Zahara Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 OK. So in conclusion, I AM the crazy chick. He was just being a dude, and gave me all the signs that Iignored, and Iallowed myself to be treated like this and I slept with him and I chased him andI should have know better and not tried to be nice and bake him cookies andI shouldn't have let him use me. Got it. OP, this isn't about him. Granted he was a jerk but you have to take full responsibility for your actions. You were trying to be nice by baking him cookies even when he was treating you like crap? No, you baked him cookies to appease him and make him like you. You really need to focus on your own behavior instead of his.
SycamoreCircle Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 No, no, no. Don't contact this guy anymore. Let it be. OP, when adversity and pain hits us, provided are the perfect conditions for learning and growth. Time to focus on you. How is your relationship with your family? How have your past relationships been? Reflect on these things. Reflect on the type of friends you have. Reflect on how you view yourself, your accomplishments, your station in life. Do you feel content most of the time? What makes you anxious? What do you regret? Who have you wronged? Begin to do some reflection and try to get a stronger understanding of who you are and what you need in life. Take a break from dating for a moment. Reflect on your level of compassion and empathy. Your level of giving and taking. I think with greater self-knowledge a lot of these little kinks and bumps will smooth themselves out. 1
clia Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 BUT thats whats killing me, Leigh! So it was my fault! I was crazy bitch and I chased the man away ( If it makes you feel any better, I don't think you technically chased him away. He was never really there to begin with. 3
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 thanks Leigh Yea, I didn't like it. The forceful stuff or the friends. Didn't like it at all. And I think that's where my weak pathetic hopeful desperate romantic whatever! took the reins and I twisted it in my head to believe it could or would be something that it was clearly never going to be. Sure, maybe. There's always a maybe. But I wanted it so bad I didn't even let it organically develop. The turmoil is in not fully knowing. Perhapas I would have had the same results no matter my actions, but I just wish I had never done my part to sabotage it then I'd know he was just a jerk for sure! But even if he WAS really into you to begin with, any self respecting male will run for the hills if a woman acts crazy! He wasn't that into you at any point. But even if he WAS, he would have lost interest fast based on your actions. But you know this now.
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I like your posts. It makes me realize how messed up some of my views on dating are. lol I've made my way around so much, that i've developed a fear of dating a girl who's as promiscuous as I have been. So when I first meet a girl, i'll be very aggressive on our first date just to see if she'll sleep with me. Even when sometimes i'm secretly hoping she won't. I figure if I can't get her to put out on the first date, that means most other guys haven't been able to either. Sadly, most girls do in fact put out on first dates. Which doesn't disqualify them for getting serious with, but it does make me lose a lot of interest 90% of the time. Adarling, I'm sure you're a cute chick, but the thing is, there are a lot more cute girls than there are cute guys. I don't know if thats just because girls have higher standards, or genetics play a role... But since there are so few really good looking guys, they really get a lot of options when it comes to women. So you both may be 7's, but he may only settle down for a 9. Don't take it personally. I still recommend you go for someone a little less "hot". By the way, I'd love it if a girl baked me cookies. So good effort! Just not at the right time. I have only ever put out twice on the first dates. And I have been on a LOT of first dates..... I really liked the guys. I only sleep with a man if I am really feeling it and want to date them. So no, not all girls who put out on the first date are low grade women; I certainly am not, I have standards, I don't have sex with men indiscriminately...
Revan32 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I have only ever put out twice on the first dates. And I have been on a LOT of first dates..... I really liked the guys. I only sleep with a man if I am really feeling it and want to date them. So no, not all girls who put out on the first date are low grade women; I certainly am not, I have standards, I don't have sex with men indiscriminately... Sorry, I wasn't implying you put out easy. I've been in the same situation, where there was such a strong click on the first date it just felt natural to have a great ending. And I didn't judge her at all for it. But i've had dates where we could barely keep the conversation going, yet we still slept together. Those are the one's I don't take seriously as gf material afterwards.
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 So it was my fault. He was just being a dude, gave me all the signs, I didn't listen, or take a hint, that's on me, huh, Because I had expectations, because I baked him cookies and actually tried! I'm the pathetic one. It's also ironic, and frustrating, that everyone says I have insecurities but then attacks me for saying I'm attractive. God forbid a woman think she is attractive, because all anyone on here seems to think is he is this hot guy who can get anyone he wants and I'm a pathetic homely chick running after him,. Maybe I'm just a romantic, and he just wanted to use me. And it was the perfect storm.
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 Leigh, thanks and all, but you're not making me feel better. You are putting all this on me. ISn't there some possibility that the man wasn't taking me on dates, wasn't seeing me on the weekends, and thus my needs weren't getting met, and even when I asked him if he was seeing other people or if he would take me on a date his adverse reaction didn't help ease my fears, which is what I would expect from a man who really wanted to show me he was interested. It was a confusing thing, he was icy, I was too warm. Does that really mean I was in the wrong? With the right guy, maybe I wouldn't have acted like that. My last boyfriend, I certainly never felt this way. I didn't like that he was dating other women. I don't like the way he blew up at me and yelled at me. Did you miss that part Leigh? Is it OK that he yelled at me and treated me like a whore because I sent him some needy annoying text messages? Is it? Did I deserve that? I fell for him quick, and liked him a lot. I was acting like a girl who liked a guy, who didn't give two ****s about her or her feelings.
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 I let this guy treat me this way because I wanted to believe there was something there. ANd I wanted to believe it so bad, I put blinders on. Yes, I baked him cookies, who doesn't like cookies. Yes, I went over there, because in the movies that **** works. It's always interested me that when a man does something for love it's romantic, but when a girl does it she's crazy.
clia Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Don't beat yourself up over this. You liked him. That's okay. Know why I was able to lay that all out for you? Because I've been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. A few times! I have lots of old T-shirts in my closet, LOL. Chalk this up as a learning experience and move on. 2
Jessie1231 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I let this guy treat me this way because I wanted to believe there was something there. ANd I wanted to believe it so bad, I put blinders on. Yes, I baked him cookies, who doesn't like cookies. Yes, I went over there, because in the movies that **** works. It's always interested me that when a man does something for love it's romantic, but when a girl does it she's crazy. This isn't true. I had a guy I dated very briefly show up at my house, bring gifts, etc after I had clearly stated I wasn't interested. It wasn't romantic, it was still crazy.
thecrucible Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I don't think this is to do with him 'just being a dude'. He was acting like a jerk. However you also enabled it by chasing too much. A lot of women have acted like that in the past. I know I have clung too much to the wrong guy. I have learnt my lesson. I know what behaviour I will and won't settle for. I would've had one foot out of the door as soon as he tried sex on the first date. I wouldn't even have called it a date since his friends were accompanying him. Don't feel too bad about it. It's a waste of energy. All you can think about is take lessons from it and apply it to the next time, know what signs you look for to measure a guy's interest, bail from the situation as soon as he shows disrespect rather than chasing, and also question why you need his approval anyway. I don't think people are saying that you are vain or insecure for saying you are an attractive girl...I think it's the inference that you are seeking approval from him by your behaviour. This might have nothing to do with looks but he obviously represents something you really desire. I don't know. Maybe he's a very confident guy and this rubs off on you or he gives the impression that he's in demand and therefore he becomes more attractive to you. Maybe he's a skilled flirt and knows what he's doing? I think the others are just saying that although that guy is a jerk, it's still a good idea to work this behaviour out because when you meet a guy who isn't a jerk, that type of behaviour would even turn him off. 1
maysj18 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 We met online. He chatted me up, and was very fun to flirt with. We had a hard time setting a date. He was busy a lot on the weekends (playing) and I work during the week. Finally, after two months we hung out. Our date was a 10. We liked each other, we had fun, his friends showed up, we all got along. We ended up making out in my car, and, well, sleeping together. He was a bit forceful about it...but it was kinda hot, and believe me I wanted to, but he did have to talk me into it. We had fireworks, crazy chemistry all night..and again in the morning. So awesome. We text a little the next week. I don't hear from him the next weekend, but he invites me over on Weds. He was again very forceful about getting his way. I said I might not be able to and he said, "this is how **** turns into a one night stand. later" so I freak out, say I'm coming over and I want him to be happy. I show up, give him a little ****, and then we have a great night/morning. We text a little through the week and onto the next. (no weekend again) and the following Thurs night I get drunk and text him some crazy stuff. I texted him to come over and he didn't respond so. Hours later (drunk) I say, "you're prolly with another girl right now, I hope she's worth it, I'm done, whatever" blah blah blah, right. The next morning he texts: thanks for the insults. don't call me anymore. I called right away and apologized and said I was drunk, so so sorry. He says it wasn't cool. Got it, but we seem OK. But he says he is in the mountains with his friends he will be gone all weekend (another weekend!). Anyhoo, I bake him cookies! I text Sat, "i made you something" and he says great, come over Sunday. Cool! I come over Sunday and it feels weird. I felt pretty mousy. But we watch a little TV and then fool around. But he is really distant, acting all tired. Tells me he drank a lot, partied, and Sat he went to the movies. Do guys go to the movies with other guys? Who did he go to the movies with? Then he lies with his back to me, doesn't make eye contact, acts real sleepy. It's different. All I can think is he prolly was with come other chick all weekend and now I'm getting sloppy seconds. Oh, btw, his friend (a girl) told me in a bonding moment, when I asked about him, that he was a Tinder (the online dating site) whore. So, that makes me nervous. At this point I'm feeling like a booty call. So, I say, "I think you should take me on a real date." He mutters something. Back to me. SO I get up, put on my clothes and go to have a cigarette. He comes out and thinks I'm leaving and says "you're really gonna leave cuz I'm sleeping" (8pm btw). I tell him I'm having a cig. I go back in lie down, and he says he just wants to lie there without being pawed at. So I sigh. At which point he bolts out of bed and yells at me to leave, or he is gonna call the cops. Says he thinks I just need to leave, that I'm psychotic or something and being drama and he wants to be alone. I panic. Get dressed and sit there trying to calm him down, put my face in my hands and he says, "I don't care yap it up!" He is really pissed. After awhile he cools down, I ask if he wants me to leave, says it doesn't matter. We sleep. Morning sex. The next day I text and apologize about our fight. He doesn't respond. I say a few more things that he ignores. The weekend rolls around. Sat night I ask if he wants to get a beer. "Maybe another time I have plans" This is the fourth weekend I do not get. So I think something is up. I say "Should I be jealous?" Going on a date" he doesn't respond. The next night I send something which he ignores. I ask if I can come over...nothing. So I do a big "no, no" and I went over there. He opened the door, said it's fine, I obviously had something to say. Said I was sorry. Asked if he was mad, and if I ruined things. He said yea I ruined things. I asked if we could start over. He said no, you get to know someone and that's it. I said I just wanted to kiss him. We end up having sex. BUT...he makes it real clear that this is all he wants me for. He says it (dirty talk way). The whole thing was incredibly degrading sex. Like he treated me like a whore. It was terrible. And after he gets up puts on his clothes and makes himself a sandwich, and turns the light off on me. My cue to go. So I say something like "seriously?" and he yells back, "what? I'm doing what I want to do? I'm making myself something to eat is that ok?" I kinda laugh and say I'm leaving. He says bye. Two weeks later I contact him and he doesn't respond. I acted crazy and needy and jealous and pissed him off. He was nice when he liked me, then he pinned me for a crazy chick and there was no turning back. ANy insight would help. I am kicking myself. I feel like if I had behaved differently we would be having a blast right now. I have no sympathy for you. I'm sorry. This guy was a POS to begin with and you Need to grow a back bone. There is no way in hell any girl should chase a guy like this. 1
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 I hate this. I hate that it didn't work out. And I can't figure out what happened. I did what I did, and I have to live with it. And not knowing what could have been makes me really sad. Maybe if I had been cool, calm, and let him come to me, the attraction and respect wouldn't have been lost. Maybe if I had played my cards right. Maybe he is just a jerk, but my actions muddle it so bad. What if he was a good guy, and really liked me and was just as excited about me as I was of him, and then I popped his bubble and he was like: peace. He surely had a casual approach, but I think a lot of guys are this way now, and they let it organically grow into something. Maybe he was dating a few people and trying to decide who he liked. When I pushed him, and pressured him, and acted needy, it made him want to get rid of me. And now he is prolly hanging out with some cool fun chick who didn't act all needy. But I would argue he definitely wasn't giving me a fair shake. If he seriously wanted to get to know me, we would have gone on a date. And all his weekends wouldn't be consumed with god knows what.
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 Thanks Maysj18, I hope you never really like a guy and think you are in something you are not. I honestly thought my actions were bad, which is why I apologized and baked him cookies. I don't want your sympathy honey, I don't expect you to understand. You don't sound like the soft hearted sweet kind that I am. If you don't have anything constructive to say, maybe you could reserve your judgement. Thanks.
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 also you obviously have no idea about how good this guy is in bed just saying. might have mad you chase him too.
thecrucible Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 adarling, I think you are needlessly putting yourself down and you are making excuses for his poor behaviour. You made some mistakes which it's important to learn from but I still don't think he deserves the amount of ass kissing and excuses you are giving him. You just need to cultivate an attitude where respect is more important to you than one guy's attention, no matter how attractive he seems to the rest of the world. This takes time and some work on yourself which involves painful self-criticism. But you come out of the other side and it is worth it. People can sound blunt in their replies but it's of a lot more value to you than people saying 'oh what a jerk' etc. But I know that you know this because you come across to me like a thoughtful and self-reflective person who can take other people's opinions well. (sorry that wasn't meant to sound patronising!) I have experienced exactly what you have. I really have and I know how you feel. And I think what everyone here can see clearly is based on their dating experiences. I met a guy similar to your guy recently Recently I had a guy who asked me out on a 'not a date' - we hung out with his friends in a bar. This was a handsome guy (but within my league) who I felt instantly attracted to and we kissed. He tried to get me in a bed afterwards. And he did this the next couple of times we met up. I wasn't playing mind games with him, just sensed his intentions weren't all that and I told him I liked him and felt attracted but that I wanted to get to know him as a person too. Eventually I knew that he was trying to get me to chase him and make more effort than he did and I just didn't go for it. I said "I know that if you were really interested in me, you would keep trying"...and I didn't mean I sit and wait for a guy to do all the work. I just know that if I say no to sex with a guy who actually sees me as girlfriend material, he isn't going to stop spending time with me. He stopped pursuing me after that. I saved myself a lot of heartache. I have shed zero tears for him but I don't hate him either - just over it. Sorry that was a long example, but OP, once you have a few good experiences of exercising your judgement under your belt, you gain the confidence for later on and it feels really good when you know you can trust yourself to act in your best interests. I know this from my own bad experiences! 1
BluEyeL Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 The guy is a huge arsehole and treatment towards you makes me want to puke. You have big issues with your self esteem and you absolutely have to start seeing a shrink and immediately start seriously working on that before you go out and date. Hope you do that, I really do. I'm not that pretty but I cannot relate. I would break his legs before I let a guy treat me like that. Forceful? Never let anyone treat you with anything less than utmost respect. If guys wanted sex on the first, second or even third date with me, I'd be angry. How DARE this arsehole even think that a woman like me (I.e. effing awesome) sleep with him when he's a stranger? I also occasionally enjoyed going out with a guy that acted like an entitled jerk and clearly thought I'd put out, just to enjoy seeing him how he doesn't get any of the action he expected. Haha. Do that, not bake them cookies and act crazy.
thecrucible Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I honestly thought my actions were bad, which is why I apologized and baked him cookies. I think that's a really sweet thought . You should definitely not react to this situation by stopping being sweet completely (this will actually weed out decent guys who'll like you); it's just a case of reserving those gestures for guys that have actually earned it. It was a lovely thought but to any decent person, an apology would have been enough of an acknowledgement of something you might have done wrong. For a guy who hasn't earned it, that kind of gesture could look like you are trying to earn his affection (if you're not in a relationship, they might think you are acting like you are in one already). I think it would be largely the same if the genders were reversed.
maysj18 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Why do you continuously blame yourself for your actions and wishing you could turn back the clock? There is NOTHING worth chasing about this man. He is forceful, manipulative (making that comment about becoming a one night stand was nothing more than him getting angry you weren't putting out), and crazy. He doesn't want you, he doesn't like you, and you are nothing but a toy to him. He doesn't try to hide it either. What on earth makes you want him still? What could he possibly give you? Why didn't you laugh in his face and walk away with your dignity at the beginning? That's why I have no sympathy for you. That isn't you being a sweet girl, that's you being a doormat. He didn't deserve a call back, apologies, or cookies; he deserved to be deleted and never thought of again. You deserve to be respected and treated like a human being. Until you realize that, you will always be that "crazy, stupid girl". 1
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 Maysj18- you are totally right. And I wish I had your foresight on this. I got wrapped up. What can I say.I got seduced and dominated by a hot guy. And I played my role well. Submissive and compliant. But to tell you the truth I liked that role. It was hot and fun for a minute. But it crossed a line. From bedroom to real world. There was a few times in bed where he said disturnbiing things like, "he diddnt just want to control me "you know what' but he wanted inside y mind" And he did a good job. I think the weird crazy dominerring sex put me in a weird head space and allowed me to put up with more than I should have. He was so alpha in bed, like "you are mine, this is mine" "you will come over here and spread your legs when I say so" type stuff. Which can be hot when you're playing in bed, but I think all that infiltrating every other aspect of our relationship. I felt dominated. I felt weak. I felt like I had to do what he said or he was gonna take it away. I know I should have been more powerful. But in a weird way I liked that he was so alpha. I just didn't like that he turned on me and insteaqd of treating me like a love cushion rtreated me like a dumb bimbo who should be ****ed like a whore.
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Sorry, I wasn't implying you put out easy. I've been in the same situation, where there was such a strong click on the first date it just felt natural to have a great ending. And I didn't judge her at all for it. But i've had dates where we could barely keep the conversation going, yet we still slept together. Those are the one's I don't take seriously as gf material afterwards. Ok I understand now. Yeah the dates I slept with on the first date - I had fireworks and intense chemistry AND we got along like a house on fire= that combination will lead to sex for me ONLY if they appear relationship orientated and there are NO red flags. But I also fully acknowledge that it is a HUGE risk sleeping with them on the first date - many men will lose respect EVEN if you are not the type of girl who usually puts out on date one..... Many guys who otherwise were into you can lose interest after sex on the first date - they instinctively just lose interest. I was wrong to have sex on the first date. Now I have no idea if he is stringing me along for sex or whether he is genuinely interested. Most men wont stay genuinely interested after first date sex sadly, even if you are good, loyal and loving partner.
Author adarling Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) edited version had to say something Edited February 11, 2015 by adarling
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