Mangina Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 What the hell did I just read? You weren't just not exclusive, you weren't anything. You just talk on the phone like a couple of teens you haven't even seen him outside of work. Why are you upset that a guy you don't like went to a party without telling you. Actually couldn't even tell you because you told him not to call you back. I'm just going to stop I don't what else is wrong.
Omei Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Wow Omei I'm going to say this and then I'm going to bed (im tired of talking in circles with you). I had a friend like you once ... so quick to defend a man Quick to defend a man? well Tigerlily does make a good point, have you ever been in an abusive relationship to even know the signs? I agree that I don't see anything here towards abuse as well. I use logic in my responces I dont favor males or females they can both be equally horrid or very wonderful I base everything off the most logic and they way you described your actions in the post and how many times you've tried to insult me (that doesnt effect me btw we get it all the time when ppl don't like our responces) I can only come to the conclusion that you're a very sensitive person thats easily upset and thats part of the issue with this gentlemen here and how things went.
Author newlife02 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 The answer to your question is yes and I disagree. I do find his methods abusive and not to be taken lightly by ANY measure. Not only am I correct in that healthy relationships require mutual respect, I am also correct in my other posts as well. My guess is that you dont like the way I said it, but that still doesn't make it wrong. Anyway, I am done with you women defending this nonsense and besides I have work tomorrow. That's whats most impt in my life right now and not some guy that wouldn't spring for a hot dog from Sonic for any one of you (and the gifts he gave me were some soap and lotion the job gave him during the office xmas party). Its the thought that counts but thats still nothing to write home about either. In closing its foolish to think you know someone just BC you work with them and I honestly can't believe those who are trying to use that logic here. Yeah he's not a complete stranger my eye. I bet you wouldn't tell a loved one that if some coworker was pressuring her to go over his house. I bet you would completely and totally see the lack of respect in it then. Anyway I never did get the examples of the wishy washy exuses or anything else I've been accused of here. I think you guys are just mad BC you thought he was showing major love. Too bad he wasn't newlife02
Omei Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 No one on this forum once told you it was a good idea to go into the man's house not even not the slightest inkling. The wishy washyness was in regards to you complaining about him disrespecting you then complaing about him when he did respect you and that you made much effort to push him away but kept him close as another poster said likely enjoyed to attention but purely under your terms, thats what they ment with wishy washy but I called it a flip flop.
LostOnes05 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 (edited) Hi newlife02, congrats on getting back on your feet!! That's a great accomplishment. Now to the meat and potatoes... 1) You are not in a relationship with this guy. He was free to attend a party, triathlon, bar mitzvah or any event he felt like attending...without your permission. And he DID NOT lie. 2) You said he called you on Saturday and Sunday BEFORE you knew he had attended the party but you didn't answer his call anyway, so why be upset that he actually did something with his weekend? 3) Sure, you shouldn't accept a first date at someone's house. It is dangerous and he should respect that. You are 100% correct there. 4) From a man's perspective, I can tell you that this reeks of being strung along. Go ahead, ask me how I know...Make my day (Dirty Harry voice haha). I've met with a few women in the recent past who displayed similar behavior. Will text you and call you when they want. When you call or text them they are unavailable. Eventually you get tired of the excuses or the avoidance mechanisms and move on. If I was in his shoes, I wouldn't think you liked me either. Currently going through the same avoidance tactics with a woman, so I'm backing off for good. She can contact me if she pleases. I have no time for games. I've learned the hard way that once I feel avoided by someone, I won't be disturbing them again. Understand that patience and being ignored are two different things. 5) I laughed out loud at the Feminazi statement "That's were women mess up explaining things...". You're right, this is where women mess up. Men haven't evolved to read minds yet. Having a chip on your shoulder that you are submitting to him doesn't help the situation. Not sure how your past relationships went, but try to relax. I'm not saying tell this guy your blood type or explain the Coriolis effect to him. What I'm saying is that sometimes an explanation yields understanding. If a woman I was interested in told me she was going through a tough time and wasn't ready to date yet but said she liked me, I would respect that. I would ask her to keep in touch and let me know if she needed anything. Communication is not submission, it provides understanding. 6) If his persistence bothers you then communicate that to him. Some women don't like it, so I can understand if that is the issue. From my experience, understanding a person's situation goes a LONG way. An explanation (albeit brief) is not a sign of weakness, being closed-off and needing to control every situation is. 7) You have denied him date after date. I understand you're reasoning and that is fine. But then you are upset when he doesn't "follow thru" with calling you on that night in particular because he went out. You absolutely can not control your life and his life when you won't let him be a part of yours. It really isn't fair. For all I know the guy could be a real sleaze bag and have boundary issues, and you might have dodged a bullet. But if not, then you really haven't given him any incentive to continue chasing you. I'm extremely patient but if I tried and tried to no avail and then the person became upset with me for going out, I'd think they lost a few marbles. And most people date online nowadays because 1) they are busy 2) rejection is easier and 3) apparently approaching anyone on the street to talk is deemed sexual harassment. This is just my honest opinion. And we all know opinions are like buttholes...everybody's got one. I rarely write this much but as guy that treats women with respect, it struck a chord with me as I've been in this situation numerous times. Usually in my case, I just end up being friends and then they date someone who doesn't care. Then all you hear is how all guys are dirtbags...wash...rinse...repeat. Then later comes the questions of why we didn't date, which I do find humorous [they often don't ]. However, I wish you the best and hope that everything turns out on a positive note for you! Edited February 10, 2015 by LostOnes05 2
TigerLilly78 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Wondering why the Op continued to attack Omei when I said the same thing? a strong women can accept when she might be wrong and not attack others just because their opinions do not match her own OP you have continually personally attacked one poster here over and over why is that? very strange indeed.. 1
TigerLilly78 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 The answer to your question is yes and I disagree. I do find his methods abusive and not to be taken lightly by ANY measure. Not only am I correct in that healthy relationships require mutual respect, I am also correct in my other posts as well. My guess is that you dont like the way I said it, but that still doesn't make it wrong. Anyway, I am done with you women defending this nonsense and besides I have work tomorrow. That's whats most impt in my life right now and not some guy that wouldn't spring for a hot dog from Sonic for any one of you (and the gifts he gave me were some soap and lotion the job gave him during the office xmas party). Its the thought that counts but thats still nothing to write home about either. In closing its foolish to think you know someone just BC you work with them and I honestly can't believe those who are trying to use that logic here. Yeah he's not a complete stranger my eye. I bet you wouldn't tell a loved one that if some coworker was pressuring her to go over his house. I bet you would completely and totally see the lack of respect in it then. Anyway I never did get the examples of the wishy washy exuses or anything else I've been accused of here. I think you guys are just mad BC you thought he was showing major love. Too bad he wasn't newlife02 Your post here doesn't make much sense imo we thought he was showing major love? why on earth do we care? you brought this to US..to discuss we didn't ask you..I think you might need some counseling OP you seam to have anger displacement issues.. So I ask this if you felt he was so abusive and you think yourself to be such a strong women why did you continue to talk to him? what were you getting out of it? why stay talking to a man who in your eyes was abusive? attention? why are you now attacking people who are simply trying to offer honest advice anger?
Keats Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 (edited) I don't think you gave him a chance. But then you make so many seemingly false accusations about him. Some people think a first date at their house is ok some think not. We shouldn't judge anyone, you should just communicate your personal preference that you find it weird. I agree with others. From what you have written, he did not lie to you at all. From what you have written his behaviour you described doesn't sound abusive either. And it is so bizarre that you would keep your life private but expect him to owe you details to his. That's unfair. Then you claimed he was lying. Then you called him abusive then say you like him. Then demand mutual respect. In short you are very confusing. Perhaps very judgemental or just so off key with your assessments of another person while dating them and in denial and dismissive about some of the very valid points others have raised. I think there is nothing wrong with going slow like you did, finding a first date weird at someone's house - there's nothing wrong with your preferences or anything you did. Except the fact that you didnt communicate with him, then labelled him as the problem and accused him of all sorts, just because he was being himself. That's a little unfair. It's like calling the air out for being too windy. That's what air does. There is something that lies within you. It is up to you to figure it out as it is making you react negatively. Maybe that guy was an idiot or maybe he was just someone that wwas really nice. No one will ever know. Edited February 10, 2015 by Keats
Omei Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Wondering why the Op continued to attack Omei when I said the same thing? a strong women can accept when she might be wrong and not attack others just because their opinions do not match her own OP you have continually personally attacked one poster here over and over why is that? very strange indeed.. Tigerlilly I think because I didn't give the response OP was expecting, had it been someone else to comment with the view I shared they probably would of been heated with them I dont particularly feel targeted. I may have been too harsh as well.
clia Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 This past Friday I told him that I could see him this coming weekend. I found a tiny apartment, got my things out of storage and am beginning to feel normal again. I still felt rushed by him so I told him that I was uncomfortable going to his house for dinner. He said he didn't understand why and because we are both in our 40's, I didn't feel an explanation was necessary. Still I went on to explain that I didn't know him well enough, etc. It's perfectly within your rights to decline to go to his house on a first date. Shortly after that, he said he had to charge his phone and that he would call me right back. I told him not to worry about it and that I would talk to him some other time. But he insisted on calling me right back. The next time I heard from him it was the next night and I didn't bother to answer the phone and he didn't bother to leave a message. He called all day Saturday and yesterday. Again I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. I got to work today and another guy mentioned a party he gave on Friday night which the guy attended. I was floored and felt lied to. I feel he could've said he was going out instead of lieing about charging his phone. We were not exclusive and I would not have wanted to go because I didnt want other coworkers to know we were seeing each other. I'm looking for where he lied to you. Having to charge his phone had nothing to do with whether he went to the party or decided to go to the party after he finished talking to you. He could've both had to charge his phone and decided to go to the party once it was done charging. The two are not mutually exclusive events. And maybe someone called while he was charging the phone, after he hung up with you, and invited him to the party, so he decided to go. He's obviously interested in you and has been actively pursuing you. I don't understand at all what the big deal is here. He doesn't owe you anything, and he was under no obligation to tell you about his plans that night, anyway. You told him not to worry about calling you back, so he ultimately decided not to bother. But then he called you the next day. I saw him while leaving work today and he said hello to me but I said nothing to him. I feel disgusted that I spent so much time communicating with someone who would lie like that. Am I wrong for feeling this way? As I said above, I think you are vastly overreacting. I don't see where he lied to you. He has not bothered to call today and I am unsure if he will try to speak to me again at work. Gee, I wonder why he hasn't tried to call after you ignored his calls all weekend. You really do not seem to have any interest in dating him, so I don't understand why you have continued to lead him on. If you talk to him again, you could do the nice thing and simply tell him that you aren't interested so he can stop wasting his time.
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 So let me get this straight: OP, c'mon over to my house No, I don't do that. Oh, well, I've got to charge my phone... I'll call you right back No, don't bother. I'll talk to you some other time I don't mind, I really want to talk to you. I'll call you back. Yeah, sure, whatever. Bye. Dude! Want to go to a party? Well, I'm supposed to call that girl from work back. The one you've been working for the past 3 months? Yeah. **** her! You're never going to get her. When's the last time you talked to her? Just a few minutes ago. I'm charging up the phone. What did she say? She said she wouldn't come over, then when I said I had to charge my phone and call her back, she told me not to bother. Yeah? Well guess what? What? She's not interested. C'mon, let's go to the party, maybe you can find a girl who actually seems interested in you. You're right, let's go. And OP is mad? So, obviously, I made the whole thing with his friend up, but still, whether he was talking to a pal or himself, that had to be the tenor of the conversation. Don't waste this guy's time, OP. If you have to cling to the idea that he lied to you, go ahead and do that. Just don't spread it around because as you can see from most of the replies, your story will not be well received. 1
preraph Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 NewLife, I think you handled the situation as well as possible. I'm sorry you went through that bad time. I realize it's not easy to think about romance when you're thinking about survival. Honestly, this guy may have gotten tired of waiting, or he may have just been a player. Really good players do all the schmoozing and gifts and acting gentlemanly to get laid. For whatever reason, he decided he'd rather go to that work party alone and see what kind of good time he would find there. Pressure is never a good sign, whether it's demanding type pressure like his or whining pressure like a girl sending 9 texts whining about why the guy isn't returning her texts. It's never wrong to keep your boundaries intact. In the end, it's a very good chance he was just trying to get laid anyway. I believe if it was more than that, he'd have behaved a bit differently. This is what dating is for, not sleeping with someone and then counting the number of times they text you in a day. It's to be around them long enough to see if they can keep up the good behavior or if you start seeing it break down.
Diezel Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Are you sure you are both in your 40's? Because the actions don't seem like that. I think you are using the phone charging scenario as a reason to not go out with him. It's your "out". 2
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