ww Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Do you think an affair that went on for few months can in some cases reamai secret? Or it jumps out sooner or later? Gosh I would never want his wife to find out!
newby Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 well it depends on how careful mm was and what kind of person they are. i think one or two people may suspect in my case, but one of them would never say or mm would beat him up. the other probably doesnt care enough to say. the only one i worry about is mm himself, if he felt so guilty he thought he had to tell her. i dont really think he will as i think i gave him a taste for affairs, i think he wants some more o that.
moimeme Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Not only that, but wives know. They may be ignoring it, but there is no way that the cheater behaves exactly the same when cheating and wives pick up on it. They hope they're wrong, but deep down they know what's up.
Author ww Posted April 3, 2005 Author Posted April 3, 2005 Yeah I know about that. A woman just simply knows it. A woman feels it !
lynnered Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Do you think an affair that went on for few months can in some cases reamai secret? Try almost 4 years +2 being friends before that ! Or it jumps out sooner or later? Gosh I would never want his wife to find out! if its over &you are really NC ,it most likely will not come out,depending if others knew, Not only that, but wives know. They may be ignoring it, but there is no way that the cheater behaves exactly the same when cheating and wives pick up on it. They hope they're wrong, but deep down they know what's up. moimeme , partially disagree, MM(MINE PERSONALLY)acted the same ,the hardly communicated,didn't ever have a "normal sex life",she was always a jealous insecure person,before A she was always accusing , he told me once 2 years into affair ,she said ,i know you were cheating a year ago , so maybe she had an idea at first ,and at that time we were still involved !! so i don't believe 100% instinct, anyway don't worry WW , if she does hopefully she will have the sense to confront the right person,him!! and face whatever is lacking in there relationship !!
alphamale Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 the longer it goes on the higher the chances of one getting busted. you may be OK if it just lasted a few months.
debs Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 umhmmmm take it from me We have a 6th sense!!! We Know and some chose to ignore the obvious! From learning at the age of 21 of my exH wandering ways, I pay close attention to all red flags! LMAO A dead give away with my last exH was he came home with this line; "someone told me I look like that guy on Matrix!" All I saw and thought was ut oh RED FLAG RED FLAG! Yup he is now married to her!
Author ww Posted April 3, 2005 Author Posted April 3, 2005 why do you think wives ignore that???????? In my case I was always wondering if she was the dumbest woman on earth not to notice anything. or she never really cared? I mean he went home smelling of my perfume ( just like I smelled of his and even if you bath yourself it remains) and all those lipstick marks on shirt and my long hair all over.... was she really blind?
debs Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 *sigh* hmmmm IMO if it is a high profile type life they love it and do not want to end it and that goes for financial security as well! Some women cannot go it alone! So they remain in the relationship! They love the fairy tale life and won't budge!
d'Arthez Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 It may be true, that she knew ww. But did not want to risk her life-style. Or did not want to risk the pain involved. She may have had the hots for some stud, and her husband's behavior set her free to pursue him. In this case the truth would hurt, but has already been accepted beforehand. It may be true, that she suspected a lot of things. But could not believe that her husband would have an affair. So, she may have looked for other explanations. In this case the truth would be devastating, as her worst fears have come true. And she may simply have been completely ignorant. In this case the truth would be like as if she were struck by a thunderbolt.
kkat Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 I actually do think it is possible for some men to carry on very long-term affairs and have the wife remain completely unaware. I also agree that part of that equation is that some women may be more prone to ignore the signs or indications (I think this is likely the case with my ex-MM's wife in our second relationship). In those cases, it's even more possible for the affair to go undected, since the BS choses not to look for it, even if it's blatant. I think the most frightening men are the ones that are able to "get away with it" for long-term affairs - like my ex-MM. These are the guys that are able to stare anyone (wife, OW, family, employees) in the face and lie over and over. Their lives become a web of lies truly, and the frightening ones are the pathological purveyors of this dishonesty. I believe now that my ex-MM lied so much to everyone - including me, absolutely, and himself, that he really did stop to recognize the difference between honesty and lies. If your affair has gone on for some time, and he doesn't "slip" with an action or verbal clue, she may very well never know about it, in my opinion.
Author ww Posted April 3, 2005 Author Posted April 3, 2005 kkat...:" I think the most frightening men....between honest and lies" I think we dated same person!
debs Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 kkat my now exH was a master of disguise! No one would have known this was going on but I am wiser than the average woman in these matters! I have many female friends who after years of marriage have allowed this to continue because they like the life they now have! Many have been contacted by the OW which makes me rofl because these wives are aware but chose not to leave because of status! I hear this on a weekly basis when I converse with the ladies! We just giggle together! They know the men won't leave them and they are not about to rock the boat! We actually talk about how stupid the wayward men truly are! I agree some men are masters at this and show nothing to make a "red" flag go up but believe me the females choose not to say a word! When a wife shows total surprise it is a mere smoke front to having to face it that the guy no longer is in love and time to fight! No one likes having an affair thrown in their faces! It is a defense mechanism, but mind you this is my opinion!
newby Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 well yes, the wives may know it on some level, but they dont neccessarily know who with. the wives who ignore it are kind of wise in one way, they know h will never leave them and they know in lots of ways they are better off staying in the m. i suspect that the wives who 'know' dont feel the need to be faithful themselves either. i only personally know of one wife who knows and she does the same thing, she says she stays because he needs her and for kids etc, but i think that the lifestyle and status may have something to do with it!
tokyo Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 Originally posted by debs LMAO A dead give away with my last exH was he came home with this line; "someone told me I look like that guy on Matrix!" I don't know how many guys in my life I met who claimed they looked like HIM.... I think a lot women know it, they are more practised to perceive subtle hints.
StillHurtin Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 H and the OW were not very secretive about their relationship. Every one they worked w/ knew what was going on. They were always 2gether and even in areas they had no reason to be in. She was always touching him, right in front of everyone. Someone even wrote "T is a homewrecking whore!" and "This is where T gave A a blow job" in the men's bathroom stall. I had several friends who told me what was going on behind my back. The OW's H found his truck and her car parked at a motel room and when he asked the desk clerk if one of them had a room there she told him they did and asked if he wanted to ring their room (he said no and left). Her H also found his truck and her car parked in her garage (the OW and her H were split up but he had access to her home). Her H found love letters and poems from H to her (he gave me copies). They were seen at the baseball game 2gether out of town. They didn't hide it at all. What did H think I was, stupid? Didn't he realize I had friends that would tell me what was going on? I knew it all along. He was pretty stupid for not being more secret about his A.
lynnered Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 "He was pretty stupid for not being more secret about his A." and you were pretty stupid to put up with it, if your "a woman knows"is so perfect , why didn't you catch it the minute it started? before it got to the point there in bed? did a part of you know that your marriage wasn't working? sorry , I'm a firm believer in if you handle your business at home, he doesn't need to get "part time help", i hear it at work the married chicks, talking about ways to avoid hubby in bed , I'm thinking what is wrong with you? some woman , stop doing what they did to catch him, get lazy(some men too) and then wonder what happened , you gave up so did he , but most don't have him cause of love , you have him by the b*lls, because of a house ,kids ,etc
StillHurtin Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 "He was pretty stupid for not being more secret about his A." and you were pretty stupid to put up with it" I wasn't stupid, and I didn't put up w/ it, I kicked his cheating butt out of the house. if your "a woman knows"is so perfect , why didn't you catch it the minute it started? before it got to the point there in bed? I did catch him the minute it started. I found her phone # on his cell phone and questioned him about it. He said it was b/c he borrowed a cd from her and wanted to let her know he was going to burn it and give it back to her the next day (lame excuse to call her). What could I have done differently to make him NOT want to sleep w/ her? I don't know, maybe put up w/ his immature behavior and accepting that he didn't want to give up playing sports every single night, going out and getting drunk several times a week, or going out w/ his friends almost every night. He wanted to be married and have children yet he wasn't willing to give up the single life. I finally put my foot down and told him he either quits drinking, gets help w/ his anger, and stay home and be a husband and a father, or me and the kids were leaving. Shortly after that he started the A w/ the OW. did a part of you know that your marriage wasn't working? Yes, I knew the marriage wasn't working b/c he didn't want to be a H or a father and stay home. He wanted the M life w/ kids but yet he still wanted to act like he was single. And when I wouldn't put up w/ his behavior anymore and made him quit drinking and get help he went to the OW b/c she wasn't going to demand any of this (maybe she would of eventually if they would of stayed 2gether, I know she wouldn't of put up w/ it). sorry , I'm a firm believer in if you handle your business at home, I totally agree! And there is where he screwed up. He went to the OW and spilled our M problems out to her. I know this b/c she told me herself he was talking to her about our troubled M. he doesn't need to get "part time help", Your right, he needed to get help by talking to me and going to couple M counseling. i hear it at work the married chicks, talking about ways to avoid hubby in bed I have never talked about ways of avoiding getting out of bed w/ H. The main reason why I didn't want to have sex as much as he did is b/c I was plain a$$ exhausted. I worked 10-12 hours a day working in my business plus being a mom, doing the cleaning, laundry, cooking, ect. When we did have sex (once or twice a week) it was great, always was, always has been. I'm thinking what is wrong with you? some woman , stop doing what they did to catch him, get lazy(some men too) and then wonder what happened , you gave up so did he , but most don't have him cause of love , you have him by the b*lls, because of a house ,kids ,etc I never did anything to "catch him" he came to me, I didn't change, he did. Once the newness of our relationship wore off he wanted to start spending more time w/ his friends. I never changed, I was the same, loving person he met, he just decided he wanted to start hanging out w/ his friends again. Now that we have been back 2gether he has changed a lot, he does more around the house, spends more time w/ the kids, and stays home, and hasn't had a drink in over 2 years and has no desire to. I guess it took us leaving to make him realize how much he really did want the M and being a father. Too bad it took him to have an A to realize that.
lynnered Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 StillHurtin, i really loved your reply!! great in site ,loved your honesty,&you didn't take offense,your sound like he didn't deserve you and i hope he learned !! and i thank you ! i know I've made the mistake being OW,i am responsible ,i have angrier and issues related to him , scares me , marriage is a scary thing because you never know , you put your trust in that bond , i sometimes used to wish his wife would just realize , not even A , but that its not working either work it out or let it go, he hopes she will end it so she wont screw him over in child support, i went in to A because i loved him, now looking back , i learned what i wish i just knew &what I'm doing now, if i had it to do over again , i would have told him , call me when you get separated , i would have saved me &him a lot of heartache, and probly the marriage would have ended by now, and i wouldn't have to miss someone i never totally had so much , but i guess some people(me )have to learn the hard way not to follow your heart , love isn't always a reason to go against your own morals, sorry if i came across a little rude stillhurtin, take care of you &good luck
pearlgirl Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 The wives deep down know something is wrong. When a H tries to initiate sex all the time...and then suddenly stops trying........she knows When his moods alter daily...she knows WHen he's asking her about her schedule all the time..she knows When he stops wanting to take vacations...she knows. I'm an OW and I hear him tell me that his W says he's different. He says he's not. Thing is...his schedule is no different.....he jumps when she says jump. He really gives her nothing to point a finger at other than however it is he's behaving differently at home.
magda Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 "Fling" type situations can, if the H&W aren't in very close communication.
StillHurtin Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 NP lynnered, I am glad that I could give you a little insite on the BW side of things. Even though I was never the OW to a MM I was one to a man in a CR (he ended up marrying her after we ended it) I do know the pain it causes. It hurts to fall in love w/ someone that you can't have, and someone else has. I shed a lot of tears wanting him but yet, when we were 2gether I felt like I was the only one. He made me feel good about myself, I loved being w/ him, and it didn't have to be about sex, we could of never had sex and it wouldn't of changed how I felt about him. He was my first love. He told me that his GF knew about me but she never did anything about it. I was young, and selfish, and I thought if he was involved w/ me (plus numerous others) he wasn't too serious w/ her, or so I thought. If I would of known how much it hurts to be betrayed by someone you love so much I would of probably never been the OW. As for your situation. Try not to wait around for him to get a legal separation, b/c chances are he could go back w/ her and leave you hanging. I am not saying he will do that to you, but don't waist your precious time, no man is worth waiting around for. Been there done that, and it wont happen again. H and I were going through a D (but he was having second thoughts, he was the one that filed and the OW filed a D from her H a week later) when he had the A w/ the OW and he came back to me a few months later. If you truely want this MM then I would tell him as soon as his divorce is final then you will be there for him. I wish you the best w/ whatever you decide, and thank you for your kind words.
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