AMG345 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 OK. I need to get this out there as I have no one that I can talk to. To make it clear - I am not feeling sorry for myself in any way shape or form there is only one person I feel sorry for and that is the innocent party - not that I am sure she would ever want my pity. I recently started having an affair with a married man - which goes against everything I have ever believed in and goes completely against all my natural instincts. It started out with just flirting at work. I was flattered but ignored it, rebuffing the cheeky emails and comments - knowing his situation it was something that I said I would never get involved in. The flirting went on for a while, I wouldn't say he pursued me but he was very forthcoming for a man in his situation. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm special or that he chose me because he wants anything more from me than sex - I am a fairly attractive single 30 year old woman who definitely doesn't need to be creeping around with someone else's husband but it happened and now I don't know what to do. I have tried keeping him at arms length, ignoring texts, turning off my phone and trying not to think about him but he has really gottren under my skin and now it's all I think about. Like anyone else who has ever been part of an affair I've been listening to all the nice things he says, getting caught up in the what if thoughts and if only, dreaming about a future where we will be together but I know that he will never leave his wife and we will never have that future. How to I get out of this? I feel like I need someone to slap me round the face and ask me what the hell I am doing getting involved worth someone who has a wife and young children. Why would I even want to do that?! Is it even possible that you could fall in love with someone in this situation or is it all just part of the fantasy, just another lie? I am so cross with myself for feeling this way. I hate myself for doing it and I know what I need to do but right now that seems to be easier said than done. Sorry for the blurb, I just needed to get it out there, I don't even know what I am expecting people to say because if I was reading this I would think I was a complete c--nt! Oh wait, I already do! Does anyone have any advice on how they removed themselves from such a toxic situation?
Josmatjes Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Your not a bad person. He is just wearing you down. My xmm did the same to me. You need to tell him to stop before it goes any further. Trust me it can only get worse! 2
Friskyone4u Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Congratulations on at least recognizing that this may not be such a great move so early on. Now if this has just started , there is no way you should be in such a fog that you cannot end this before it gets any uglier. You might want to start with a therapist to find out why an attractive 30 year old woman wants to be used for sex and is fine with it. Also, if you are still working with this OM, understand that if his wife finds out , and she probably will at some point , a call to HR from her may end both of your careers, especially if he is your boss or subordinate . No one thinks they will get csught, but when it happens it will be swift and sudden. Get out now before it becomes really messy for you. You will forego healthy relationships with single men because you will be cheating on them with your MM from the first day. So you'll bounce from guy to guy not wanting to get involved because of your little secret. And then when it blows up you will feel awful for your time as a mistrsss 2
CherryBlossomSkirt Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 *hugs* This is difficult that you have developed feelings with this person and are imagining a future with him. Also you work with him. I'm not sure what you can do but I'm here to offer support and a listening ear. 1
Author AMG345 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) Thank you all for replying - I am very grateful for your input. We aren't working together anymore but I still wouldn't want people at work to know - we worked for a small company and people knew everyone's families, it was that kind of place. I know I now need the courage to tell him we can't carry on doing this, even though I do enjoy it when we are together I am really starting to resent the time we aren't. It's not healthy for anyone involved and the consequences could be catastrophic for his wife and their young children and that Would never sit well with me. To be honest I don't know how it even got this far, I guess I wanted sex and enjoyed feeling wanted I just always thought I had more about me to be able to say no in that situation. I've been weak. I'm not going to contact him if I can help it. Perhaps in another life, in another time we could have been right for eachother, but this is not our time and he is not mine. I have to shut it down before We damage his marriage anymore than we already have. Edited February 11, 2015 by AMG345
jellybean89 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 What do you mean "how do you get out of it"? Tell him you are done being his mistress. Tell him you respect yourself too much. Tell him you are not a toy that he takes out when it's convenient for him. Step replying to his messages, stop contacting him. If you can't find the willpower to control your actions, then you need more help than the internet can give you. 1
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Thank you all for replying - I am very grateful for your input. We aren't working together anymore but I still wouldn't want people at work to know - we worked for a small company and people knew everyone's families, it was that kind of place. I know I now need the courage to tell him we can't carry on doing this, even though I do enjoy it when we are together I am really starting to resent the time we aren't. It's not healthy for anyone involved and the consequences could be catastrophic for his wife and their young children and that Would never sit well with me. To be honest I don't know how it even got this far, I guess I wanted sex and enjoyed feeling wanted I just always thought I had more about me to be able to say no in that situation. I've been weak. I'm not going to contact him if I can help it. Perhaps in another life, in another time we could have been right for eachother, but this is not our time and he is not mine. I have to shut it down before We damage his marriage anymore than we already have. Bolded. If you really feel that way, then you WILL end it and stay away from him. Anything short of that is your own weakness and selfishness to hang onto to a MM that you know isn't leaving his wife and kids for you. Be strong and tell him it's over. Otherwise, if you don't, you will all suffer the consequences when you're caught. 2
stillafool Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Like anyone else who has ever been part of an affair I've been listening to all the nice things he says, getting caught up in the what if thoughts and if only, dreaming about a future where we will be together but I know that he will never leave his wife and we will never have that future. What is it? Do single men not say nice things to women anymore? Is it only the MM who say nice things? OP, if you are 30 and good looking why are you wasting it on someone you will never have? If you plan to get married and have children you cannot afford to throw your good years away on some MM. Don't be so desperate for pretty words that you end up wasting your youth. 2
Friskyone4u Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 AMG You're starting on be right track. I cannot believe single men don't give compliments and don't want sex. Don't start making up reasons to continue. The reason not to continue is he is not leaving his wife , you are nothing but a play toy, and I know it is hard to accept that but if you do not have to see this person at work there is no excuse to not be able to cut him out of your life. Block him from your social media and don't take his calls at work. He will get the message. Every time you backwards you start the clock again 1
Daisy80 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Amg I will start by saying this... There is no nice way to end an affair. Either you walk away yourself (and he will try to talk you out of it believe me) or you continue and he leaves on his terms ( he's had enough or the wife finds out). If I could do a re-do well I would never have my affair but even if I did I would chose the first option! It is so much better than the heartache and humiliation that comes with it ending on his terms. You got caught up in a bad situation due to whatever reason but end it while you still have sanity left. I remember early on I sounded like you...that rational voice that thought I am a side thing, he is not leaving nor do I want to destroy his marriage. The longer he feeds you crap the more your rational side will diminish and you will be like why or when will he leave his wife? Does he love me? How could he? Spare yourself the agony!!! Leave him on your terms you will look back and have dignity! 3
MuddyRock Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Simply tell him you are no longer interested in being a side piece and if he doesn't leave you alone you will be telling his wife. You don't really have to tell but just hearing it or reading it is enough to send the coward away tail tucked. 3
janetl Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 OP, I was in an emotional affair with a married co-worker. Very similar situation like you. I completely understand why you have been weak and how that works. You have caught yourself in the right time. Just stop and get out before anyone gets hurt. Most of all, you get hurt. If you have realized it this far, you are almost there. Be strong, stay strong. Keep talking here, we are all here to listen and support. 2
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 If he's married and persuing you, you have your answer! The question to ask yourself is, " what does he want/need from me." Don't sell yourself short! 1
Author AMG345 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) Thanks everyone. I don't know why I felt like he could give me anything I couldn't get elsewhere. I've never been particularly lucky in love (and clearly still am not!) I have a son of my own so am already a single parent and not so long ago split with my long term partner (not DS dad, that was over before I found out I was pregnant!) I guess when I thought I had feelings for him I wanted to hang on to that when in reality I should have stopped, really looked at the situation and told myself to get a grip. Just because I'm 30 and single doesn't mean I needed to take the first bit of attention that came along since my break up, especially when it came attached to an innocent wife and kids. I am going to ignore him and if he questions it I will tell him why. The thing is i want marriage, a husband and a future and that is definitely not going to come from him and I absolutely don't want to be responsible for the demise of his. Again, thanks so much for your responses. Edited February 11, 2015 by AMG345 1
Friskyone4u Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Now you're talking straight. You will find a good man for marriage and a future for you and your child but not by sitting around waiting for some guy to sneak over and she sex with you. If he persists tell him you'll tell his wife if he does not leave you alone . 2
stillafool Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Absolutely, you are still young with only 1 child you will get a good husband for you and your child. Good luck. 1
the_artist_1970 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Thanks everyone. I don't know why I felt like he could give me anything I couldn't get elsewhere. I've never been particularly lucky in love (and clearly still am not!) I have a son of my own so am already a single parent and not so long ago split with my long term partner (not DS dad, that was over before I found out I was pregnant!) I guess when I thought I had feelings for him I wanted to hang on to that when in reality I should have stopped, really looked at the situation and told myself to get a grip. Just because I'm 30 and single doesn't mean I needed to take the first bit of attention that came along since my break up, especially when it came attached to an innocent wife and kids. I am going to ignore him and if he questions it I will tell him why. The thing is i want marriage, a husband and a future and that is definitely not going to come from him and I absolutely don't want to be responsible for the demise of his. Again, thanks so much for your responses. You absolutely deserve a man of your own who loves you and only you. It would help you if you tightened your boundaries with men who are attached. Don't make friends or spend time alone with attached men and you won't have to worry about feelings being developed. I know of several nice single men around your age. One in particular who just built a home in our neighborhood and he told my DH that women around his age usually have commitment issues and prefer MM. Don't be one of those women. 2
Broom Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 OP, I am going through a similar situation. Got involved with MM @ work after a bad break-up. It's a horrible situation. I know why you're weak. This guy comes along, even though married, telling you things and making you feel special and wanted. It feels nice. And like you, you tell yourself that he's married and you would never be /THAT/ girl. So you talk yourself into enjoying the flirting and attention, while being secure (at the time) that you could limit it to just that... And then you find yourself slowly sucked in. You start to anticipate the next flirting moment, his arrival, the compliments, the attention. You start to want those moments more. And you start reciprocating or even initiating it yourself. This is when you really start falling down. But trust me, it is hard. 1
Author AMG345 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 Broom, what happened? Are you still involved or did you cut contact?
Lokin4AReason Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 its good to hear, and I bet its difficult being in this situation ... rumors spread like wild fire in a small company. just keep it clean and professional ( and hopefully he ll get the point ) same things happening in here. no one is talking but I see signs w/ people in the office atmosphere stating other things ( at how they are acting ). but who am I to say .... be strong and chin up. you ll find a good one in your area =0) 1
Author AMG345 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 Thank you all for taking the time to reply, your comments are really helping me to get a handle on this.
Broom Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Broom, what happened? Are you still involved or did you cut contact? Not entirely. I went through cycles of low contact and some spells when I was just full avoiding/ignoring him. However, we work together and I have to deal with him so it's impossible to keep up. I had already found the periods of self-imposed LC very rough to deal with. It was when I realized how much the interaction and talking with him helped with breaking the boring tone here at work. And sometimes we will still talk but not nearly as often. I was already in deeper than I thought I was, deeper than I ever thought I would be. 1
CrystalShine2011 Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Sorry that you are going through this. End it before it gets worse! You deserve a better situation in life. 1
Popsicle Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 What is it? Do single men not say nice things to women anymore? No, they don't. That's the truth. Is it only the MM who say nice things? Yes they are but we all know why. 1
Popsicle Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 You absolutely deserve a man of your own who loves you and only you. It would help you if you tightened your boundaries with men who are attached. Don't make friends or spend time alone with attached men and you won't have to worry about feelings being developed. I know of several nice single men around your age. One in particular who just built a home in our neighborhood and he told my DH that women around his age usually have commitment issues and prefer MM. Don't be one of those women. Yes, nowadays I find out if they are married/committed before anything happens. If they are, I just stop talking to them immediately. They WILL keep talking to you and flirting if you allow it. 1
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