so gutted Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I feel alone. A guy I have been dating has suddenly gone a bit cold. He texted me from abroad last week (with a map showing where he is) saying he had to leave in an emergency as his father was ill. His father is now here and in hospital. I called to see how he was. He was out with friends and kept it brief. Has not called back. I texted him a few times while abroad too. Just want to show my support but so far i feel its 1 sided.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Just give him some time and space, especially if you're still in the early phases of dating.
amaysngrace Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 So he had his dad shipped from the hospital overseas to one near you? What's he have? Ebola?
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 See what happens when dad's condition stabilizes.
Author so gutted Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 His dad was in another continent 9 hours away. He brought him back for medical treatment here. He sms me as soon as he got there to tell me he is there. As soon as he landed back here he sms me also. All weekend he also called me (we missed each other). It just seems like he is now backing off.
WonderWoman911 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 To me, his only concern right now is his father. You said that he's still sending you messages, and all weekend he has called you. Just give him the space that he needs. Don't become a nuisance or selfish just to satisfy your personal needs. Hope that his father gets better. 1
Author so gutted Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Yes it seems he has got the support he needs elsewhere. When I rang him yesterday he seemed impatient and weary ( was with friends). Maybe it has put things into perspective and im not important. Also means he gets away with v day thing.
elaine567 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Also means he gets away with v day thing. Pardon? His father is potentially dying in hospital and you are worried about V day... 3
Author so gutted Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Pardon? His father is potentially dying in hospital and you are worried about V day... When i rang him he wAs out with mates.
rester Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 He's probably more comfortable going through this tough time with his friends that he's known for a long time. Let him know you're there for him if he needs you, but then give him some time to deal with his father. His father is sick. The last thing I would do is put pressure on him for Valentine's Day. 2
Author so gutted Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 He's probably more comfortable going through this tough time with his friends that he's known for a long time. Let him know you're there for him if he needs you, but then give him some time to deal with his father. His father is sick. The last thing I would do is put pressure on him for Valentine's Day. Yes- i just feel sidelined. I have tried, do not want to look stalkerish. It just seems i never make the grade.
Author so gutted Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Sms him today. He called back straightaway. Apologized for not ringing back. Dad has kidney issue (very old) and they could not operate as he was weak. He has been in And out of hospital. Had weekend away surprise booked for me but now waiting for operation on dad. He has not lied before. Bad timing.
rester Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Sms him today. He called back straightaway. Apologized for not ringing back. Dad has kidney issue (very old) and they could not operate as he was weak. He has been in And out of hospital. Had weekend away surprise booked for me but now waiting for operation on dad. He has not lied before. Bad timing. I think his response to you is a very good sign. It's bad timing, but nothing you can do about it other than wish his father well. 2
Omei Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 (edited) You have to remember everything in your 4 month relationship is very new you won't be privy to all his emotional turmoil esp if it's a family matter, and you shouldn't be because its so early it's likely he doesn't want to show someone so new these things you still have and trust me when I say A LOT to learn about each other having you be his support and go to person won't come until much later you don't want it this early anyway because you don't know 100% how he works or what he would need yet. Him caring about his father so much is a + it means he values family and when times are tough he gives them priority over new connections that means in the future you too will become a priority if you make it that long so don't spoil it. And I wouldn't expect a valentines day gift if he doesn't do anything cut him a little slack with his situation and how new your relationship is I wouldn't have too much hope wait for next year id say is a good point to expect those things. Edited February 13, 2015 by Omei 1
Author so gutted Posted February 14, 2015 Author Posted February 14, 2015 You have to remember everything in your 4 month relationship is very new you won't be privy to all his emotional turmoil esp if it's a family matter, and you shouldn't be because its so early it's likely he doesn't want to show someone so new these things you still have and trust me when I say A LOT to learn about each other having you be his support and go to person won't come until much later you don't want it this early anyway because you don't know 100% how he works or what he would need yet. Him caring about his father so much is a + it means he values family and when times are tough he gives them priority over new connections that means in the future you too will become a priority if you make it that long so don't spoil it. And I wouldn't expect a valentines day gift if he doesn't do anything cut him a little slack with his situation and how new your relationship is I wouldn't have too much hope wait for next year id say is a good point to expect those things. Thanks. I asked if the operation went ahead yest and he did not respond. Possibly, he did not want to spoil my evening ( as he asked what I was up to and i said i was going out with girls). So he is not telling me the situation He did say we could meet a bit later, but i think it all depends on how the op went. So, i have no idea if the op happened And if we are meeting. Just got a happy v day sms from him.
Author so gutted Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 So we met on v day. He had a few drinks and mentioned that he liked me and he was more free with me know (since we got a bit more intimate but not all the way). I met a few of his family members (cousins) and they all seemed to know about me. They knew who i was and had seen pics of me and knew other things so clearly he has talked about me to them? He said he would not have waited so long if he wasnt interested and mumbled something about his kids. I think he is unsure about how it will affect them if a new woman is around. I also asked if he was going to disappear after this, he said no. But he has been silent. Is he getting cold feet?
scorpiogirl Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 His father is old and having health problems. If I were a guy dating you, I'd be very put out that you're more concerned about the relationship status than being emotionally supportive, even if it's just in the background. even if he is getting cold feet, why would you push it now? Your desperation is what's keeping you single. When will you learn? 2
kendahke Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 I also asked if he was going to disappear after this, he said no. But he has been silent. Is he getting cold feet? That question would have put me off, too--especially seeing you've only known each other 4 months. Do you have an expectation of men disappearing at the 4 month mark? What is your usual history with men and relationships? The illness or potential death of a parent is one of the biggest stressor in one's life and you're only paying lip service to understanding that. People who have known him for far longer than you are who he's going to rally around at this point. A new relationship is going to take a back seat, especially when it's with someone who's got insecurity issues like yours that you seem to want him to put everything else down to pay attention to you. Really? His father is ill!!! He appears to be moving heaven and earth to make sure he gets the proper care he needs. Maybe his friends are helping him and his family out in ways he has not told you about yet and that's why he's spending time with them. You'd be better served by stop making this all about you and understand that he's dealing with something no child ever wants to deal with. If you say you're being understanding, then you're going to have to be more understanding; and if you can't, then you need to bounce because he can only bend so far before he breaks, emotionally and YOU will be the one dropped off at the mall--not his friends, not his family and not his father. 1
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 The potential death of a parent is a huge deal in most people's lives, the potential death of a grandparent can also be very traumatic. He has to look after his kids too here. Some families, if close, can take years to get over severe illnesses and death, so this may be an ongoing issue for a long, long time. I think you need to put your own needs and anxieties on the back burner as he doesn't need the extra pressure. If he feels he is being pressurised by you he will bin you in favour of people he has known all his life or people who put no pressure on him and actually help him.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Wow - everyone says 4 months is nothing but to me, we should be comfortable talking about family and illness looong before 4 months (assuming you have been in contact/seeing each other steadily). 2
scorpiogirl Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Wow - everyone says 4 months is nothing but to me, we should be comfortable talking about family and illness looong before 4 months (assuming you have been in contact/seeing each other steadily). 4 months is not nothing but the OP is more worried about her girlfriend status than his father's illness. Four months ( IF there was steady communication, as you said too) IS long enough for her to be there for him and not worry about what they'll be doing for Valentine's Day. If she follows the endless advice she's been given here many times before, she'd be better equipped to deal with her usual insecurities, but this would push me away. However, people post here time after time with the same issues. They ask for advice, don't follow it, ruin whatever chance they had them come back weeks later with the same issue. 1
Author so gutted Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Im thinking of myself because this is the first time we have been intimate and i have heard nothing. His father is out of hospital now. I feel used, a little sensitivity from him would help.
scorpiogirl Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 Im thinking of myself because this is the first time we have been intimate and i have heard nothing. His father is out of hospital now. I feel used, a little sensitivity from him would help. I can understand that. The timing is also a bit convenient. send the father flowers and ask for the address for the florist. Don't let them tell you they will take it to him, If he really is that sick the gesture will he appreciated By by the family. If not you will soon know. You might have to let go of this one. If he comes back, then try. If not, you're better rid of him. That's all. No more questions, no more "can I see you" requests" or sulking until the father has gone one wAy or the other.
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