Men on dating sites who "parade" their kids on their OLD profile

[PinkInTheLimo]

I don't have kids but I don't mind a partner who has them.

 

However there is something which I have noticed on datingsites which I find really mindboggling, especially since it seems to happen quite often. Men who 1) post pictures of their kids on their dating profile and 2) in their first messages give a lot of detailed information on their kids (name, age, where they go to school, etc...)

 

First of all, you do not post pictures of your kids on your dating profile! Ever! Even if the pics are only seen by other members of the dating site. By doing so you totally breach the pricacy of your kids. If you post a pic of your kid you should ask their authorisation first and if they are young, they are not even in a position to give that authorisation.

 

Secondly, I get that your kids are important for you. But I will not give you brownie points for that because in my eyes it seems pretty obvious that they are important because why would you have kids if they are not important to you?

So all this talk about my kids are so important to me, I love them very much, they will always have priority, etc... will not make you look good in my eyes because this is simply natural. On top of it if one feels the need to explicitly say it, I start to wonder if you are actually an indifferent father who tries to look good.

 

Thirdly, if I just get to know you, I don't need to know more than how many kids you have (if you have 6 for example I might feel a bit reluctant to pursue the contact further, same if you have 4 with 3 different mothers) and how old they are (if they are 3 and 5 it's a different story than if they are 13 and 15 but that does not mean that I will lose all interest if the kids are still very young). I don't need to know where they go to school, where they work, where they play soccer, etc...

 

When people give so much information about their kids I get the feeling that they try to make a good impression via their kids whereas I want to get to know them in the first place and not their kids. And some might say that the relationship with their kids is so symbiotic that you can't really seperate them from their kids but in that case they are not relationship material.

 

What I find really shocking about this is that these people do not seem to understand that it is actually dangerous to give that much info on your kids because there are some real psychos out there. What if someone you don't want to see again goes ballistic and starts stalking your kids on Facebook?

[RedRobin]

I tend to agree with you. However, a lot of these guys simply don't have any kind of social life outside of their kids... And maybe have few friends, so they just post whatever pics they have.

 

So, it is kind of understandable from that aspect.

 

I know it is frustrating, but I try not to read too much into that until I meet the person.

[preraph]

They're looking for a babysitter. At least they're up front about it. There are plenty of guys desperate for a woman to take care of their kids post-divorce so that joint custody doesn't have to change their lives like it did the mother's life. I mean, don't you hear stories all the time how a couple divorces and then the guy marries or lives with another woman right away? My feeling is at least if they're advertising their kids, they're being up front about it, though showing very poor parenting skills posting their kids' photos online if it's not a private page. If you get involved with anyone with kids, you have to be prepared to do some sitting and parenting under the best of circumstances. If you don't want that (I don't), then don't get involved.

[PinkInTheLimo]

They're looking for a babysitter. At least they're up front about it. There are plenty of guys desperate for a woman to take care of their kids post-divorce so that joint custody doesn't have to change their lives like it did the mother's life. I mean, don't you hear stories all the time how a couple divorces and then the guy marries or lives with another woman right away? My feeling is at least if they're advertising their kids, they're being up front about it, though showing very poor parenting skills posting their kids' photos online if it's not a private page. If you get involved with anyone with kids, you have to be prepared to do some sitting and parenting under the best of circumstances. If you don't want that (I don't), then don't get involved.

 

I have had relationships with men with kids and I don't have the impression that all of them are in a hurry to look for a sitter or a co-parent. As a matter of fact the responsible ones are in general reluctant to have the new partner meet the kids before the relationship has become serious. I find this only normal.

 

Also, most of the men I meet are end of forties or early fifties and their kids are at an age when they don't really need a sitter any more.

 

Having a relationship with a dad means that to some extent you will have to deal with the kids. I have no problem with that. I am just surprised at the lack of discretion of some guys.

[TigerCub]

Totally agree with what you're saying Pink.

I find that men whose profiles say 'Have No Children' end up still having pics with a kid or 2

Like, who the **** is this?

 

Ugh!

I think some men out there think they look sweet when they have a picture with a kid because they think that most women would be like 'Aaaaawww, so cute!' - I'm not one of those women.

 

As for sending all that info about their kids - I've never experienced that - but I totally agree that is ridiculously inappropriate and unsafe! The person they are giving this info to could very well be a psycho, talk about not thinkin things through.

[deathandtaxes]

Then obviously these men are not for you.

 

I think you overestimate the risk of harm that can come to kids from parents putting their pictures online. Educate thyself.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Secondly, I get that your kids are important for you. But I will not give you brownie points for that because in my eyes it seems pretty obvious that they are important because why would you have kids if they are not important to you?

So all this talk about my kids are so important to me, I love them very much, they will always have priority, etc... will not make you look good in my eyes because this is simply natural. On top of it if one feels the need to explicitly say it, I start to wonder if you are actually an indifferent father who tries to look good.

 

Haha, you've put into words something so perfectly that I've always thought when you see women or men talking about how 'my kids are number one blah blah' it's like yes... and? I'd be worried if you DIDN'T feel that way. It comes across a little bit like they're trying too hard for some reason, and yes perhaps making up for some indifference or resentment. There's no good reason to say that stuff that I can see.

 

The fact that some people have so many identifying details of their kids on their page is madness to me, on a DATING site. I can understand on facebook where you choose who has access, if you are hot on your privacy settings (although it's still wise to be careful, I wouldn't discuss a child's school for example) but a dating site? It's so very inappropriate. If I had photos that happened to have a kid in them I'd blank their face out.

 

I actually ran across one guy on internet dating who had a photo of him around a heavily pregnant woman with her face blacked out. I asked him what that was all about and he said it was a photo of him and his ex, but he thought it was sweet cos his baby girl was in there at the time. I had to smile at the naivety of it I gotta admit, and although I wasn't interested in him myself I did warn him that most women would not go for a guy with a photo of him and his ex on his page, it made him look like he wasn't over her, or that he wasn't even single to begin with! He thanked me because he had honestly never even thought of it before, which blows my mind.

[Maleficent]

The way I see it, they probably just want to make sure people who look at their profile are aware they are dealing with a single parent (women do it, too)

 

As far as not posting the pictures on a dating profile...meh. Those photos are probably all on Facebook ayways.

[Maleficent]

Haha, you've put into words something so perfectly that I've always thought when you see women or men talking about how 'my kids are number one blah blah' it's like yes... and? I'd be worried if you DIDN'T feel that way. It comes across a little bit like they're trying too hard for some reason, and yes perhaps making up for some indifference or resentment. There's no good reason to say that stuff that I can see.

 

 

Ha yes. Like the people who say they don't like liars and cheaters and other bad behavious people.

****in' duh!

[RedRobin]

Unfortunately, a lot of those same people (men and women) are treating their kids like surrogate partners. Not sexually, of course... but in just about every other way.

 

 

Today's parents, and especially divorced ones, try way too hard to be 'friends' with their kids, instead of being a responsible parent.

 

 

Kids aren't and never should be a replacement for a loving partnership with another adult. But that is what it looks like to me in a lot of cases. It's not healthy for the kids or the parent.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Unfortunately, a lot of those same people (men and women) are treating their kids like surrogate partners. Not sexually, of course... but in just about every other way.

 

 

Today's parents, and especially divorced ones, try way too hard to be 'friends' with their kids, instead of being a responsible parent.

 

 

Kids aren't and never should be a replacement for a loving partnership with another adult. But that is what it looks like to me in a lot of cases. It's not healthy for the kids or the parent.

 

That is so true, RedRobin. They lean way too much on their children for a meaningful connection with another human being. That's basically emotional abuse.

 

If in a marriage one of the two partners gives more attention to the kids than to the other parent, that usually is a recipe for disaster.

 

I also think that after a divorce there is some kind of competition about which parent has the best connection with the kids.

[Haydn]

That is so true, RedRobin. They lean way too much on their children for a meaningful connection with another human being. That's basically emotional abuse.

If in a marriage one of the two partners gives more attention to the kids than to the other parent, that usually is a recipe for disaster.

 

I also think that after a divorce there is some kind of competition about which parent has the best connection with the kids.

 

So you have kids? A meaningful connection with my kids is very important to me. Not abuse.

 

As a parent, it is not a competition, each parent brings different things. You just accept that and learn that both of you are right in you`re own way with your kids. When seperated. (Like i am).

 

(Sorry OP, off topic a bit)

[Haydn]

You are the OP..........

 

Apologies, the kids stole the tablet....... (My mates)

[PinkInTheLimo]

So you have kids? A meaningful connection with my kids is very important to me. Not abuse.

 

A meaningful connection which is a parent-kid connection is perfectly OK.

 

Making your kids into friends and "confidantes" is emotional abuse because you push them in a role where they have to take care of you emotionally.

[RedRobin]

A meaningful connection which is a parent-kid connection is perfectly OK.

 

Making your kids into friends and "confidantes" is emotional abuse because you push them in a role where they have to take care of you emotionally.

 

 

... I also see parents who unconsciously do not foster healthy independence in their kids, so that the parent has someone to do stuff with instead of their kids growing socially with their peers and learning how to develop friendships.

 

 

... or they don't set healthy boundaries for the kids because they are always wanting to be liked. A lot of divorced parents fall into that trap.

 

 

The last guy I dated was like that. I don't think I'd ever come across two kids who were as lazy and disrespectful as they were. They weren't on drugs or abusive or anything like that. Just rather used to being catered to and spoiled.

[PinkInTheLimo]

... I also see parents who unconsciously do not foster healthy independence in their kids, so that the parent has someone to do stuff with instead of their kids growing socially with their peers and learning how to develop friendships.

 

 

... or they don't set healthy boundaries for the kids because they are always wanting to be liked. A lot of divorced parents fall into that trap.

 

 

The last guy I dated was like that. I don't think I'd ever come across two kids who were as lazy and disrespectful as they were. They weren't on drugs or abusive or anything like that. Just rather used to being catered to and spoiled.

 

The older I get the more I appreciate the way I was brought up. Oh yes it was far from perfect. My parents were afraid to spoil us and believed in "tough love" so the atmosphere was really cold.

 

But from a young age we had to help my parents with all kind of chores around the house. We were supposed to have at least good, and preferably very good grades in school and when we messed something up, we had to take responsibility and deal with it ourselves. We did not just get things, we had to work for them.

 

I feel that as a result of such an education I can easily find my way in life and feel comfortable in a lot of different situations. And I know that you don't get anything for nothing.

 

A lot of divorced guys have kids which are extremely dependent on their parents. Kids just need to text to dad and there he will drop everything for them.

[mario_C]

Well, if a woman does it, it's a signal/warning that dating her involves auditioning for a (potential) stepfather role, or "mommy's friend who sleeps over" or whatever. And if you avoid or dislike children, you want to take that into consideration. I don't think it really works in reverse, but it's possible he's warning potential dates that she needs to prepare for being a (potential) lady of the house.

Per one poster's reply, s/he should mention if they're nieces or nephews. You're stupid if you don't, for the reasons above.

[insert_name]

The 'looking for a babysitter' aspect certainly applies to the women too.

 

Only an idiot would not be aware that a woman's child is going to be prominent in her life, it really doesnt need the aggressive posturing on her profile about just where you are going to be in her priorities if you should happen to win the audition to be her new baby daddy.

 

With all due respect having young children and trying to find a man who is willing to take on that responsibility is baggage enough without trying to lay down the law with the guy before he has even said hello!

 

Ive seen so many of these aggressive profiles now that I have unfortunately ruled out single mothers on dating sites. Someone else can fight that particular battle rather than me.

[ktya]

Chicks do it to, on tinder i've seen pictures of the woman's kid as her main profile picture, I think it is a bit sickening that they post pictures of their kids (especailly daughters) on an online dating site.

 

But I think that they are doing it because they want to be clear that they have kids. Some people dont know what to do when someone has kids, and kids sort of take over every aspect of life once they are involved.

 

I've seen more than a few posters on here, male and female, who were very confused and annoyed that dates involved the kids, or that the kids got in the way, or that the ex was around because of the kids.

 

In a misguided sort of way, I think parading their kids on the profile is just a warning shot because they have had dates where the kids, when they didn't conveniently disappear for a whole night of dating, became an issue. I think theres a better way to do that but to each their own.

[salparadise]

It demonstrates that they're missing a whole realm of awareness as to what dating is, why kids shouldn't be a party to it, and the safety concerns.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I personally wouldn't look twice at someone who posted a picture with their kids.. Yuck. Should be banned. I love kids. If I was the other parent I'd be horrified.

 

I totally agree. I don't understand why these websites don't refuse these pics.

 

And you are right that it is also disrespectful towards the other parent.

 

What are these people thinking? I am currently in a discussion with a guy on a dating site to explain that the fact that he shows a picture of him with his daughter is unacceptable for me. He has also given me his full name and his Facebook page and now I know the full name of both his daughters.

I explain to him that from a legal point he is breaching the right on privacy of his daughters (and more pictures). I have asked him whether his daughters know that he is exposing them this way to possible dating partners. And also whether their mother knows.

 

My questions are pertinent yet all I get as answers are that I am a very difficult woman, that love has nothing to do with rules, that he wants to share his life with a possible partner.

So he just does not get it.

[contact1]

So now you are on a witch hunt of all parents who post pics of their kids? Why? Just so you can prove your point and feel right about it? And breach of privacy, really??? Are you going around on facebook also and message all the parents on there that have pictures of their kids, or relatives, or parents, or friends? Because by your definition, that is also a "breach of privacy" since I'm sure most people did not get written consent to have pictures of others posted on facebook.

 

While I agree that having just pictures of you and your kid/kids would be very excessive, having one or two in your profile I would find very acceptable. It sends a clear message of "hey, I have a kid, so if you want to date, know this dynamic is there and will not go away".

[PinkInTheLimo]

So now you are on a witch hunt of all parents who post pics of their kids? Why? Just so you can prove your point and feel right about it? And breach of privacy, really??? Are you going around on facebook also and message all the parents on there that have pictures of their kids, or relatives, or parents, or friends? Because by your definition, that is also a "breach of privacy" since I'm sure most people did not get written consent to have pictures of others posted on facebook.

 

While I agree that having just pictures of you and your kid/kids would be very excessive, having one or two in your profile I would find very acceptable. It sends a clear message of "hey, I have a kid, so if you want to date, know this dynamic is there and will not go away".

 

Where do you get that I am on a witch hunt? Some guy contacts me and I see that he has posted pics of his kids. I would love for some NORMAL and DECENT guy to contact me, one where there are no red flags for a change!!!

 

And yes, all these people with pics of their kids on Facebook for everyone to be seen are breaching their privacy. But you probably don't understand this because this exhibitionism has become part of our culture unfortunately.

 

But on Facebook you choose who sees the pics, and most of the time it is family and friends so that's still different. Because on a dating site you don't know the people who you show the pics to.

[preraph]

I have had relationships with men with kids and I don't have the impression that all of them are in a hurry to look for a sitter or a co-parent. As a matter of fact the responsible ones are in general reluctant to have the new partner meet the kids before the relationship has become serious. I find this only normal.

 

Also, most of the men I meet are end of forties or early fifties and their kids are at an age when they don't really need a sitter any more.

 

Having a relationship with a dad means that to some extent you will have to deal with the kids. I have no problem with that. I am just surprised at the lack of discretion of some guys.

 

Yes, and there certainly are those that really want to keep it all separate, but the OP's question is are those the same guys who post their kids photos on online dating and social media sites while looking for a woman? I imagine it could go either way, but I bet not as much.

[blueskyday]

A big no no in my book.

 

To me, people who post pics of their minor children on dating sites are either being manipulative (look at me! I'm a great parent! Date me!) or they are obliviously stupid as to the dangers to their kids.

 

Neither option works for me.