months. I know I shouldn't try and justify her behavior but it's an odd coincidence. Her reasons for breaking up this time and the last times are: I complain too much that we don't communicate or spend quality time together I complain too much that she is out with friends (particularly one friend in general) Overall, I annoy her too much by complaining about the above. Each time I can see the breakup almost coming. Since the beginning of last year she started spending an ungodly amount of time with her female (married) boss (now best friend). She works full time at a day job but this boss is from her old casual restaurant night job which she works every Friday and Saturday night for less than half the legal minimum wage(what a great boss/friend). Basically, she works there to socialise with this boss and comes home in the wee hours of the morning. Meaning weekend days she is too tired. She can never take a Friday, Saturday night off for any event that is not 2 months away and often fills in on other days. At times she has spent 10 or 11 days a row at this woman's house or going out places till early in the morning. Not partying or anything, mainly hanging out. Truth is during those times I miss the intimacy, and communication. I must admit I become jealous of this friend. They seem to talk all the time, she is also friends with all her friends and family and is always going to some fantastic place with them. Basically I don't feel like a priority. This also links to another issue where she seems to not be open about what she does when shes out with these friends, or even just general day to day stuff. E.g. coming home late from work, missing dinner, making plans with others. Often I don't know her plans until she is not home at her usual time or I see a ticket stub in her car or check facebook. It's not that she is doing anything like cheating, she just doesn't give me the courtesy of informing me and feels like that is none of my business. Often if I didn't ask what she did last weekend or step on a ticket stub, I would never have known that she went to a concert with friends. She would just have said I went to see friend x. Often she says she is going to see stop by her parents for a little (say 10am) and will turn up back home at midnight. She won't say where she was, she will just turn up back home and say hi. If I say nothing she will never talk about her day. If I ask she would say "nothing" or "went out". Check facebook or see some weird object from some obscure shop and enquire "where did that come from?" she will say "yeah, i went to ....". She would never tell me that she went there with 10 other people, that they also went out for a nice dinner. I just hate that I have to ask and when I ask she always answers with why do you need to know? why is it important that you need to know that I went here or what I had for lunch? Truth is I don't really care, I've never accused her of cheating or anthing like that. I care more that she doesn't care enough to tell me, even a little snippet of her day or a funny story. I have tried to approach it from another angle and tell her about my day in detail and never ask her about hers. But it becomes like a one way conversation. However, this is the polar opposite to her other self. It's like there is two of her. She is often lovely, affectionate, wants to spend every minute with me and talks of quitting that restaurant job and moving away. When she is with me she is amazing. She can talk about our life together and our actions quite easily. I also feel like she doesn't communicate to her friends anything about our life together. When I do see them they seem to know nothing about what we have been doing as a couple. I have spent a long time pondering and reflecting over this. Am I too needy? Am I annoying? Is it rude to expect someone you live with to tell you about their day or even a conversation they had? When she does breakup she seems to go to a complete extreme of being out every single day. I have to avoid Facebook. She doesn't get sad or reflect at all. I have called her out on it after the fact and it's almost like she couldn't have cared either way. Or she is too stubborn to admit it. She is very cold and if I do contact her she is so angry towards me. She has never comprised or tried to see my side. She has tried to communicate better when we do get back together, but it doesn't seem to last long and she sees it as reporting to me. I seem to only see my negatives. I must ask too much, or maybe it's because I don't go out with my friends as often. I should also add that as far as I know, she never tells anyone we have broken up. So I can never tell if it's actually over or if this is some mental breakdown phase, projecting negative emotions phase. I all I know is that she could care less about me at this time. All I know is these things, her parents never talk to each other. Never communicate, never compromise, never do anything together. Her father is often calling asking my (ex)gf is she knows what her mother is doing. Her mother is always out with her friends like a teenager and walks out on her father. However, all I can think about is the fact that she told me a few days a go (she contacted me) and said that she is going to a wedding this weekend. I'm more shattered that she doesn't care enough to ask me to go (even if we were together) and angry that my asking about why she wouldn't want me to go would have annoyed her. I also angry that it would annoy her for me to ask if it was a small/large wedding? Had she known about the wedding for a long time? Don't you tell your partner about an upcoming wedding? I would have understood not being invited if it was small or a last minute in home ceremony, but to her it's rude of me to bother her with this stuff. Is it weird that I expect her to come back (again) and I am more worried about missing out on going to this wedding/and her being at this wedding without me (her old high school friends will be there) than her having dumped me again? Why do I feel so uncomfortable about her going to this wedding? I feel like the me that gets back with her will be bitter about not being invited as insane as it sounds. I am hoping someone will stop me from calling her tomorrow to ask if I can go to to wedding because (you know she will just come back like nothing happened) again. Please someone respond before I call and make a fool of myself, or wait too long to call and she says its too late to do anything.
marimari Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I think that you have to form your own life without your girfriend, and maybe this is a chance. I don't know how old are you but you said that you don't hang out with your friends often. You are focused only on her, and she is focused on herself. She goes out, she hangs out with her boss, she wants to go to wedding alone. And from my perspective this is bad, cause as a couple you should go things together, and she does what she wants, and you are waiting on her. And please do not call her to go to that stupid wedding, you will feel worse if she rejects you. Go somewhere else, go for a drink, do something different. You miss the intimacy, you miss her, and from my perspective while I was reading this text, she doesn't miss that.
Ieris Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 @ Firstin - I dated someone similar once and it was suffocating. Having to give a full day report everyday, where I was at, who I was with, what.. when.. why.. how..? Jeez I'm surprised I didn't get asked how many breaths I took that day! What you need to do is have your own life and not put all your attention on her. If she walks away, you're going to feel like you have nothing. Start making your own friends and do your own thing, stop following her like a lost puppy, there is nothing attractive about that x
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