justanyordinarylady Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I been seeing a new guy for almost the past 2 weeks and we only been on 2 dates and I'm seeing him again soon. He doesn't like going out because he's shy but it appears he does fine when we went out. I'm kinda the opposite. I'm not very shy and I like a guy to take me out but I know it doesn't have to be all the time because I like to stay in to. I really don't want to come over his place so soon and I'm not sure what to do. Any advice?
lovexocoach Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Make suggestions to him about things that you can do on a date together. Or tell him what you'd like to do. See how he responds. I'm curious - how do you know he doesn't like going out because he's shy? 1
Author justanyordinarylady Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Make suggestions to him about things that you can do on a date together. Or tell him what you'd like to do. See how he responds. I'm curious - how do you know he doesn't like going out because he's shy? He told me that.
Vintage79 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 If he asks you to his place and you're not comfortable, don't go and suggest something else. If he really wants to get to know you, he should just be wanting to spend time with you. If you need to go out a lot more than he'd ever be comfortable with - it's a sign that it may not be a good match...you've only been out with him twice...that's not much of an investment. 2
Versacehottie Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 There are "quiet" things you can do that are still "out" that will probably satisfy you both. At least in the short term. Make sure he is not using this as a cop-out to be lazy or cheap or move too fast with you. Long term though you may find this a losing battle. Some of the worst relationships I know are this situation. 3
contact1 Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Maybe they don't like big social type things, like loud crowded eating places. But there are lots of things you can do that are more quiet and easier on shy people, like going for a hike up a trail if you have such a thing in your area. You could go to an art or history museum, those are very calming and easy for most people to do, and you could learn something on the way 1
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Until his death my grandmother complained all the time that my grandfather didn't like to go out. Because they married at a time when divorce wasn't really an option, she made due by always having company in to their house but she was very bitter about it. Perhaps you can allow your new guy to have more positive experiences while out so that it's less stressful for him to do so. You are going to have to go slow with him to allow him to gain more confidence 2
Author justanyordinarylady Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Maybe they don't like big social type things, like loud crowded eating places. But there are lots of things you can do that are more quiet and easier on shy people, like going for a hike up a trail if you have such a thing in your area. You could go to an art or history museum, those are very calming and easy for most people to do, and you could learn something on the way These are awesome ideas. I couldn't think of anything to stay indoors in keep warm. Its cold right now where we at
Author justanyordinarylady Posted February 10, 2015 Author Posted February 10, 2015 Until his death my grandmother complained all the time that my grandfather didn't like to go out. Because they married at a time when divorce wasn't really an option, she made due by always having company in to their house but she was very bitter about it. Perhaps you can allow your new guy to have more positive experiences while out so that it's less stressful for him to do so. You are going to have to go slow with him to allow him to gain more confidence Yeah I'm trying to do that. He's is not used to going out.
MissBee Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I been seeing a new guy for almost the past 2 weeks and we only been on 2 dates and I'm seeing him again soon. He doesn't like going out because he's shy but it appears he does fine when we went out. I'm kinda the opposite. I'm not very shy and I like a guy to take me out but I know it doesn't have to be all the time because I like to stay in to. I really don't want to come over his place so soon and I'm not sure what to do. Any advice? I understand shy but unless you're going to parties or hanging out with other people, what does shy have to do with him going out on a date just the two of you? Unless of course he suffers from agoraphobia. In the beginning stages of dating you should be going out, it doesn't have to be expensive, just being on neutral ground doing things with this person and getting to know them. This is normal. When you are much more comfortable and established then sure, staying in is acceptable, but even then, when I'm in relationships, while we stay in a lot more, I like to do and experience life (and I cannot do this from my couch) so I need to be with a man who feels the same and wants to go out into the world and do different things together. You have to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. For me it would be and if early on I find out a guy would rather stay home all the time than going out sometimes, then I wouldn't be with him. 1
bathtub-row Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 Its very possible that he has no social skills, which is not a good sign. I think you're already having to spend too much time accommodating him and a situation that, in the long-term, is never going to work out for you. 4
Gaeta Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 When started dating a few years ago I dated this really nice and shy man for a couple of months. Our first date was in a driving-theater because he could not deal with crowd of movie theater. He suffered from social anxiety. At first I thought I could deal with it because he was SO nice, kind, fun and so endearing. After a couple of months I could not deal with it anymore. Summer was here and he would not go shop, he would not go on terraces, no beach, no attending bbq with me, no festivals, no concerts. He was ok at each others place or in an isolated corner in a park, an empty museum etc. If you are someone social, someone that wants to enjoy everything that life has to offer, this is not the man for you. 2
mightycpa Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 So what does he like to do when he's not out? Is he a TV watcher? Movies? Board games? Chef? Musician? You have to do something to get to know each other, no matter where you do it. 1
Mr.D.E.B.T. Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 I hope he isn't covering up some financial problems. Do you have any mutual friends? Maybe you can get together at a mutual friends house. These friends might also encourage him to be more comfortable with going out. 1
preraph Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 It's in his best interests to be pushed out of it. Being like that is not good for anything including career. I have a friend whose late husband didn't ever want to go do things, and she always does and she got very tired of it. It's no way to live if you're not that way, too. I mean, what does he even have to talk about?? Just since being on this board, I'm very concerned about the growing number of mainly gamer guys who won't leave the house and yet expect to somehow find a woman who will be willing to just be available at their home when they want sex. It's certainly not for me. I want a guy who is creating and interesting in things and has something to talk about besides a game score. 2
kendahke Posted February 10, 2015 Posted February 10, 2015 He's not Hikikomori or agoraphobic is he? Hikikomori, a word when translated means “withdrawal”. If true, that means about 1 percent of the population lives their lives alone, in their rooms. These people are typically male (about 80%) and in their early teens to late 20’s, living their lives unemployed, unskilled, passing their days web-surfing, TV watching and reading. goraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. With agoraphobia, you fear an actual or anticipated situation, such as using public transportation, being in open or enclosed spaces, standing in line or being in a crowd. The anxiety is caused by fear that there's no easy way to escape or seek help if intense anxiety develops. Most people who have agoraphobia develop it after having one or more panic attacks, causing them to fear another attack and avoid the place where it occurred. People with agoraphobia often have a hard time feeling safe in any public place, especially where crowds gather.
Author justanyordinarylady Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 I understand shy but unless you're going to parties or hanging out with other people, what does shy have to do with him going out on a date just the two of you? Unless of course he suffers from agoraphobia. In the beginning stages of dating you should be going out, it doesn't have to be expensive, just being on neutral ground doing things with this person and getting to know them. This is normal. When you are much more comfortable and established then sure, staying in is acceptable, but even then, when I'm in relationships, while we stay in a lot more, I like to do and experience life (and I cannot do this from my couch) so I need to be with a man who feels the same and wants to go out into the world and do different things together. You have to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not. For me it would be and if early on I find out a guy would rather stay home all the time than going out sometimes, then I wouldn't be with him. He's not really used to going out he says. I'm not sure whether it has to do with him being shy or just not liking to go out. I don't think think he's that shy. I'm trying not to read too much into it.
Author justanyordinarylady Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 Its very possible that he has no social skills, which is not a good sign. I think you're already having to spend too much time accommodating him and a situation that, in the long-term, is never going to work out for you. We have been doing what I want so far. I want to be considerate of his feelings, I'm not the type of person that's one sided.
Author justanyordinarylady Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 I hope he isn't covering up some financial problems. Do you have any mutual friends? Maybe you can get together at a mutual friends house. These friends might also encourage him to be more comfortable with going out. What is kinda puzzling is that he invited to a party but I couldn't go and he want us to go to parties as a couple. He also wants to meet my friends so I don't think he'll have a problem going to one of my friend's house. We don't have any mutual friends.
Author justanyordinarylady Posted February 11, 2015 Author Posted February 11, 2015 It's in his best interests to be pushed out of it. Being like that is not good for anything including career. I have a friend whose late husband didn't ever want to go do things, and she always does and she got very tired of it. It's no way to live if you're not that way, too. I mean, what does he even have to talk about?? Just since being on this board, I'm very concerned about the growing number of mainly gamer guys who won't leave the house and yet expect to somehow find a woman who will be willing to just be available at their home when they want sex. It's certainly not for me. I want a guy who is creating and interesting in things and has something to talk about besides a game score. I'm trying to get him out of it. I even told him. It could be he has anxiety disorder maybe at some point I'll know.
rester Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 Do you know what "going out" means to him? Sometimes people don't like bars or clubs but enjoy other things. 1
MissBee Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 He's not really used to going out he says. I'm not sure whether it has to do with him being shy or just not liking to go out. I don't think think he's that shy. I'm trying not to read too much into it. You're dating him, you should read into it. It obvious bothers you and seems peculiar, so why wouldn't you read into it? Going out for me is a normal part of life and socializing so I would find it very odd if a man said he's not used to going out and didn't want to. That would be weird for me and again, we'd probably not be a good match since for me going out is nothing to think about but is a normal part of life. 1
bathtub-row Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 We have been doing what I want so far. I want to be considerate of his feelings, I'm not the type of person that's one sided. This has nothing to do with being considerate or inconsiderate. It has to do with something that makes the two of you a poor match, and you'll eventually get tired of prodding him. There's something wrong with him socially and you'll end up paying a high price for this. What you see is what you get with this guy, and being socially awkward is probably just the tip of the iceberg. If you guys end up being together long-term, I guarantee you this will be a source of contention between the two of you, and a source of arguments. Because he'll eventually stop trying to appease you and stop going out. This is about you being wise enough and self-protective enough to know when to cut bait and run. 1
elaine567 Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 If you do not know him that well, is there a possibility here that he is still married/attached and just doesn't want to be seen out with another woman...? If this IS genuine, then long term a man that doesn't want to go out socially will be a disaster for you if you are a social person. He WILL NOT change, without a huge commitment to change on his part, and I guess even if he accommodates you now, 3 years down the line he will probably revert to type and dive back into the comfort zone of his home. Always attending family, work, community events on your own, or NOT going to social events because you will be partnerless, will grate on you long term. What about holidays, going places? or will he just want to stay home... You have to read a whole lot into this and think out the consequences here. Head in the sand now, may turn out to be a disaster for you in the future. 1
Diezel Posted February 11, 2015 Posted February 11, 2015 I no longer waste my time on people who are on different wavelengths socially than I am. If they are a homebody, automatic pass. I love to go out and try new bars, restaurants, and travel... so why would I want to be with someone whose idea of date night is watching Scandal and Grey's Anatomy on a Saturday night? And yes, this has happened to me. If he doesn't like to go out and you do, at some point, this will be a fracture point and a point of contention. If it's like this NOW, imagine later on in the relationship. 2
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