BF (m/26) was in love with his ex when we first met. How do I get over that?

[BaGordon]

So I (f/27) have been dating my wonderful bf (m/26) for 15 months now. This past year has been a dream, relationship wise. He treats me so well and attends to my every need. We are best friends and lovers and both don't think it can get any better than this. The problem, however, is that we got off to a very rocky start.

I first met him 2 yeas ago now. When me met he was in a 4 year long but unhappy relationship with his college gf. Upon meeting me, sparks flew and he promptly broke up with her. He asked me out a week later and I accepted. We saw each other very casually for the next month when he disappeared without any explanation. I chalked it up to his recent break up and didn't really make a fuss and tried to move on.

4 months later he reaches out apologizing for how he acted and cited his residual feelings for his ex gf as the reason for his behavior. I said, it was too soon after his break up to date anyway so I understand where he was coming from. I took him back and we went on 4 very cautious dates where we kissed only on our 4th get together.

He, then, again promptly disappeared and confessed to his feelings for his ex only when I angrily confronted him over a phone call.

We didn't speak properly again until 3 months later when he started texting me. We cautiously started talking just as friends where we discovered we had many mutual interests. We continued texting/emailing until 3 months later when he officially asked me on a date. Despite my friends' warnings, I accepted.

I haven't looked back since because the relationship we found after the 2 false starts has been wonderful. We did have some hiccups starting out.

Out of curiosity, and to protect myself, I looked over his texts a month ago and found that he has been texting with his ex pretty consistently throughout our dating. Last christmas, he went to grab lunch with her when she was in town, and they then texted each other about what they got for christmas. They also wished each other happy birthdays and he texted her a couple times asking how her work has been.

I didn't see anything incriminating but was upset that despite our history, he didn't respect me enough to cease contact with her.

I also had an incident where I saw that she kept liking his fb pictures that I put up and I expressed to him that I didn't like seeing her name popping up on my fb. He got super defensive and said he will not delete her or block her because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings and come across as a jackass. I told him he was putting her feelings over mine and since I'm his gf, and especially given our history, it was very insensitive to respond like that. He conceded and offered to delete HIS fb, so I didn;t have to see her name but I said he didn't need to.

Other than that...we've been having a lot of fun. We have exchanged I love yous and are talking about moving in together. He has expressed that I am his "the one" and is thinking about proposing soon. I can tell that he IS finally in love with me and wants me in the way I have wanted him for a long time. However...a part of me now feels resentful that I chose to put up with him in times when he was clearly not giving me his 100% and that even initially in our 15 months of officially dating, a part of his loyalty belonged to her.

I have tried to talk to him about my resicual hurt feelings but he seems to want to put it behind us. He says he has done more than enough to demonstrate to me that i am his no.1 priority and that he loves me and he doesn't understand what else he has to do. He doesnt want to be dragged through the coals again and doesn't want to be made to feel ****ty about stuff he did that he regrets 2 years ago.

How should I approach this? Any input?

TL;DR; Bf was clearly in love with his ex during the first part of our relationship. Even though he is over her now and is devoted to me, I still feel hurt and resentful. When I talk to him about it, he gets defensive and upset that I keep wanting to bring it up. Help?

[dyna85]

I don't know if you can necessarily 'get over it.' The better question would be, can you live with it, since the shaky start did happen? I can understand your concerns and feeling unsettled about his ex still being in the picture. That is a bit of let down to know he was keeping in touch during special occasions. Although it could be explained away as it being normal to have the odd contact here and there given their significant history together, the question is, when the shoe is on the other foot, it doesn't feel too good. Same goes for the FB thing. I would be annoyed too, and feel put off by his response. It's a little too protective of her feelings and seems like he's unwilling to truly put both feet in the door (sorry for the foot analogies). I mean, it's not like they have kids or anything where they need to be in contact, so he's consciously choosing to stay in touch and making sure that his actions don't offend her or hurt her -- in a sense, at the cost of your feelings.

 

While some may argue that some exes can be purely platonic with one another, I always wonder, because to me, it just seems like there's something lingering in the air. I mean, the fact that his ex was liking so many of his FB pics is a bit much.

 

I don't think you should discount how you feel and/or suppress your feelings, because that is how resentment builds. As for how to approach it though, maybe some counseling would help, since you're planning on possibly tying the knot?

 

Seems a bit shady to me, on a gut level, but I could be wrong. I say, go with your gut. He should be willing to communicate with you and respect how you feel. That's kind of a necessary component to a healthy relationship.

 

The fact that he gets defensive, tells me something's up...