newlife02 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 A guy on a temp assignment flirted with me for months before I agreed to go out with him. I've never dated a coworker before and was/still am very reluctant to do so. He gave me gifts, helped me around the job and presented himself to be quite the gentleman. I finally gave him my phone number and spent several weeks talking to him on the phone. After I gave him my number, he began to pressure me to see him outside of work. To be honest, I was homeless at the time and now that the job has gone permanent (Thank God) I have been taking my time getting back on my feet. I was not ready to date anyone until I felt I had myself 100% together and that included locating suitable housing, focusing on rebuilding my bank account, etc. He never knew I was homeless. All I told him was that I needed time and to be patient. He agreed to do so but then began to apply some serious pressure. Every conversation after that was "Bae when am I going to see you" and "its been a few weeks now, I want to see you." It began to feel less about what I needed (which was to ease back into dating when I felt comfortable doing so), and more about what he wanted (which was for me to go over his house for dinner). He also began to call me all the time. We work different shifts and he would call me on his breaks, during lunch and as soon as he got off work. He would call when I was at work and before he went to bed every night. The conversations went from talking about other things to him constantly asking when he was going to see me. This past Friday I told him that I could see him this coming weekend. I found a tiny apartment, got my things out of storage and am beginning to feel normal again. I still felt rushed by him so I told him that I was uncomfortable going to his house for dinner. He said he didn't understand why and because we are both in our 40's, I didn't feel an explanation was necessary. Still I went on to explain that I didn't know him well enough, etc. Shortly after that, he said he had to charge his phone and that he would call me right back. I told him not to worry about it and that I would talk to him some other time. But he insisted on calling me right back. The next time I heard from him it was the next night and I didn't bother to answer the phone and he didn't bother to leave a message. He called all day Saturday and yesterday. Again I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. I got to work today and another guy mentioned a party he gave on Friday night which the guy attended. I was floored and felt lied to. I feel he could've said he was going out instead of lieing about charging his phone. We were not exclusive and I would not have wanted to go because I didnt want other coworkers to know we were seeing each other. I saw him while leaving work today and he said hello to me but I said nothing to him. I feel disgusted that I spent so much time communicating with someone who would lie like that. Am I wrong for feeling this way? He has not bothered to call today and I am unsure if he will try to speak to me again at work. If he does, then he will still get radio silence as I have absolutely nothing to say to him at all. I don't want to boost his ego by letting him know that I am upset, but I really have nothing to say to someone like that. How would you guys handle this? I apologize for such a long story but would really appreciate some feedback.
Omei Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 (edited) You handled the entire thing poorly. You gave the dude nothing to work with he clearly liked you but you constantly pushed him away when you keep doing that yes I think an explanation is in order esp when you're dating the guy. he said he would call you back but you told him not too and that you would speak to him at another time he didn't lie to you about anything but merely took you for your words, you were shafting him left and right why not just go out? You certainly were not interested in speaking to him. To be honest you've wasted so much of his time. He's dodged the bullet not you, you're unwilling to communicate anything about meeting up while he kept trying you would rather ignore him than anything else I don't blame him for no longer making an effort you're unreasonable then after expressing no interest in speaking or spending time with him he gos out to a party and why shouldn't he? You even say you would have no interest in attending anyway are you really in your 40's? I don't think you're going to have to worry about him speaking to you again you're cold as ice and he learned everything he needed to know. Edited February 10, 2015 by Omei 3
Author newlife02 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Hi Omei, I appreciate you responding yet I feel differently. It is not unreasonable to want to take things slowly and that includes not running over to some guy's house on a first date. I was also uncomfortable with my requests for time being ignored. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to take my time. However, there is something wrong with someone ignoring those requests. Lastly, he insisted on calling me back. I did not insist that he did not. He failed to follow thru and lost interest when I chose not to be a cakewalk. He can find another girl that will bend to bend to his whims. Again, I appreciate you responding. But your tone and anger sounds misdirected to me. Perhaps, you would have jumped to his tune. But I chose to take my time and will wait for someone who respects that. Thanks again.
Omei Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I agree there is nothing wrong with those requests but when you're dating someone and everytime they ask to hang out and you wont even offer a little communication as to why they are going to start to think you're hiding something. You told him not to return the call and that you would talk to him later he took you for your words, thats not him lying you're not exclusive he need not tell you if hes attending a party. You're so flip flop upset because he pushes to spend time with you but doesn't respect your wish and when he does respect your wishes you're upset with that. There's no winning for this guy. Look if you want to play mind games fine but don't expect men to stay.
Author newlife02 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 I see you edited your post to spew more anger. Why are you so angry??Who hurt you so badly?? I am not the one you are angry with nor I do not take it personally. And for the record, he has called again yet still left no message. If he something to say, then he will say it. Otherwise, he can go play by himself or with someone else who will allow it. Clearly there are plenty of "girls" who will allow this; however, I am not one of them. Again, thank you for response and enjoy your evening.
Omei Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 (edited) I am not taking anger out on you or am pushing feelings of another matter onto you. You treated this man poorly im in shock you feel that hes wronged you in some form and you're going to find the majority of the posters are going to have the same outlook. You also plan to be further act like he doesnt exist should he speak to you again for wrong doings you've managed to conjour, if I come off rough its because I honestly pity this guy. Im shocked hes still calling no doubt in wonderment why hes getting the cold shoulder because he can't possibly have any clue. All my posts are edited on this forum, I usually visit from cell phone and fat finger posts. Edited February 10, 2015 by Omei
Author newlife02 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Sorry Omei, but you don't speak for the majority. And if you feel so sorry for him, then you can have him ... I'm quite sure any guy would appreciate you running over to their houses for a cheap first date. Good Night Hun
Author newlife02 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 And no need to wonder why he's still calling ... it's called boundary busting behavior darlin. No great mystery there ... 1
Omei Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Im not speaking for the majority not at all but as a long time member im certain people hearing the story of a guy being punished over something you told him not to do and he obliged they're going to be just as logical as I am. I would have him he sounds like a nice guy making honest attempts to be with someone he has an interest in send him my way. He very well may have a boundary issue or he may be desperate to find out what hes done so wrong who knows? Im sorry that you find my comments so harsh but im being real with you, you created a situation that didnt need to be created ill leave ya be.
Author newlife02 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 You can be certain of nothing and I am being just as real with you when I say that going over to some guy's house that you dont even know is D-A-N-G-E-R-O-U-S no matter how nice he seems or how hard he pushes you to do it. My God no wonder some women turn up dead after meeting up with guys they don't even know. You are willing to take this guy and you don't even know him. Yes please leave me be as you are something scary.
Omei Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I never expected you to go over to a man's house you hardly know nor would I, I agree thats dangerous but your post was mostly about how he had lied to you and the outcome and what you planned to do and asked insight on it, him inviting you to dinner was a small mention within your post im sure had you asked to meet elsewhere he would of gladly accepted. I never gave any response about that matter, talked about it or mentioned it but talked about the phone problem and the fact you thought he was lying you trying to turn the conversation we had into a different one to shed negative light on me because you didnt like my original response about the call tells me im not as scary as you are.
contact1 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Why exactly are you mad at him for going to a party and not telling you? You haven't even gone out with this guy, he doesn't owe you any kind of explanation nor does he have to tell you what he is doing. And on top of that, he offered to call you back but told him not to. Reality check, his life doesn't revolve around you, but somehow you have the impression that it does and he has to check in with you and let you know what he is doing, but yet you get to not say anything about your situation. If anything, all you did was just waste this guys time by giving bs, wishy-washy excuses as to why you can't see him, when you could have easily ended it by being direct. Maybe you thought you were being nice, but all you really did was just string him along, and somehow now he's the bad guy for going to a party and "not telling you". He didn't lie, he just didn't tell you about it. I can easily have my phone charging while I go to a party or out somewhere. 4
Yookie Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I see where you're coming from about him lying for no reason. I hate when people can't be straight up. If he had NO intention of calling back then he should NOT have insisted that he would PERIOD. So now you know he is the type of guy who can lie about anything.. even small unnecessary lies. On the other hand, in your situation it probably would have been a better idea to not keep leading him on if you were not ready to date. You should have just said that your circumstance were not conducive to dating and left it at that. From his point of view it probably seems like you were playing games with him and this is why his is not taking you seriously right now. At any rate, I think it's a good idea to move on. 1
Yookie Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Oh by the way, if his idea for a first date was for you to come to his house to "cook you dinner" then I would have dumped him for that reason alone! LOL
Author newlife02 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 "He agreed to do so but then began to apply some serious pressure." That is what I wrote and that is what my post was about ... being pressured to do something that you do not want to do. You took what you wanted from my post and tried to run with it. That was your mistake, not mine. I previously mentioned plenty of guys being appreciative of the fact that you would have gone to their houses for a cheap first date. You failed to disagree then because you were to busy feeling sorry for and begging me to send you this guy that again YOU-DO-NOT-KNOW!! Get off this thread Omei. You cannot win this and your desperation for a man is showing big time.
Omei Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 The part of this post I dont understand and that doesnt add up is that this man isnt a complete stranger you stated you worked and flirted together for months before finally agreeing to go out you willingly gave him your number when you accepted the date, naturally hes going to want to plan the outing to see you outside of work at some point for that date, he asked you to dinner at his place and that made you uncomfortable was that expressed? Was an alternative date suggested? Why did you agree to go out with him when you actually wont you said you spent weeks speaking together on the phone were all options taxed ? Was he refusing alternative ways to meet up?
Author newlife02 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Hi contact and Yookie, no our lives didn't revolve each other and I am not upset about him going to a party. I'm upset because he lied to me. Like everything else, he was pushy in what he wanted and that included him being pushy enough to say he would call me back. I said no, he says yes yes, then doesn't follow thru yet expects me to still go on as if nothing happened. No, something did happen and that's enough of him being so pushy too. As far as be wishy washy bs excuses and leading him on ... where in the world did you guys read that at?? Name the wishy washy excuses that I gave here?? If a woman asks for time then that request should be respected and not bulldozed over by some guy with no plans to take you anywhere but onto his couch. Is that what you would submit yourselves too?? Do you even call that dating??
Omei Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 (edited) You took what you wanted from my post and tried to run with it. That was your mistake, not mine. I previously mentioned plenty of guys being appreciative of the fact that you would have gone to their houses for a cheap first date. You failed to disagree then because you were to busy feeling sorry for and begging me to send you this guy that again YOU-DO-NOT-KNOW!! Get off this thread Omei. You cannot win this and your desperation for a man is showing big time. I just talked about the call because that was what the post was primarily about, but ive asked questions about the area you wish to discuss. Often people come to the forums and get upset when they receive responces they were not expecting to hear you're going to get many different perspectives being rude to the ones you dont favor and going as far to insult them isnt going to help anything there's nothing to win on here. Edited February 10, 2015 by Omei 1
Author newlife02 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 That's better Omei. I don't mind asking and answering questions so long as youre not raging at me. I want to talk this out with someone willing to take the time to talk with me. Thats why I came here ... anyway, yes we worked together but that does not mean I knew him. I knew what he showed me, his boss and other coworkers. The fact that I was uncomfortable coming to his house was expressed several times but I believed that he could charm me into by stating he felt that I needed pampering. My alternative was bowling ... I wanted to get out and have fun. I told him that Friday when I nailed the date down. I heard a change in his tone and then he got off the phone. Hold on while I type out the answers to ur other questions. I'm on my phone and its slow going.
Author newlife02 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 you're cold as ice and he learned everything he needed to know. Omei these were your first words to me which were extremely rude. Again I don't mind conversating but you were very angry and rude first.
Author newlife02 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Tried to edit the above post to state that I believed he thought that he could charm me into it by stating that I needed pampering. Anyway we spent about 2 weeks on the phone and the pressure started from day one. Like typical abusers it got steadily worse until he realized he wasnt going to get what he wanted and then he blew me off. That is what i feel happened. Now am I saying that this guy was an abuser? No ... but his methods were definity abusive and I do question exactly what were his other relationships like. Did he know how to take no for an answer? Did he respect his ladies' boundaries?. Healthy relationship require respecting each other's boundaries. I wonder has he ever had a healthy relationship bc this felt very unhealthy to me. Why call someone like that when he knows I'm working and need this job. Its not like he didn't k ow what shift I was on.
Omei Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 you're cold as ice and he learned everything he needed to know. Omei these were your first words to me which were extremely rude. Again I don't mind conversating but you were very angry and rude first. One of the best things about this forum is how up front and forward of responses you're going to get trust me when I say there are def some harsher people floating around on here, I said you were as cold as ice because you agreed to date a man but strung him along and then found something to pin him for, what you call a lie I guess ...you asked him not to call he didn't so you got what you wanted, and he doesn't need to tell you about a party. If he was making you uncomfortable all this time why did you keep up the contact? Its true he may of thought he could charm you to coming over to dinner, but eventually agreed on another date had the phone problem not occurred you never know what could of happened the transition from how you think of him at work to outside of it clearly has changed so tell him you're not a match. 1
TigerLilly78 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 (edited) OP from your opening post you were indeed some what cold to this guy I think you will find many who have been on LS for a good while will not sugar coat and dance around wording as not to offend when the situation is clear they will say so I myself am like this. That said this guy didn't sound like a total stranger so its odd that you would act as if he was some random man you met out in public or something he was a co worker who you had spent a good time conversing with how that equates to a "dangerous situation" is beyond me and believe me im on the conservative side when it comes to dating and such things.. I think you strung him along a bit and then pulled back when he wanted to take things to the next level. Thats fine and your prerogative to do so no one can or should force you into anything your not ready for. But knowing your not really ready you shouldn't have continued to talk to him like you did. Its no wonder he grew tired of it and took your advice when you said not to call back he didn't. So were he went or what he did past that was his business as you made it clear he wasn't to call you back he did nothing wrong in my opinion as he did what you asked. Why some women say one thing but then want men to do another is beyond me.. Edited February 10, 2015 by TigerLilly78 2
TigerLilly78 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Tried to edit the above post to state that I believed he thought that he could charm me into it by stating that I needed pampering. Anyway we spent about 2 weeks on the phone and the pressure started from day one. Like typical abusers it got steadily worse until he realized he wasnt going to get what he wanted and then he blew me off. That is what i feel happened. Now am I saying that this guy was an abuser? No ... but his methods were definity abusive and I do question exactly what were his other relationships like. Did he know how to take no for an answer? Did he respect his ladies' boundaries?. Healthy relationship require respecting each other's boundaries. I wonder has he ever had a healthy relationship bc this felt very unhealthy to me. Why call someone like that when he knows I'm working and need this job. Its not like he didn't k ow what shift I was on. Question OP have you ever been in a genuinely abusive relashionship? I have a very bad one that lasted years so im extremely familiar with how abusers work and from what your saying this just doesn't sound like that unless there are things he said and did that you are leaving out? but just to try and ask your romantic interest if she will see you is not really abusive behavior. As Omei said if he was making you feel that uncomfortable why on earth did you continue any contact? I think and I could be wrong here but my guess is cause it made you feel good for the attention but you only wanted that attention on your terms. You are correct in the fact that healthy relationships require a mutual respect that means give and take not take and take.. So really if anything him going to that party was fine and I think you need to respect that as him being well with in his boundary's not to tell you as per how the relashionship was clearly not progressing to that point...
Author newlife02 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Wow Omei I'm going to say this and then I'm going to bed (im tired of talking in circles with you). I had a friend like you once ... so quick to defend a man. Eventually her husband left her for a woman with a bit more backbone. Now she's picking up guys on the internet and making excuses for them too. Eventually I had to let her go because she reeked of desperation ... last I heard no one else but the loosers from the internet will deal with her either. Anyway if I didn't like this guy then I wouldn't have wasted MY time talking to him. I did not string him along BC guess what ... I don't have to ... if I don't like you then I will simply tell you to get the hell out of my face as surely as i told you to get the hell off this thread. Lastly and again I liked this guy. That's why I put up with his pressure for two weeks. He cut and ran when the pressure was turned on him though ... I don't do couch dates with guys that I don't know and he was either gonna have to s**t or get off the pot. He chose to get off the pot in such a sneaky lil way that some basic girl wouldve fell for it. Im not falling for that BS though. I don't waste MY time when I do decide to date and know how to clearly and decisively separate the men from the boys with no qualms about it. In closing, I don't HAVE to tell him anything. That's where women mess up explaining things to some grown man while he pretends not to know whats going on. Only weak women do that. He spoke thru his actions and now I am speaking thru mine. Case Closed. Good night.
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