dwarf Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I dont know if any of you remember my story about my boyfriend ( now ex) being indecisive on what he wants in life and getting scared. Here are the spark notes: my ex boyfriend and i were together for 3.5 years, he is 27 i am 25. We have had our ups and downs by generally speaking we were always an amazing couple together ( we rarely fought etc). Well in october he decided that he didnt know if he was in love with me anymore ( he admitted it was due to the marriage stuff and he got scared...even though he was the one that brought up proposing). We took a week apart to think and he decided he wanted to make it work...then he didnt try really at all...instead kept me at a distance and coasted for 3 months only to tell me (after i coerced it out of him) that he wasnt sure still. Lots of crying on his end and trying for a week to fix things (until he saw a counselor) and then when he did see the counselor he decided he needed 2 weeks, i gave him the 2 weeks ( we were together but not seeing each other...i stayed with my parents). 2 weeks passes and i realized a lot ( that being that we never have any space...we live together have all the same friends and him being an introvert...he must have felt completely suffocated). Well in those 2 weeks i didnt initiate contact at all...in fact i made sure to give him his space well aware he may be using it to ease himself into the break up. Well i wrote him one email in the middle of the second week explaining what i thought our issue was with the space and how we never had separate lives (to which he replied and said he was on the same page) and i was hopeful we could fix it (for the first time). 2 weeks is over...he meets up with me and tells me he was easing into the break up during the 2 weeks ( unintentionally) and that he wants to break up....no thats not how he worded it it was "if i had to make a decision today, which i was under the impression i did, i would like to break up". And i said "are you sure you want to do this" and he said "i dont know that i'll ever be sure one way or another but this is what i was leaning towards". I said "ok. thats fine. What was the reason?" and he said "i just dont think we can fix it, like its too far gone". I dont remember what else we talked about in that time frame because the rest of the night was like...way more intense than this. I told him i would pick up my stuff that day...and he said i didnt have to. But i did. Why not rip the bandaide off right so we can both let go right? I get to the apartment and i start to pack my things....man packing your things is like the most terrible...i found old letters he wrote me...including this one on my birthday that he made super special and he looked at me and i looked at him and he started bawling....like full blown crying. I tried to comfort him, but he couldnt stop and kept saying how terrible it was that this happened and that it hurt a lot to see me packing. He said he was really sorry and it was his fault he pushed me away for 7 months and got us to this point. And i just sat there and listened. He asked if he could kiss me and i said ok. And we hugged for a really long time. I asked if he wanted to keep the pictures of us on the wall or should i take them and he said he wanted to keep them. And he was crying the whole time. Then he said he really regretted pushing me away for 7 months and causing this to happen because i was something special and you dont just lose special like that. That he thought we were something different and how did we get lost in all of this. That he always knew i was that person for him and that we would find each other...even if it was when we were 70..to spend our last years together (um...why not right now...or right because your too terrified to take the risk). He says "you'll always be my only b ( the nickname we use). Then he bawled full on and started having a panic attack and saying "im 27 what the hell am i doing, im 27....a quarter of my life is already gone and i could spend the last 3/4s missing you and regretting this". Of course...i dont even know what to say to this AT ALL. So i just say...its ok. its going to be ok. And hes like bawling saying " i should have held your hand more, i should have kissed you more and bought you flowers more. I should have been a better boyfriend" and i reply saying he was an amazing boyfriend to me...because he was. And then he goes on to say it kills him because he wont get to hug me when i get my job, or what i walk the stage and that it killed him he wouldnt be there for those moments. But he said he wanted to be there, and he didnt care if i rejected him he would bring me wine to congratulate me and smile when i walked the stage. Then he goes on to say that this was the hardest thing he had ever done in his life, that he hasnt had a long life but this was the most diffricult thing hes ever done. That the apartment wasnt his it was ours and he couldnt live there by himself and stare at this blank walls. That he couldnt even think to clean up because he didnt was to get rid of the parts of me that were there..and that if he could just stop time..and be like this with me here for longer he would. That every part of him felt like he was losing me piece by piece. He talked about the things he would always cherish and miss...that he would always remember me with that dorky smile i had when i laughed at my own jokes...the one where i scrunch up my nose and smile so big all my teeth show. That he would miss my knees, my ankles, my toes. That he knew i was the most beautiful girl. Not that he thought it, he just knew it. That he told george ( his close friend) about it and he said "dont worry other girls will be the most beautiful" and he said "no george she IS, there is no other opinion on that she is the most beautiful girl in all of the city and she always will be. I was the most beautiful woman, and so good to him. Then he mentions that he doesnt even know who he is without me...that he was 27 years old and he didnt know who he was ( a big thought in my head because i thought...well theres a problem that we would need to work on..but the lack of time apart probably had to do with that). He went on to say that if he had another chance ( which he does...i literally said i wanted to try no matter what but i think he didnt want to be wishy washy and change his mind again.. in such a rash way) that he would appreciate me every day. He would hold my hand the right way, he would look at me and give me everything i needed and deserved. He would never take me for granted ever again. Then he said the first person he would talk to would be my dad (apparently my dad said to him when i wasnt there "this is my only daughter. Dont hurt her. Shes all i have". And when he talked to my dad he would say " i am really sorry i did this to your daughter and hurt her, i do love her and i want to be with her. Shes the girl for me. I swear to you i will never hurt her again". So i am like 100% confused here....because im like already hes planning on how he would fix it? And we talked about the good and bad in our relationship...and we laughed a lot at all the times we did together. He said all the things he was once frustrated about became trivial to him now and they seemed to silly. He cuddled me for a long time. And then he apologized a million times again that it was his fault this happened, that he had a lot of thinking to do. He went on to say " you know, i had a plan to propose" and i said " i know" and then he said "it was a good one, you would have loved it." and he was bawling again at this point. Then he said "i never make future plans, im not a planner like you but the thought of us having kids and being married....something i used to never think about...that thought isnt so unreal anymore". Just the most emotional day ever. He said the whole apartment felt weird without me...i laid in bed with him ( he asked me to and i thought it was a fitting end....since it was such a sad goodbye) and we cuddled and kissed and he said he didnt think we should sleep together because he knew it would be hard for the both of us and that he wanted to leave it on us being ok and not upset. I decided i wanted to because i wanted to be close for one last time before we broke up. Then we did and it was the most...close and romantic situation then we laid there not wanting to accept that the next day would be what it was. I asked him what he was thinking and he said " im thinking, i should have always held you like this. And looked at you like this everyday". I got up, he said "you can sleep here" and i said " i cant sleep here, none of my things are here. I cant stare at these bare walls and think everything is ok. Just because we had this romantic ending doesnt change the fact that all my things are in the car and im leaving." and he got quiet. Then i was leaving and he was crying and hugging me and kissing me. He hugged me a million times and kissed me and then he watched me walk down the hall....until i was gone. So,.....i dont even know what to think
darkbloom Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 This is literally one of the most intense things I have read on here. It sounds like he really loves you but he really needs to find himself first. I would go NC and give him all the space he needs. It sounds like he will be beating down your door in no time. Sometimes you need a break up to find out who you really are. If you two are meant to be together you will link up. Be glad that you don't have to sleep there are stare at those empty walls. Keep your head up.
dyna85 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 This is like a serious love story right here. I agree w/darkbloom.
BlueIris Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 All I could think of as I read this was the quote by Nora Ephron: "Beware of men who cry. It's true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own." It's slanted for humor, but geeze.... This guy is really thrashing around as he breaks up with you. He is breaking up with you. And yet, somehow, he's managing to keep everyone's focus on his suffering. Sigh. 4
Ieris Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 It's weird isn't it how they say some of the nicest things they've ever said to you when they are breaking up with you... 2
Hija77 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 BlueIris NAILED IT. Honestly, I don't know how you put up with that display of histrionics!! What a mind f##k that must've been. His behavior was unfair and selfish, to say the least.
Elle1975 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 It's a nice story. Although all I see in what he said is "maybe one day", and to me "maybe one day" means it's over, because you're right when you say "why not right now" I don't like the way he's emotionally torturing you, and seeking your comfort, after breaking up with you. I was thinking "he got balls". To me the crying means nothing. I have read many stories where the dumper was crying (including mine), and it is confusing as hell, and unfair as hell too. I'd like to add that I am sure he cares, but because he broke up, he probably doesn't care enough to spend the next 50 years with you. Another woman? Maybe. Who knows? And really, who cares? Personally I'd take it at his own words. If it's over, then it's over, here is the door. You can knock on it again if you are 100% of what you want; if not, thank you but I have to heal, so leave me alone. That's what I think about the whole thing. 1
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