joyfulgirl79 Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I just need to vent I think, or if anyone has some constructive advice on how to get through this, I would appreciate it. I made the concious decision to stop dating a few years ago due to having borderling personality disorder. I tend to act out in relationships, the whole abandonment issues. Quiet borderline is how I would be defined, I guess, for the most part. Pushing people away, not getting close, if they do I test them, usually without them knowing. I am full time single parent, and work full time and I had made the decision to just focus on my son and career until he was out of high school, and to avoid that stress. Work on myself and all that stuff. Along came someone I had known for some time, in a good acquaintance way. I stupidly thought dating him and taking it slow would be a good thing. Knowing I couldn't handle jumping into things, we saw each other about once a week. I ended up pregnant. ( yes it can happen on birth control, and yes I had an accidental pregnancy despite that.) I had already made the decision to not continue seeing the man as it became apparent he was hung up on his ex. We talked about it, I had an abortion. To top of it, I also decided to go on depo vera which has made me an emotional mess on top of the abortion. We have been touching base every few days, and I have been feeling a bit lost and asked him to get together to talk. Keep in mind, we were friendly before we started sleeping together, and we often discussed his relationship with his ex. Which was not good, she treated him horribly, and used the excuse of depression to brush of bad behaviours. He told me we would get together this week and then had to cancel twice to help his ex paint her walls. I get it. It's a bit more than a brush off, as I said, as friends I used to point out to him how much she used him. So I was getting brushed off to go and help someone who has treated like him dirt . Everyone in his life sees this, when he is being rational he can too. However, she is currently single and is back around. I know I shouldn't take it personally, he would cancel the queen's invitation to lunch if this woman said jump. Anyhow. I told him I was having some regrets over abortion, and somehow, the conversation turned into his ex. ( I guess it always does) and I said, you know I don't want to talk about her right now. And the borderline part of me came out. I got upset, really upset. I have had the awareness of this woman, and I typically stay out of it and change the topic when she comes up. Believe me when I say, my response was not one I've had similar to in years. I said to him " I need you to tell me something she's done that's not selfish. I based part of my decision around her ( they have a child together) and part of my regret is including her life in my decision making process.I need you to give me an example where she has done something that wasn't completely self serving so I don't hate myself for that part of it". He said to me " I know she can be a bit selfish, but she has a mental illness. She gets quite depressed and she needs to put herself first right now" Anyhow, that turned into a ten minute tirade I unleashed on him about how I find it offensive that she uses depression as an excuse to treat people poorly. I told him I've had my own issues with mental health stuff and it doesn't give me a get out of jail card free. I went on about how much it offended me and how I am dealing with a pretty sever depression of my own right now and I try to be concientious in how I treat people and blah blah blah. also rambled on about how not everyone has the luxury of putting themselves twenty four seven. I wasn't yelling, but I was certainly heated about it. Up until that point, I was very careful not to get emotional or needy as I know how I can get, and I knew I was heading down a path after the abortion. Anyhow. I sent him a text apologizing. I know that's all I can do. I also know critisizing the person he loves was about the worst thing I can do. And that my reaction was completely innapropiate. Now I've lost a friend, I'm feeling regret over an abortion, and I feel like the crazy is back. If anyone can relate , I would love to hear it.
EgoJoe Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I highly recommend you go to a specialized forum for borderline personality disorder n. Bpdfamily.com is a great one. I don't think you're in the wrong. Your fight is a tough one. Stay positive and keep introspecting.
stillafool Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 You cannot be friends with this man because I think you are in love with him and he's in love with his ex. Any friendship you try to have with him is going to cause you pain because as his friend he's going to talk to you about her and it hurts you. You have to go NC and say goodbye to him.
Maleficent Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Well I can certainly not relate and I'm sorry but I have no other words for you than 'stay strong' or 'hang in there'. What you are going through must not be easy. *hugs
StalwartMind Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 Sort of a mixed bag full of "dangerous" candy you opened when you started getting involved with him. You had already decided to stop seeing this man as he is pretty hung up on his ex. While it's always more easy to be clever in hindsight, having him be anything but a friend was very likely the wrong move. With that said I can understand what you are feeling but without some rock solid support to lean on, especially through tough times, it gets pretty rocky to base your trust in someone who is struggling or heavily blinded. There's no real question that the hook this ex has in him is pretty damn toxic, like an instant charm blind spell. He needs to wake up too, maybe one day he will. Despite all that, I think it's good you send him apology, most of us know well how we can react outside our own reason when we feel upset. While it's easy to say that there are better people and potential friends out there, it doesn't fix any damage done or help your situation much. It's rather unfortunate how short a distance there is between love and hatred, friendships and relationship can be very fragile. Hopefully you can still salvage it, forgiveness in some people can be greater than what we estimate. This may not be much comfort but I don't think you acted too much outside reason and well none of us are perfect, well mess up at times. The main thing to hold on to is learning from experiences and improving oneself, it doesn't matter who or what was the most "wrong".
Author joyfulgirl79 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 I'm not in love with him, this I know. I'm just more upset that I let my emotions get the best of me. As I said, I had decided to end things when feelings developed and I knew he was hung up on her, toxic as that is and add on the borderline. thank you for the suggestion of the borderline forums. I guess, I was looking for non borderline support, because I consider myself in a better place these days....some sometimes I want " average, healthy " views lol.....if that makes sense. As in, how would someone react? I don't typically get angry, even during old borderline moments. So this makes it all the more confusing. And of course, aside from the abortion itself, as I said, the depo vera. It was pushed on me at the clinic. I had said no, due to my own depression and mental health and they said, well take this shot and talk to your doctor later. My doctors reaction was " oh my god, do they know your depression history?" .....but I try not to blame irrational behaviour on outside factors. It's all so confusing. Is him ignoring me now a normal reaction? My heart tells me most people would understand that my emotions may have got the best of me, I don't know?
Zahara Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I'm not in love with him, this I know. In love may not be the word but you have an emotional attachment to him. Is him ignoring me now a normal reaction? My heart tells me most people would understand that my emotions may have got the best of me, I don't know? That's the thing -- you can't keep having these negative reactions/emotions yet expecting to return back to normalcy. The best thing to do is keep away from what triggers you so that you can move on. There is no friendship. That dynamic changed a long time ago and most likely will never revert back to what it was. What you need to do is stay focused on your own wellbeing and emotional/mental healing instead of jabbing him about his decisions and what he's doing wrong.
Author joyfulgirl79 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 I guess you're right about it not being a friendship? and you are right about not focusing on what he is doing or focusing on anything but getting over this.
Zahara Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I guess you're right about it not being a friendship? and you are right about not focusing on what he is doing or focusing on anything but getting over this. In what friendship do you unleash a ten minute tirade about your "friend's" ex/partner? You have to be honest with yourself. People use "friendship" as an excuse to keep a foot in the door. You can't stand that he is with her. There is no friendship. Yes, you need to focus on yourself and put this behind you because it doesn't and possibly will never add to your life.
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I think you have really good self awareness about your BPD and this will help you not be stuck with it running you all your life, I am really sorry about your feelings about the abortion.
Author joyfulgirl79 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 You're right and I Said that in my apology, that it was time to cut ties as I didn't think he deserved that, and obviously I had some major resentments and issues I had to work through. I had to check even that and make sure it wasn't coming from a place of wanting to continue contact. The tirade was me speaking in a frustrated voice saying " don't you see how that using depression as an excuse for bad behaviours is offensive to how I am as a person?" God, it's shameful. We can't be friends, typing that out makes me realize this. I don't know. I'm just lost right now. It's a bit more complex than just getting upset over an ex partner. And also, on the flip side of that, I do have friends whom have over the years had some " moments" that were just " wow", but what has made us friends is understanding where they were coming from. Like I said, there's a lot more to it, I don't know where my emotions are right now. but thank you for pointing that out, you're right.
Zahara Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 And also, on the flip side of that, I do have friends whom have over the years had some " moments" that were just " wow", but what has made us friends is understanding where they were coming from. Did you get into a dating relationship with your friends? Did you get pregnant with your friends? Did you form an emotional/romantic bond with your friends? Did your friends choose an ex over you? You cannot compare what you have with your friends to someone that had a very different dynamic in your life. It's not the same. You're hurt that he chose her. You're hurt that he continues to see her even through all her flaws and shortcomings. You feel rejected. You feel desperate in your attempt for him to value you rather than her. I get it. One thing is for sure is that you need to stay away from him. He is a trigger and if you truly want to overcome your abandonment issues, you have to keep him out of your life. And seeing how he's going back to a toxic ex/situation, that doesn't bode well for you in terms of his own emotional/mental mindset.
Author joyfulgirl79 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 No , actually, I think I feel desperate in that I made a decision I can't unchange, and took into account how it would affect his and her's life, and to be entirely honest, I also took into account how it would affect his relationship with her. As a friend who had already ended the dating part at that time, and wanted the best for him, and had come to learn just how important it was to him. Knowing full well if I had continued with the pregnancy it would not bode well for them. And I am now having the realization that taking her feelings into consideration was ridiculous. And to hear him say " well she has some depression issues she needs to put herself first" set not a desperate plea to get him back, but a " WHAT THE HECK? you mean, it's that easy?" I don't know, as I said, I don't trust my emotions, and up until that point, any time she came up I would either give a realistic view or support, or I would change the subject like I said.
Author joyfulgirl79 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 oh and yes. I dated my best friend for ten years and we are still friends. Borderline people aren't all crazy all the time, you know
Zahara Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 oh and yes. I dated my best friend for ten years and we are still friends. Borderline people aren't all crazy all the time, you know I never mentioned or implied that you are crazy. Again, you keep comparing. Just because you are friends with ex A it doesn't mean you can be friends with ex B. It's not that black and white. You may be able to be friends with this guy but not until you fully detach emotionally and let go of your resentments and expectations.
Author joyfulgirl79 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 No, that wasn't a comparsion. You asked, I answered. Every situation is different, I know this. I realize and understand the friendship is damaged. I wasn't seeking advice as to how to repair it today, right now. I am ashamed at how I reacted, the feeling is greater than wanting to repair the friendship, and I realize how unhealthy a frienship would be, anyhow. As I said, there are also some unresolved feelings towards the abortion, and I made the mistake of attempting to talk to him about ( the other person involved) and I lost it. And you know, even going into something with honest intentions and not seeking a relationship, it can still be a cruddy feeling to want to talk about something that is monumental in your life and getting dismissed to go paint walls.
Zahara Posted February 9, 2015 Posted February 9, 2015 I realize and understand the friendship is damaged. I wasn't seeking advice as to how to repair it today, right now. And I wasn't providing advice on how to repair it but more so the motive and validity of said "friendship". As I said, there are also some unresolved feelings towards the abortion, and I made the mistake of attempting to talk to him about ( the other person involved) and I lost it. There was no wrong in you wanting to talk to him. He was a part of it and he should have provided you with support and care. And you know, even going into something with honest intentions and not seeking a relationship, it can still be a cruddy feeling to want to talk about something that is monumental in your life and getting dismissed to go paint walls. Understandable. It is indicative however of how much he prioritizes you and your wellbeing. That in itself should be motivation for you to cut ties and move on. What you stated in bold is an eye-opener, for you.
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