lynnered Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 this time you made me cry! don't know why haven't in so long! i guess when you hear the truth it hurts , at the same time a relief , i am so tired inside even now, just talking to him on IM only, like he's trying to suck me back in, making me feel pressured , when even if he does leave, i wanted time away , to just get rid of all, right now as i write you , he just IMd , a fight with her , he stresses me , I'm getting farther away , just slowly , i still love him, and understand him, i guess I'm too understanding, right now i just wrote him maybe he needs marriage counseling ,he gets mad ,he says he was angry but i put him in a good mood funny , he doesn't put me in a good mood ,i don't know , i go back &forth emotions one day think it may work out next want it to be over for good &don't care , anyway i have rambled ,but you should know you made me cry ,you made me smile,made me think & i thank you again!!
newby Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 lynnered you sound really sad i am looking at all these threads now and where i used to see hope all i see is that all mm are master manipulators mine just wasnt so good at the manipulation, he was too honest he sounds like he is trying to break you down do you think it is doing you good to keep contact at all? do you think it helps you to see things objectively or do you think it weakens you? perhaps it would do you no harm to start dating again anyway? you dont have to tell him and you dont have to feel you are being unfair to him either, however best you can ease yourself out of the relationship, for you, is okay. he has kept you there for four years and its not fair. i feel for you lynnered, i always thought you were so sweet on here and it sounds like thats what everyone else gets from you too, it is not good to waste you on him when you first said your mm was begging you back i hoped that that would happen for me too now i see it doesnt make it any easier in fact the opposite is true he is treating YOU like his marriage counsellor now! he doesnt need to pay for it!! even with you giving him space he cannot see how selfish he is being the child support thing, its another excuse, i am sure it isnt easy to leave a marriage, i am sure it is really really difficult in fact, but then he has to make a choice and stick with it maybe having no contact at all would force him to make that choice truly he will take the easy option if he can he is going now for the easy option he wont stop if you dont he may not be seeing you face to face but the affair still continues the lies still continue the manipulation still continues the option to take the easy route still continues
StillHurtin Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 lynnered, I am so sorry that I made you cry, that wasn't my intentions. You seem so sad, and unhappy, and life is way too short to be living like that b/c of a mm. I don't know the whole situation you are in and I am sorry if I am off base but it sounds like he is using you for someone to complain to about his W. Maybe he does care for you, but if he truely, deep down, really loved you and wanted to be w/ you he would put an end to his marriage and start his life over w/ you. I can't tell you what to do but I think it would be easier on you if you had NC w/ him for a few months and see how you are doing then. I was w/ H for 12 years and married almost 11 when he had an A. Even though it was the worst pain I went through having NC w/ him seemed to help me. When he would call then I would be right back where I was. If we didn't have any kids 2gether it would of made it much easier b/c then I wouldn't of had to talk to him at all. Yes, I still loved him, but if he wanted the D and wanted to be w/ her I just wasn't going to fight for him. I did the first few weeks and finally gave up b/c it got to the point where I felt he was getting his cake and eating it too (sleeping w/ the both of us). When your mm IM'ed you he didn't have to mention that he got into a fight w/ his W, seems he just wanted to vent his frustrations out on you. I feel so bad for you b/c of what you are going through. Forget this guy is even married, it doesn't matter, b/c when you love someone so much it's hard to let go. You can't imagine life w/o him. Ya know that saying, if you love someone set them free, if they come back it was meant to be? Or something like that. That is what I did w/ H, I finally just let him go and he came back. I could of continued on w/ the D after what he did to me, but I still loved him enough to give him another try. I knew I could of found someone else, but I didn't want to, all I wanted was him. I don't know how old you are but I am almost 35 and met H when I was 21. I was in love a few times b4 him but of course it never worked out, I was young, they were young, we weren't ready to settle down so it ended. It was hard to let go, very hard, but I did and I found my H (gosh, I was still young, I miss those days, lol). I was hurt so many times but I made it. And I didn't wait around for any of my X's to change their minds to make it work. I went on w/ my life. It can be done. When you love someone so much it does hurt when you loose that person, but life does, and will go on. You will meet someone else, it will happen. Just realize that you are better than waiting around for some MM to leave his W. No OW deserves to put up w/ it. Life is too short to wait around. Have fun, date, party. Don't let this guy ruin your life. I would give him a choice, either D her, or you are no longer going to be his OW. It will be hard but you seem strong, you can do it. Best wishes
Moose Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Never. Whether you choose to believe this or not is up to you, but there is always a third party who knows what the two involved did. Otherwise, noone would ever feel guilty. That's my take on it.
tiki Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Can an affair remain secret??? Yes. Mine did for the four years it went on. No one had a clue. The only people that know are the people that I've told. You'd think that the wife would've caught on, but after four years, his weird routine became the 'norm'. Sad, but true.
boursin_cheese Posted April 10, 2005 Posted April 10, 2005 I actually had NO idea my fiance had been having an affair with a married coworker until I was smacked in the face with it last week. I didn't ever suspect. Not once. I asked because after much time with less and less sex, I was looking for answers, so I asked among the other questions, like, are you gay? Have I become unattractive to you? Was your physical normal? Is there anything I should know? and the list went on and on, but there was never a single reason to think he was seeing OW. My guy did break off our engagement for OW and he is doing whatever he can to hold on to her, waiting for her to end her marriage. But he's lying to all of his friends and family about his involvement with her and I really think they all believe him too. When I look back I see that his lies were so utterly our reality. I'm not a gullible person. I wasn't blinded by love. He gave me no reason to mistrust him. There was simply no clue that he was conducting a romantic relationship with this (or any) OW. Only after he left me did rumors start at his office so I am guessing that people still don't KNOW, they're only fishing.
aklost101 Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 i say no, affairs cannot remain secret. something has to give. in my situation, we're frequently in public together; whether or not we're touchy-feely is left to the time/place. his friends have met me, i've even worked for some of them. once, while out, we ran into his friends wife and her children. my thought, "if i'm meeting them, W must have met them." i can't imagine that not one has told his wife. if no one has, she must suspect something's going on, especially when he's shelling out $$$ left and right for things and events.
Bubbles Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Maybe the wife knows not to ask questions............ bubbles
reservoirdog1 Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 Let me give you a tip that my serial cheating ex-wife told me before all the s*** came down. She works in public relations and yet, ironically, failed to follow her own advice. Plan your course of action on the assumption that it won't remain secret. If you learn for a fact that one person knows your secret who you'd rather didn't, proceed from there on the assumption that fifty people know. Even if they didn't blab, the mere fact that it got to them means that it probably got to others too. Secrets get out because most people suck at keeping them. And even those who are good at keeping them -- like my ex -- never cover their tracks completely. There's always something they let slip, however inadvertently. And once that happens, the information -- especially if bad -- spreads at a geometric rate, because people love gossip and scandal. Bad news has legs. By that point you can't control its desemination -- you can only weather the fallout.
MJ513 Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 I just had the best one night stand ever with an Irish man straight from Ireland, the kissing was so passionate & I dont feel guilty about it. It felt so good, I havent felt that way in yearsssssss. I am in a relationship & I have talked with him about how our relationship is not good anymore, there is no passion, no connection. I really want to see this other guy again, I loved the kissing, it was intense & blew me away.
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 I just had the best one night stand ever with an Irish man straight from Ireland, the kissing was so passionate & I dont feel guilty about it. It felt so good, I havent felt that way in yearsssssss. I am in a relationship & I have talked with him about how our relationship is not good anymore, there is no passion, no connection. I really want to see this other guy again, I loved the kissing, it was intense & blew me away. How you would like if your partner felt that way about, then met someone else, loved kissing them and decided that hey, there's no passion left in the relationship...I'm just gonna go kiss somebody else and love that new and exciting feeling I've got...I bet you'd feel really hurt, betrayed and wonder why he didn't approach you to fix it instead of running out to have some fun on the side... Think about it. You're now hurting somebody else ON Purpose and BY choice cuz you wanna feel good.
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