ZiggyZoo Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Here's my brief history... OK, got dumped by my ex in early December, told him I was pregnant, gave him a few days to respond to that before going NC. I hadn't heard anything from him in that whole time, and was doing really well in my recovery. I had accepted the idea that he and I were not going to be together (the two months' worth of his completely ignoring me and the baby helped a LOT in getting over him, yay) SO, I made up my mind to make one last effort to reach out and include him in the pregnancy. I called him and left a voicemail basically saying that I had an update on the baby and ultrasound pictures, if he was interested. I also said that I had no interest in discussing us, this was just about our baby. I checked my feelings before I did this, and thought I was good with either a negative response or no response. WRONG!!!! I haven't heard anything back at all, three days later, and I am a wreck. I guess I hadn't realized that I was holding onto a small hope that this phone call would make him change his mind and we would be back together. But I was, because I'm back to being devastated that he's gone. I expected a small setback, but nothing like this. I guess what I'm asking is for advice and words of encouragement from anyone else who had broken NC and had it bite them in the ass like this. Please tell me that the recovery period is shorter than the initial post-breakup period, I can't do it all over again.
Hija77 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 He wouldn't even answer a call about the baby?? Your ex sounds like a lousy human being. I don't know how long it will take to feel better after breaking NC, BUT you have more than enough reason to be angry. Sometimes anger helps at first. You can't hold onto it forever, but it might help you get through the early days. Good luck!!! You don't need someone like that in your life. 1
PegNosePete Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Please tell me that the recovery period is shorter than the initial post-breakup period, I can't do it all over again. I am sorry but I can't tell you something that is not true. There is no formula or standard experience with interpersonal relationships. Maybe your recovery will be faster, maybe it will be slower. But common experiences tell us that often when you break NC, you are back to square 1. Will it be a faster recovery this time? Who knows. For some people yes, for others no. Unfortunately having a child on the way it will most likely be impossible to maintain NC indefinitely. You will presumably want to get some child support at some point, or he will want access to the child. It is a lot harder when you can't go "cold turkey" to get over someone but you should minimize interactions and be business-like at all times. 1
Author ZiggyZoo Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 (edited) Yeah, he IS a lousy person. That fact is part of this whole nasty stew of negative emotions I've got going on right now. I'm beating myself up for still wanting to be with him despite all this and wondering what's wrong with me for still having any feelings for him. I guess the good thing is that I can now tell myself that I absolutely did everything I could to make it clear that he was welcome in the baby's life, and the rest is his decision to make. And now that it is crystal clear that he wants nothing to do with me, I can move forward without any false hope. Because you're right, PegNosePete, I am going to have to have contact with him. Luckily though, I have a few months to further recover before I have to cross that bridge. I have three girls with my ex-husband, so I have experience with LC too. And I'm not going to prevent him from being a part of this baby's life if he wants to. I don't believe in stuff like that, the relationship between US is done, not the relationship between him and his child. But I am glad that I have some breathing room there too.. I'm angry now, but mainly at myself for breaking NC in the first place. I hope it swings his way and I can stop this hormonally charged sob-fest soon. But every reminder that he isn't worth it helps tremendously. Edited February 10, 2015 by ZiggyZoo
myheartaches Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 How long were you guys together? He seems like such an ******* for not being responsible about his baby. It takes two to make one. Sooner or later you will have to see/chat with him bc you will most likely want child support. I say just don't talk to him. No more contact. If he has a heart, he will reach out to you before the baby is born. Don't get your hopes up that a baby will make you guys together. Right now let's just hope he won't ignore his baby.
Author ZiggyZoo Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 We were friends for a little over a year, and together as a couple for eight months after that. It chaps my ass especially that he has seen how I am polite and civil to my ex-husband when it comes to our girls, and he has no reason to think that I'll be any differently to him. And I would never expect that the baby would bring us together. I guess somewhere I was just hoping that the contact itself would remind him of...what? Some dormant feelings that he had forgotten about? I did honestly want to do all I could to let him know that he was welcome to take part in the pregnancy, I had no ulterior motives as far as using the contact to get back together. Which is why I was so thrown to be upset by the realization that he really, truly doesn't want to have anything to do with me. That desire was buried deep. Nope, I'm going NC until the baby's born, telling him when it happens, then NC until he gets a hold of me. The courts can do all the child support stuff, I don't need to even talk to him about that. And I have zero interest in trying to force a relationship with his child. I'll once again make it perfectly clear that he is welcome to be as big a part of it as he wants to be, I won't interfere. BUT, I'm not going to go out of my way either. This is HIS decision, and he's the one who will have to live with it. It's not my job anymore to try and make him feel better.
Hija77 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Don't beat yourself up for breaking NC!! There's a child involved!! Just continue to have zero expectations about that fool. I think contacting him about the baby through your lawyer is a good idea. You need to protect yourself, but he also needs to be helping you financially. It sucks that your attempt to speak to him made you so sad. Don't kick yourself for having unresolved feelings about the relationship. His baby is growing inside you. how could you not think about him? At least now you know, for sure, that's he is NOT the right guy for you. Definitively. The right guy would never do that. 2
Author ZiggyZoo Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Ahhh, thank you, Hija77! I had honestly never realized that being pregnant with his baby DOES remind me of him very subtly every day. Every milestone reinforces how he isn't here, and that hurts. And you are absolutely right, I do know now, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he isn't anywhere near the type of guy that I deserve. Ha, you've got me crying again, but they're good tears. It is very nice to hear from someone else not to beat myself up. I tell people that all the time on here, but it's hard to follow our own advice, isn't it? I think I need to step back and admit that I'm not as over him as I thought. And to stop feeling bad about missing someone who turned out to be such an asswipe. There was no way for me to know this is how he would react, and I don't need to feel guilty for his actions here. Now to just convince myself of this. 1
Vintage79 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 He sounds like a douche. If he can't help out with a child that's (presumably) his, he's an awful human being and is going to make your life and the child's that much harder. I wish you a sincere best, but I wouldn't expect much from that guy...or even want anything at this point. As for the recovery period - it's varies - sometimes people don't fully appreciate the end of things until they break contact and then it sets in. I think most people heal a bit faster after breaking NC, but for those that had to break NC to truly understand it was over...it can be a much different and longer journey. I really hope you can come to terms with it all and get super excited about the child. I wish you the best. 1
Author ZiggyZoo Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 He sounds like a douche. If he can't help out with a child that's (presumably) his, he's an awful human being and is going to make your life and the child's that much harder. I wish you a sincere best, but I wouldn't expect much from that guy...or even want anything at this point. As for the recovery period - it's varies - sometimes people don't fully appreciate the end of things until they break contact and then it sets in. I think most people heal a bit faster after breaking NC, but for those that had to break NC to truly understand it was over...it can be a much different and longer journey. I really hope you can come to terms with it all and get super excited about the child. I wish you the best. Uuuuugh, I was afraid of that. Ah well, at least now I know. I know that there's a very good chance that he won't have anything to do with this baby, which is fine by me. I know that I was still harboring some hope that we'd reconcile and now that that thought has been brought into the open, I can truly recover. That's the sh*tty thing about doing this right, you've got to hurt before you can heal.
Author ZiggyZoo Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Wow. Wow wow wow. Yeah, I was sooooo deeply in denial before. Now that he has completely ignored me, it's like a switch has been flipped. I wouldn't recommend that anybody break NC like I did, but it has brought about some changes in me for sure. And I think that THIS time I'm really on the road to recovery. The main difference is that now I am in the "anger" stage, which I never really got to before. Well, I was angry, but at myself for not seeing his true colors sooner. Which is complete BS, and now I'm plenty f*cking pissed at him, where it should be aimed. And it gives me hope that this time I've flushed out my true feelings and aren't hiding any hope for a reconciliation like I was before. The main problem now is that I want to get in his face and just scream at him what a terrible douchebag a*shole loser he is. And how I hope that the knowledge of how he treated me will bother him for the rest of his life. And how I know that karma is drawing a bead on him as we speak... But I won't. Because having any sort of contact would really hurt. Because I don't want to give him even the slightest crumb of justification in his own mind for his actions (the hell if I'm going to give him any reason for him to think of me as the "crazy bitch" who makes it impossible to see his kid). But mainly because I want to get truly over the f*cker, and the quickest way to do that is to ignore him entirely. But man, it sure would be great to let him know EXACTLY what I think. The anger phase has its own challenges, I see. 1
sabd Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Anger can be a great motivator, just point it in the right direction and use it wisely. I was in a similar boat many years ago - he just abandoned me and our baby. He could not face the responsibility and he ran for the hills. I never saw a cent of child support and he's never met his amazing son, now 23. His loss. You're strong, you can do this x 1
Author ZiggyZoo Posted February 12, 2015 Author Posted February 12, 2015 Thank you, sabd...dammit, I AM strong. But it takes one to know one, right? The fact that my pregnancy hormone-charged anger and I haven't done anything stupid convinces me of that. I swear, it's like being drunk, when all your emotions are magnified 100x. Shoot, this morning I actually thanked him (to myself obviously) for showing his true colors and confirming beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was waaaaaaay better off without him. No more thinking "oh, maybe he's just waiting for ME to let him know that I'm not mad that he dumped me and ignored me, for him to come back". And I wasn't there before I got angry at him. 1
sabd Posted February 12, 2015 Posted February 12, 2015 Yip, he has shown his true colours and poor character. Believe him! Just remember: your are fine and everything is ok. In fact, MORE than ok - you're growing a little person (how awesome is that?!) and the greatest gift you can give yourself and your peanut is to let go and move on. Easier said than done, of course but you're a smart cookie and I know you'll work it out. 1
Author ZiggyZoo Posted February 16, 2015 Author Posted February 16, 2015 Man, this anger stage is killing me. I hated crying over him, but this is much worse. I keep thinking about all the mean, cutting messages I want to send to him. And how much it would f*ck with his life if I were to mention his bullsh*t actions around town, to all our mutual friends. Oh, his name would be mud alright. It is almost too much to not just do it. I've completely cut myself off from facebook. I found out that my friend's band is playing a show in 2 weeks with HIS band. I want so badly to go and just let the chips fall where they may. Just being there would make him squirm, I'm sure. I'm not proud of these thoughts, and I sure as h*ll don't want to feel this way. I've tried writing unsent letters and talking out loud like he was there, but it all just amps it up for me. I'm not going to actually do or say anything embarrassing, I have too much pride and self respect for that. Maybe. But I could sure use some pointers here. Or just some encouragement. You all are the best on here, and have helped me so much already. I mean, even right now, I'm trying to justify reaching out one more time (on Facebook, with a message) on the off chance that he may have changed his phone number and didn't get my message. Completely acknowledging and ignoring the fact that HE hasn't sought ME out in over two months. Please tell me that I'm not going crazy. With my other major break-up, I just acted on these impulses and am still cringing. Rough day today.
Lokin4AReason Posted February 16, 2015 Posted February 16, 2015 there is no time limit in depicting at how long one heal(s) ... some take a week or a year(s). it just boil(s) down on the individual person ... just occupy yourself ( w/ hobbies, movies, therapy, social events, etc ... ) and take it a day at a time .... IMO
Author ZiggyZoo Posted February 21, 2015 Author Posted February 21, 2015 Well, I'm thrilled to say that today was the first day where I could honestly say that I wouldn't go back to him if he asked. I was poking around, and stumbled across some pictures on my computer of the two of us, and I started crying. But it almost felt like habit, without any real sadness behind it. So I asked myself what I would really do if he came back, and I came to the conclusion that I'm over him. Of course, I know that I'm likely to slip back into missing him, but at least I'm making some serious progress. I'm glad too, because I feel like I can finally focus on the rest of my life, and not just on making it through this day, this week, whatever. I can see the big picture, and it looks doable. I thought I was going to be mired in the anger stage for longer, but I got past that. I just isn't worth holding on to all the BS over someone who likely isn't thinking of me at all. Or who, if he is, doesn't care enough to do anything about it. I'm sure that I'll have a few more bad days, but this was a good day for me.
Author ZiggyZoo Posted February 23, 2015 Author Posted February 23, 2015 Bad day today already...I've never been in this situation. I don't miss my ex, and don't want him back (well, 95% of the time) but I can't stop crying because I just hurt so damn much today. I can't believe that someone who said he loved me, and who I thought I knew would treat me like he did. I can't believe he broke my heart... With my other break-ups, I've felt better with the process of getting over them, and haven't felt this sadness. I'm having dreams where I go after him too, and he completely ignores me. Maybe I'm not as over him as I thought? And I really need to contact my friends out here, in the real world. I haven't told anyone that he dumped me, or that I'm pregnant. I'm honestly too embarrassed that I could so totally misjudge someone, and I'm a single mother at my age. I should know better by now. I can't believe I was so wrong about him. So yeah, lots of tears, lots of guilt today.
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