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Would bad communcation be a deal breaker for you?


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Posted

My girlfriend has a bad past of people leaving her, father left young and also her ex left her when she had a 2 week old son together. Anyway long story short every argument just escalates because i see myself as a good communicator but she's more the 'lets give him silent treatment for 3 days until he figures it out himself' type.

 

Safe to say it drives me insane. Shes old enough now not far off 30 year old and still cant talk about simple subjects so you can imagine how hard it is when serious things happen.

 

Last week I was thrown out and I knew somewhere she didnt want it over but she just didnt know what else to say so she ended it. I left and have been at parents some nights, hotels and some nights even staying at the office through the night which is just unreal. Anyway everytime she sees me slipping away (as in ill go view a flat somewhere) she texts me something cryptic and full of blame 'im sorry you couldnt just be patient' everytime its like a back handed apology basically 'sorry but your fault'. All this week ive asked her because shes said 'you got lazy and i dont want to live with you anymore and think you should get your own place' my reply 'ok so what does that mean for us? what do you suggest because im not sure i can move out and just go back to dating' she doesnt reply, a day or 2 later ill text again 'i no you need space but once youve decided what you want maybe we can talk if its not too late, viewing flats in morning as cant wait forever' her reply 'you always issue ultimatums and never listen to me' me' i am listening but you arent talking to me? what am i not hearing? you want me out fine but what now then because you text me saying sorry you couldnt be patient is it just blame or are you saying you want it but want to try what? are you saying you dont ever want to live with me? i need something solid so can make a decision' a week this has gone on and i just feel now like saying 'i cannot make a life anymore with someone who lacks the most basic communcation skills, you say you dont want it, then you do then i ask ok so what now then and you again dont know'

Posted

It sounds like you have a pretty crappy relationship.

 

Quit it with the stupid texts. CALL or meet in person to discuss these important issues. 90% of human communication is non-verbal and you miss out on all of that when you restrict your life issues to 160 characters or less.

 

I don't know if "bad communication" is a deal breaker for me, but if someone kicked me out - forced me to stay in hotels and at the office - then it certainly would be! Jeez man. You're letting her treat you like a cat, she simply puts you out of the door when she doesn't want you there. What kind of relationship is that? You let her get away with it and go running right back when she whistles. Have you no self respect?

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Posted

You're completley right and know i have to stand my ground but everytime i do i hate how she then leaves it days then the inevitable texts 'why did you have to change' or 'why couldnt you just relax then id want you here' something thats means i deserved it, i obviously fight my corner saying i mihgt of done wrong but dont deserve this and it starts again. GOT TO LET IT GO. head feels like it could actually explode with all this pressure building up :( how the hell do you leave such a toxic relationship? everytime i move on, look at flats, get myself in a good place emotionally something happens and i cant cut her off yet because she still hasnt given me my stuff back.

 

It sounds like you have a pretty crappy relationship.

 

Quit it with the stupid texts. CALL or meet in person to discuss these important issues. 90% of human communication is non-verbal and you miss out on all of that when you restrict your life issues to 160 characters or less.

 

I don't know if "bad communication" is a deal breaker for me, but if someone kicked me out - forced me to stay in hotels and at the office - then it certainly would be! Jeez man. You're letting her treat you like a cat, she simply puts you out of the door when she doesn't want you there. What kind of relationship is that? You let her get away with it and go running right back when she whistles. Have you no self respect?

Posted
My girlfriend has a bad past of people leaving her, father left young and also her ex left her when she had a 2 week old son together. Anyway long story short every argument just escalates because i see myself as a good communicator but she's more the 'lets give him silent treatment for 3 days until he figures it out himself' type.

 

Safe to say it drives me insane. Shes old enough now not far off 30 year old and still cant talk about simple subjects so you can imagine how hard it is when serious things happen.

 

Last week I was thrown out and I knew somewhere she didnt want it over but she just didnt know what else to say so she ended it. I left and have been at parents some nights, hotels and some nights even staying at the office through the night which is just unreal. Anyway everytime she sees me slipping away (as in ill go view a flat somewhere) she texts me something cryptic and full of blame 'im sorry you couldnt just be patient' everytime its like a back handed apology basically 'sorry but your fault'. All this week ive asked her because shes said 'you got lazy and i dont want to live with you anymore and think you should get your own place' my reply 'ok so what does that mean for us? what do you suggest because im not sure i can move out and just go back to dating' she doesnt reply, a day or 2 later ill text again 'i no you need space but once youve decided what you want maybe we can talk if its not too late, viewing flats in morning as cant wait forever' her reply 'you always issue ultimatums and never listen to me' me' i am listening but you arent talking to me? what am i not hearing? you want me out fine but what now then because you text me saying sorry you couldnt be patient is it just blame or are you saying you want it but want to try what? are you saying you dont ever want to live with me? i need something solid so can make a decision' a week this has gone on and i just feel now like saying 'i cannot make a life anymore with someone who lacks the most basic communcation skills, you say you dont want it, then you do then i ask ok so what now then and you again dont know'

 

block her.

 

she needs a psychologist, not a boyfriend. Send her a number to one.

  • Like 1
Posted
It sounds like you have a pretty crappy relationship.

 

Quit it with the stupid texts. CALL or meet in person to discuss these important issues. 90% of human communication is non-verbal and you miss out on all of that when you restrict your life issues to 160 characters or less.

 

I don't know if "bad communication" is a deal breaker for me, but if someone kicked me out - forced me to stay in hotels and at the office - then it certainly would be! Jeez man. You're letting her treat you like a cat, she simply puts you out of the door when she doesn't want you there. What kind of relationship is that? You let her get away with it and go running right back when she whistles. Have you no self respect?

 

This is beyond poor communication.

 

I don't have a cat but in general the cats I know are treated better than this...

 

She is blaming you for her own short comings and insecurities. This will only get worse and worse. FAR too much drama.

  • Like 1
Posted

I've never thought about it, but ultimately I think bad communication would be a deal breaker simply because if I can't properly communicate with someone that relationship is not going to grow into anything significant. My fiancé had that problem with the last girl he dated - he said she was very nice, but just couldn't communicate. Almost, like she didn't really know how to date / be a girlfriend. It ultimately led to their break-up.

 

 

As far as your specific situation, this would be a deal breaker for me. I want a healthy relationship, not this kind of crap you are dealing with. Adults need to be able to discuss, not kick each other out. I can't stand the games/push-pull.

Posted

It sounds like she has a lot of issues connected to her childhood and picking wrong partners. I'd guess abandonment issues, anxiety, low self-esteem, the lot.

 

Bad communication is a symptom of this, not the cause. It's not that you aren't listening, it's that she is unable to accept that you are a good guy and won't screw her over. You are patient, you think she will learn to trust you. Yet every time there is a conflict, you are back to square one, all the good work trying to stabilise the relationship gets undone.

 

Your needs are also neglected. She is self-centred focusing only on her own issues and how you let her down all over again even though you know you haven't done anything wrong and you tried to talk. How you feel is never taken into consideration. You are sometimes bewildered by how the hurt is caused to you goes ignored.

 

something like this?

Posted
i cant cut her off yet because she still hasnt given me my stuff back.

First you need to decide whether you've smacked your head against this brick wall for enough yet, or not.

 

If you have then we offer lots of advice about what to do, how to get your stuff back, etc.

 

But I think you've still got more head-bashing in you. You seem to still think this relationship is going to have a happy ending, but it isn't. When you understand that she will never change, and that this relationship has to end for your own happiness, then we can talk logistics.

Posted
You're completley right and know i have to stand my ground but everytime i do i hate how she then leaves it days then the inevitable texts 'why did you have to change' or 'why couldnt you just relax then id want you here' something thats means i deserved it, i obviously fight my corner saying i mihgt of done wrong but dont deserve this and it starts again. GOT TO LET IT GO. head feels like it could actually explode with all this pressure building up :( how the hell do you leave such a toxic relationship? everytime i move on, look at flats, get myself in a good place emotionally something happens and i cant cut her off yet because she still hasnt given me my stuff back.

 

Is it stuff you can replace at the store? Then let her keep it. If it's important papers or family heirlooms, you go there when she's at work and get your stuff--you still have the keys, don't you? If not, return with the sheriff or constable to retrieve your belongings so she can't cause a fuss.

 

She does this because you let her do it. She's got issues and needs to be talking to a therapist about her abandonment issues. You are not trained or equipped to lead her through that minefield.

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Posted

I would say this is spot on. The relationship worked fine (or to my knowledge) when we argued and i had my own place because every single argument she'd ask me to leave and i'd get the usual text 'leave me alone'. So what i learnt to do was drive home, do my own things and innevitably sometimes within a few minutes sometimes hours she'd eventually text saying something like 'i wish youd just listen' and that was her way of apologising, she never says sorry because says she just never has and doesnt like too say sorry. A lot of the arguments where my fault ill admit because we'd fight over everything from not having enough sex too something small like not doing the dishes. For some reason i was always too blame. Its got to a point where the other day she tore up a memory we had from our memory box she made me for xmas, it was a picture id drawn after our first year together of us in a house, just a little joke as at the bottom it said my name and my age, like a kids drawing, anyway she was yelling and saying awful stuff and i just stayed quiet because knew if i faught back it gets worse, then she pulled that out the box i said 'dont even think about it' looked me dead in the eye, tore it up and said calmly '**** that' whilst smiling. I have said over and over 'YES the arguments might ALL BE MY FAULT but how you react is insane'

 

It sounds like she has a lot of issues connected to her childhood and picking wrong partners. I'd guess abandonment issues, anxiety, low self-esteem, the lot.

 

Bad communication is a symptom of this, not the cause. It's not that you aren't listening, it's that she is unable to accept that you are a good guy and won't screw her over. You are patient, you think she will learn to trust you. Yet every time there is a conflict, you are back to square one, all the good work trying to stabilise the relationship gets undone.

 

Your needs are also neglected. She is self-centred focusing only on her own issues and how you let her down all over again even though you know you haven't done anything wrong and you tried to talk. How you feel is never taken into consideration. You are sometimes bewildered by how the hurt is caused to you goes ignored.

 

something like this?

Posted
I would say this is spot on. The relationship worked fine (or to my knowledge) when we argued and i had my own place because every single argument she'd ask me to leave and i'd get the usual text 'leave me alone'. So what i learnt to do was drive home, do my own things and innevitably sometimes within a few minutes sometimes hours she'd eventually text saying something like 'i wish youd just listen' and that was her way of apologising, she never says sorry because says she just never has and doesnt like too say sorry. A lot of the arguments where my fault ill admit because we'd fight over everything from not having enough sex too something small like not doing the dishes. For some reason i was always too blame. Its got to a point where the other day she tore up a memory we had from our memory box she made me for xmas, it was a picture id drawn after our first year together of us in a house, just a little joke as at the bottom it said my name and my age, like a kids drawing, anyway she was yelling and saying awful stuff and i just stayed quiet because knew if i faught back it gets worse, then she pulled that out the box i said 'dont even think about it' looked me dead in the eye, tore it up and said calmly '**** that' whilst smiling. I have said over and over 'YES the arguments might ALL BE MY FAULT but how you react is insane'

 

...AND she's emotionally abusive.

 

she needs a psychiatrist, not a boyfriend.

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Posted

The pathetic thing on my part is its happened for so long i actually (in the days of silent treatment) convince myself i AM tottally 100% wrong and i stupidly apologise, said to my friends 'if id just hit nail of head after first argument and left her shed never do it again' but i didnt and its got slowly worse, at first it was small fights and her saying 'leave me alone' might take a few hours, nowadays its 'leave me alone' and it can be for weeks.

 

Just hate how i get this nagging feeling that i am too blame and i should apologise, too bloody soft but it eats away at me that her final words are always about how if id just changed id have everything i ever wanted and she'd give me whatever i wanted if i just changed, i then msg her to say take time to think and she replies 'leave me alone' im left feeling its all my fault and just cant eat or work or sleep for days. Then she texts, feel were getting somewhere and its arging again. just look at our converation style as text to get my things back in a really nice way

ME: Hope youre both well, ill come to collect my things in next day or 2 when youre in

HER: fine

HER: im really sorry you couldnt give it time

HER A 3RD TIME: I really hope you treat your next gf better just remember whats happened here with how you treat me

ME: Personally i think our only issue was communcation, you shut me out we never met to talk and it was all done on text which gets us knowhere

HER: You just stopped listening so i gave up

ME: For a week ive said what i wanted and all youve said is 'i dont want you here anymore, think you should get my own place and lets go slow' now for me im not sure what that means so i just asked 'what now then?'

HER: Youre still not listening

ME: Im listening but you dont talk, you sound like you want me out but for how long? are you saying its over because cant live with me, its not over but you want to date or what, what do you want? then when weve both said what we want WE can make a decision if its worth doing or not

HER: You no i loved you but you didnt listen

ME: Im not sure what else to say all im asking is so what do you suggest we do? i suggested what i thought and you said no, so what do you suggest

HER: Oh just forget it

 

i mean am i insane here? what am i missing?

Posted
ME: Hope youre both well, ill come to collect my things in next day or 2 when youre in

HER: fine

HER: im really sorry you couldnt give it time

HER A 3RD TIME: I really hope you treat your next gf better just remember whats happened here with how you treat me

ME: "Is tomorrow afternoon OK?"

 

i mean am i insane here? what am i missing?

Yes you are totally insane to keep smacking your head against this brick wall.

This relationship is dead. DEAD. But you just can't stop flogging it.

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Posted

On the other side of the coin though to EVERYONE but me shes the sweetest most caring girl ive ever met, loyal honest and everything. Just could never get my head around why I pissed her off so much. Anyway doing the 'no contact' and blocking thing. Its time to get this sorted.

 

Thanks for advice and agree its best to just go seperate ways.

  • Like 1
Posted
The pathetic thing on my part is its happened for so long i actually (in the days of silent treatment) convince myself i AM tottally 100% wrong and i stupidly apologise, said to my friends 'if id just hit nail of head after first argument and left her shed never do it again' but i didnt and its got slowly worse, at first it was small fights and her saying 'leave me alone' might take a few hours, nowadays its 'leave me alone' and it can be for weeks.

 

Just hate how i get this nagging feeling that i am too blame and i should apologise, too bloody soft but it eats away at me that her final words are always about how if id just changed id have everything i ever wanted and she'd give me whatever i wanted if i just changed, i then msg her to say take time to think and she replies 'leave me alone' im left feeling its all my fault and just cant eat or work or sleep for days. Then she texts, feel were getting somewhere and its arging again. just look at our converation style as text to get my things back in a really nice way

ME: Hope youre both well, ill come to collect my things in next day or 2 when youre in

HER: fine

HER: im really sorry you couldnt give it time

HER A 3RD TIME: I really hope you treat your next gf better just remember whats happened here with how you treat me

ME: Personally i think our only issue was communcation, you shut me out we never met to talk and it was all done on text which gets us knowhere

HER: You just stopped listening so i gave up

ME: For a week ive said what i wanted and all youve said is 'i dont want you here anymore, think you should get my own place and lets go slow' now for me im not sure what that means so i just asked 'what now then?'

HER: Youre still not listening

ME: Im listening but you dont talk, you sound like you want me out but for how long? are you saying its over because cant live with me, its not over but you want to date or what, what do you want? then when weve both said what we want WE can make a decision if its worth doing or not

HER: You no i loved you but you didnt listen

ME: Im not sure what else to say all im asking is so what do you suggest we do? i suggested what i thought and you said no, so what do you suggest

HER: Oh just forget it

 

i mean am i insane here? what am i missing?

 

This is nothing but bald faced manipulation.

 

You're missing that she's not got her head screwed on right and she's found someone to kick in the nuts when it amuses her. She yanks on your chain and you come running back like a puppy to get kicked in the nuts over and over---then told it's your fault that you keep coming back to get kicked in the nuts.

 

All she has for you is abuse. She keeps saying that you don't listen: WELL, TALK, THEN! SPIT IT OUT!!! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY? GET TO THE POINT! She has nothing to say because if she did, she'd have said it already.

 

This whole interaction is really above your pay grade. You will end up losing your mind trying to get through to her.

Posted

For once in your life, be a bad communicator.

 

Just go already. Stop dragging it out. Leave your stuff there unless it is irreplaceable. Don't respond to messages. Let the baby's daddy be the baby daddy.

 

Go find yourself a nice girl you can talk to, that will help you be happy.

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Posted
I would say this is spot on. The relationship worked fine (or to my knowledge) when we argued and i had my own place because every single argument she'd ask me to leave and i'd get the usual text 'leave me alone'. So what i learnt to do was drive home, do my own things and innevitably sometimes within a few minutes sometimes hours she'd eventually text saying something like 'i wish youd just listen' and that was her way of apologising, she never says sorry because says she just never has and doesnt like too say sorry. A lot of the arguments where my fault ill admit because we'd fight over everything from not having enough sex too something small like not doing the dishes. For some reason i was always too blame. Its got to a point where the other day she tore up a memory we had from our memory box she made me for xmas, it was a picture id drawn after our first year together of us in a house, just a little joke as at the bottom it said my name and my age, like a kids drawing, anyway she was yelling and saying awful stuff and i just stayed quiet because knew if i faught back it gets worse, then she pulled that out the box i said 'dont even think about it' looked me dead in the eye, tore it up and said calmly '**** that' whilst smiling. I have said over and over 'YES the arguments might ALL BE MY FAULT but how you react is insane'

It will never ever change. Never. if you stood on your head it wouldn't change.

 

Do you know why? Because she doesn't want it to. If she did, she would be seeking a solution but she isn't. She doesn't want to let go the resentment and that anger and you can't make her.

 

Do you understand that?

  • Like 1
Posted
On the other side of the coin though to EVERYONE but me shes the sweetest most caring girl ive ever met, loyal honest and everything. Just could never get my head around why I pissed her off so much. Anyway doing the 'no contact' and blocking thing. Its time to get this sorted.

 

Thanks for advice and agree its best to just go seperate ways.

Oh my ex is the most loyal guy on the planet. Once I got through the hard layers he stuck with me through thick and thin. It's the mindf**k I had a problem with because he doesn't have a handle on his anxiety. It runs so deep that I would have to reassure him every day with something that I cared about him. The day I did something 'wrong' (dunno like not initiating contact or not arranging what time to meet up and leaving it to him instead) he would crumble. Apparently if I don't text for a day it's because I expect him to sit by the phone because I'm doing this on purpose. Never mind that I had initiated text 20 times before. ONCE I didn't and that was enough.

 

Or I left it too late to confirm drinks, god forbid, expected him to do this instead.

 

Or I talked to other people more than to him on occasion (sarcastic comments about my new friends).

 

Or me taking up new hobbies.

 

Or me earning more money.

 

Or not picking up on the miriad of subtle hints because I wanted clear communication.

 

the list will always be endless OP. IT. WILL. NEVER. END.

  • Like 2
Posted

Perfect issue for couples counseling.

Posted

This is not one of those relationships that is impossible to save, as everyone so far will have you believe. You say you understand where her s**t comes from. My friend had a husband that was like your gf. She managed to open him up and teach him to express his thoughts and feelings better. Today they have no issue with it. It is a skill people can learn if they are talked to in a way they can understand and friendly loving way. Not using the phrases and terms that will push them deeper into being closed up... etc.

 

 

That aside, I am sure you cannot be completely clueless as to what is going on. What is it that you are apologizing when you are apologizing? The way you presented it here is that you have no clue what is going on. That might be sometimes, but what about other times? Find out what is really bothering her and deal with it. You apparently hurt her at some level.

 

 

If you are looking for a way out you know where the door is, simple as that. If you want to stay with this girl and help her become better at communicating then you have to take some pain and work on it. Nobody is perfect and learning to communicate your feelings is not an impossible task with the right person.

Posted

" Its got to a point where the other day she tore up a memory we had from our memory box she made me for xmas, it was a picture id drawn after our first year together of us in a house, just a little joke as at the bottom it said my name and my age, like a kids drawing, anyway she was yelling and saying awful stuff and i just stayed quiet because knew if i faught back it gets worse, then she pulled that out the box i said 'dont even think about it' looked me dead in the eye, tore it up and said calmly '**** that' whilst smiling.

 

that is not a woman who is of the mind to want to deal with her issues.

  • Like 1
Posted
" Its got to a point where the other day she tore up a memory we had from our memory box she made me for xmas, it was a picture id drawn after our first year together of us in a house, just a little joke as at the bottom it said my name and my age, like a kids drawing, anyway she was yelling and saying awful stuff and i just stayed quiet because knew if i faught back it gets worse, then she pulled that out the box i said 'dont even think about it' looked me dead in the eye, tore it up and said calmly '**** that' whilst smiling.

 

that is not a woman who is of the mind to want to deal with her issues.

 

I'm interested to hear the WHY... what triggers these things and emotions. Look, people do all sort of stuff they are not suppose to do and don't react in the best way, to say the least. Reading stuff here, everyone is perfectly emotionally stable and in control 100% of the time. I am first to admit that with my ex I once slammed a door so hard I made the wall around it crack, I scared even myself. Pure frustration. I know what pissed me off, and if I were in that situation today, I would walk away from such person rather than have someone frustrate me to the point when I cannot even control myself. We all have it in us, so lets stop faking it and pointing finger towards someone who tears apart a box. She was apparently hurt with something and if he gives a damn he will try and find out what is happening. Thing is to find a person who does not bring the worst out of you, but the best. She also deserves that especially after that nasty history she had with everyone in her life.

Posted
I'm interested to hear the WHY... what triggers these things and emotions. Look, people do all sort of stuff they are not suppose to do and don't react in the best way, to say the least. Reading stuff here, everyone is perfectly emotionally stable and in control 100% of the time. I am first to admit that with my ex I once slammed a door so hard I made the wall around it crack, I scared even myself. Pure frustration. I know what pissed me off, and if I were in that situation today, I would walk away from such person rather than have someone frustrate me to the point when I cannot even control myself. We all have it in us, so lets stop faking it and pointing finger towards someone who tears apart a box. She was apparently hurt with something and if he gives a damn he will try and find out what is happening. Thing is to find a person who does not bring the worst out of you, but the best. She also deserves that especially after that nasty history she had with everyone in her life.

I don't think you understand the difference between dysfunctional behaviour (ie losing your temper when you have an argument instead of keeping a cool head, we are all human) and dysfunctional patterns being repeated over and over again.

 

Just like the OP, I worked hard to try to understand my ex as he has many very good qualities: loyalty for example as mentioned before. He is the first person I have been able to being completely honest about my short comings, he helped me accept myself, etc.

 

You see a curve with most people, you start rubbing along nicely, it's like two pieces of rocks where the surface gets smoother over the time, you learn about each others' little things, etc. That's how arguing well and growing together works.

 

It's naive to think that you can do this with absolutely anyone. There are people that don't face their issues because they are too scared of making the changes or don't want to let go of the anger. They expect everyone else to conform. People have to want to make those changes themselves. My ex has been very clear implicitly and explicitly that he wasn't prepared to do that.

 

I also disagree that you should be anyone's psychiatrist like your friend was to her boyfriend. This is how you end up in a codependent relationship, which might be what your friend has for all you know.

 

If someone isn't willing to meet you half-way, you should walk. Both parties are responsible for boundaries.

  • Like 2
Posted

"I want you to explain. I want to understand."

"You're not listening."

"What did I do!?"

"You're not listening."

 

Translation: I have really nothing to say, it's probably me more than it is you. I can't communicate so I'll just make it your fault regardless of however little fault you really have in this. But hey, I'll shift blame because you keep coming back for more punishment anyway.

 

PS: I'll never admit responsibility to anything.

  • Like 1
Posted

Emilia, you cannot judge the world on the basis of your experience with your ex. I say OP if you care enough, give it your best shot and give it time. If you don't leave her alone.

 

 

To the poster after Emili, the translation might be too not that she has nothing to say but that she does not know how to express.... Again, where is the OP and what has he done to get that out of her as I am willing to bet it did not come out of thin air.

 

 

It is easy for people here to dismiss everything and anything that requires real effort, OP. It is easy for people here to sat Find someone else, mentally healthier, etc... Here is a bit of reality: good luck with finding better. Good luck not because its not possible but because it is extremely hard to find a 'no problem' relationship. It will be either that she is too cold, too into herself, too into her work, too hang on her ex, has some bad habits, spends too much time at work, has annoying friends that she shared all the details of your relationship with, will lie to you, will cheat on you, is too flirty, is not so hot under the sheets, is really nice but boring, has ADD, is a sociopath, is narcissistic or histrionic, or has BPD, does not have libido and does not want sex, and this list goes on and on and on.... Just statistically, this describes more than 90% of the women (well, people) out there. The only difference between your gf and anyone is your willingness to fight for it as a grown up.

 

 

Or leave the girl alone to find a man that can handle these things as a man. Boy that will b***h about lack of communication skills without offering any solutions like to go to therapist, to talk to her as a friend and not a frightened mamma's boy, should indeed leave her alone. What were you apologizing for, what did YOU do?

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