Must See GF at School Daily. Prevents Me from Moving on. NC Isn't Possible. Help!

[jazzman]

So it's been about 2 months from being dumped from my gf of almost 2 years. Yes I still think of her daily, and yes I still have that ache in chest when I think about her. Unfortunately I must see this girl everyday at school for the rest of this year. It also really hurts that she's found someone so quick (a week later) after she dumped me. That really stings the most because after the love we had for so long, she is able to find someone so quickly and forget about me. I'm assuming this was a rebound to help deal with the breakup. Oh and she's 18 and I'm 21 and we're both in college.

 

Well again what I need help with is how to deal with seeing her daily in school since she is in my classes. For the first weeks after the break up I was like her lost puppy and still followed her around school and carried her bags. I'd also walk her to her car and hug her and hold her. After a few weeks I wondered what was going on, because this should be bothering her if she's in a relationship with someone else. Because I know her new bf would definitely get jealous of me spending time with her and still being somewhat physcial with her. This also would drag on my pain because everyday I'd be strung along wondering, wow!, she still loves me so maybe there's a chance.

 

Eventually I figured this was killing me so currently as of the last 4 weeks I've avoided looking at her and talking to her. I also avoid showing any emotions so that she won't know that I'm still hurting inside. I still find this to be very, very difficult, as I occasionally have my week moments, and almost run and hug her. It's so hard for me to not talk to and care for someone which I have been with for almost 2 years. Sure of course she suggested being friends, but I can't handle doing that knowing some other guy has taken my place.

 

 

You may me wondering why we broke up and basically it comes down to her not communicating her feelings to me. She would avoid telling me and bottle everything up so she wouldn't hurt my feelings. This I find to be really stupid, but to her this was acceptable. Eventually even though she loved me she chose to run away instead of deal with this issue. I assume it's due to her immaturity being only 18. I have tried working this out with her and of course failed. I feel that this is something she has to learn the hard way again in her current and possibly future relationships which I assume will fail for the same reason. Besides this problem we were totally compatible which is why I am so confused on how to treat her. I know her well and and I know she is doing her best at hiding her feelings which she is really good at. But i know deep down she misses me and would love me to hug her. I also know that right now she wouldn't return to me because right now she would rather run from a problem instead of dealing with it. Oh and her words for dumping me were "I just can't date you right now." Leaving me sorta hangig, wondering if not now later? As you can see having her in my sight daily is preventing my grieving process from fully finishing because everyday I see her it takes me a few steps back from any progress I made. Again I know that dating her right now would only set myself up for more pain untill she learns how to communicate her feelings instead of me assuming what she's feeling.

 

Here are some options I considered and was hoping you could give me some advice.

 

Do I be her friend even though she has a current "Mr. rebound"

 

Or do I completely ignore her like I have been lately as to let her really realize what she has lost.

 

Or maybe there's other options. I would really like the input as I'm suffering.

 

Oh and boy is her bf a nerd!

[BrotherAaron]

I'm in the same boat man.

 

I'm 20, she's 18, we're both going to school. She dumped me about a month ago, maybe a little longer.

 

She strung me along for a couple of weeks. I would go longboarding with her, and we would hold hands, and we would get lunch, and we would cuddle. I thought we were working things out. I don't know what the hell she thought.

 

We broke up because she cheated on me, made out for hours and spent the night (no sex, yet) with this guy who I thought was my friend. I don't know why I even thought, at this point, that there would be any point to working things out. She said she was confused, didn't know what she wanted, needed to be single, etc.

 

Not only do we go to school together, but we live in the same dorms together. Her room is right across the courtyard from mine. His is just down the hall. I see them together all of the time. I see her go into his room at night, and come out in the morning. I see this even when I'm trying not to pay attention. This is my reward, after three years of loving her.

 

You may think she left you hanging, but it sounds clear to me. She's not coming back, and she doesn't plan to. The worst thing you can do is anything that you think will make her want to come back. Statiscally speaking, it's not going to happen. Nothing is worse than sitting around waiting for the return of somebody who isn't coming back.

 

You say that you know she misses you, but how are you so sure? My ex called me, crying, saying she misses me - and I told her she was wasting her time. Why? Because you can miss somebody all of a sudden, and go back to not caring. Trust me, I miss her... sometimes. Other times, I could care less. Right now, I hope she gets pregnant and has to move into a trailer park. The point is, don't take it for granted that she's going to want you back. You're much better off assuming that she doesn't so that you can finally escape for her emotional strangelhold she's got on you.

 

Forget the rules of NC. You're in a unique situation. Here's what you need to do. Treat her like you do anyone else that you don't know very well. There are plenty of people in your classes that you don't know. Treat her like one of them.

 

If you see her, fine, flash a quick smile, and keep going. Make friends with some of the guys in your classes that you have with her, and sit with them. Let her see you laughing, smiling, and having a good time. If she wants to stop and chat, you're too busy. Tell her you've got somewhere to be, and go. Don't tell her anything about yourself, what you've been up to, or how you feel. Just keep a smile, even if you have to fake it, and get on with your day. You'll be floored after the encounter, but don't let her seeing you deal with it. All she needs to know is that you're doing fine.

 

Meanwhile, do something worth your time. Join some clubs on campus, or start a band if your into music, or go play a sport you like, or find a club to go to at nights. Whatever your into, do it. You'll meet people there that you never knew existed. Before you know it, you'll be too busy to sit around missing her.

 

Make friends. You don't need aquaintences. If you too had mutual friends, and they're still her friends (or, worse, her new BF's friends, as in my case), then you need to write them off. Remember - not everyone is deserving of your time. You have plenty to offer, so why waste it on people who aren't going to be behind you 100%. Your friends should all think that she's a bitch and that you're better off without her, even if/when you don't. That's what friends are for - they can see what's wrong with your ex without getting all emotional about it. They know your better off.

 

When you think of something that you feel she should know - you're wrong. She shouldn't. There's nothing for you to say that she needs to hear. All she needs to know is that you're not around anymore, and you seem to be doing fine without her. This won't make her want you back - but, if she was going to want you back, this would be the only thing that woudn't drive her away. That's not what's important though. You having fun, having friends, and having a life will take away her power to hurt you and keep you dangling from the end of a rope. There is more to life than this girl - way more.

 

Should you still be friends with her? No way. You shouldn't even talk to her. Smile and wave, then keep going. Don't sit next to her. Don't write her notes. Don't send her emails. Don't leave her messages. Don't tell people to tell her things. Don't ask her friends about her. There is nothing that you need to tell her. Actions speak louder than words, and every attempt to contact her says one thing: "I'm devastated. I think about you constantly. I want you back." When she knows you want her back, you lose. Treat her like a stranger - you don't need her. You don't need her to know what you're up to. You don't need to know what she's up to. Just leave it alone. It's over.

 

If you're really strong - she won't even see you looking at her in classes. Sit in front of her, and don't turn around so you don't see her. Don't stare in her direction. Don't painfully avoid looking at her either. This is the hardest thing to do, because your eyes will betray you. We bare our souls through our eyes.

 

As for this other guy... what can I say. My girl has a new guy too. And - I laugh every time I think this - he's a nerd, too:lmao:! She's the first girl anybody's seen him with all year. Ahaha he doesn't know what he's getting himself into. I hope he dies. Anyway, as for girls getting new BF's, I don't know why they do it, but it can't be healthy. She obviously lacks the ability to be single, so she must not be ok with herself. Anybody coming out of a relationship needs time to find themselves. She's stupid for rushing into something. Let her pretend like it's something real. She's building a house of cards on an unstable surface and it's going to come crashing down. Then, while you're out there feeling better, she'll be dealing with another breakup.

 

What I do, whenever I get the urge to call her, to write her, or talk to her, etc., I call one of my friends instead. Or my parents. Or my sister. Or anybody in the world except her, because she's the least deserving of my attention. Your friends and family will really appreciate all the attention you're giving them.

 

You can also come to loveshack and just post a little rant. We'll read it, and respond. That's what we're here for.

 

Every time you talk to her, you'll feel like tearing your heart out of your chest. You'll probably end up calling somebody anyway, and, instead of just being glad to hear from them, you'll feel the need to go on and on and on about how much she hurt you. I know everyone is glad to help, but I'd imagine my friends are sick of hearing about my ex. You're better off just calling them instead of calling her, and saving everybody the pain.

 

The only one that will hurt when you don't give your ex any attention is exactly the one person who should - your ex. But, it was her decision to dump you, right? Let her deal with the consequences of her decisions. Hopefully, for her sake, she really didn't need you around, because you're not going to be there for her. Right?

 

Never let her see you having a bad day. If you are, go put yourself in the middle of something fast paced, like a dance club, or a party, or whatever the hell you want. You're supposed to be having fun - your 21, and in college. There's a million and one things for you to do. Go enjoy yourself! I'm sure there were lots of things that you always wanted to do, but couldn't because you were tied down with her. Maybe there were girls you thought you might have liked to meet, but didn't. If there's something you want to do, go do it, and make sure you have fun.

 

There's no point in sitting around thinking about her and wasting away. It's going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, to move on, but... when you have, you'll be happier than you ever were before. Just keep your head up, and remember that she's not a part of your life. She doesn't deserve to be. Love and companionship have to be earned through loyalty and trustworthiness. Don't give her your heart for anything less than full comittal. At this point, you should make up your mind to never take her back. Then, if she wants you back, she'll have to earn it and change your mind.

 

Sometimes you might feel like you wish you two could run away together and forget about everything that has happened in the last few months. Well, forget whatever tenderness you still have for her. She no longer has the capacity to make you happy. Honestly... even if she came back to you, what would it be like, after all of this? You wouldn't forget the way she made you feel. You wouldn't forget about the guy she saw for a while. You wouldn't be happy. There's no way you can have a healthy relationship with this girl until you can have a healthy life without this girl. If you're not happy alone, you won't be happy with her. The joy of getting her back will would wear off, and all you'll have left is all the bitter feelings about being dumped to begin with.

 

Besides, if your school is on a normal schedule, school will be out before too long. If you can last until the summer, you probably can get away with going 3 months without seeing her.

 

Good luck, man. Just remember - things get better, not worse. When you're wondering where you're gonna go next, luck up, not back. Set some goals - real lofty ones, too. Set some short term, some long term. Then work as hard as you need to in order to achieve them. Most of all, you need to live as if she never was a part of your life. This is an awesome chance for you to accomplish everything you've always wanted to accomplish.

 

Sorry for the 100 page rant... it's just that I'm going through the same crap, so I had a lot to say. If only I could follow my own advice, I'd be doing a lot better.

[simon_uk]

Excellent post Aaron! Everything you said is just perfect!

 

Good On You man you sound like you are doing great! Nice to see!

 

Simon