Broken&torn Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Disclaimer: I apologize for this being a very long post. Hey I am new to this online advice forum stuff but I needed to talk to some one and get a perspective and handle on things in my life. I am a 24 male working in IT. In my college years I met this girl about three years ago and we started talking every day. Hours were spent talking and it was just the most awesome feeling. We fell in love and wanted to marry each other. My issue here is very complex. She belonged to a different sect of religion than mine and her family will never allow her marrying out side so it was kept a secret and even though I told this girl that we would never work out she insisted on seeing each other. She cheated on me in the past twice once she kissed her ex-boyfriend and came and confessed and said she didn’t know what else to do since he was trying to kiss her. Second time she called him up and said she missed him and loved him. I consider all this cheating but I forgave her since she was honest about it. It was hard but I loved her so I let it slide. Couple of months ago we were having some problems so I suggested some time apart to clear our heads. It was agreed upon mutually and we didn’t brake up or anything, still exchanged I LOVE YOUs, but not as frequent. In the midst of all that she left the country and came back quite different in terms of her actions and all. Naturally I was suspicious and upon asking got nothing but lies. Finally I started to dig without her knowing and found some emails. This time she went too far with another friend she had known and when I confronted her she lied again and played it off till I showed her the emails and also caught her talking to him online about what all they did. I broke up with her. She cried begged and pleaded forgiveness and said she will have no contact with the other guy. I was a mess I mean literally wanted to just end my life and everything. All my friends told me to move on, and said I can get some one better and all. But I took her back again. There was no stone left unturned from my side to make her feel like a queen, roses, opening doors, not even checking out other girls. I was committed in every sense. She has been very co-operative in the recovery process but the thing is, she keeps lying about the details. It’s been 3 months since this happened but she keeps saying that there is nothing left to tell and on occasions gets mad at me for still clinging to the past. But I don’t know why I am so obsessed with the details, every day I dig up something new and find out she has lied about it. She still apologizes but doesn’t come out clean and I know for a fact she is lying. Now I would like to know from fellow members is this right on my part to keep asking and fishing for details? I know she is not being truthful bcoz I will get hurt which I have been. There is nothing in this life that hurt me more than this act of hers. But I just can’t seem to trust her when I know she still lies about those details. Should I just let go or do I have a right to know what all happened. She keeps saying; actual intercourse did not happen but everything else took place. It spanned over a time of 3 weeks. But I suspect other wise. It’s destroying my life. I am losing weight; I am on happy pills, sleepless nights and on probation at work. On the other hand she doesn’t seem that much affected, she goes on with her life like nothing happened. Initially she cried a lot and said sorry every second. I feel like I am in hell, I just don’t know what to do?
greenhorn Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Hi there 1. You don't need to apologise for the long post, rather a short post does not always give the full picture. 2.I am very sorry for what you are feeling, I know you are hurting but keep in mind that whatever be the outcome your pain will fade day by day. 3. The most important requisite for any relationships is TRUST, TRUST & only TRUST. Love is required to keep the wheel churning. 4.Trust is always broken ONCE. There is no patchup in trust. 5. In many ways I can understand the complexity in your realationship and I got the whole picture. But let me tell you if commitment is there, then there is no obstacles.But there can never be any commitment from opportunistic persons and those who cheat. 6.In my humble opinion there is nothing left in your relationships, just the ashes and ruins.A person who has cheated you once will always cheat you, even if not you wont be able to trust her. 7.Your best bet is to get out of the relationship, break up all contacts with her. You will hurt, pain will be gut wrenching but MAINTAIN no contact. 8. There are many ways to cope this pain and you would get awesome suggestions here for that. But there is no point being in a relationship that is hurting day by day. You will never be able to be happy with her even if she comes out clean now.A person who has CHEATED once has the potential to do so again and will do that AGAIN. 9. Right now breaking up must seem like a Herculean task, it is difficult but not impossible.Try to start it second by second, hour by hour, day by day and then you would be ok 10. Don't waste your life for someone who does not care for you.You have your life ahead and most importantly your CAREER. Concentrate on that for your career will always give you the result of dedication, sincerity and hard work. 11. If you try to be in the relationship then it will be hurting for both of you. Start NO CONTACT immediately, dont lurk for any news or any mails of her.The more you find out the more you would hurt. If you find my suggestions worthy then please follow it and post the update. Just remember you are not alone and there are several like you who are going through the same pain and same hurt. Each one is trying to cope second by second. best wishes and hang in there.
RecordProducer Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Although the post was long I got no feeling that I got the whole picture. You're hiding something. You're hiding what you did to her to make her cheat on you. Given that she didn't have sex with the people and knowing women (cuz I am one), she was probably hurt and kissed the other people to relieve the pain you caused her. No woman will cheat for no reason, please remember that, it might be useful to you in the future.
greenhorn Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer No woman will cheat for no reason, please remember that, it might be useful to you in the future. My experience goes otherwise and I consider this generalization as juvenile.
Pocky Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 I'm confused as to why you're in this relationship in the first place. You're a secret so no one knows you exist and as far as anyone else is concerned she's single. You state you'll never be able to be together because of your religious differences, so where is the long-term goals in this relationship? And she continues to cheat on you making it very clear that she does not think highly of you or this relationship. So what exactly is your purpose in her life? To remain as her toy on the side always doting on her so that she feels great about the future, yet she obviously has no loyalty to you or the relationship. How many signs do you need until you realize the relationship isn't a success?
moimeme Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer No woman will cheat for no reason, please remember that, it might be useful to you in the future. greenhorn: My experience goes otherwise and I consider this generalization as juvenile Everybody cheats for a reason. It's just that there are a lot of lame reasons to cheat.
BrotherAaron Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 No woman will cheat for no reason, please remember that, it might be useful to you in the future. Women cheat all of the time for no reason. Unless you call immaturity a "reason". Or perhaps insecurity. Or impulsivity. Or the tendency to be self-destructive. Maybe you call driking too much a "reason". It's quite misguided to claim that the man is at fault every time a woman cheats. We're all responsible for our own actions. Even if there's trouble in a relationship, there are productive ways to deal with it. Cheating is despicable, and, if you do it, it's nobody's fault but your own, whether your a man or a woman.
moimeme Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 That people cheat for a reason does not mean that anyone but the cheater is to blame. Sometimes it's just a matter of exceedingly poor coping strategies. Nonethless, there is no such thing as 'no reason' for any behaviour.
greenhorn Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Both are true but the point is in the word "Reason" If it is for me then I may kill someone and yet give a very convincing reason, but that does not make the act look justified from any angle. So yeah there might be reasons, many a times selfish reasons but the act can never be justified.The same reason could always be met with HONESTY rather CHEATING. But us humans always chose the easy path and so we cheat.
moimeme Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 But us humans always chose the easy path and so we cheat. No we don't. Lots of us humans don't. But people who believe the myth live the myth, so if you believe 'everybody does it', then you feel it's ok for you to do it, too. OTOH, if you believe it's an aberration rather than acceptable behaviour, then you won't do it.
greenhorn Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 There are so many instances of cheating going on and such gross forms of it that it does makes me think that it is not an aberration anymore. Well what I wished to say was this, whatever one wants to achieve by cheating can always be achieved by Honesty, only thing required in this case is to have cheeks to tell that. But my personal experience says an honest move would have been less hurting than cheating. Cheating by all means is a aberration, most cruel form of inflicting pain and most of the times the reasons are selfish.
RecordProducer Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Well even if she is a pathological cheater and liar, it still is a reason to cheat, right? Once you know the reason, you can decide on whether to forgive or forget her.
moimeme Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Well what I wished to say was this, whatever one wants to achieve by cheating can always be achieved by Honesty, only thing required in this case is to have cheeks to tell that. I agree. I believe that cheating is based on a goodly helping of cowardice. People too fearful to face the truth. Unfortunately, society seems to on the one hand get braver when it comes to intruding on others' possessions or rights (see the parking lot wars threads) but when it comes to treating people with honesty, people are still scared little critters. It's partly understandable, partly forgiveable, but you'd hope that after this many generations of civilization, we might have bred some of the negative traits out of us. It all boils down to whether the person you're interested in is courageous enough to be truthful.
BrotherAaron Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 They say people will cheat when they're not getting enough attention. Or they'll cheat when they're bored with the relationship. Sometimes, they say, people cheat because they are looking for something better. I say people cheat because they are lack the strength to resist temptation. Everyone knows that cheating is hurtful and wrong. Maybe a person is in a relationship that they want out of - so they let themselves get caught cheating. I guess hurting somebody is easier when you don't have too look them in the eye while you do it. That's cowardice. Just because you're bored in a relationship isn't an excuse to cheat. If I ever have any doubts about that, I'll just ask my grandparents, who are happily married after almost 60 years. I'm sure they've had points in their relationship that may have been boring, or difficult. The fact is, though, that they're still together, and they're happy. Things can work out. Your a fool for convincing yourself that you will make anything better by being unfaithful. It's too bad that cheating is becoming socially accepted. Why do we put up with it? It's a despicable thing. If you have trouble being faithful, maybe you should say so at the beginning of your relationships. See how long somebody sticks around if you tell them upfront "I will most likely cheat on you. I have poor self control, and I have trouble considering other people's feelings sometimes"
Author Broken&torn Posted April 3, 2005 Author Posted April 3, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer Although the post was long I got no feeling that I got the whole picture. You're hiding something. You're hiding what you did to her to make her cheat on you. Given that she didn't have sex with the people and knowing women (cuz I am one), she was probably hurt and kissed the other people to relieve the pain you caused her. No woman will cheat for no reason, please remember that, it might be useful to you in the future. There is nothing that I am hiding, her reasoning was she couldn't resist...I wasn't there and we weren't talking like we use to so she liked the other guys attention and the attention came with physical contact. So she tried to resist and then gave in. She emailed me couple of times from where she was, when all this was going on. They were all "I LOVE YOU", "I MISS YOU"..."I WANA COME HOME TO BE WITH YOU". I really didn't understand what had happened. But now the bottom line is I forgave her coz I believe there is good in every one. But what I will never accept is her having had intercourse with some one else. Now that is whats eating me alive...
Author Broken&torn Posted April 3, 2005 Author Posted April 3, 2005 I agree with BrotherAron, cheating is not an option in the list of choices, that was made clear to her. When she returned, I talked to her nicely and made her promise me that if she ever liked some one else then she would tell me about it and I would let her go. I don't like this two timing business.
debs Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Broken&torn...... I knew all the details before it hit! I followed it via the girls blog etc etc. Hurt? Anger before he left OH you do not know the half of it! IMO it sounds like she will never come clean to you, but aren't you two living a secret relationship as well? When lies start even to cover that your dating or how you met it comes natural to lie! I am sorry for your pain but it is time to let go of this very unhealthy relationship for your own sanity! Time to let it go and live your own life and find a healthy less dramatic relationship!
RecordProducer Posted April 4, 2005 Posted April 4, 2005 I didn't say that there are excuses that justify the cheating. I only said that there must be some reason. So it wasn't you who hurt her. Then it's something else. She said she couldn't resist the temptation, but why couldn't she? Either because she didn't love you enough or because she is insecure and emotionally unstable. Probably both. You're asking about the details, because you're trying to figure out why she did it. Moreover she did it twice. She told you about it, because subconsciously she enjoyed hurting you and letting you know that other people desire her. Also people admit cheating to get them off of their chest. That's very selfish. I don't understand this "You did the right thing by being honest and telling him you cheated on him!" If you did a terrible thing, the least you can do is spare the partner and punish yourself by feeling the guilt alone and not sharing it with the "victim." I don't see why revealing the details makes a silent promise that it won't happen again when you can simply promise yourself that you made a mistake that you won't repeat in the future. She obviously can't control her actions so she transferred the responsibility on you. When she sees how hurt you are, she has no desire to cheat on you again. But hadn't she seen that, she would do it over and over. The fact that she already did it doesn't mean that she will do it again, especially because she broke the pattern of cheating by telling you. If you can forgive her then do it and move on with your life. Don't ruin the relationship by talking about the past.
greenhorn Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Yeah there are reasons for cheating and one reason for cheating could be that there was someone better in terms of earning potential or had a huge house in an Island blah ..blah.. But it should be justified cause there was reason and you should have earned more and probably have one full Island to keep her with you. So you see it is your fault that she cheated you cause ' Girls don't cheat without a reason' remember this.
clone Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 k ill give u my 2 cents if its worth anything. I dated a girl for 6 years and well i got dumped and one major reason is she read a email were i said this girl was hot. Well she called that cheating and thought I was seeing her. I wasnt and had no intentions on doing anything with any other girl but the reason i said that is cause in my relationship i didnt feal wanted. My ex wouldnt show physical emmotion. this my sound lame but like she wouldnt hold myhand or put her arms around me and stuff like that. Its just like we hung out as friends all the time and were not boyfriend and girl friend. Well when this girl said i was good looking and hot and all that good stuff it made me feal very good and real confidence booster so i replied saying i thought she was hot to. Maybe she is looking for a type of attention that she cant find between you two. I suppose i dont really know but that is my guess. best of luck to you.
Author Broken&torn Posted April 5, 2005 Author Posted April 5, 2005 At this point in time I am not worried about the reasons. The reason I am wanting to know details is coz I think its my RIGHT to know. I want to make decisions based on the actualy and TRUE knowledge of the events. I will never accept her if she has slept with him. I am not the one RUINING the relationship by asking her the details, it was her choice that ruined it.
RecordProducer Posted April 5, 2005 Posted April 5, 2005 Do you believe her that she didn't sleep with them? I think she's telling the truth, because if she wanted to lie about something, she would have hidden the whole thing. Unless there were ways for you to find out from other people; then it'd make sense for her to tell you the truth, but not the whole truth.
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