MagicRat09 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 (edited) Hello all! Basically for the last 6 months I've been in a spiral of limerence and codependency with someone who I am great friends with and also work with on a semi-regular basis. We love each other as friends, this is crystal clear. Of course I wanted more, that's why I'm here. I'm trying to move on, but the monkey wrench is that she is chronically unwell and due to my tendencies to caretaking and codependency I am finding it near impossible to detach emotionally. I have done a lot of boyfriend things for her in the past when she's been ill which she has been openly grateful for, but on the other hand she's not constantly begging for help, she's rather stoic. So how do I get out of there and get my life back? Edited February 10, 2015 by MagicRat09 spelling
ForgingAhead Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 It is good you recognize your codependency, and want to ask some questions: 1: What do you get out of doing these boyfriend tasks? 2: Have you started to attend any co-dependent meetings? 3: How has this behavior affected your priorities? In order to detach it is important to find out *why* you do these things. Her stoic (indifference?) response can be a way to keep you on the hook since she's readily capable of thanking you. Your mind may begin to obsess as you detach, and that's normal. Start by looking at your past, and if this has always been the case where you felt like you needed approval, and the desire to be needed. Attend meetings, and perhaps some research on being ok with yourself, and therapy as well. There is quite a bit of inspirational reading from codependents on their progress.
Author MagicRat09 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Thanks. I've attended Alanon in the past but I am looking for specific codependency meetings and I am reading tons of literature. I'm also heavy into yoga and meditation so that's a help. I tend to make myself extremely busy when in a situation like this. And there have been many in my life. And busy is great, except I'm overloading a bit!
privategal Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Hello all! Basically for the last 6 months I've been in a spiral of limerence and codependency with someone who I am great friends with and also work with on a semi-regular basis. We love each other as friends, this is crystal clear. Of course I wanted more, that's why I'm here. I'm trying to move on, but the monkey wrench is that she is chronically unwell and due to my tendencies to caretaking and codependency I am finding it near impossible to detach emotionally. I have done a lot of boyfriend things for her in the past when she's been ill which she has been openly grateful for, but on the other hand she's not constantly begging for help, she's rather stoic. So how do I get out of there and get my life back? Perhaps simply distance your self politely and also look for a new job as a stepping stone to a fresh start and gaining healthy distance.
ForgingAhead Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Thanks. I've attended Alanon in the past but I am looking for specific codependency meetings and I am reading tons of literature. I'm also heavy into yoga and meditation so that's a help. I tend to make myself extremely busy when in a situation like this. And there have been many in my life. And busy is great, except I'm overloading a bit! You can go to coda.org, and also search for coda meetings in your city on a search engine. That's what I did. Private gal has a good point to add to your toolbelt. One thing to be aware of is, while being busy is good, it seems to me that overloading yourself isn't addressing the root cause of your codependency. It would be worthwhile to do that when you're ready too.
jam3s84 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I would look closely at the idea of control and managing, if you have went to al anon then you may be familiar with the 1st step? I would encourage you to really look at it again, not the unmanageability so much but the powerlessness.
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