SycamoreCircle Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Imagine that you were cheated on, smeared and left for another person. Years later the person reached out to you in an act of reconciliation. Would refusal to communicate with them end up adversely affecting you? What is the healthiest course of action? Must each person decide for themselves? What questions should be asked to make the choice?
Light Breeze Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) Would refusal to communicate with them end up adversely affecting you? No What is the healthiest course of action? Don't respond Must each person decide for themselves? Always What questions should be asked to make the choice? No questions needed. If she lied, cheated, and smeared me, then that's all I need to know. I'll stay as far away as possible. Edited February 11, 2015 by Light Breeze
Author SycamoreCircle Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 But you understand, on some level, that this person has/had issues. Their attempt at reconciliation is recognition of that and a desire to be a better person. The movie Unbroken, which was released last year I believe, told the story of a soldier who survived a Japanese war camp. Years later he reached out to his captors in an attempt to make peace. Wouldn't you think his action of forgiveness, so beyond the scope of most people, gave him a unique freedom?
Light Breeze Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 For forgiveness, yes, it can give you freedom and peace. As for reconciliation (as your title suggested) then I would have to say no. Maybe she's a changed person and all that but personally I won't risk myself again with her.
Oneness Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Reconcilliation could only work if they had really changed...and real change needs to be proven. I still dream of reconcilling with my ex, but in no way would I accept it unless he had proven to me I can trust him...and I think the moon would sooner turn into green cheese before that happens! He is severely mentally ill and abusive - I took the mosaic threat assesment by Gavin de Becker and he scored 8/10....1 being non violent and 10 being homicidal. Even after that I went back to him, and guess what happened? He beat me up! Better to be safe then sorry...I have read some of your posts here, and you mentioned your ex had the traits of a Narcissist. Narcs are even worse then my exbf, who has all 9 of the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder in the DSM IV...narcs are nefer wrong, if they try and reconcile it is a hoover...they are drawing you back in for more Narc supply, that is it. Because to Narcs, all other people are, are supply...not people with thier own needs. 4
Invictus01 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Imagine that you were cheated on, smeared and left for another person. Years later the person reached out to you in an act of reconciliation. Would refusal to communicate with them end up adversely affecting you? What is the healthiest course of action? Must each person decide for themselves? What questions should be asked to make the choice? Wait... *SHE* showed up??? Or was this a hypothetical question?
KBarletta Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Would refusal to communicate with them end up adversely affecting you? I think it depends on your level of emotional attachment. In my case, about 10 years ago, I split with GF of two years (emotionally abusive, BPD), who proceeded to marry a mutual friend of ours less than a year after that. That fizzled within two years, and she began to reach out to me through Facebook friend requests and through talking to third parties about how great I was and how badly she treated me, though never directly contacted me. I was married to someone else by then, so I ignored every attempt and never felt any adverse effects. Still don't. What is the healthiest course of action? If someone cheated on and smeared you, I'd say never looking back is the healthiest move. What questions should be asked to make the choice? Some questions: - Why are they reaching out? Is it just to make themselves feel better? Why engage in that case? - Are you still holding onto feelings for them? If so, do you trust them not to hurt you again? What have they done to earn your trust back? Is it enough?
Author SycamoreCircle Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Wait... *SHE* showed up??? Or was this a hypothetical question? No, this is a hypothetical question. I guess there is a part of me that feels refusing to acknowledge someone seeking peace, at some juncture in time, may do more harm than good.
NopeNah Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 No, this is a hypothetical question. I guess there is a part of me that feels refusing to acknowledge someone seeking peace, at some juncture in time, may do more harm than good. That's why it would be up to the person to decide what's best for them. Some people it could harm. Others,like myself, it wouldn't bother at all.
Oneness Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 No, this is a hypothetical question. I guess there is a part of me that feels refusing to acknowledge someone seeking peace, at some juncture in time, may do more harm than good. Who exactly would it be harming? You or her? Since she discarded you, I don't think she would be harmed - if she is a Narc, she will get her supply somewhere else. The person it could harm is you...and it is okay for you to value yourself just 1% more then you would her. You have value...she discarded you...she is unable to truly value you because you did not give her enough supply (this I am surmising as most narcs operate this way).
lolablue17 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 maybe i'd try to make an ego boost out of it, maybe not, but i can never take back someone if they left me for someone else. my ego would never let me.
smoothcriminal94 Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 No. The biggest insult to yourself would to get back someone who left you so heartlessly for someone else. Doesn't matter how long. Don't do it.
An0nymiss666 Posted February 14, 2015 Posted February 14, 2015 Would refusal to communicate with them end up adversely affecting you? I've been cheated on by a few people, unfortunately. However, this situation would depend on the relationship I had with the individual in question. As we've all heard, everyone's situation is different. My cheating ex from a few years ago was a jerk throughout most of the relationship and it just dragged on for a long time. He cheated, we broke up for a little bit, got back together and then finally broke up. If he tried to contact me now, I'd laugh to myself and ignore it. My most recent ex and I had a GREAT relationship until the end. We had trivial issues that we made worse than they really were. I think we both tried to remedy things but just had some disconnects and miscommunications. He was at least trying to screw around with other people before we ended things. Which is no less terrible to me. But because we had an amazing relationship I think it would bother me to ignore him and I'd be left wondering. What is the healthiest course of action? See above, really... Well...if you want to pursue communication with them, as someone else stated, change needs to be proven. Don't have too many expectations, because it might just be a narc looking for an ego boost. But you're smart enough to realize that, I'm sure. It's the worst to be let down, once again. Be very cautious, as tough as it might be. Just gauge it over a little time. You'll know...just like I knew it was a mistake to get back with my JERK cheating ex, but did it anyway. Must each person decide for themselves? Of course! What questions should be asked to make the choice? I'm not so sure I would ask any questions. Their actions alone should show their true feelings. If it's genuine you shouldn't have to search for it. At least not extensively. Unless you mean in your head, to yourself. Would you truly benefit from reconciliation? Do you think it would actually be worth another shot? Or just old wishy washy feelings getting to you? If you think it would be worth it, and potentially fulfilling, proceed with caution... As a side note, if you're currently with someone else, I'm not sure how I would answer. Could be tricky. I think it would be silly if you have truly moved on and were happy with someone else. But, then this wouldn't even be in question. And that's not fair to you, or them, to stay when you're going to be constantly questioning it.
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