Rose Petal Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I'm new to this site and have been reading the forums for the past few weeks and now here I am ready to share my story. Last year, through Facebook, my ex-fiancé contacted me and we started a "friendly' conversations. It has been 30 years since I broke up with him. For the first few months the conversation was just casual, once a week messaging. After about 4 months the chats get more flirtatious and he ask if he can call me. I agreed and we had a wonderful couple of hours chatting. A month after that he asks if he can come to my city to take me out to dinner. I have to admit I am pretty excited to see him again after all this time. (During the 30 years we had both moved to other countries, married with children and are now divorced - or so I was led to believe). He comes to visit and we have a wonderful weekend together, spending almost every hour together. It was almost like 30 years had melted away. He leaves to return to his country (another continent) and starts calling me every single day. It seems like we were falling in love all over again! 3 weeks later he flies me out to meet him at a luxury resort and we have another fabulous 4 days together and during this time he asks me to marry him/ Honestly I'm hesitant due to the fact that I have 3 kids in my city that I really need to be here for and I am also very pragmatic and understand that this new love is very fast and somewhat fantasy. Another trip is planned a few weeks after that and once again another magical long weekend. During this time he admits to me that he is not legally divorced but has been living separately from his spouse for two years, with him living in another country for the past year. His explanation is that they have property and a business that they just never got around to divorcing!!! After this revelation I am pretty suspect but being honest with myself I was extremely flattered by his pursuing of me and his constant attention. We still talk many times a day and he invites me to come visit him in Asia to spend Christmas with him. Due to my work commitments I was unable so he asks if he can come visit me here for the holidays. He arrives and spends 9 days with me (he is in a hotel the whole time). The day before he arrives I receive a copy of an email from his wife to him telling him to have a wonderful time over the holidays with his girlfriend as she will be spending it with her children. She intimated that she is disappointed that he chose to visit me after they have been getting along really well the past six months. I discuss this with him in depth and his explanation is that whilst they live in separate countries they still get along really well and that he still has a lot of respect for her as the mother of his children but he does not love her. After his 9 day visit he returns to Asia and this time the phone calls and text increase dramatically, sometimes up to 22 a day. Now the tone of our conversations are really in depth, he talks marriage all the time and really wants me to consider moving to be with him. He is constantly inviting me to come visit him in Asia for the Chinese New Year which I cannot do. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and he calls me twice in the morning, leaving me two lovely voicemails, and then my phone rings again. The voice on the end is his wife. She identifies herself and just ask who I am. I reply my name and she hangs up. She calls back again two minutes later and tells me she has him with her, he calls out hello. I mumble a hello back. She asks me if the last time I contacted him was 2nd January - I, in my astonishment, respond "you two need to chat about this". She responds - "thanks, you just answered my question" and hangs up. That whole day I am in total disbelief. Next morning I receive a text message from him saying that he loves his wife and children and wants to make his life with them. He tacks on an apology and says I will not hear from him again. I have to be honest I am furious - I block and delete all contact info for him. Pack up all the gifts that he gave me and throw them in the attic. Now a few weeks later I find I am so very, very sad at this. How could I have been so much in a fog that I believed all his ****. I have been reading posts and did wonder if I should reach out to this wife to let her know that I would answer any questions she may have but I believe if she wants to know anymore info then she will contact me. Any insight or thoughts would be appreciated.
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 You got burned by him. Big time. He obviously mislead you about his exact status with his wife and marriage though there were little red flags you either didn't see or chose to ignore because you were wrapped up in feelings for him and as you say, the fantasy. If she contacts you again, then tell her your side of things. Don't contact her. He isn't the same man you knew 30 years ago. Take care of you now and focus on letting go and keep busy with your kids. They are your life. 5
Gloria_Smellons Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 So sorry you've gone through this. Don't contact the wife, but if she contacts you I would tell her the truth because you were misled by this man. I know you feel that you ignored some red flags, and that's maybe true, but I don't really see what you could've done differently here. You can't go into every potential relationship being suspicious and distrusting. My way of thinking is to trust people who seem genuine, until they give you a reason not too. He's given you that reason now, so leave him in the dust and never contact this douchebag again. Focus on yourself, and don't forget to forgive yourself.
Friskyone4u Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Rose You are not really an OW in any sense but that you were trusting and believed his lies. I guess technically some might say you are OW , but not by your own choosing. Now, if after reading his no contact request and knowing he has told you he is staying with his wife you restart your relationship , then I would say you might be an OW. If he contacts you again and you talk to him the first thing I would ask for is a copy of his divorce decree. You should consider yourself lucky that you did not do something impulsive and quit your job and move to Asia or wherever he is. You dodged a bulllet on that one. Don't be too hard on yourself for being trusting .
pheonixrisen Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Sorry you are going through this...you are not the ow, you just got played ..tc of your self. 1
gettingstronger Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Thats a terrible thing for him to do- hindsight is 20/20 and now that infidelity has been part of my life I would have ducked and run with the red flags but if I am being honest-before this experience in my life I probably would not have- Point being-you learned a painful but valuable lesson on protecting yourself-you will get lots of flack on here because its easy for us to forget who we were before infidelity- Live, learn and move forward- 1
Popsicle Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Don't blame yourself or beat yourself up about this. It's not one bit your fault. People lie. Especially when they are long distance. The distance makes it convenient to keep a lie. Take this as a lesson learned to not engage in long distance ever again and that, yes, there are unhappily married people out there who will do this. Verifying that they are not married/taken is one of the first things you need to do. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 this is clearly not your fault. When people tell you they are divorced...unless you have a reason to investigate further...why would you? He is the one who misrepresented himself...not you. I am so very sorry you have found yourself in the situation. I hope you heal quickly..... I certainly would not have any contact of any kind with him...what a sleeze he is for doing this.
Author Rose Petal Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Thanks everyone for your kind response. I really hope and pray I am not an OW......I could never look for happiness if it meant causing pain to someone else, even if I do not know them. I will most definitely not be reconnecting with this man in any way. As someone has on their tag "when someone shows you who they are.....believe them". Well he has shown me who he is! I have to admit to feeling anger towards him now and have thought about sending him an honest (come to Jesus) letter or text telling him exactly what I think of him. I do believe that people need to be held accountable and it appears to me that he is getting away with this, with no thoughts to the hurt he is causing. He is very insecure about himself, something we talked about many times, and maybe an honest letter may stop this kind of behavior with someone else in the future. On reflection I don't think I am the first one he has stepped outside of his marriage and I probably will not be the last. Thoughts please.
Cinnimon Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 This is horrible. I'm sorry you are going through this because of this liar. Maybe you should put a disclaimer on your facebook page, tagging him in it, saying "so in so is not single and free to date even though he makes people believe that he is" Yeah, I know.......but this makes me mad!
CarrieT Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Send his wife copies of all the emails and texts you received. She should know how duplicitous he has been. 1
elaine567 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Send his wife copies of all the emails and texts you received. She should know how duplicitous he has been. ...and a nice pic of all the presents he bought you too. 1
oldshirt Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 People have lied and conned their way past the Secret Service to have formal dinners with the president of United States inside the White House. If someone is skilled and motivated enough, they can pull one over on anybody. 1
Josmatjes Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I feel awful for you. What a total crappy thing he did! I mean to let his wife call you while he is sitting there with his tail between his legs! This was not your fault but I would definitely print out all those emails and texts and send them to her...she should also know what she married. Because he probably told her that it was all you!! They lie to everyone....
Quiet Storm Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I think when we reconnect with people from our past, the familiarity makes it feel more comfortable than it should, which increases the level of trust. If he had been someone you had just met, you'd have been much more skeptical. I know it may make you feel better to express your anger in a letter to him, but a letter won't change this guy. Hes a cheater and a liar, and hearing your feelings isn't going to spark an epiphany. He already knows he's a piece of crap and doesn't care. I'd just let it go, but answer any questions his wife might have if he contacts you.
jellybean89 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Maybe in the beginning you weren't the OW, but by Christmas, when she emailed you, you were out on notice then that he is a lair, yet you chose to ignore the red flags and spent 9 days with him. Quite frankly, I'm shocked you believed his story, after finding out recently that you knew he lied about being divorced. I am glad you are angry. He's a jerk and what he did to you was wrong on every level. I am sorry that he hurt you. 1
Standard-Fare Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Rose Petal, what a horrible story... especially because it was an old flame you were once engaged to. This is the second broken heart you've suffered because of this man. Contacting the wife: My guess is she snooped around in the past to discover incriminating evidence of this affair, probably emails or texts or something. It definitely doesn't sound like her husband willingly supplied that info himself, esp. because that phone call sounded like she was holding him hostage. (And also verifying contact info she'd discovered.) (P.S. I don't understand that "copied email from her" you received -- you mean she sent that, or the husband? Because the latter doesn't make sense.) Contacting the guy: You know, I don't think it's a terrible idea if it lets you vent and gives you some more closure. But I think you should give yourself some time to simmer on it and nail down the right effect. You don't want it to convey any weakness that could invite him to venture back into your life. You should make it crystal clear that you never want to see or hear from him again. I'd also advise against a rambling, long emotional tirade. Short, sharp and brutal is what you're going for.
Popsicle Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Thanks everyone for your kind response. I really hope and pray I am not an OW......I could never look for happiness if it meant causing pain to someone else, even if I do not know them. I will most definitely not be reconnecting with this man in any way. As someone has on their tag "when someone shows you who they are.....believe them". Well he has shown me who he is! I have to admit to feeling anger towards him now and have thought about sending him an honest (come to Jesus) letter or text telling him exactly what I think of him. I do believe that people need to be held accountable and it appears to me that he is getting away with this, with no thoughts to the hurt he is causing. He is very insecure about himself, something we talked about many times, and maybe an honest letter may stop this kind of behavior with someone else in the future. On reflection I don't think I am the first one he has stepped outside of his marriage and I probably will not be the last. Thoughts please. He didn't get away with it. He got caught. I would leave it alone if I were you and focus on MY healing.
Selfish Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 If you are the type of person who can write a long angry email, have the last say and never know what he his reaction/ response is I'd say write the letter and then change your email addy and get rid of the old. There are people who gain a lot by letting it out in a letter and then shutting the door. But if the letter would open up back and forth communication and you know you would need to know if he answered or not. Basically you could not walk away after and never look back, don't write it. Know yourself in this and be honest.
Selfish Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Maybe in the beginning you weren't the OW, but by Christmas, when she emailed you, you were out on notice then that he is a lair, yet you chose to ignore the red flags and spent 9 days with him. Quite frankly, I'm shocked you believed his story, after finding out recently that you knew he lied about being divorced. I am glad you are angry. He's a jerk and what he did to you was wrong on every level. I am sorry that he hurt you. I agree with getting stronger and not this. Hindsight is 20/20. You did nothing wrong. His insistence on you visiting his home lines up with him being single. I don't think you were an OW after the email.
Cavallier Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Don't do anything but work on yourself for the time being. Any act made when you aren't centered is probably going to be detrimental to your recovery. There may well come a time when you can wreak your revenge, in whatever form that takes, but it's a dish best eaten cold. Just take care of yourself for now, he doesn't deserve your head space. and you know what? When you're in a fit state to make a decision to contact one or the other, you won't need or want to
Chasing_mya Posted February 13, 2015 Posted February 13, 2015 I think he blind-sided you. You gave him the benefit of the doubt and believed he was single until weeks or months later he lays it on you that they are not officially divorced because of property. He sold you a dream and you bought it. He was very convincing and what woman wouldn't of been taken aback with all the attention and generosity he was giving you. The thing is now you know the truth and there is no reason to contact his wife. He's no prize and she knows it. If she wants to continue living this lie with her H that's on her but you don't have to be a part of it. Dust yourself off and keep your head up. This discovery is a blessing to you and thank goodness it happened now before you decided to up and relocate to be with him in another country. Continue NC and never look back. You don't need someone like him in your life, you deserve much better.
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