ExtraSpice Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 The topic is pretty much about having friends of opposite gender when you are in a relationship. I want to hear about people who have opposite gender friends whilst in a relationship or maybe their significant others have such friends. What has the relationship been like? How often do you talk to them? How often do you hang out? What do you do when you hang out? And if your significant other has one then how do you feel about? What are your boundaries? I would just like to get a general idea of how these relationships play out in other peoples lives.
Honeybunnies Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I have male friends I have known longer than have been with my boyfriend - and he has female friends he has known longer. We would never tell each other who we can and cannot be friends with. With that said, I hang out with my male friends in group settings about twice a month, never one-on-one. He does the same with his group. Sometimes I go with him or he goes with me. When having friends of the opposite sex, I value trust most importantly, followed by respect and communication. I would never put myself in a situation that would disrespect my boyfriend. I also think it's important to meet each other's friends. If my boyfriend was hesitant to introduce me to a female friend of his - big red flag! 5
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 My golden rule is that an opposite sex friend must be a 'friend of the relationship'. Not necessarily hanging out with both parties, but they must be a person who is not doing to cause trouble in the relationship for any reason, whether it's because they have feelings for their taken friend or they're trying to split the relationship up for another reason. I have male friends and my boyfriend has female friends. I probably see my male friends more than he sees his female friends because the friends he spends most time with tends to be the guys in his band, whereas I have lots of individual friends rather than one main group and I'd say my friends are about 50/50 male/female. Over the course of the relationship (a year) I've introduced him to most of my male friends, and I've met the female friends he spends time with. I do see my male friends alone but usually when my boyfriend is busy and can't come along, and vice versa when he sees his female friends, but it's kinda an open invite that if we're both free and one plans to meet up with a friend of the opposite sex, we can come along too. It sounds all really planned and full-on when I say it like that but it really isn't in practice, we are both really not fussed about the other party seeing a friend alone it just happens that over time you tend to become friends with each other's friends too, especially when you live together. It's almost more natural to bring each other along when we're seeing an opposite sex friend whereas if I was seeing my girls or he his boys it might be more like a 'no, you go and enjoy your boy's night'. Sometimes we'll be off to see a friend and the other person won't fancy it because they're chilling at home or whatever and it's just yeah go and have fun, enjoy yourself and there's no drama. As long as everything's open and honest I really don't see the problem with having friends of different genders at all. If you trust someone you should be able to trust them to maintain a friendship with someone without cheating. I have some absolutely wonderful male pals I'd NEVER 'go there' with and who I would never give up because they're like family and I could never cut out half of the population of the world as potential friends when there are so many awesome people out there. With most of my male friends we tend to just meet up for coffee or occasionally lunch, if it's a night out with drinks then usually there are other people there, girls, our partners, etc. Most of my friendships of both genders revolve around sitting in front of coffee and talking for hours on end haha. Not really one for doing activities with friends unless we go away on holiday. 1
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 (edited) Like Honeybunnies said, it's all about trust. I don't hide my male friends from the guys I'm dating. We sometimes hang out one-on-one for various reasons---helping them through a break-up, just to chat casually after work, catching up after a few months without seeing each other, etc---and only one guy I've ever dated has objected. I think most adults recognize you can have close opposite sex relationships that don't turn romantic. Besides, being open about your friends builds trust with your partner. My current boyfriend is incredibly extroverted. He is so close with so many people, male and female, that it's frankly amazing he has time for them all. But he never hides his phone or hesitates to tell me who he's talking to. That goes a long way. I have had two situations where my boyfriends didn't introduce me to certain female friends. One was with my current boyfriend. He has a female friend of his from college who lives several hours away and visits once or twice a year. She texts him often and it doesn't take a genius to determine she has unrequited feelings. Like I said above, he shows me messages as they come up, and though she's occasionally flirtatious he never flirts back. He talks about her in a sisterly way; he obviously really cares for her, but is also exasperated with how shallow and melodramatic she can be. He is not mentally or physically attracted to her (she's about a hundred pounds overweight, not his type) so it's never bothered me. She visited a while ago, not too long after we'd started dating, and despite peppering him with questions about me she made it clear she didn't want to meet me. After she left I had a talk with my boyfriend: attracted or not, I wasn't comfortable with it. He agreed, apologized profusely, and has told her she'll meet me next time. The other was an ex-boyfriend of mine. He didn't want to introduce me to this female friend of his. They had had a drunken makeout session a year ago and laughed it off, but he allegedly thought there were lingering feelings on her part. "When I'm with you, I just want to show you off, and that would probably seem offensive to her," he insisted, even though he admitted she was dating someone else. I took him at his word. Two months later he left me for her. Both were red flag situations. The difference came down to individual intentions. At the end of the day, it's about honesty and trust. Edited February 10, 2015 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ 1
BeatsByDirk Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 My wife has a male friend she been friends with for years, long before I met her. I didn't meet him until she and I broke up after dating for a year and we were starting to date again. He's a nice dude, very attractive, but just the worst with the ladies, he's got no game. Every chick he dated up until a year ago would tell him they were Poly and phase him out. He and I are a lot alike in a few ways but are worlds apart in others. They went to see all the middle earth movie because I think they are boring and when he come to town twice/thrice a year and they usually hit some middle eatern spot with belly dancing for dinner. He usually stays at my house for 2-3 days, he's a hippie so he gets annoying and He's not really my friend so I'm happy when he leaves but the friendship itself doesn't bother me. I don't necessarily want my wife making dude friends but if it happens so be it. Honestly if some situation occurred where it became more and she cheated or left me I think it would look at it as getting let off the hook. I love her but marriage to me is for raising a family, I do it for the kids, otherwise there is tons of booty out there I'm passing up.
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Some people are kind of funny about it. I think you can figure out a lot about these "friends" by seeing how they act around your SO. It was never a problem for me unless the friendship was over-the-top familiar. Didn't matter if it was a pal or an ex. What mattered most was the nature of the interaction between them. I always got the worst feelings when an SO tried to hide it or keep it away from me.
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I have tons of male friends. Some DH & I see almost every Friday. At this point they are our friends. Some I became friends with through work. I probably talk to 4-5 of them at least once every two weeks but other then maybe the polite How are you? What's new? questions which result in banal answers, our conversations are more about our industry. DH has never met most of them. One he does know & he & I have gone out with that guy & his wife. Another one will be attending a party with us in a few weeks because I'm trying to fix him up with a female friend of mine. One DH calls my "work husband". That guy & I attend a lot of work functions together because everybody likes having a wingman. I just spoke to that guy & was on the phone with him when DH came home from work. DH waved. I told that guy DH said hi. He then made a crack about me cheating on him with my husband, then we went back to talking about work. Every so often, less than 4x per year I might have lunch with one of these guys or meet them for a drink. If it's going to be more than an hour, spouses / SOs are welcome. They rarely come because me & that guy are talking about work which is boring to them. As long as everybody knows where the lines are drawn, opposite sex friends are fine. 2
Erised Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 The topic is pretty much about having friends of opposite gender when you are in a relationship. I want to hear about people who have opposite gender friends whilst in a relationship or maybe their significant others have such friends. What has the relationship been like? How often do you talk to them? How often do you hang out? What do you do when you hang out? And if your significant other has one then how do you feel about? What are your boundaries? I would just like to get a general idea of how these relationships play out in other peoples lives. My best friend is opposite gender. In relationships our interaction is much the same... only real difference is make sure to introduce my SO and make sure he feels very comfortable. I couldn't tolerate someone who doesn't trust me. I would never cheat, and my best friend would never help someone cheat.
mrs rubble Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 My fiancé talks to his female friends all day every day while he's at work. He's slept with several women we hang out with and he confesses to have "always had a thing" for one lady in particular we see 2-3 times a week. I'm not ok with it, although I trust him. I'm uncomfortable as I don't regularly see anyone I "have a thing" for or hang out with any of my previous sexual partners.
Winterina Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 My fiancé talks to his female friends all day every day while he's at work. He's slept with several women we hang out with and he confesses to have "always had a thing" for one lady in particular we see 2-3 times a week. I'm not ok with it, although I trust him. I'm uncomfortable as I don't regularly see anyone I "have a thing" for or hang out with any of my previous sexual partners. Ouch! That suxxx...be careful there. I agree with someone who said "friend of the relationship" is the measure. With me, it depends with whom I am. I dated guys who were all about female friends, and they even took pics of them naked because they thought it was artistic etc... They slept with their ex who was a friend. And I did not care too much. Because I never planned any future with these guys, it was casual and relaxed. It is not like it did not hurt, but it was not worth mentioning or arguing over. My bf now left most of his long term female friends. These girls were so called attention whores. When we were still in LDR and I was travelling across the world to see him, the moment I would arrive his female friend would come over and take all the attention to herself. She would talk to him for an hour from like an inch from his face, then when she was leaving she would hug him for two minutes, full body contact, kissing him and telling how much she loves him. It was entire cuddling session. Initially, I told him I don't want him to have those sessions any more with her and he stopped, but when he would go for a short friendly hug she would not want to let go and was pulling him still so he would almost have to fight her off... it became comical. So then I told him to cut physical contact with her altogether. He did but she insisted. Then she started acting weird, asking him to comment on some naked chicks they used to go to school with and who got naked for HBO. He ignored her. She insisted. Then one day she came over and just talked to his room mate. Ignored hi from me, ignored hi from him.... didn't say a word to us, did not look at us. So he stopped talking to her. She pretended like nothing is going on and gave some stupid explanations for her behaviour, like stress etc. So when we were moving and I flew out of the country a few hours earlier, she found out he will stay alone from his room mate, and came over to see him before he left and give him a fat letter which we never opened and threw to thrash. She also tried to give him one of her long hugs even though he asked her before to cut it out. Nothing happened ever between them and there was no attraction on either part. But this woman had to go for obvious reasons. She was the kind that needed to be the center of everyone's world, and she would accomplish this by sexualising her relationships with her single guy friends (not really having sex or wanting to but needed to act like that) who would dump her (on insistence of their GFs) the moment they would become seriously involved with someone. Another female friend of his was someone who was making a deal with him to marry her when she turns 40 if they are both still alone. We just started dating at the time. She would be sending him messages and asking to meet up, or go to the beach and never invited me. He never responded to her. It never stopped her to keep bombing him with invitations here and there. She had to go. Who the hell sends 10 messages without receiving a response anyway... Female friends in his life were just friends but many of them did not know their boundaries or where they belong. They did not acknowledge the fact that he is in a serious relationship and that things cannot go on as usual. For example, they cannot keep calling each other baby names, and stuff like that. Most were "attention whores", people who never stopped talking about themselves, and who in general never stopped talking. Most were not really valuable friends or particularly good human beings. So he just dumped them all, deleted from FB, etc. If he didn't I doubt I would ever take him as a serious bf material. He has only few female friends now. Those that do not have need to romanticise or sexualise any part of their relationships and who do not have need to compete with me for his attention.
Winterina Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 To continue...I have male friends. They are like brothers to me in as far as anything romantic goes from either side. My bf is treated as a part of the company and invited everywhere. I would not keep people around that would be any different.
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I too like the idea of the person being "a friend of the relationship" While many of my male friends don't necessarily fit into that because they have little to no interaction with DH, they are not harmful to the relationship because my friendship with them is not solely social; they have no hidden agenda & want to see me happy / in love rather than single. I was single for most of the time I have known them although they were married. Again, I was supportive of their marriages. The most "intimate" things we did together was I sometimes help them pick out gifts for their wives. (The wives knew this & would often call me to tell me what they wanted so the guys could "surprise" them lol) DH does have a few female friends, but mostly he interacts with them on FB & neither live around here.
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 I too like the idea of the person being "a friend of the relationship" While many of my male friends don't necessarily fit into that because they have little to no interaction with DH, they are not harmful to the relationship because my friendship with them is not solely social; they have no hidden agenda & want to see me happy / in love rather than single. Exactly... they don't necessarily need to actually be friends with both me and my partner, but they need to be a positive/friendly/neutral influence on the relationship or any relationship I'm in, rather than a negative one. If I have a male friend who is always trying to come between me and a boyfriend, or one who wants more and can't handle that it ain't gonna happen, then we wouldn't be friends anymore. But I expect them to respect my partner, just as I respect the partners of my male friends and make an effort to go outta my way to be friendly to them, to chat them them lots if I meet them, and to generally show that I'm no threat. I always think it's a good sign regarding a male/female friendship when one of you gets a new partner and the person is excited to show their new partner off to the friend, or to get their new partner to meet their awesome friend. I've got plenty of close male friends like that. I also have 'mates' who are just people I get on with and may see now and then, but by 'friend' in this scenario I mean someone who I go out of my way to see socially, not somebody I was once friendly with and still comment on statuses of on facebook, or workmates I rarely ever see anymore. 1
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