Eternal Sunshine Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I have recently started dating someone and I don't feel the desire to be in daily contact. He initiates it every day and I kind of feel obliged to reply. The problem is that I have so much stuff happening that I often find that I have turned around and 5 hours have flown by. I often come from work meetings and find that I have number of texts to reply to and I find myself giving short replies as to not encourage more texts. It's not helping that I also have a lot of messages from friends and family along the lines "you have been distant lately" simply because I don't get around to replying to everything. Basically I want to date and let things move slowly and naturally. I told him all this and he agreed but I also get the feeling that he wants more contact and that if I don't provide that he will lose interest. Not sure how to let a relationship develop and not feel suffocated at the same time. I don't want to lose him but I also don't want to feel pressured to give more time than I am comfortable with.
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 You don't want to lose him but you also don't want him. If you don't have time to answer a simple text before going to bed then you don't have time for a relationship. You barely have time to keep up with your family and they are the most important people in your life. I suspect you were not clear enough with him as to what kind of dating you are looking for. You should tell him you are looking for 1 date a week (what ever you have time for) and 2 calls a week (what ever you have time for) and this for the next weeks-year-decade. Let him decide if this is enough for him. 8
BluEyeL Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 You don't seem to like him all that much if sending a couple of texts a day is a burden. So yeah, daily communication, if the other person needs it, is necessary. Unless it's nonstop texting every hour of the day or calling 2h per day, every day, some kind of daily contact is necessary when you build a relationship. 8
PegNosePete Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Maybe he is only communicating daily because he thinks that's what you want. Try communicating with him?
Erised Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I don't find it necessary per se... but usually if someone wants me, they want to contact daily; and I want to contact them if I want them....It would be worth considering how interested you really are at this juncture. 2
Haydn Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 At the start of a RS, yes. Maybe less In The future. My OH and I, text daily. Works for us. Others not.
PinkInTheLimo Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 You don't want to lose him but you also don't want him. If you don't have time to answer a simple text before going to bed then you don't have time for a relationship. I disagree. You cannot go from being strangers one day to being in a close relationship the next day. If I am in a committed relationship where I don't live together with the guy and we are really serious, texting every night would probably be a normal thing to do. But if I have had a couple of dates with someone and it is nowhere clear if we are really in a relationship there is no need to act AS IF we are in a committed serious relationship. This is BTW something which really turns me off (and I guess also turns men off): people who after a couple of dates act as if you are already a steady couple. Let feelings develop for god's sake! You will not generate love by doing all the things that couples do because it are just empty acts as long as there is no real connection between the two of you. 7
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 You hold the power of least interest in this RS. Use it wisely, lest it reverse on you because of your behavior. You're in an odd position. You like this guy enough to keep seeing him, but not enough to match his interest. You can't just ask him to like you less, and you can't convince yourself to like him more. Texting him back daily would be a form of leading him on, so it sounds like a conversation is in order, and the texts would simply be a symptom of what this conversation is really all about. 3
lucy_in_disguise Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I can relate. Daily contact when you are just starting to date someone can be a bit much. Its one thing to send one text before going to sleep but ive run into people who immediately get into the play-by-play, constant stream of messages all day situation. I find that hard to deal with as its so distracting. Like you i have been accused of not having enough interest for not wanting to engage. The truth is the texting annoyed me to the point that i did lose interest. 3
clia Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I can also relate, and I don't think daily communication is necessary in the early stages of the relationship. In fact, I also found it very annoying, but I don't care for texting at all. To me, texting is not a good means to get to know someone and creates false intimacy. How much texting is it? Is it "Good morning" type stuff or is he trying to carry on a conversation with you over text throughout the day? I would also be bothered if a new guy was sending a number of text messages during the workday. I sometimes go the entire day without checking my phone during the workday because I am busy with work. (I honestly don't understand why some people need a constant stream of communication throughout the day.) If this is standard for him and he wants that all day type of texting, he may not be the right guy for you. I think you should respond when you want to respond and leave it at that. Have another conversation with him about it. You aren't going to like forcing yourself to respond when you don't want to respond. That's when the relationship becomes a burden rather than an addition to your life. 4
Ruby Slippers Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I say maintain whatever degree of contact you're comfortable with. If he's the right guy for you, it won't faze him and he'll adapt. 2
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 But if he didn't show that interest by texting wouldn't it bother you? I think it would me.
ASG Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I quite like daily contact. Maybe not at the very very start though... But as soon as things become at least regular, if not official/serious, yes, I'd like daily contact 1
Frank2thepoint Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I told him all this and he agreed but I also get the feeling that he wants more contact and that if I don't provide that he will lose interest. Since you already communicated this to him, and he's still contacting you daily, he's probably more into you than you are into him. Obviously he is comfortable with daily contact in such early stages of dating, while you aren't. Simply, you guys are not on the same page. Have one more earnest discussion with him, express your genuine interest, and that he does need to take it easy otherwise you'll feel too much pressure. If he doesn't change, sadly cut him loose. 1
OrangeParty Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Simply, you guys are not on the same page. Have one more earnest discussion with him, express your genuine interest, and that he does need to take it easy otherwise you'll feel too much pressure. If he doesn't change, sadly cut him loose. This. It sounds like you're an introvert. I'm an introvert too, and daily contact can be exhausting, especially if I'm already being surrounded by people throughout the day. This early in the relationship, you should let him know. If and when you guys are steady, then you can talk about compromises, but there's nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting daily contact. So don't feel bad for feeling that, and don't make him feel bad. You both just aren't on the same page at the moment. The important thing is to find a common ground you both can agree on (if you're both interested in each other) regarding contact frequency.
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I'm the same way, I enjoy quality conversation and time...not tit-for-tat, just checking in to make sure you're still on planet earth and living kind of thing. Daily life and duties can be enough to worry about on their own and stressful at times, it's annoying to have to think in the back of your mind that you've got to stop and occasionally stir the pot just so that the other person feels needed...not because you have anything important or meaningful to say, but because for some reason this feels to some people like a way of showing that you care. I for example post on LS whenever I feel like posting on LS...if I had a set schedule and HAD to do it as this daily duty or responsibility at a scheduled time, I'd be outta here within the week. I don't need good nights, good mornings or anything "generic", I'm secure enough to know that person is still interested and they won't just flutter away, because if they did then they probably weren't that interested in the first place...if it's genuine and doesn't feel forced I'm all for that, but if you're feeling like you've got to stretch just to meet someone else's expectations and it's more of a hassle than a natural flowing thing...then IMO there's no point in playing along. Therefore If I had already let them know, then I would ignore their text and just get back to them at a later time when I had time available and was not occupied with other things going on. I'm sure I haven't communicated enough for some people, but I know when I need a recharge and for myself it's about peace of mind. Forcing myself to go beyond that just for someone else's satisfaction and comfort just ends up leaving me short-tempered and agitated, which is not what I want to be if I can help it. I will be forcing myself to do it and will not be enjoying it. I need my personal time to decompress, relax and settle my thoughts...sometimes that doesn't result in a consistent flow of contact, especially If I have just spent a lot of time with someone. I will not be all over them, bombarding with texts, good-morning, and "how are you doing today?" the next day...I will give it a day or two and then the next time I see them be completely in that moment. I feel that as long as I am spending quality time with the person and giving them good enough reason to believe that I am interested and communicating with them on a regular basis (not daily basis), then I don't need to be all over them and up in their face. 3
preraph Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Busy people don't have time to switch gears from career to their love life multiple times a day. If you think he's too demanding for you now in texting, just imagine what it would be like if you were married or living together. I really don't understand what it is about people who can't hear the word "no" when it comes to someone childishly expecting multidaily reassurances. It's just needy. I get it if you're a teenager. Once you're a working adult, there's no time for this crap -- or there shouldn't be if you want to get anywhere at your career. 2
PinkInTheLimo Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I can also relate, and I don't think daily communication is necessary in the early stages of the relationship. In fact, I also found it very annoying, but I don't care for texting at all. I agree. For me texting I when I'm late. Like in "just arrived in the train station. See you in 5 minutes." People need to give each other some space to long for each other. In the good old days the only thing people could do was write each other letters. Seemed to work fine for the older generations.
venusishername Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I'm of the camp of daily contact not being 'necessary' in the early stages of dating. If I was in a serious committed relationship, sure. But no, I'm busy, I'm independent, I'm at work, I'm working out, or socializing, or in my own head (when I'm not sleeping or on LS). I've got a pretty full plate and often don't have a whole lot of time to communicate tit for tat with someone I'm just dating. I feel comfortable with maybe every other day or so in the beginning, maybe just a few texts back and forth, not many. A phone call here and there is nice. Weekly or twice weekly dates. It's really about what you feel comfortable with. Everyone is different. I met someone who texted me up to three times per day nearly every day and it put me off. I don't like meaningless exchanges like 'Happy Wednesday!' I prefer quality over quantity.
An0nymiss666 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I have recently started dating someone and I don't feel the desire to be in daily contact. He initiates it every day and I kind of feel obliged to reply. The problem is that I have so much stuff happening that I often find that I have turned around and 5 hours have flown by. I often come from work meetings and find that I have number of texts to reply to and I find myself giving short replies as to not encourage more texts. It's not helping that I also have a lot of messages from friends and family along the lines "you have been distant lately" simply because I don't get around to replying to everything. Basically I want to date and let things move slowly and naturally. I told him all this and he agreed but I also get the feeling that he wants more contact and that if I don't provide that he will lose interest. Not sure how to let a relationship develop and not feel suffocated at the same time. I don't want to lose him but I also don't want to feel pressured to give more time than I am comfortable with. Sounds similar to my situation. By the time I get home from work I've been gone for nearly 10 hours, and I have little to no time to reply to texts at work or have any type of conversation for that matter. I spend the remaining time in my evening eating dinner, doing household things and winding down before I go to bed and go to work the next day. It doesn't sound like you are entirely interested though, which is fine, because you're entitled to your own feelings and sometimes you just don't feel the same. If I'm genuinely interested in someone and really want it to work out, I utilize any time I can to keep some sort of conversation. Same when I had a boyfriend. However, you should not feel pressured in any way especially if you've already talked about it. If he can't empathize your feelings or where you're coming from, then maybe just keep doing what you're doing, and see what happens. If he's understanding, and things start doing better, good. But if he loses interest or keeps making you feel pushed then it's not meant to be. Again, you shouldn't feel pressured or suffocated or forced to give more than you can/want to.
thecrucible Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I have a somewhat busy life and I haven't been in a very serious relationship for a while. I'm also an introvert. I think in a new relationship, I'd prefer to communicate every couple of days or so by telephone calls (I hate texting) but I would reach a compromise with the guy. If I'd just met the guy and even if I liked him, it would be really hard for me to switch into relationship mode that quickly. The fact that he liked me wouldn't turn me off, I'd just feel a little pressured. I've learnt this has turned guys off so I think I will be straight up with them in future and tell them I want to take things one step at a time. I do understand how the OP feels. I don't think it's that she doesn't like the guy enough necessarily. I do recognise that feeling myself that you get used to doing things your way if you're not a relationship and then it's a bit of an adjustment to be in a relationship and that takes time. I definitely think a discussion is needed as if you don't address it, he may get the idea that you aren't as interested as him. This could also be a good time to discuss your needs in a relationship and see how they match up. With some people, they can't meet each other's needs and it can't be reconciled; but sometimes discussion can enable understanding.
Leigh 87 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 If I have the spark for someone, I am excited about them, I cannot wait to see or talk to them. A day wouldn't fly with me, when I am really into someone. I like a nightly call or a short text conversation if no phone call transpires. 1
Gaeta Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 When we meet someone and we both like each other I think it's normal to touch base daily. Skipping a day is ok but if the guy only contacts me to set up a date and I don't hear from him other than that, I lose interest fast. I also don't need conversations, just a how's your day is sufficient. I am busy like anyone else. I got a demanding job, I get home late, I got errands and activities. It does not keep me from replying to a text. If I am driving or having company I reply to my text once in bed. Tonight I spent the evening cooking, the phone is right there and between half a teaspoon of clover and a pinch of thyme I have time to send a hello to someone. Then it depends what you are looking for. If you are only looking for someone to date then being contacted each day will annoy you. I am looking for a life partner, a man I will hopefully spend the rest of my life with. If someone gets my attention I want to hear from him, I don't want him to invade me, but I want to hear from him. 3
blackcat777 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I think that unless the content is fresh, interesting, funny, or somehow enriches the other person's day, it should generally be avoided and genuine face-to-face is preferable. Right now, my man and I only see each other 3-4 days out of the week. I prefer all our encounters and exchanges to be high quality, high octane. If I am tired, feeling crummy, feeling needy, whatever, I'll sleep on it and reach out to him when I am refreshed and have something enriching to communicate. *This is a general rule of mine for posting on social media, too. Soooo many people I know get bogged down in boring texts and then freak out when someone stops responding as quickly as they once did. I try to keep the spirit of the egg timer idea in The Rules (without the egg timer... or hard and fast rules... Rules Girls would hate me for it ): set an egg timer for no more than ten minutes and immediately get off the phone. I repeat, I do not use an egg timer, BUT, to me, the spirit of a brief contact filled with lots of passion builds both positive interactions and mystery. I want my man to call me because our interactions are always lovely... not because he feels like it's a chore. Therefore, I keep them short and sweet. Same thing with emails. I might send a sappy one here or there, provided it's genuine, and I have some kind of new and intimate emotional insight to share over the week. If something is hilarious, I'll definitely send it. Sometimes I'll send raunchy ones. But, it's never predictable and it should GIVE something to him some way. tl;dr : QUALITY contact > quantity of contact. 1
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