32 SWF terrified of being alone forever

[moonlit_imperium]

I recently turned 32 and made the very tough choice of ending a horribly abusive 2.5 year long relationship. The relationship really should have ended over two years ago, but I had a really hard time breaking things off with him because I was so tortured by the thought of being alone (I have no friends whatsoever outside of him).

 

Before I met my ex, I was with someone else for over five years. We had more friends as a couple, but he was still pretty much my closest friend. I've always been the sort of woman who, as an extreme introvert, never really needed much social interaction outside of my boyfriend.

 

Now that my ex is gone, I'm terrified. I have no friends and nothing to do on the weekends. I really crave the companionship I used to have in my old relationships, as bad as they were. I have no one to talk to, no one to sooth the pain I feel right now. I just feel so lonely and depressed and it feels really hard to take it.

 

I've tried online dating and it never results in anything. I rarely find anyone attractive or interesting on any of these sites. I don't know if other women can relate to this - I'm certainly not a lesbian, but it's really hard for me to just feel attracted to a man based on looks alone. Like there's got to be something more to him, like his interests have to match well with mine. Then I'd have to meet him and maybe physical attraction can grow from there. As it is, I just don't see a single person on these sites who does anything for me. Almost all of them are just really plain and mention an interest in things that are totally banal to me like football and beer.

 

In the last week, I tried to shake off being so judgmental and wound up texting for a while with two guys. One of them eventually confessed that he lied about a lot of the things in his profile and also asked if I wanted to meet him this past weekend to use ecstasy. He said that if I was nervous, he had a whole stash of xanax which would help to calm me down. I was totally shocked. I had said nothing to this man about drug use whatsoever and had given no indication or hint that I would be into that sort of thing. For him to propose that as a first date was so disheartening and upsetting to me. I blocked him immediately. Last night I talked to another man I texted a bit on tinder. This one seemed normal and nice judging from the photos but in our very first conversation he talked about how he's had two DUI's, loves to smoke 420 every day, how he still lives with his parents, and how for the first time in ten years, he's finally gotten his credit straightened out. I appreciate his candor but at the same time, who would think any of this would be appealing to ANY woman?! After hearing all about these things for about 45 minutes, I politely told him I had to get off the phone and wound up blocking him as well. My ex in my last relationship was addicted to opiates (he did not tell him in the first few months of our relationship during which time I fell madly in love with him). I have absolutely no interest whatsoever after that experience being in a relationship with someone who is addicted to drugs! And it's starting to feel like everyone in the online dating world IS an addict or has some serious, serious issues!

 

As an introvert, online dating is one of the easiest options for me in terms of meeting people. I've tried looking into Meetup.com and I can't find anything on there that appeals to me. I have odd, quirky sorts of interests and I can't seem to find people in my area that match up with me in that way. I want to meet guys to date, not necessarily a whole variety of people to be friends with (although I'm not opposed to it). I'm just not a super social person. Maybe it's the wrong approach, but I never felt like I really needed friends outside of a significant other.

 

I just turned 32 and I'm terrified I will never get married and have children. I have baby fever pretty badly. My ex really wanted to have a child with me and it was very tempting, but I knew it would be a horrible situation given his problems with addiction and being very financially and emotionally abusive towards me. I just didn't have the heart to bring a child into a bad situation like that.

 

Everyone tells me I'm really attractive and sweet, although I find it hard to believe since no one is exactly beating down my door asking for a date. I'm routinely told I look more like I'm 24 than 32. I have a good job, but the social prospects there are totally lacking: almost all of the men I work with are foreign-born, much older, and married. There are no younger men in my age range.

 

I feel so sad and lonely. I just don't see how it's possible in any way whatsoever to meet someone and I don't even know how to go about trying. Online dating is the pits. It just doesn't work for me. I get plenty of messages but no one is appealing and the ones I do take a chance with seem to wind up being druggies/weirdos. And, say I do get into a relationship with someone, what are the odds that one won't fail too? I'm 32 and want to have a baby NOW and it takes a good six months at least to get to know someone! One therapist told me it ideally takes two years! And what man in their right mind would want to have a baby with me immediately? I feel so incredibly depressed that I don't know what to do or how to cope with this.

 

I feel like there's just a few little grains of sand left in the top of the hourglass... the time is ticking away and I feel so hopeless. A lot of these thoughts are what led me to stay in a terrible relationship with a terrible man. I finally realized I really had to leave that situation, but now I don't know what to do or where to turn. Some people have been telling me that women are having babies in their early 50s now but I do NOT want to do that. Just because it's possible doesn't mean you should. I want to have children now. I thought about doing the whole sperm donor thing but I barely make enough money to keep a roof over my head and I have no idea how I would be able to afford childcare which would cost about as much as my mortgage each month!

 

I guess I just needed to vent. Many thanks to anyone who listened/read this and I'd appreciate it if anyone has any advice.

Edited February 10, 2015 by moonlit_imperium

[Tayla]

welcome to the forum. rather a lengthy post. How independent are you? I ask since it sounds like you need to be in a relationship in order to be whole person. what career and hobbies do you maintain? I would suggest you read thru some threads, as the theme is common. I'm sure you can also be a good contributor to others who are going thru this as well. Again, welcome to the forum.

[moonlit_imperium]

Thank you!

 

I'm actually a very independent person contrary to what my post might indicate. I am very introverted by nature, and even in a relationship, I spend a considerable amount of time alone. I get burnt out from interacting with other people too much, and have always found just having a boyfriend to be an optimal/ideal level of interaction versus having a boyfriend and a lot of friends which would be very exhausting for me.

 

I have a lot of activities and hobbies but they are mainly solitary in nature. I have a dog who occupies much of my time and we are constantly taking nature walks through the area; I read a lot; love to cook; have gotten very heavily into video editing and creating short films; and I also spend a good amount of time exercising and swimming.

 

I think I'm just finding the whole being totally alone thing very daunting and difficult to deal with. Plus, that on top of all the thoughts about never getting married or having children and feeling like what little time I have is ticking away.

 

Thanks for your warm words. It's good to find a place like this!

[PegNosePete]

32 is still young. Many people older than you meet their future husbands and partners.

[Jessie1231]

The guys you met made me laugh. Sorry, it just sounds like the type of gems I would meet. Don't feel bad. I'm six years older than you and there are plenty of guys worth dating and even more who want to settle down. It's the art of finding the right one that I'm still mastering. I will, and you will too. From your post it does sound like you would benefit from being single for a while just to figure yourself out. I did that for a year after my marriage ended, and it helped me as I had started dating my husband at 18 so hadn't ever been on my own as an adult.

[Frank2thepoint]

I have odd, quirky sorts of interests and I can't seem to find people in my area that match up with me in that way.

 

What are your interests by the way, so maybe we can help point you in the right direction?

 

And, say I do get into a relationship with someone, what are the odds that one won't fail too?

 

That's negative thinking. There are no guarantees in life, especially relationships. It's unfortunate, but you just have to take a risk, invest, and hope for the best.

 

I'm 32 and want to have a baby NOW and it takes a good six months at least to get to know someone! One therapist told me it ideally takes two years! And what man in their right mind would want to have a baby with me immediately?

 

Your one therapist is correct, that it does take more than six months to get to know someone, especially if you want to get married and have children.

[Layla0027]

I really think you may have to bite the bullet, get out of your comfort zone and start working hard toward building a social life. For one thing, if you don't you are going to always depend too heavily on your boyfriend or spouse and this thing of being afraid to leave bad relationships will become a cycle. You will become too dependent on whoever you date and they will eventually feel the pressure too, of being your everything. The having a child may be to fill a void. In any case you'll be a much better partner and a much better parent if you take this time now to become a better, more well rounded person. You may not can or should try to change your nature but even introverts can have friends and a social life and with a good support system it makes going through things like this so much easier. 32 is not old at all and you need to stop thinking like that. It will be hard, but you'll just have to start thinking outside the box and be willing to take risks. Book clubs, lessons for some type of musical instrument, volunteer work........just make a list of any and everything you can think of where you may have a chance of meeting like minded people. Maybe even take a public speaking class or something like that....anything to get you out of your comfort zone and the more you get out of your comfort zone the more comfortable you will become.

[Nikki Sahagin]

OP, just thought I'd tell you that you aren't alone - I don't crave much social stimulation either. I'm happy with my family, bf and maybe one or two close friends. There's lots of people I like but I don't generally feel the need to see them often. It makes me feel tired/overwhelmed. Definately no party animal here!

[d0nnivain]

OLD is one tool to meet people. It's not the only one.

 

 

Do a variety of things to meet people & as you widen your circle you will meet more people. Tell good friends & family you are open to being fixed up.

 

 

Hang in there. I was 39 when I met DH.

 

 

However if you do want kids you should look into the options available for a single person.

[neowulf]

Hi OP.

 

I'm 36, male and introverted much like yourself. 5'11 and decent looking.

 

I've never been married, have no children. I don't smoke, gamble, drink or do drugs.

 

I have a professional career and earn a good salary.

I exercise daily, have a great circle of friends and a few hobbies.

 

I am single.

 

I am also not unique in the slightest.

 

There are many, MANY men like me floating around out there in the world.

 

They're not going to come to your house to meet you though. You're going to have to get out there and meet them.

 

Also, while I understand how stressed and terrified you are at the moment about the biological clock ticking, you NEED to get it under control.

 

No well adjusted, professional man is going to want to have kids with you 6 months after meeting you. You need to take a deep breath and accept your situation as it stands. Desperation only attracts two kinds of people. The equally desperate and predators.

 

You are only 32. Life is not over.

[Standard-Fare]

It seems like a huge problem that you have no social life. Why is that, exactly? Don't you have any old friends from your younger days who have remained in your life?*What about coworkers? Or acquaintances you like who could BECOME friends?

 

In my opinion, this problem is much more pressing than your lack of a love life, and deserves more of your attention. EVERYONE needs friends.

 

As far as your ticking clock, it might help to consider what options you could pursue for having a child WITHOUT a husband. Adoption, insemination, or even getting pregnant through a more casual dating situation rather than marriage, where the guy may or may not stick around.

 

It sounds like unbelievable stress and pressure to try to work out this magical schedule of meeting a suitable guy and dating him for the right amount of time before marrying him and having a kid immediately. You can't live like this. It's also a recipe for disaster to try to shoehorn this solution in place if it doesn't fit there naturally in the right time. You have to consider Options B, C, D.

Edited February 18, 2015 by Standard-Fare