Kevin_D Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 *I'm a man, so I'm writing from a straight man's point of view: A lot of dumpees wonder how the dumper feels after a break up and how they can act so cold. Sometimes, people just grow apart. But the most commons replies are "She fell out of love", "She checked out emotionally long before she pulled the trigger", "She wanted marriage and kids and grew tired of waiting", "She thought things became boring and stale" etc. None of these reasons indicate that the relationship was BAD- just that she wanted MORE. I guess that's why there's often another guy in the picture. If you believe in the relationship 80/20-rule, you will realise that guys who offer the missing 20% will start looking really appealing after a while. I guess that's why many dumpees feel that the dumper becomes another person. She grew tired of the 80% and wants to experience the 20% she didn't get. In many (if not most) cases, there's a trade-off here: Comfort for excitement, friendship for passion. My ex was drop dead gorgeous, but yet, after 6 years I was more attracted to other, much less attractive, women. When I started dating a new girl, I felt a spark I haven't felt in a long time. It's amazing. Yet, I feel like I get the 20% that a new relationship has to offer, but I still miss the 80% my old relationship had. My ex and I didn't grow apart, not as friends. We did everything together. I wasn't clingy, so she had plenty of opportunities to distance herself. But she didn't, because she clearly enjoyed being with me. She left because she became madly in love with another guy. She traded comfort for excitement, friendship for passion. She made the decision that it was worth it, but it's still a trade-off. Even if the new guy Mr. 80% and I'm only Mr. 20%, it's still a trade-off. When I dream about her, it's never in a sexual way. We're just having fun together, joking, talking walks, watching movies and so on. I miss the world we created together. I miss my best friend. Many people talk about love like an on/off switch. I know the feeling infatuation, but it usually wears off after a couple of years. When people say stuff like "You're in love with her, she's not in love with you anymore". What does it mean? The make it sound like some magical, uncontrollable force. To me, it has always been something that grows over time with person I'm really compatible with. Am I different? Can somebody explain this to me? 2
mightycpa Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Younger people will generally opt for that new feeling of infatuation and interest. Most people will. They don't recognize that it will go away, and things get stale with everybody. You're right, it's not that what they're leaving is so bad. It's that there is a new person in the picture, and with that new person, they're feeling the same things they felt with you when you met. Don't take it personally... because it isn't. Your RS has just run its course, and they are already on to the next one.
Author Kevin_D Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 Yeah, I know... but I still can't understand how the passion can be so strong that you want to run away from your best friend. Like I said, I've been really attracted to other girls, but there was no way I was going to leave my partner unless I felt that we didn't like eachother anymore. My ex was the kind of girl who would panic if CD got scratched. She saves every little note I gave her. She wrote down every little stupid thing we did together. She invested so much, even in the end. And then BANG she's gone. I don't get this. If she didn't like me as a friend, why did she spend so much time with me? And if she liked me as a friend, how could she treat me so badly? And how could she be willing to sacrifice that friendship just because some ******* flirted with her?
KBarletta Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Comfort for excitement, friendship for passion. In my opinion, this is the trade-off that my wife made when she left me three months ago. She expressed that "90 percent of our life together is good" but that she wanted "passion" and "adventure" that her life with me wasn't providing. We were best friends, had been together 10 years, and I loved her completely. Didn't see it coming. The thing is, I expect that people who make this particular choice, rather than sticking it out and aiming to make their existing relationship as good as it can be, are going to ultimately be jumping from rock to rock like a frog, realizing that EVERY relationship reaches a point where you no longer feel as excited as you once did, and you have to decide to either A. Bail out or B. Work on making it better. I would encourage people (except for those who genuinely dislike being with their partners, or who are abused, or who are cheated on, etc.), to really think hard before making this choice. 2
Author Kevin_D Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 In my opinion, this is the trade-off that my wife made when she left me three months ago. She expressed that "90 percent of our life together is good" but that she wanted "passion" and "adventure" that her life with me wasn't providing. We were best friends, had been together 10 years, and I loved her completely. Didn't see it coming. The thing is, I expect that people who make this particular choice, rather than sticking it out and aiming to make their existing relationship as good as it can be, are going to ultimately be jumping from rock to rock like a frog, realizing that EVERY relationship reaches a point where you no longer feel as excited as you once did, and you have to decide to either A. Bail out or B. Work on making it better. I would encourage people (except for those who genuinely dislike being with their partners, or who are abused, or who are cheated on, etc.), to really think hard before making this choice. The sad thing is, many of them probably realize sooner or later that they actually let go of something really good. But it doesn't matter, because we would never be able to trust them again.
erklat Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 In my opinion, this is the trade-off that my wife made when she left me three months ago. She expressed that "90 percent of our life together is good" but that she wanted "passion" and "adventure" that her life with me wasn't providing. We were best friends, had been together 10 years, and I loved her completely. Didn't see it coming. The thing is, I expect that people who make this particular choice, rather than sticking it out and aiming to make their existing relationship as good as it can be, are going to ultimately be jumping from rock to rock like a frog, realizing that EVERY relationship reaches a point where you no longer feel as excited as you once did, and you have to decide to either A. Bail out or B. Work on making it better. I would encourage people (except for those who genuinely dislike being with their partners, or who are abused, or who are cheated on, etc.), to really think hard before making this choice. You are very right. I think that I may be in a group chasing butterflies. My new woman (wife actually) is a great and compassionate companion, passionate even. But I am not intimidated by her. I felt stronger attraction towards my ex. Ex could break me. My wife can't. How are you Kev? We have been heartbroken together at the same time.
Author Kevin_D Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 You are very right. I think that I may be in a group chasing butterflies. My new woman (wife actually) is a great and compassionate companion, passionate even. But I am not intimidated by her. I felt stronger attraction towards my ex. Ex could break me. My wife can't. How are you Kev? We have been heartbroken together at the same time. I miss my ex every day and I dream about her almost every night. I do have a new girlfriend and she's one of the kindest women I've ever met, so I wish that I could just forget about my ex. At least I've been honest from the beginning. My girlfriend knows I'm struggling. My biggest problem is that things don't add up, which drives me insane. When I was dumped by my first girlfriend, I was able to see all the red flags so clearly after a while. But in this case... I always thought that main issue in the relationship was that she was too dependant on me. Just week before she left me, she called seven times when she knew I was at a concert with a friend. She was so worried that something had happened to me... She said it was her biggest nightmare. And then... A week later... She hated med. I keep reminding herself that her mother was bipolar and that it's not unlikely that this has affected her, directly or indirectly. I keep telling myself that it isn't healthy to jump from one relationship to another after six years. I keep telling myself that she will be very unhappy one day, while I'm going to be happy. But it's really hard. I really don't know who I am any more. I have a master in engineering. I always got top grades. I'm talented in arts and music. And I've always made people laugh. Yet I can't seem to find a real job, and it brings back all the memories of the break-up: That I'm not good enough. I feel sorry for my new girlfriend. She's a wonderful person and shouldn't have to deal with my issues. But she says I'm the best thing that has ever happened to her and that she will always remember me as someone who had a positive impact on her life, even if our relationship doesn't last forever... Well... I guess I'm still a mess. It feels like my life is ruined. That I can't feel real happiness anymore.
Elle1975 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I don't think you're different. I do believe that love is something that we build over the years. A lover becomes family. Sex shouldn't be forgotten, but it shouldn't the one thing that hold a couple together, for sure.
erklat Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) I really don't know who I am any more. I have a master in engineering. I always got top grades. I'm talented in arts and music. And I've always made people laugh. Yet I can't seem to find a real job, and it brings back all the memories of the break-up: That I'm not good enough. Fnck yeah man, we're on the same boat with this too. Edited February 12, 2015 by erklat
Recommended Posts