jc Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 I've been reading some books on how to get through the end of a relationship and most of them talk about the stages of grief that one has to go through to heal. I know I went through denial (that lasted about 2 weeks), then anger/depression (probably about 2 months) and now I finally feel like I'm on way to acceptance. There are days however when I wake up feeling unbearable sad, just like I did at the beginning of the breakup, and I think, when is this going to end? When am I going to wake up and not think about him for an entire day? Any thoughts anyone? What stage of grieving are you in and how long has it taken you to get there....partly curious, partly hoping to get some idea of when true healing finally takes place. Thanks for any input, JC
debs Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 I can say with assurance I am 4 months past acceptance. It is not a strong feeling that comes over me it is like a fleeting thought! You sound well on your way to a happier more healthier emotional existence! I wish you all the luck!
simon_uk Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Well its been 10 days for me, 5 of NC and I think I am still in stage 1. Shock!!!!! Simon Incidentally Rick Springfield (80's rocker turned heavy Rocker) released an album last year called Shock Denial Anger Acceptance. Great album and even more poignant now.
boursin_cheese Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Two months+ now... Denial -- hmmn, since ex and I had another date of sorts today I'd say yes, but it could be acceptance and forward movement. Anger -- only directed at my shytty, manipulative, FIRED-ass therapist. (That should be a new thread.) Depression? I don't know. I'm functional. I have good times with friends. I can enjoy being by myself. I laugh (with sincerity) at funny things. I started arguing politics with my granny again. BUT, I'm still terribly sad over the loss and (no implied melodrama) in some ways don't think I will recover. Is there a "Fear" stage somewhere in that list? How about a "Selfish" stage? Acceptance. I don't know again. We're trying to -- I don't know what we're trying. We're sharing self-help books about healthy relationships and marriage improvement. For the last four weeks, we've had a few brief phone conversations, traded e-mail occasionally and we're spending time together on weekends. Just a few hours -- going to movies, eating out, shopping, we baked cookies one night... No deep conversations. No sex. It's a lot like the initial stages of dating. I 'm going to go ahead and give acceptance I big "WTF, I don't know!" b.c.
upsetnhurt Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 bour.......... doesnt sound like you are broken up yet............
Conundrum Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 How to make a mixed Conundrum: 2 oz. Denial 2 oz. Bargaining 4 oz. False Hope Shake well and serve on the rocks
boursin_cheese Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Ups, Yeah, except we're really broken up. The love didn't stop but our relationship sure did! We're living in different states of the union, friends, family even co-workers were immediately told we'd broken up. His public statement: "b.c. and I broke up. Maybe we can work on it six months or a year a year from now, but currently, I don't see us getting back together." My public statement: "Ex does not live here/with me anymore. We broke up." We're really maintaining lives separately from the other. So although we're having some verrry low-pressure pseudo-date-n-see, we're quits until for some reason we should not be. Urm, is that acceptance? b.c. Is there a "Tries to drown tiny self in large martini" stage?
boursin_cheese Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Conundrum? Optional garnish? What's your pick? I love it. You've given my life new meaning! I'm going to invent a cocktail called The Conundrum. (Or at least make several attempts.) Cheers! b.c.
Conundrum Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Honestly I prefer salt. Nothing suits my tastebuds better when I am ummmm.... lets say slightly of key.
Lonestar Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 I'm in the stage of "I don't give a sh*t anymore."
BrotherAaron Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 The 5 stages, for those who are wondering, are: 1)Denial 2)Anger 3)Bargaining 4)Depression 5)Acceptance There's no particular order to them, and not everybody goes through all of them. They're nto a stepwise progression. You can be in more than one at a time. Or maybe not any of them.
Gottabestrong Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 6 months after the breakup I think I just entered the state of acceptance, mixed with occasional bouts of anger and depression.
BrotherAaron Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 I can spend an entire weekend in total acceptance that we're broken up... and then wake up one day think I want to call her to say "Good morning baby, what do you want to do today?" It's a roller coaster, but I have very little depression left. I seem to restart the cycle - I go back to denial, then I get depressed, and then I'm pissed, and depressed again... and then just fine. Mostly fine, nowadays. I don't do much bargaining though.
RecordProducer Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Dear, JC, if you know there's light at the end of the tunnel, you accept the darkness easily. Trust me, there is light out there! When my ex left me with two babies, I felt like dying. I passed all the stages you mentioned and after a couple of years I was cured. I met another guy and it helped me a lot. Although the guy was not the right one, he cured me. I also had a few one-nights stands during those two years of coping, but they made me feel even more miserable. I was alone, no job, no friends, nothing...It was very hard. But now I am very happy again and I can't believe I ever loved that scum. I am so glad he left me. He rescued me from the miserable marriage I was stuck in. Keep your head up high!
latefragment Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 God this has been pure torture for me... i went through denial mixed with severe depression - like I felt like I wanted to die to make the pain go away ... I fantasized about ending it all, even though I would never do so. I spent like four or five weeks on that stage of depression/denial because I was getting mixed messages from the ex (i.e. we slept together, etc.) Then I came to my senses. I am in the Bargaining/Anger stage. I am still really soft around the ex but I am SO PISSED OFF when I am not around him, I want to beat the living **** out of him for doing this to me. (And, there's more to the story, but there are other guys I am pissed at right now). One thing that's funny is that when I was in the severe depression/suicidal stage I was listening to all this really, really sad music, like sinead o'connor's "nothing compares to you" which was so utterly depressing but comforting. Then I had the onset of the anger stage, where one fine day, I changed out all the CD's in my car changer to Metallica, stone temple pilots, verve pipe, etc... Eight days later, and I'm still listening to metallica on repeat and very, very loud. It helps. I'm almost ready to move on to normal, happy music. All I can say is that this sucks huge chunks and I don't want to get hurt again and I'm really, really sad and pissed off at the whole situation and feelings suck. Yes, I'm still in the anger/bargaining/sad sometimes stage.
simon_uk Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 A great CD to listen to is The Used's first album, especially track 6 'Buried Myself Alive' this really helped me get over my last ex! and guess what I have it on again now I am in the same boat. Try it! Simon
latefragment Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 I should definitely check it out - is The Used metal?
simon_uk Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 I guess you could call it metal, it is certainly a derivitive of it. lots of screming and heavy guitars. It is awesome. The latest album is also great but the first one definitely made me feel better and like I say 'Buried myself Alive' really helps. Simon
latefragment Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 I think I'm in the "metallica ear-bleed stage" of grief. looking forward to the "bobby mcferrin stage"... J/K
latefragment Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 you know, Mad Season is also really good, kind of melancholy psych metal/hard rock... have you listened to them at all?
Donut Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 I'm almost 7 months on - I'm somewhere between depression with occasional bouts of anger. Slowly starting to accept it, albeit reluctantly. I can't wait for the Bobby Mcferrin stage too!
Marshbear Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 There is not set time for dealing with a break-up. It has been 1 year since we broke up and I still on occation miss her and wish we could get together again. Then I remember the way she acted and I am glad we are apart. Most days are good ones now but I occationally think of her and wonder how she is doing. I guess you never really forget the ones you love but you learn to cope and move on.
latefragment Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 Donut, I've read a lot of your posts and I want to say I completely empathize with what you're going through - I too feel like the carpet was ripped out from under me, and everything else (job, etc.) seems to be messed up at the same time. I'm glad you're moving into the anger stage. I know we'll both eventually get to the bobby mcferrin stage!!!! =) We'll do the buddy system and hang in there together. there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even though it looks so dark right now.
Recommended Posts