indiangunner Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 hello all, I'm a 25 years old male... I broke up about 2 months ago with my ex of 2 years... she was my first proper girlfriend we shared some amazing moments together. Within about 6-8 months of our relationship, I had to move to a different city as I got a job there. I've always been kind of obsessed about her and at times overly possessive. In spite of being in a long distance relationship, we managed to stay afloat for about 1.2 years... we used to meet once in 3 months or so and made the most of it... However, due to my possessive nature and that fact that we couldn't spend quality time together being miles apart, she cracked. After multiple fights, she finally called it quits on me. I was shattered. I tried to pick up the pieces and move on but failed. As on this date, she is dating someone else and it kills me to imagine her with someone else. I'm undergoing several health issues at this young age due to excessive smoking and drinking. At the age of 25 I have cholestrol and rhumetoid arthritis in the initial stage. I found this out yesterday after my doc advised me to get my blood tested. Also, uric acid in my body is above normal level which can hamper the functioning of my kidney. I keep on troubling her every day by calling her once or twice and pleading to come back. I lost it when I found out that she was speaking to someone post mid night over the phone. When I asked her about it, she rightfully said it wasn't my business. The fact that she is with someone else is affecting my health and well being. I truly love her and can't come to terms with the fact that she is gone... like I said we shared some amazing moments together... she was the first and only girl I slept with. I know I have a future ahead of me and my family is worried about my health. I do night shift at work and find it difficult to sleep during the day. I can't stop smoking and I can't help but drink 3-4 times a week. I wonder what to do. The only positive that I can think of now is that I want to get out of this mess that I am in. I would really appreciate some advice as I really need it. Thanks.
ggas Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 First of all I want you to know you are not alone. I can only imagine what you are experiencing but know that most of us here go through incredibly hard emotional periods. You broke up. I can imagine that now you are replaying every single conversation and argument and intimate moment through your head. That is fine. Do that once twice 3 times ... 10 times. Cry after this. Cry a lot. One hour or so maybe more. THEN TALK WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY talk as much as you can. Always try to be around people. ALWAYS. When you can't, when you're alone you will find yourself doubting your person and wanting to get back with her. When you do this, try to imagine things from her perspective. You being in your current situation would you take yourself back? Or would you prefer someone who has his life in order and is not an emotional wreck. Here is where NC comes into play. Do not contact her, watch a movie instead, call a friend. Not contacting her allows you to hide your emotional weakness for a while until you rebuild yourself. You hear some people get back together after NC. Why do you think that is? Do you think simple lack of communication is the reason? I would guess no. I would say that NC helped these people hide their weakness until they got strong again, until they were able to treat the situation objectively and see if things can work again or not or even if they want it to work again or not. Concerning your drinking. I'm not sure what to say. I personaly am afraid to drink simply because drinking amplifies depression. You could use fear as a tool to stop drinking. I'm not a smoker either so here I really don't know what to say. Maybe chew a gum instead or something and spit it out when you're bored. I have a tough time not letting my ex in my head. 3 weeks after BU can't say I am succesful, but I will tell you what I am trying now. I just bought a book. I am apartment hunting (I was living with her). I force myself (to exhaustion) to stand up properly and look confident. I try to talk to new people even if I don't really feel the need to. When I get too lonely, I call my family. If I have the urge to text my ex/phone her/check up on her I open LS and post here. I do find myself once a day looking at the chat box on FB to see if she's active or not, but I'm beginning to use the same strategy as alcohool to avoid doing that i.e. fear. I'm beginning to scare myself from looking. You see we were very happy together until mid December. Then her problems at work and in her social life got to a point when after seeing her ex back home (we are both expats) made her doubt the relationship and made her want to be with him (she didn't have any social/work problems while she was with him). So I got replaced in a matter of days, literally days. I was not jealous or boring, the atraction was there but still sometimes one's problems are projected onto the partner and in this case it was me. So what would I achieve by looking? Seeing her with her ex who is not even in the same country (though she's probably working to bring him here). What exactly would I achieve? Nothing. It will only make me feel worse. That being said. Know that you are not alone. What you experience is something most people experience. The intensity of these emotions is set by us. It seems to you that you have no control. Is that really the case? Look in the mirror and ask yourself? is this me? is this a person who is not in charge of his emotions? And with that I will stop here. I am thinking of doing a focus group. If you're interested let me know. I could arrange for Skype meetings. Peace
unforgotten Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Please do something about your drinking and smoking problem. That should be your priority. Read books on how to quit, find some motivational movies, get in good company, seek therapy etc. About your ex...go NC and stick to it, it will get better. I do find myself once a day looking at the chat box on FB to see if she's active or not And you, why haven't you blocked her yet? That's self destructive... 1
ggas Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I mean I don't chat her up. I'm forcing myself not to look. Would you say it's just plain better to delete her? We still live in the same city. Of course I know I shouldn't care if it looks imature, weak etc but still. Why do you say it's selfdestructive? I always thought the tendency to look someone up decreases over time. Or? Also deleting her will result in her contacting to see what's up and I do not need any emotional response/reaction from her as I am only 3 weeks into the BU and not healed properly.
unforgotten Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I personally don't think it will decrease over time. It will set you back each time you do it. I hope you have at least unfollowed her. Just imagine, you'll start seeing stuff you weren't supposed to see for sake of your emotional health. I've blocked my ex from everywhere and have even unfollowed her family members (I let them now I'm doing it because of me). I even "reduced" the chat windows on gmail so I don't see if she's online or not. All these things help! The further from your eyes the further from your heart! Her sister who I'm very good friends with contacted me yesterday and asked me how I was because my dog died a couple of days back and we didn't even talk about my ex and I feel like **** today because I started remembering things and wondering how she is. I'll have her blocked from everywhere until I don't care anymore or perhaps maybe forever. Best! 1
ggas Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I understand what you are saying. Makes perfect sense. I think I should build the strength to do that too. How did you find the strength to do that? 1
unforgotten Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 That's a good question. Maybe it helped she just jumped straight into another relationship. At first it didn't because I was still a complete mess after 3 weeks (that's how long post BU you are ATM) post BU and I tried to convince her what a huge mistake she's making, stalking her, talking to her etc. Then I realized it's over and I won't be nobodies backup plan. When I realized how little respect she has for me and that my actions won't bring her back I went full NC. I listened to advice people gave me on this forum since they went through this already and I knew my case wasn't an exception. I found so many similar stories here it's kind of scary. It's really kind of like trying to break free from a drug addiction. All these little things you do like see if she's online give you a quick fix but in the long term they leave you feeling even worse. NC is like a medicine and more you stick to it more you'll be able to recognize that. Plus, what exactly does it do for you if you see if she's online or not? What does it mean? Absolutely nothing. It only makes you think of her and play fantasy scenarios in your head. You have to find the power within yourself to stop doing it. And don't feel bad if you still didn't cut her off completely. I didn't all at once neither but you'll get there eventually. Just be proud of what you did so far. Sticking to NC for 3 weeks is a good start! Now go do the next step. You don't have to care what she thinks. Why would you? 1
ggas Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 You are so right. I'm meeting friends all day today. I'm also gonna speak with my family. I think I must accept the fact that I NEED to cut all ties with her. Same with you OP. Let's try to do this for ourselves. Let's give ourselves a deadline and then post here and see how we feel about it. This unhealthy attitude needs to STOP NOW! 2
Nolan 93 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Well when my current ex left me she blocked me from everything, so for me it was easy. My social media accounts are public, so I guess she could see what Im doing but I don't care, and Im never on those apps. But block her for yourself, cause If you don't BAM!! you will see something you shouldn't have seen, and your going to be angry and upset. Cut all contact, cause you will play mind games and trick yourself. Just realize it is over and accept it, thats all we can do even if you didn't want this in the end. 2
Author indiangunner Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Thank you very much for the advice guys... am trying to control myself but there comes a time in the day when I just lose control and contact her which only results in disappointment...
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